Desultory Randomness of the Intelligent Airhead

A Poem by me... It's been awhile 8)

2012-01-04T04:03:00.000-08:00

I walk along the rocky shore, looking for a sign.

I walk along the rocky shore, not knowing what is mine.

My feelings soar and pour from this heart inside me.

They swirl around like a wave, while I'm begging to be free.

I ache for some answers, hoping I can win.

As I comb through so much that I've categorized as sin.

I see the equations of my life, not making sense.

As I've made so many mistakes, that would make a sailor wince.

I have a long talk with my own worst enemy, me.

And I know that there is one person holding me back so warily.

I'm afraid to move, yet I know I must.

Not realizing, I've been waiting for someone to trust.

That person to trust has been here all along.

Trapped inside the pain and hurt, wanting to be strong.

I feel a smile light up my face and fill my heart.

And I know that this is a life I truly am wanting to start.

by Holly Chamberlain
01/04/2012

Thankful

2011-10-07T16:40:00.000-07:00

What's the best time to do a gratitude journal? When we're not feeling so hopeful. So here goes 8)

1. I'm so thankful to see my boys in an hour. I've missed them so and I love them with all my heart.

2. I am thankful for my amazing friends and family who remind me constantly that I am cared for.

3. I am thankful for my job.

4. I am thankful for the peace within, whether big or small, that tells me that I can do anything I set my mind to. Thanks to my mom for always saying that 8) miss you

5. I am thankful for all that I've been given. 8)

Gluten free -- or close 80)

2011-04-17T08:40:00.000-07:00

Howdy all,
About a month ago, I decided to go gluten free(eliminating wheat gluten at this point) for a variety of reasons. I have been researching it and gluten can be tied to complications with autism, fibromyalgia, diabetes, weight-gain, migraines, irritable bowel syndrome, etc. And I felt in my heart, that gluten is something that's causing my family (me included) definite issues.

As I just started to cook meals here and there gluten free, I noticed a huge change in all of us. Gluten makes us moody. 80) I've read this, but we're definitely seeing that in our case too...

I'm not militant with it at this point. If I go to a friend's house, I'm not going to require gluten free cuisine... (i may be getting gluten in sauces or flavor mixes) but I'm definitely working on it...

It's so much easier than I thought it would be. Maybe why I'm sticking with it after 1 month.

Also, I have found that there *is* gluten free chocolate out there. I know this may not sound like a big deal, but this way, we can have our cake and eat it too!

there are soooo many gluten free meccas on the web, but here are a few that I highly recommend for recipes, tips, etc

http://gingerlemongirl.blogspot.com/2008/02/successful-gluten-free-master-baking.html

All recipes has a fairly good selection as well.

http://glutenfreegirl.com/

There are so many more as well...

Once I found a place to get the flours (a good friend and her fam took me to an Asian market, which has tons of starches for a great price...), i felt much more comfortable with it all. Also, i'm grinding my own rices and nuts into flours and meals.

People keep asking me if it's expensive. The answer is Sort of and it can be... To me, it's not much difference, because I make most things from scratch. Before this, I was making my own bread, pasta, etc... We don't eat a lot of ready-made foods at all. I'm finding that many of the recipes I try, taste just as good or even better than their gluteny counterpart... A sidenote - Have you ever noticed that gluteny and gluttony are very close together? 80) Just a bit humorous... But back to how much it is -- I'm seeing that I'm spending more money on flours to get started, but I have 4 pounds of rice flour so I'll be good for awhile (this is the flour I reach for most right now...)

As far as eating out, it's not as bad as you think. I'm still to the point that I completely cheat sometimes when eating out... I don't eat out super often at all (once every two weeks or therabouts...) but when I do, it's very tempting not to get fried chicken, etc. I'm working on it, and I'll work on my self control...

My boys are gluten free about half time, but it's already making a difference.

I'm also finding my vegetable intake is increasing. Vegetables and fruits naturally don't have gluten... So why not eat more of them? It's going really well...

I'm really excited all in all... I have a tendency to start things and not follow through early on... But I've reached the hardest part for me in a diet, which is the first two weeks, and I'm still going strong...

I feel so much healthier going gluten free and the boys are giving me positive feedback as well 80)

Thanks for listening!
Namaste.

Reflective Chica

2011-04-06T19:36:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling pretty reflective at the moment (may day may day!!!). This usually means trouble, if you haven't already figured that out. But reflectiveness can be productive. I'm thinking of someone who I worked very hard with to have a good relationship... my mom. In a way, I want to say exactly what I'm thinking... But I won't air out the intricacies of my fam's dirty laundry out into the open. Suffice it to say, I finally understand a great deal of the pain that she endured. I really do as much as I can at this time. I miss her and I really wish she was here right now. It's one of those days that I wish that I cherished the time that I took for granted. We live and we learn...

So I want to turn this into a list of blessings....

I am so blessed to have had 2 wonderful parents. We definitely had our hard times, but we became truly close before...

I am very blessed to have my children. They are my life. I am so thankful for their inquisitive nature. They are so amazing!!!

I am so blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life!

I am so blessed to have a good job and wonderful hobbies!

Next!

2011-02-15T19:39:00.001-08:00

I'm done with the afghan!!! Woot. Before starting my oldest son's crocheted afghan, I need a break. So I shall knit a bit 80)

Next up -- A yoda sweater 80)

Why I run and Can I stay?

2011-02-14T19:30:00.001-08:00

I run because I can.
I run because I'm scared.
I run because you can't catch me,
and my emotions run with me.

I run because I know how.
I run because that's all I can do;
When I see love, I run from it
Whether fake or true.

I run because I can't tell the difference.
I run because I have these pretty running shoes.
I run because I dare to.

Can I stay with you?
Will you take my shoes?
I want to give them to you.
You can place them in a far away place.

My running days are done.

Valentine's Day -- Spiritual thoughts included

2011-02-14T19:16:00.001-08:00

This weekend, at my sons' basketball games, they have devotionals at half-time, as they participate in faith-based sports. One of the devotion-givers said that John 3:16 is the ultimate Valentine...

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, so that whosoever shall believe in him, shall not perish, but have eternal life. John 3:16

This is God saying 'Be Mine', just like those conversation hearts many of us partake in... I have been thinking about this for two full days.

The Lord loves each us so very much and He believes in each and every one of us.

I decided this morning that I would have a wonderful Valentine's day. And the truth is, I have. I have so many wonderful friends and my sister, who made sure I felt loved today.

I used to hate this holiday, knowing it wouldn't be one of my dreams. But what is the ultimate Valentine's day? Sweets and flowers are fleeting... But Love from God is forever... And the people He strategically places in our lives is amazing. He knows exactly what we need 80)

This day is now one of my dreams. I feel so loved and so blessed by my friends, God, and the joy I feel within.

What helped me have a good day is the new outlook I am utilizing in my life. That's another blog 80)

Huge happy moment!!!

2011-02-07T19:59:00.001-08:00

My youngest struggles with what to say and how to explain what he wants or needs. This weekend, he told me he didn't like whipped cream on his crepes. He likes crepes but not with the whipped cream sitting on it. So exciting!!!!! He is coming so far. I am so incredibly proud of my guys 80).

Wip -- Afghan and to Frog or not to frog -- Ribbit

2011-02-07T19:41:00.000-08:00

This is my boyfriend's afghan so far. The strands that are loose are needing to be sewn in. The projected length is 72 inches finished. Thus far, I have completed 59 inches. The projected width is 54 inches, of which 51 is now completed.

This afghan is being completed in single crochets across. The idea behind the colors and amount of rows is asymmetric. Basically, I have no pattern for the amount of rows or which order the colors go in. I am going by the feel of how many rows I want each color in and it's partially being dictated by how much yarn of each color I currently have.

Now onto Frogging... Frogging in crocheting and knitting is basically undoing it, unravelling your project back to before the problem arose. In this case, I failed to measure across every few inches. So after about 50 inches, I realized that the top of the afghan is 8 inches less than the bottom. Oops. The issue is I would have had to frog half of the afghan, which would have wasted over 40 hours of hard work... So my solution was to crochet up and down the afghan to even it out. slip stitches and single crochets for the ok portion of the afghan and hdcs and dcs for the remaining portion... This is depicted in the photo below.

I feel like I'm really coming along on the afghan. I hope to have it done by the end of February at the latest...

The Cynical Romantic and what I want

2011-02-02T15:05:00.000-08:00

My name is Holly and I'm a cynical romantic. (group -- Hi, Holly)

When I was young, I would categorize myself as a hopeless romantic. I thought that those stories of movies and books were true. That Prince Charming would come along, sweep me off of my feet and life would be grand. I always put a lot of stock into having a relationship, since my teens anyway. I thought I wasn't good enough, that only the good people got that. Of course, what took me years of living to realize is that life isn't a fairy tale, relationships are a great deal of work, and what is stunting my realization of healthy relationships is my lack of self esteem. Truthfully, life in itself is a great deal of work. Being emotionally and fiscally responsible is not easy and is an ever-constant part of life. The ironic portion of my former hopeless romantic state is that my favorite movies, books and plays aren't the average Prince Charming tales... The Phantom of the Opera and Beauty and the Beast top my favorites list. They did even then, which is kind of screwy if you think about it... When I was a teenager, I thought that once I found a man, everything would be alright. My life settled into this pattern for awhile. When this happens, I'll be happy. What took me years to realize and I'm still learning lessons in this, is that life is what we make it. Happiness is a state of mind, not a destination.

I started learning many truths when my awesome good friend started to help me with some of these lessens about 10 years ago. It took me a long time and a lot of trials to realize exactly how to go about changing. I felt like a victim, that life happened to me, not that I'm living it. Now, I know that I have so many choices each day, and it is my blessing and option to choose either way. If/ when I make a mistake, I receive the joy of learning from it 80).

I have had failed relationships galore and I have learned a lot about what I want and what I don't. What's amazing is that I feel on the cusp of receiving what I want and desire, and it's exciting, awe-inspiring, and a bit frightening. My issue in the past and in the present is being honest with what I want to myself and others, while saying it in a healthy manner.

To those in situations that I have depicted or close to that, please know that you are not alone. You can do this. If I can, you can. God will see us through. Don't lose hope. As Cory Morrow eloquently sings, "Love finds, love finds everyone." And I believe that with all of my heart.

I have a tendency to put up my walls around myself and my heart in order to protect myself. To a certain extent, walls can be healthy. However, when they consist of 348 booby traps, land mines and an impossible maze, it is not conducive to having healthy adult relationships of any sort, whether romantic, friendships or even the mother/ son bond. My changes in my feelings and thoughts have strengthened my relationship with my children more than I could have ever fathomed and our relationship is growing stronger all of the time. .

In the last few years, I have realized that my view on romantic relationships is completely out of whack. I idealized romantic relationships, not to the point of my youth, but still to the point where what I thought I wanted could not be attained. It was impossible. One way to explain this is my favorite way -- song.

"She's a lady down on love.
She needs somebody to gently pick her up.
She's got her freedom,
Yet she'd rather be bound
To a man that would love her and
Never let her down" (Alabama)

Talk about impossible. Let's focus on the last two lines... A man loving her, that's doable of course, provided that she sees herself worthy of love, which I now do. But never letting her down? This is what I wanted until a very short time ago. People will let us down. We are all imperfect, and what I was wanting, to never be let down, was completely unrealistic.

I want to grow old with someone. Until I have that, I am now completely enthralled with the idea of just being with my sons, dating a wonderful man, and doing what I can to make my life less dramatic and better for all of us. My issue with this is I get into my "Holly-silo." What I mean by this is that I get so independent, I once again don't let anyone in. That is something that I am actively working on, attempting to be open enough to let others in, yet independent enough to go it alone for as long as necessary.

This brings me to my next song reference. However the whole song is completely relevant, so it is being posted.

He hurt you, she hurt me
Now trust doesn't come so easily
Love isn't the fairy tale it was before
So we're careful, cause we're fragile
We both realize some caution is wise
But we won't really love
'Til we're not scared to hurt anymore

So I open myself to the thought
And the hope and the real
And the fact it could end
But I'm taking the chance
'Cause I know if we don't
Then we might never find this again
And I know that we can't be alone
What we might be together
So I'll give you my best
For what's left of the rest of forever

*You need me and I need you
Sharing again isn't easy to do
We've only been able
To count on ourselves for so long
And now taken takes courage
And though I'm afraid it's making me brave
Seeing you struggle to stay weak enough to be strong*

So I open myself to the thought
And the hope and the real
And the fact it could end
But I'm taking the chance
Cause I know if we don't
Then we might never find this again
And I know that we can't be alone
What we might be together
So I'll give you my best
For what's left of the rest of forever
I'm yours, forever I'm sure
As forever I've been
I said never again

But I open myself to the thought
And the hope and the real
And the fact it could end
But I'm taking this chance
Cause I know if we don't
Then we might never find this again
And I know that we can't be alone
What we might be together
So I'll give you my best
For what's left of the rest
I'll give you my best for
What's left of the rest of forever

The Rest of Forever -- Rhett Akins

Pay special attention to the portion between asterisks. I've been only able to count on me for so long. Loving again is not easy. Opening myself to the strongest love I have ever felt is a bit scary, but I know that if I pass on this, I may never find a love as strong as I think I've found now.

What I want --

I want to grow old with someone, as I wrote earlier. I know that a good, healthy long-term relationship has its' up and downs. I don't want expensive gifts or nice places to go, etc. I want to have someone that I love and care for that needs me, whether it be just for moral support or a friend, etc. I want someone who will tell me on a regular basis that I can do this and he will be there for me. I want to cheer for him, hold him, tell him that he's my man and he can do anything. Sounds cliche-ish but that's how I am. It made sense to me when I read that Pisces women are that way, that their man can do no wrong. I know that times get hard, but I want to know that I'm coming home to someone who believes in me and I in him. That's it in a nutshell.

No we don't have a lot of money
All we need is love (Zac Brown Band - Free)

Sounds like a cliche again, but I believe this. And i know that I can find this and it is attainable. As I continue working on the unhealthy mindsets that are blocking this, I know that I have an attainable desire and want. I want this so much, to be a part of a committed relationship like this. I know that life is a struggle, but I would rather struggle with someone than alone. And that's ok to feel... I know it is.

So these are my thoughts. Thank you for reading.

Namaste.

I believe

2011-01-31T21:05:00.000-08:00

I have had a very good year in so many ways. I am so blessed and I see life in a completely different light. It's a struggle to stay positive and be who I want to be, but I see it now.

I am so thankful for all of the blessings in my life. I have a wonderful, eclectic, and loving group of friends and two wonderful boys that are my family.

I started growing up emotionally about 10 years ago. It's been a major struggle, but I am learning daily. This past year has been quite an education and has been packed with so many lessons.

I believe in me.
I believe in God's ability to make the hopeless seem hopeful.
I believe in His ability to bless us in the least likely ways.

With everything I do, I know that I can do this.
I can be who I long to be and not have to worry about pleasing others every second of every day.

It's something I'm still working on, but I'm getting there 80).

My Craftiness

2011-01-31T20:52:00.000-08:00

For Christmas, I received a sewing machine!!! Yay! So in addition to my crocheting and knitting, I now have sewing projects too 80) heehee.

These projects should keep me busy until close to Christmas. Hahaha. 80)

My wips (works in progress) in no particular order

1. Yoda sweater(k)
2. blanket for my boyfriend (c)
3. apron(s)
4. 20 pairs of socks (s)
5. Avery's blanket (huge knitting with size 50 needles)
6. cardigan designing and prototype (c)
7. jeans refashioning

To do:
1. Yoda sweater part deux
2. 2 pairs of fingerless gloves (undecided)
3. pair of socks (k)
4. dress (s)
5. hat
6. gloves
7. Tristan's blanket

Wish list
1. pair of leggings for me.
2. camisole
3. infinity dress for me

So many thoughts...

2010-09-28T20:24:00.000-07:00

on trust and believing in myself...

I was thinking about one beautiful song that has now been fulfilled within me...

One of these days I'm gonna love me
And feel the joy of sweet release
One of these days I'll rise above me
And at last I'll find some peace
And then I'm gonna smile a little
And maybe even laugh a little
But one of these days...
I'm gonna love me

When i realized years ago that this needed to happen, that I needed to love myself, i had no idea where this journey would take me. I am so thankful for all that I am learning. I love me. That's a wonderful, peaceful feeling....

I also want to talk a bit about trust... Trusting in other people is something I have had a tendency to do. My whole realm of thinking in this has been skewed. I have certain ideals that i expect others to fulfil, which are pretty extensive, to be truthful. And then, if (when) someone steps out of what one expects, they have let us down...

So i am working on obliterating the ideal of trusting others from my brain, and trusting in myself and allowing others to be who they are, while allowing me to be who I am. It's going well so far, and pretty exciting, actually...

The idea of trusting others is actually one key ingredient that has caused past failure in previous relationships in my life...

It's amazing all of the changes that are transpiring...

Some thoughts...

2010-08-09T19:12:00.001-07:00

So I have been thinking.... So much to process and so much change. But change is good. I am feeling so much better about me. I am so thankful for everyone in my life. I am continuing to work on control of my feelings, thoughts and my attitude. I am also realizing how being humble and peacefulness are connected. I am amazing. I can say that with feeling and with confidence. This has taken me so long. My mistakes do not define me. I have learned from them, and I have become more of who I want to me, more of who I feel that God wants me to be.

I recently realized that I have unrealistic expectations. They actually stem from unreasonable expectations of myself. And then I seem to think that everyone should follow them. Much improvement has been made in this. I don't have to be so intense. It is fine to just let go and let things flow in all facets of life. And to realize that others' actions are not indicative of my worth. That is where so much of my pain and hurt that has resulted from friendships and relationships with many people, really. i have thought in the past that if people didn't spend time with me or acknowledged me, i was worthless. This was the same way in regards to my accomplishments as well. they seemed futile if others didn't notice. I can do so many wonderful things and I have that no one has noticed. i have pride in those things, and i will continue to have that pride!

It's a great deal to change, but i *know* that I can do this.

In the past, I have always wanted a man to save me. i didn't think i did, but i did want that. Do i now? No. I have a man who is walking beside me as I find my way. He is there to help me dust off my knees when I fall. i just know he is near. I appreciate his strength more than i could ever imagine.

It's amazing that the more I work on, and the more peace I work on having, the more I realize that i have so much to be thankful for.

My life is not a punishment, it's a blessing. I used to think that God was always mad at how badly i was doing. i know that he is very proud of me. I may not always do what is right, but He loves me very much. It reminds me of that song, "Touch of the Master's hand". i love that song so much, and I know that I am worth so much more with God's love and that acknowledgment within me.

So i have so many things to work on, but I have made so much improvement. I can do this. i am so confident. i know i may fail, but true failure is not falling, it's not getting back up.

Life is good 80)

Knitting

2010-06-03T20:20:00.000-07:00

So I've fallen in love with knitting... more than crocheting.I know, tis shocking...

So recent finished projects....

A grey shirt for me. I followed the pattern, but i soon realized it would be too low, so I adapted it. And it was more of a crop top for my build... so i'm in process of adding a crocheted band.

Slippers galore 80)

wips (works in progress) and to dos

crochet edging for above grey shirt

pink dishcloth

2 pairs of slippers (in process of finding the perfect patterns for my boys 80)

the project of insanity -- a blanket...

a baby afghan

Gryffindor scarf

friend's shirt...

so this all will keep me busy for a few weeks. Hahaha...

Guinevere part 2

2010-06-03T19:36:00.000-07:00

So I've been thinking more on this song. I heard it again yesterday, and i didn't mention another line that hits me.

"For as much as she stumbles, she's running.
For as much as she's gone, she's still here. '

This has described me in the past, and I must admit still describes a portion of me.

There's a portion of me that I keep so far away. It goes back to the mirage...

i'm getting better at this, in part due to selectiveness in who I allow close to me...

I am so thankful for my thoughts and for the peace that comes with pensiveness 80D

Guinevere

2010-06-01T16:11:00.000-07:00

so i'm writing this on lunch on my cell, so i'll proofread and correct later.

for those that listen to country music, you may know a song called guinevere by the Eli Young Band.

Songs in general are subjective and they mean something different to everyone. this reminds me of who i used to be, not letting love in. not forgiving... and truly thats the key to love and peace - forgiveness.

'she says forgiveness aint nothing but a lifeless tire on the shoulder of her road that never rolls.'

i heard this song shortly after someone challenged me to forgive and let go. i cried so hard. the peace that comes with forgiveness, with being ok with the unknown is so amazing. ive forgiven but not like this...

This song talks about how this girl let one person in, he broke her heart and so no one gets to stay. I was that girl for quite some time... The walls that i have built around me have fallen to a degree. i'm still careful, which is necessary... but it's a step 80)

i have had issues trusting in dating relationships. trust is so imprtant... i'm ok with walking this road....

i am so grateful for the lessons i have learned in life. and i am thankful for those in my life...

Responsibility and control

2010-05-17T08:30:00.001-07:00

I have been thinking a great deal on this. This will be a quick blog and I may come back and polish it.

"Sometimes I get nervous when I see an open door. Close your eyes, clear your heart. Cut the cord. " -- Human by the Killers

When i recently heard this song again, this line stuck out at me. I realized this is what I had to do.

Sometimes, I have been frozen with fear. I've spoken of it before. In the past, I haven't taken responsibility for many of my actions, and I see now that it's imperative to growth.

I take responsibility for what I've done, for who I am. But the other side of this, is i take responsibility for others' mistakes too, and this is ceasing now.

I am responsible for me and my two awesome sons. I have learned so much in my life, and I see how much i have to teach to my children, especially.

I am so very proud of them. They helped teach me how to live. There are so many people who are amazing and I am so thankful for the people that come into my life, if even for a moment.

There are so many things we don't have control over, but one of the most important facets is we have control over our attitudes. 80)

thoughts on peace

2010-04-14T17:04:00.000-07:00

So many thoughts have recently come to me in regards to peace.

I am so peaceful in where I am regarding life. It's not what life brings to us, it's what we bring to life -- a simple yet eloquent thought that first hit me when I watched Anne of green gables: the continuing story (it is *not* anne of avonlea -- nothing like the book, but I digress.) Another reason this first hit me in this movie is that I am a romantic. I used to be moreso, but my romanticism is now mixed with a good deal of reality or cynicism... depending on one's definition 80)

I am also learning about walking the fine line that is learning from the past without dwelling in it. The past has taught me so much. This life in general is meant for that, to learn and grow. And i am so amazed at the person I've become -- am becoming 80)

i am so thankful for my life, for the people in it, for God's work in and through me.

Thank you all for rolling with me 80) (think Montgomery Gentry's roll with me 80))

Valentine's Day on a budget...

2010-02-08T21:01:00.000-08:00

This subject has recently come up a few times, in part due to my second job and the constant bombardment of Valentine's day there, and also that of a guy friend requesting advice for said holiday...

i was originally intending this blog to target what a guy could get a girl, but *some* of this could be used for what a girl could get a guy... that being said, i will still be saying what to get her, etc from here on out...

Here are some things to think about with Valentine's day...

More expensive isn't always better...

If you have agreed to attack this holiday with a budget of a certain amount...all the better...

Some simple ideas... (some of which can be found at my secondary place of employment, hehe)

a preserved rose or a single rose and an inexpensive vase. (be careful to research the color of roses online if your gal is particular on that sort of thing... certain colors denote different things)

candles (nice candles can actually start out pretty inexpensive.

a candy dish with her favorite candy

a special treat she doesn't get a great deal of (it could be a bottle of wine she likes or a juice she doesnt buy often, or sparkling grape juice, etc), cadbury eggs (i speak from personal experience on this one -- i get at least one of these for my bday every year... oh and diet drinks too... ) i actually think the practical gifts are awesome... it's something i like, and i'm so appreciative...

herbal tea along with a little mug

fuzzy socks and that could be paired with some nice foot lotion.

an eye mask -- again these can be found inexpensively at different places and you could even get her a bottle of her favorite lotion, an eye mask, etc and make it a litte beauty kit for less than $20

coupons -- such as one free back-rub, one free 'i'll fix dinner' night, one free "i'll do the dishes night", one free "i'll rub your feet " night, one free "i'll go to the store and pick up something we forgot" night. for people with kids, the youngens can get in on this too, and help decorate them, etc.

put hershey's kisses on the floor between her side of the bed and the bathroom (**NOT if you have a dog**)) and rose petals in the bathtub -- and you could put on a note, "I wanted to kiss the ground you walk on and shower you with rose petals"

you can cook dinner(if you can cook). If you don't know how, i wouldn't choose this night to try, please 80)

getting a heart-shaped dish and putting it only half full of candy -- and putting a note saying, "my heart is only half full without you'

quoting songs is another thing that i'm notorius for, so a cd of romantic favorites would be good. If you don't know each other as well, you can give her a cd of some of your faves (try to use taste though, hehe).

a book from her favorite author is also good...

So this should get one's creative juices flowing. I hope this helps someone 80)

I wanted to say one closing note regarding Valentine's day.Is it over-commercialized? It might be, but anything that promotes love can't be all bad. It's just imperative to remember the ones we love on the other 364 days that we live throughout the year 80)

Sincerely,
Holly

100 favorite songs -- revisited

2010-01-14T19:39:00.000-08:00

So my tastes have changed a bit, and i've decided to update my top 100 songs.

100 Hero of the day by metallica
99 Angel by Aerosmith
98 One by Metallica
97 Seven Spanish Angels by Ray Charles and Willie Nelson
96 - Superman by five for fighting
95 - Stand Still, Look Pretty by the Wreckers
94 What Might have been -- Little Texas
93 One Piece at a time by Johnny Cash
92 Ask me to Stay -- Casey Donahew Band
91 Walk away by Pink
90 Carried Away by George Strait
89 Where the Green Grass Grows by Tim McGraw
88 Ive been everywhere (in texas that is) by Brian Burns
87 - Beds are Burning by Midnight Oil
86 - I've Been Everywhere by Johnny Cash
85 Clouds by Montgomery Gentry
84 - Personal Jesus by Johnny Cash
83 - One in Every crowd -- Montgomery Gentry
82 - Who I am by Jessica Andrews
81 - We got it going on -- Bon jovi (cowritten with Big n Rich)
80 Goodnight Moon by Jack Ingram
79 - Run to you by Lady Antebellum
78 - Tainted love by Soft Cell
77 The River - Garth Brooks
76 - Ships by Barry Manilow
75 - I remember you -- Skid Row
74 - nothing else matters by metallica
73 -Seeing stars by Jack ingram
72 - Guitar Town - Steve Earle
71 - that old wind by Garth brooks
70 Promises Broken by Soul Asylum
69 - Before I believe it's true -- Randy Rogers Band
68 - You were Always on my mind -- Willie Nelson
67 - Place in this world by Taylor Swift
66 Anymore by Travis Tritt
65 - Johnny and June by Heidi Newfeld (i think that's her name...)
64 The Sweater Song - Weezer
63 More than A memory - Garth Brooks
62 - Bargain -- the who
61 - White Horse by Taylor Swift
60 - A million Tears by Kasey Chambers
59 People are crazy by Billy Currington
58 - Bed of Roses by Bon Jovi
57 If i was your vampire - Marilyn Manson
56 Bat out of Hell by Meatloaf
55 - learn to love by bon jovi
54 - Rollin by Big n Rich
53 - Hanging by a Moment by Lifehouse
52 - Lucky by Seven Mary Three
51 Runaway by Pink
50 - Bound for the floor - Local H
49 I drove all night by Roy Orbison
48 - Fifty ways to leave your lover by Paul Simon
47 Something I can Never Have by NIN
46 - Standing outside the Fire by Garth brooks
45 -- Wherever you will go -- The Calling
44 - Save a horse, ride a cowboy -- Big n Rich
43 - The Dance - Garth Brooks
42 -- Wild is the Wind by Bon Jovi
41 -- Halo by Beyonce
40 - Poison by Alice Cooper
39 - Calling Baton Rouge by Garth brooks
38 - Beautiful by eminem
37 - Homeward Bound by Simon and Garfunkel
36 - I have seen the rain by Pink and her dad
35 - Whatever it is by Zac Brown Band
34 - Sweet Child of Mine by Guns N' Roses
33 - Bleeding love by Leona lewis
32 - If you Could Read my mind by Gordon Lightfoot
31 - She's so High by Tal Bachman
30 - Somebody to shove by Soul Asylum
29 - Again by Radney foster
28 - When you come back to me again by Garth Brooks
27 - both sides now -- joni mitchell
26 - You're my home -- billy joel
25 - i'm in -- radney foster
24 One thing by Jack Ingram
23 - Time after Time by Cindy Lauper
22 - Tangled up in You -- Staind
21 - You were so right -- radney foster
20 - Some Enchanted Evening - Ezio Pinza
19 - Open all Night by Bon Jovi (from the Bounce CD)
18 - i miss you with me -- Randy Rogers band
17 Life is a Highway by Chris Ledoux
16 - Leave me alone / Im lonely by Pink
15 - Little Wonders by Rob Thomas
14 - Carol in D Minor by Transiberian Orchestra
13 - Con Te Partio by Andrea Bocelli
12 - Please don't leave me by Pink
11 - B*tch by Meredith Brooks
10 - Seat next to you by Bon Jovi
9 - Nobody's Hero By Bon Jovi
8 - It's a great day to be alive -- travis tritt
7 - Patience by Guns n Roses
6 - Winds of Change by Scorpion
5 - I'll be there for you - Bon Jovi
4 - Love Song by Pink
3 - Foolish Games by Jewel
2 - Details in the fabric -- Jason Mraz
1 - love's the only rule -- bon jovi

The Light House

2009-12-02T20:42:00.000-08:00

To all readers:
It has been some time since I have written a short story. I will later clean it up a bit with better grammar and punctuation. I just *had* to get this out 80)

So without further ado, I give you the Light House

As I tower far above the careening waves at the foot of the jagged cliff, I dream about the ghostly sailor in my mind. I wish for him, for his presence to be near me. He does not know of my feelings for him as he passes near the bay that I inhabit. I intellectually realize that we may never be, since I am the ghostly maiden of my lighthouse, which my spirit has encompassed, and he is human.

One dreary day, a storm blows in. I sense that he is near. I shine my light as bright as every inch in my being can muster. In my mind's eye, I can see his face. His expression changes to immense hope as he sees me. Safety is near! The waves crash heartlessly on the rocky cliffs above him.

In his heart, he maintains peace, that whatever happens, he will be okay. He feels at home on the ocean. Gilbert has been on the ocean since he was just a small boy. He has navigated the seas for many years. It is his home, where he lives. He is but a stranger on the land. It does not hold him as the sea does with her reassuring, subtle, though sometimes abrasive touch. Gil somehow always knew that he would die at sea, as he had lived.

Gilbert feels a kinship to the lighthouse that stands so tall and unassuming in Perinack Bay. She is blue with gray brick. Though she is not the newest or prettiest lighthouse, he is smitten by her sweet disposition on the shore, so strong yet unassuming on the harsh embankment. Her effervescence touches a part of his soul that no other lighthouse can find. He is unable to rationalize his kinship to her, but he feels a sense of peace when he is near her. Somehow, the sailor intuitively knows that they will share time, energy and even love, however impossible that my seem.

As the sailor is struggling through the storm, I watch the little vessel bobbing up and down upon the merciless waves. I hope and pray with all of my might, that he will be safe through this trial. Suddenly, an enormous wave looms before him and sweeps down, knocking him overboard. I intently watch for a sign of life. My foundation is rocked as I wait and wait.

The ocean stirs near where Gil went under the surface. A beautiful woman appears that sailors tell many tales about -- Anameria, the goddess of the ocean. She takes the sailor's lifeless body in her arms and his ghost emerges from it. I watch all of this with hope and anticipation. She tells him, "My name is Anameria. I have come to grant you the home of your wishes, since your love was my sea. You may choose any bay." He looks around in awe and tells her earnestly, "I have travelled over your waters for many years. The place I am most at home is here." Anameria looks up at the lighthouse, as she observes a figure coming down to the sea, where they are at.

Gilbert watches a beautiful woman floating toward him from the lighthouse. She is wearing a gorgeous, flowing blue dress. She has beautiful red curls cascading down past her shoulders to the small of her back. He has never seen a woman more beautiful in his eyes.

As I make my way toward them, Gilbert watches me in awe with a sweet smile forming and kind eyes that I have dreamed of since I first saw him. I tell him, "My name is Arriana. I would be pleased if you would like to share my lighthouse, my bay, and my heart."

He gently grabs my hand gently as I feel more peace and love than I ever thought was possible. He asks me, "Can I have this dance forevermore?"

I nod in my quiet, yet affirming way. And we danced upon the water as Anameria disappeared from sight. We danced and we will continue dancing and inhabiting the lighthouse for the rest of eternity. The happiness that we share in death, we both never knew in life.

And there are tales that if you look hard, sometimes a couple can be seen dancing along the waters of Perinack bay.

Dressing up

2009-10-30T21:17:00.000-07:00

So it's been so long since I've had any interest in dressing up for Halloween. For the first time in a very long time, i work at a place that encourages this, so i thought it would be fun.

We had a costume contest as well. I wasn't planning on entering, but I did. I can be pretty shy in front of 200 people, but it was actually quite fun.

With the help of some friends (ty again Jay and Matt) to give me the pieces i was lacking, I made a pretty good Hermoine Granger.

This made me realize how much more out-spoken and unafraid I am these days. In a way, I used to be like this quite some time ago. I'm less afraid of pleasing people, and in that comes a new-found freedom.

It was pretty funny. I was actually wearing a Hufflepuff robe and some IT guys caught it. They forgave me, and that's a good thing too, in case i need any help with the new upgrade 80D

I didn't win the costume contest. There was a pretty believable Hannah Montana, but it was a great deal of fun 80D

The Mirage

2009-10-22T14:45:00.000-07:00

I Had yet another huge epiphany yesterday. I let people only so close. I think many people might think they know me very well, but in part, that's a mirage. I am just starting to let people closer to me. This has been true these past few months. I want to let people in. Though they may hurt me, feeling is so worth it. I know i've touched on my lack of feeling in other blogs, but this brings it home. I am ready to let those who I trust in. That being said, it's imperative that i know that it's okay not to let everyone in. There have been a few people that I have allowed close, and please know that you have helped me in opening up. There's the occasional person that i cannot fool with my mirage, and I am thankful, because that is in essence one reason why I had this realization.

I think the mirage has a lot to do with the fact that I've been doing this for years, and it's become easy. Not knowing who i was also feeds into this. Knowing who I am and understanding me is so empowering.

It brings me to the Pink song "Love Song". Yet again, this song just hits me...

I would rather bleed with cuts of love than live without any scars.

I am to the point that I can say that with complete certainty and it feels amazing!

Confidence

2009-09-25T20:27:00.000-07:00

As is often the case, I have a thought for a blog and it morphs into something that takes on a life of its' own. This is the main reason this is desultory randomness 80). Having a conversation is much the same, as I am desultory at best.

In thinking of my journey to where I want to be, I have come to confidence. Fear hinders confidence, so now that my fear is more bridled, confidence can't help but shine a light in me.

Sometimes, in taking a leap or step of faith, we stumble. I have recently done so. In doing this, I realize that true failure is not falling, it's failing to get back up.

The best thing to do is to hold my head high, and not be afraid. I have to try, even if I fail. If I fail, which we all do, then I can always be happy that I did my best and took a leap of faith.

My new theme song is Never Gonna Fly by Radney Foster --

You wanna feel the wind, you gotta take the ride.
You better dream big, you wanna touch the sky.
You can't be scared to risk it all.
You never gonna fly if you're afraid to fall.

Trying to fly is so exhilarating in that moment. The splat a few moments later can be disconcerting, however I can live with no regrets.

A short time ago, I blended in the background. I did not want to be noticed. Recently, Ive done numerous things that have brought me to the center of attention. I don't crave it, but I'm finding that it can be beneficial.

This brings me to Eminem --

Just as soon as I walk in, it's like all eyes on me
And so I try to avoid any eye contact
'Cause if I do that then it opens the door
For conversation, like I want that

This was me a short time ago.

Now I feel more confident in looking everyone in the eye (except when I'm embarrassed or hurt).

I feel like I can do anything I need to. I am so thankful for God's strength in all I do. I am also thankful for each one of you 80)

The Decision -- Written 7/26/2007

2009-08-20T22:57:00.001-07:00

Thursday, July 26, 2007

The Decision
Current mood: peaceful
Category: Writing and Poetry

As I gaze upon the path before me,

I realize the depth of my decision.

I peer at the challenges laid out before me.

I ponder at what my life is to be.

The decision I make may not make logical sense to all.

It makes logical sense to me.

And it is the decision that God has led me to.

I call it the first decision of the rest of my life.

My heart pounds as I look into the glory that is my Creator.

I say the words I feel led to say.

My heart beats with anticipation for the commitment I am making.

I realize that my life will never be the same, only better.

I look at the girl in the mirror and I see that the Lord has given her such beauty,

Such strength and so many blessings to go forward in this life.

There are trials and there are struggles,

But this girl will make it through.

My Lord, who is holding me up, is here and is with me as I declare my decision.

I am a new creation.

Fear

2009-08-20T21:47:00.001-07:00

Fear

I have a great deal of thoughts on this subject, as fear is an emotion that has riddled my life for a great deal of it.

I am going to ramble a bit and quote quite a few different sources in order to get my point across.

I realize now how much I have allowed fear to run my life. I have realized this for some time, and have been working on this for quite awhile, but I have recently had some huge breakthroughs that are already showing me how much peace I am able to obtain. I have a feeling this is just the beginning 80).

For many years, I have been afraid to let people in. Some people that I have let in, I only let them in so much. I am speaking of family, friends, and even God. This entire post does not focus on anyone in particular, but everyone that I am privileged to know. I put myself in a glass booth, and then wonder where everyone is. I realized that it's because I am afraid.

"Where God's love is, there is no fear, because perfect love drives out fear. It is punishment that makes a person fear, so love is not made perfect in the person who fears." I John 4:18

This verse brings me peace. I don't want to fear.

This verse also reminds me of Star Wars (remember -- Desultory randomness is the name of this blog - hehe).

Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering. Star Wars Episode 1

The fear of loss is a path to the Dark Side. -- Star Wars Episode 3

The fear of loss has scared me to the point of being frozen. I have been afraid that anyone that would enter my life would leave it. The truth is that they may. But I am so blessed for the time that I spent with them, no matter how long. Every friendship can and does teach me something and in so many ways, I am better for it.

This reminds me of the song "You move me" by Susan Ashton. Garth later covered it with her on background vocals.

Frozen solid with fear
Like a rock in the ground

But you move me
You give me courage I didn’t
know I had
You move me
I can’t go with you
And stay where I am
So you move me

I realize this song is about God or relationships, whichever way you might want to look at it. I have felt this way, frozen where I am at. Truly, there have been so many people that have moved me. The ultimate one is Heavenly Father. Then there are those that He has placed in my life that move me. A few that i place in this category might be surprised, but I am forever thankful for them and the ability to even know them.

Yoda speaks of fear in the above quotes. I feel that fear is negative energy that turns to anger, pain and woe. I feel this is why the Jedi Code forbids the attachment of love. Love can lead to that fear of loss.

Fear of loss -- something that I have wrestled with on many occasions. I recently had the realization that I was mad at Heavenly Father, because of all of the loss I have had in my life. I realize that it's not his fault at all. Loss happens in so many aspects, whether by death or divorce or paths of those we care for only paralleling ours for a time.

This was the major breakthrough in forgiveness, and now I feel so much freer and lighter.

This brings me to a song by Pink. In this song, I realize that she is speaking of romantic relationships, but I feel that this can be paralleled to all relationships and all sorts of types of love, whether it be family, friends, God, or a romantic involvement.

There's this well of emotions
I feel I must protect
But what's the point of this armor
If it keeps the love away, too?
I'd rather bleed with cuts of love
Than live without any scars
(Love Song by Pink)

I had been in a place for months where I didn't feel. that had lasted for months and months and even years. Actually in many facets of my life, I would say it has lasted for many years. This wall that I have built has kept so many chances for close friends from coming to fruition. I would say that I now have a bigger and stronger support system than I have had in years. When I heard that part of Love song, I got chills and realized that this is exactly what I was doing. I was attempting not to get hurt, so the positive feelings were kept away as well. Sure, I felt positive feelings, but only to a point. Vulnerability can be good.

Walls can be good as well. I realize that it's important to obtain a balance and not let everyone in, because this is a sure fire way of getting hurt. I have also done this. I sometimes have let anyone in, and ended up paying for it in so many negative ways. But this is not founded in fear. If we have a feeling that we don't want to be friends with someone, there could truly be a legitimate reason, and it is our intuition leading us to that thought.

This brings me to the lyrics of The Dance.
(from memory so please forgive me if it's not precise)

"And I am glad I didn't know
The Way it all would end.
The way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance.
I could've missed the pain.
But I'd ahad to miss the dance."

I don't want to miss this. The pain has taught me so much. Recently, i was thinking about regret. After forgiving recently, I realized that I am so thankful for my mistakes and for the road that I have taken, for all that I have learned. Now I feel that there's really very little I have come to regret, because it has created the woman that wrote this blog. These past few years and months have taught me so much about who I am and who I am becoming.

Thank you to everyone who read this far. I am amazed at the peace and love that I feel, and yet the balance that I have come to as well. I am glad for the blessings of the people i have known and the ones i know now.

80)

Shattered but Made Anew -- written on Oct 18, 2008

2009-08-20T21:41:00.001-07:00

Shattered but Made Anew -- Oct 18 2008
Current mood: peaceful
Category: Writing and Poetry

The shattered pieces that I call my heart lie glistening on the floor.
They are but remnants of what was.
I thought it was over.
I thought that my soul would melt as my heart was broken.

But, alas, peace grew and melded my heart back together.
The same? No, not the same, but into a better mass than before.
She beats and she loves, as she never dreamed.
This peace that swells inside my heart is the product of my Heavenly Father.

This peace has been there and I have not tapped into it.
The pain is gone and the love of Christ remains.
I know that I am worthy and wonderful.
I am amazed by His presence and in awe.

Holly's Top 100 songs

2009-08-01T15:06:00.000-07:00

I was looking for some music to match my mood several months ago. I wanted to find something a bit more jaded than what i was listening to. So, I started listening more to Bon Jovi (who has always been a favorite), Pink, The Who, Seven Mary Three, Goo goo Dolls, Kasey Chambers etc.

The strangest thing happened. In looking for the jaded, i found some of the most beautiful songs of hope and even love, and I really enjoy them. I look at my top 100 and see that there is so much more hope than was in there prior to my quest for the jaded songs... Very intriguing indeed.

There's also a bit less country than what used to inhabit this list.

100 Hero of the day by metallica
99 Angel by Aerosmith
98 One by Metallica
97 Seven Spanish Angels by Ray Charles and Willie Nelson
96 - Pony by Kasey Chambers
95 - Stand Still, Look Pretty by the Wreckers
94 What Might have been -- Little Texas
93 One Piece at a time by Johnny Cash
92 Ask me to Stay -- Casey Donahew Band
91 Walk away by Pink
90 Carried Away by George Strait
89 Where the Green Grass Grows by Tim McGraw
88 Ive been everywhere (in texas that is) by Brian Burns
87 - Beds are Burning by Midnight Oil
86 - I've Been Everywhere by Johnny Cash
85 Clouds by Montgomery Gentry
84 - Personal Jesus by Johnny Cash
83 - One in Every crowd -- Montgomery Gentry
82 - Who I am by Jessica Andrews
81 - We got it going on -- Bon jovi (cowritten with Big n Rich)
80 Goodnight Moon by Jack Ingram
79 - Run to you by Lady Antebellum
78 - Tainted love by Soft Cell
77 The River - Garth Brooks
76 - Only in my dreams -- Bon Jovi
75 - I remember you -- Skid Row
74 - Drift away
73 - I would by Jack Ingram
72 - Guitar Town - Steve Earle
71 - Wild as the Wind - Garth Brooks
70 Promises Broken by Soul Asylum
69 - Before I believe it's true -- Randy Rogers Band
68 - You were Always on my mind -- Willie Nelson
67 - Place in this world by Taylor Swift
66 Anymore by Travis Tritt
65 - Johnny and June by Heidi Newfeld (i think that's her name...)
64 The Sweater Song - Weezer
63 More than A memory - Garth Brooks
62 - Bargain -- the who
61 - White Horse by Taylor Swift
60 - A million Tears by Kasey Chambers
59 People are crazy by Billy Currington
58 - Bed of Roses by Bon Jovi
57 If i was your vampire - Marilyn Manson
56 Bat out of Hell by Meatloaf
55 I miss you with me by Randy Rogers Band
54 - Rollin by Big n Rich
53 - Hanging by a Moment by Lifehouse
52 - Lucky by Seven Mary Three
51 Runaway by Pink
50 - Bound for the floor - Local H
49 I drove all night by Roy Orbison
48 - Fifty ways to leave your lover by Paul Simon
47 Something I can Never Have by NIN
46 - Standing outside the Fire by Garth brooks
45 -- Wherever you will go -- The Calling
44 - Save a horse, ride a cowboy -- Big n Rich
43 - The Dance - Garth Brooks
42 -- Wild is the Wind by Bon Jovi
41 -- Halo by Beyonce
40 - Poison by Alice Cooper
39 - Calling Baton Rouge by Garth brooks
38 - My life would suck without you -- Kelly Clarkson
37 - Homeward Bound by Simon and Garfunkel
36 - I have seen the rain by Pink and her dad
35 - Whatever it is by Zac Brown Band
34 - Sweet Child of Mine by Guns N' Roses
33 - Paranoid like me -- Cowboy Troy
32 - If you Could Read my mind by Gordon Lightfoot
31 - She's so High by Tal Bachman
30 an unnamed Soul Asylum song :)
29 - Crazy for this Girl by Evan and Jaron
28 - Shameless by Garth Brooks
27 - American Pie by Don Maclean
26 - If I were you by Kasey Chambers
25 - In The End by Linkin Park
24 One thing by Jack Ingram
23 - Time after Time by Cindy Lauper
22 - A mother's smile by the Judds
21 - Maginificent Obsession by Steven Curtis Chapman
20 - Some Enchanted Evening - Ezio Pinza
19 - Open all Night by Bon Jovi (from the Bounce CD)
18 - Just a friend by Biz Markie
17 Life is a Highway by Chris Ledoux
16 - Leave me alone / Im lonely by Pink
15 - Little Wonders by Rob Thomas
14 - Carol in D Minor by Transiberian Orchestra
13 - More by Matthew West
12 - Please don't leave me by Pink
11 - B*tch by Meredith Brooks
10 - Seat next to you by Bon Jovi
9 - The Captain by Kasey Chambers
8 - It Can't Rain all the time - Jane Siberry
7 - Patience by Guns n Roses
6 - Winds of Change by Scorpion
5 - I'll be there for you - Bon Jovi
4 - Love Song by Pink
3 - Foolish Games by Jewel
2 - Con Te Partio by Andrea Bocelli
1 - Nobody's Hero By Bon Jovi

Astrology -- too much?

2009-07-24T19:15:00.000-07:00

So when is the belief of astrology too much?

I think I've tripped upon this answer.

I think astrology can be a tool, an insight.

But, for me, it has become a stereotype. And I didn't even realize it.

Every once in awhile is understandable, but for me, I don't want to stereotype in this manner.

Astrology does not shape us. Childhood and so many facets of life do so.

Astrology definitely is a base, one facet of who we are, but it's not everything...

Just something I thought I would mention...

Some thoughts

2009-07-19T21:53:00.000-07:00

I mentioned that i would write a blog regarding my ponderings and convos with friends and family. Not to get into conversations, but to say, I really understand now how far I have really come. I see who i desire to be, and that girl that I desire to be is attainable. I have so far to go, but i have come so far as well.

So much of this is contingent upon self-worth. I believe in myself more than I ever have. I am so thankful to my friends and fam for believing in me, whether near or far.

I have blogged on some of this, but I am now seeing that it's all coming together. Another key to this is balance. I will give you an example. A week ago, I really felt, but not too much. I have felt these emotions so many times, but it's been awhile since I have felt this way. I started crying tears of joy at a chick flick. It's been so long since I've done that. Yet, there are times that I feel too much. The key = balance. That tight rope that we all walk on and attempting to stay upright as we careen through life's obstacles.

I was fretting about some things regarding who i am the other night, and I prayed and I felt peace and a confidence that I have not felt in some time. This brings me to my spirituality. This has been a foundation in my life for quite some time. Regardless of what religion I may be in, I have a true love for Christ and I deeply believe. I think back to two years ago, and my border-line agnosticism, and I realize that I am so thrilled to believe.

I have been trying to figure out which religion I should be or stay, and at this point, I know that I must complete this journey of self-knowledge and completely know who i am, before I decide which religion I will stay.

I know many are worried, from many different walks of life. I thank you for your concern, but rest assured, I am working on it. All will be ok.

I love the person that I have become. It goes back to the song, "Stronger Woman" -- "Im gonna love myself more than anyone else..."

I am also seeing that balance can be essential in many facets of my life. Needing people is one of them. Lately, I have been shutting people out, and I have been for quite some time. The truth is I let people in more now than I used to. Few people really truly knew me long ago.

And now, more people know me, and I feel that this is in part because I have begun to know myself more in the last few years.

I am thankful to each and every one of you. I love who I am and there are so many awesome people in my life!!!

My deep thought...

2009-05-27T05:07:00.001-07:00

I have been bettering myself and working on fixing issues within me, so that I may operate as a better person, like I long to become. I have discovered a flaw within myself that helps me to not care quite as much what others think....

Are you ready?

My self-worth is not contingent on what others think of me or how they treat me. That is their choice.

It doesn't mean I shouldn't be a nice person. But I don't have to bend over backwards, beyond where most sane humans would take themselves. I have taken myself past the point of self-sacrifice, which is ok at times, but when there's not enough for me or my children, that's not ok.

My choice is to live my life in a way that I am proud of.

I was just starting to understand to a better extent about not caring what others think, but this takes it to a whole new level.

I feel so free. It's as if the chains that bind me have broken, and a stronger Holly is now here.

I am hereby relinquishing my theme song. It was Not Pretty Enough by Kasey Chambers. I am going to post it one last time. Im not saying I'll never feel this way again, but I will do my best to ensure that it doesn't once again, become a way of life for me.

Not Pretty Enough by Kasey Chambers
Am I not pretty enough
Is my heart to broken
Do I cry too much
Am I too outspoken
Don't I make you laugh
Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me

I live, I breathe, I let it rain on me
I sleep, I wake, I try hard not to break
I crave, I love, I've waited long enough
I try as hard as I can

Am I not pretty enough
Is my heart to broken
Do I cry too much
Am I too outspoken
Don't I make you laugh
Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me

I laugh, I feel, I make believe it's real
I fall, I freeze, I pray down on my knees
I hope, I stand, I take it like a man
I try as hard as I can

Am I not pretty enough
Is my heart to broken
Do I cry too much
Am I too outspoken
Don't I make you laugh
Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me

Why do you see
Why do you see
Why do you see right through me
Why do you see
Why do you see
Why do you see right through me
Why do you see
Why do you see
Why do you see right through me
Why do you see
Why do you see
Why do you see right through me

These Pines by Kasey Chambers

2009-05-07T23:55:00.000-07:00

These pines are not the ones that i'm used to
They won't carry me home when I cry
Am I too far gone to recover
Or can I turn if I try
Should I trade my soul for another
Should I stay and pretend that I'm happy
Like so many times before

Yeah these pines
Are not mine
They don't smell so sweet
like the ones in my mind
And I search the needles
'Til I run out of time
But I don't see you in These Pines.

Di I stumble or falter my words
When I'm saying everything is all right
I'm not one to release my depression
But these trees bring it out every night
Well i don't talk 'cos I'm trying to listen
To the wind take me home through these leaves
But it's quiet and don't hear nothing
Cos the wind doesn't blow through these trees

Broken by Lindsey Haun

2009-04-20T23:28:00.001-07:00

This song is at the end of the movie, "Broken Bridges" (which was Toby Keith's movie debut.) The movie isn't my favorite but I love this song. When we're broken is when we grow strong. I find comfort in that, comfort that God is with us as we're going through the struggles.

Broken lyrics

Wake up to a Sunny Day
Not a cloud up in the sky
And then it starts to rain
My defenses hit the ground
And they shatter all around
So open and exposed
But I found strenghth in the struggle
Face to face with my troubles

When you're broken
In a Million little pieces
And your tryin'
But you can't hold on any more
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believin' in your self
When you're broken

Little girl don't be so blue
I know what you're going through
Don't let it beat you up
Hittin' walls and gettin' scars
Only makes you who you are
Only makes you who you are
No matter how much your heart is aching
There is beauty in the breaking
Yeah

When you're broken
In a Million little pieces
And your tryin'
But you can't hold on any more
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believin' in your self
When you're broken

Better days are gonna find you once again
Every piece will find it's place
When you're broken
When you're broken

When you're broken
In a Million little pieces
And your tryin'
But you can't hold on any more
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believin' in your self
When you're broken
Oh When you're broken
When you're broken
When you're broken

haven't posted much...

2009-04-16T22:35:00.000-07:00

I have had numerous realizations and several wonderful ideas for blogs, but they have yet to be written and are still bouncing around in my brain. Suffice it to say, I have had some great realizations about life and worrying and fear. I tend to worry more than I ought to at times. It sometimes causes me so much angst, that I freeze with fear, but then I commence worrying about worrying. This week has been better. One day at a time. Prayer really is helping with this, which is a good thing.

On another note, I got a new job. I start in a week and a half. It's not in the banking industry, and though the banking industry has taught me a great deal, I am excited and a wee bit nervous about this new opportunity. I will be working at a hospital business office.

My kiddoes are so amazing. They were with me this Easter and we had a blast. Saturday was pretty restful, but Sunday, we saw their grandparents (former in-laws) and my aunt and uncle. Fun was had by all. 80)

I am so blessed with so many positive aspects in my life.

Our Staycation

2009-03-21T07:40:00.000-07:00

So the boys had spring break, and I got the week off from work. We had a great week, but Im exhausted 80). This week, I also had my birthday, but I saw different people all week for it, so it was somewhat of a birthday week 80).

March 13 - Went to get the boys and we just relaxed when we got to the apt.

March 14 - I had to work, so their morning was in Arlington, but that afternoon we just relaxed as well. I got an awesome birthday present! I adore music, and I got an mp-3 player from my boyfriend. Such an awesome gift for the Holly. 80)

March 15 - Mary, Steve, Beth and Sam came over and stayed for awhile. We played Guitar Hero, Rock Band and some other games. We had a great time. They brought me Cadbury eggs (my favorite candy of all time. Ive even tried to make some at non easter times to stop my craving) herbal tea, and sweeteners along with cranberries (another holly fave).

March 16 - another day of rest 80)

March 17 - We went to Fair Park with Jamie (former mother in law and my boys' grandma - yes we're still friends). We took the train and then the bus. I haven't been on a dart bus much, and we ended up waiting at a stop in East Dallas for 23 minutes on the bus. The boys had fun with the train though. We had a lot of fun at the museum of natural sciences (the former science place) as well as The museum of science and natural history.

March 18 - We saw my sister at Jason's Deli and I got my gift from her. I got a Burt's bee gift set as well as an aromatherapy pack in the shape of a bunny 80).

March 19- My bday - We went to the Stockyards with Jamie. It was a blast. I think the kiddoes enjoyed the fair more, but the Stockyards was so much fun. We also went into Billy Bobs texas, since you can look around during the daytime for $1 as adults and kids are free. I was like a kid in a candy store. I love love love country music, and I have been to Billy bobs but only for concerts, so it was quite busy both times. We looked at the guitars and hand prints and we danced on the dance floor. My kids are about as good of dancers as their momma. 80) We looked at some of the shops until my migraine was just too bad to ignore. We were all getting tired. I watched American Idol and the results show while the kiddoes played with their grandma. we walked down the trails for a bit, so that was fun too. after dinner, we had cake that she got for me. It was a blue cake with butterflies all over it. Someone knows me well 80) Blue is my favorite color and i love butterflies. all in all, i had a great birthday despite my horrible migraine.

March 20 - We went to the Outdoor Learning Center trails with Jamie. For the planoites, you will most likely remember the Outdoor Learning Center. It's also the home of some of Mr. Dunlap's creatures. I was wondering if he was still working for PISD, and he is. He drove up when we parked and asked if we had the bunnies. We looked at him like he was crazy and he realized that we didnt have the bunnies. He asked if we were going to walk the trails and he said to enjoy them. I asked if he was Mr. Dunlap, and at first he said no (jokingly) then he said yes. I told him, "I remember you." He said, "Don't tell me that I came to your kindergarten." I said, "actually, yes." He thanked me for reminding him of how old he is. It was funny. We had fun on the trails. My oldest, Tristan, got scared of flies and butterflies. They are not outdoorsy. I enjoyed it so much. We got lost but it was still an adventure. It reminds me of how much I miss hiking. For lunch, we had Tinos Too. It has been so long since I've been to Tino's and they have some of the best Mexican food imnsho. It was so yummy and my goobers enjoyed it too.

We went to my aunt and uncle's house to see them. We all went to Houston Elementary. My uncle and I, geography buffs that we are - though he is much better than I am, were criticizing the incorrect portions of the huge map of the USA. it was fun though. We named all the states. The kids kept asking of the different ones. Im sure glad for the geography apps on facebook 80) . We played on the playground too, but Avery really enjoyed the map of the US and so did I. Tristan really liked the playground 80) .

So, this weekend, we are recouperating 80) I am exhausted.

But this has been a great, great week, the best birthday week i have had in quite some time.

The Velocity of Love

2009-03-08T08:09:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about my outlook on love and trust (those fundamental glues of relationships.) I don't just mean romantic relationships, but I also mean any relationship that we are in, whether it is our friends, kids, family, or a romantic relationship.

This particular post on love can be more likened to dating relationships, though there are truths in this for all relationships, I feel.

I don't trust easily anymore. I guess that's due to years of so much turmoil for so many different reasons.

So when I start to trust more and open up and grow to respect a person more and more, and love grows incipient, I sometimes panic. After panicking, I commence the velocity test.

The velocity test can be likened to skydiving. (Now I'm writing a blog paralleling love with something I have never done, so if I say anything ignorant about skydiving, forgive me. 80) I couldn't think of a better reference than this, and I'm too lazy to research skydiving in order to write a blog 80)).

In this theory, the person one is dating and me jump out of the singledom plane, pass through the dating clouds. At most points, I am looking over in order to see how fast the other person is falling. This would be likened to falling in love. At the point of falling in love, we open up our parachutes. There have been a few times that I have splatted on the ground in the velocity test. But that's okay. 80) There have also been times that we have opened up our parachutes a little close to the airplane. It wasn't pretty.

So in the velocity test, I tend to watch what the other person is doing, how fast they are falling etc, to guage whether I should trust them or open up.

So these are my thoughts on love and how I look at it. It helps, and the velocity test can be very beneficial. 80)

The cute things kids say

2009-01-30T20:25:00.000-08:00

I try to write these fairly often so I will remember the awesome things my boys say.

Yesterday, Avery asked me, "How do you have friends?"
Rofl! Does that mean that it doesn't seem like i should have friends? lol. It was so funny.

Today, Avery asked, "How is your hair?"
Well, dear, it was good the last time i asked it 80).
Then he said, "it's long. You need to cut it."
My kids speak their mind. I don't know who they got that from at all 80)

Tristan and I were talking during Avery's basketball practice.
Tristan was pretending to be a tyranasaurus rex and I was begging him not to eat me. He had me stand up, and he said, "Youre too skinny. I only eat people with meat on them." So this is a good thing, I wasn't eaten by the tyranasaurus rex, this time 80).

Gaslight

2009-01-06T22:32:00.001-08:00

So, as some may know, I love classic movies and books, alike. So, now that I have additional tv channels, I have enjoyed catching some classic movies. I caught Gaslight in its entirety. I have seen it before, but I forgot how much I loved it. Ingrid Bergman is in this movie, as well as the debut of one of my favorite stars, Angela Lansbury. She was 19 at the time.

If you like black and white movies, and you see Gaslight coming on, just give it a try. It's such a good movie. Ingrid Bergman won an Oscar for her very believable performance. Since I recently had to explain who Ingrid Bergman is, she was also in Casablanca. I was at a loss when I had to explain what Casablanca is.

The funny thing is that the premise for Gaslight is the premise for 1/4 of the Lifetime movies available. 80). Maybe not that many, but it's close. I was watching Mind Games, and that is the same exact premise. Don't get me wrong, I love Lifetime movies as well. It's just funny how some of the same classic plots get redone over and over.

Winterfest and Build-a-bear!!!

2008-12-13T21:52:00.000-08:00

So, i took the goobers out to Arlington this morning while I worked. They went to Winterfest at their church (when they are with their dad) and I met them there. I knew it was happening, but I didn't know what to expect. They had oodles of bounce houses and a rock wall and all sorts of games and crafts. Too bad I didn't think to bring my camera and I don't have a camera phone at this point, so we don't have pictures of us trying to scale a rock wall. Darn. Well, I wish i had pics of the boys on the rock wall, but glad that there are no pictures to document my futile attempt at climbing. I made it six feet. You read right, six feet. I was in my work clothes. That's my excuse, but I was in tennis shoes, so i should have made it further. A friend gave me some hand-me-up shoes yesterday and they were still in my car, so I was very glad for them. Can't imagine climbing a rock wall in ballet flats or bare feet (some people were trying that) or socks (some people were trying that too). Tristan literally made it one foot on the rock wall. Avery made it two feet. I think they were having fun falling and having the rope catch them, since we were harnessed in and all that good stuff. It was windy though, I was trying to find my footing, and the wind blew really hard, and i was down 80).

The kids had so much fun on obstacle courses and bounce houses. They enjoyed seeing their soccer coach from earlier this year too, since he was there as well. But alas, it was a great deal of fun. We were unable to make it to the primary activity for the church they attend with me, but I guess we can't always do everything 80(.

In waiting for the rock wall, a girl asked me how old I am. She thought i was 16. That hasn't happened in awhile. I have gotten 18 lately, but not sixteen. Crazy...

Some cute things:
When we were waiting in line for the rock wall, Tristan said he was going to play at the basketball throw next to the rockwall, and he told Avery to keep me company. Avery threw his arms around me and looked at me and said, "I am keeping you company." It was adorable.

I am so proud of my awesome children.

Tonight, we went to Walmart, and Tristan decided to help me as much as possible. Inadvertantly, he slammed the cart into the back of my right leg. He didn't mean to and he profusely apologized. The lines were horrible and so we danced while waiting in line, which was awesome.

After this weekend, I won't see them for a week and a half, because of Christmas holiday, but i get them new years week. I will miss them, but it will be awesome having them here for a week. 80)

My aunt from Arizona sent my boys twenty dollars each, so I let them spend it how they wanted. They decided that they wanted to go to build-a-bear. This was going to be something they were going to ask Santa for, so they just got it a bit early. So on Thursday, we went to Build a bear. Tristan got a dog named Puppy and Avery got a turkey named Bill Nye. My youngest is slightly obsessed with Bill Nye. They also had enough money to get an article of clothing for their stuffed animals, so they got camoflauge shorts. Every stuffed animal needs camoflauge boxers, right? They barely fit on the turkey. It's quite a sight.

80)

My own two feet - My newfound perspective

2008-12-13T21:13:00.000-08:00

So I have been thinking of this blog for awhile. I am finally ready to write it.

I am a romantic. I don't know if one would deem me as a hopeless romantic, but it has been said. When I was younger, I really was. I dreamed of fairy tales and that the heroine would be me. As I grew up, I realized that fairy tales are just that, and that reality is drastically different. I know that, but I guess there is still that part of me that dreams of being swept off of my feet.

I know now that I cannot wait for a man to save me. This is a huge lesson for me. I know this may be of a personal nature, but I just have to share it. Maybe someone else is going through the same thing and can be touched by what I say. I hope so. Even to say that there is someone else who has felt or is dealing with the same thing they are.

I knew in my mind that I shouldn't wait for a man to save me, but I didn't know how to change it. So much has happened, and a lot of it has to do with voicing what i want and willing it to happen. I have a wonderful friend that often talks about affirmations and how we make so much of our future happen, because we prepare for it in our minds and with our actions.

I realize that I am a wonderful person, and I am becoming more and more what I want to be on a daily basis. I am growing and I am so proud of who I am becoming.

I have come to the realization that I am strong, through my Heavenly Father, and I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13). I am more and more that strong woman I never dreamed I could be.

So I realize that I have to save myself in the sense that I can change my circumstances to a point and that i can stand on my own two feet. I can do this, I can be independent. I can do so much. I can rely on Heavenly Father and my wonderful friends and a few family members, knowing that they have my back as I am helping to raise the two most wonderful boys in the whole entire world (I may be slightly biased 80) ).

So, do I still like romantic movies and fairy tales? absolutely! but as long as I keep in mind the fact that life is full of realities, then I am ok. Just to remember to keep it all in perspective 80).

Desultory Movie Questions Regarding Holly's Movie Watching Habits

2008-12-12T06:39:00.000-08:00

Ooh, I love these and i couldn't resist(copied from a friend)

1. Name a movie that you have seen more than 10 times:
there's oodles: Abyss, Batman (the one from 89ish with Michael Keaton in it), Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, Flushed Away, Cars, Beauty and the Beast, Sense And Sensibility, Phantom of the Opera, Jurassic Park, Anne of Green Gables, Anne of Green Gables: the Sequel, Sleepless in Seattle, The Holiday, You've Got Mail, V for Vendetta, Borrowed Hearts, The Muppet Christmas Carol, The Muppets take Manhattan, Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone,Princess Bride

2. Name a movie that you've seen multiple times in a theatre:
most from awhile back - Sleepless in Seattle, Jurassic Park, So I married an Axe Murderer, Beauty and The Beast, Lion King

3. Name an actor that would make you more inclined to see a movie:
Gerard Butler, Viggo Mortenson

4. Name a movie that you keep meaning to see but just haven't gotten around to it:
Blues Brothers, The Notebook, any James Bond movies

5. What movie do you wish you had never seen?
one of the freddy krueger films, can't remember the name

6. Name an actor that would make you less likely to see a movie:
Brittany Spears

7. Name a movie that you can quote from at will:
Phantom of the opera, Cars, Flushed Away, Meet the Robinsons, Beauty and the beast

8. Name a movie musical that you know all the lyrics to all the songs:
Phantom of the Opera

9. Name a movie that you have been known to sing along with:
Phantom of the opera or any that i know the lyrics to.

10. Name a movie that you would recommend everyone see:
Twilight, Hidalgo

11. Name a movie that you own:
V for Vendetta

12. Name an actor that launched his/her entertainment career in another medium but who has surprised you with his/her acting chops:
Dwight Yokum (i can't spell his name but he's a country singer). You think i jest but in panic room, he was *scary*

13. Have you ever seen a movie in a drive-in theatre:
nope

14. Ever made out in a movie?
Nope, not to my recollection

15. Ever walked out of a movie:
yes

16. Name a movie that made you cry in the theater:
8 Seconds, Bridge to Terabithia, Beauty and the Beast, Dark Knight, Sleepless in Seattle, Divine Secrets of the Ya ya sisterhood, Driving Miss Daisy, Wall-e, Twilight

17. Popcorn?:
Occasionally.

18. How often do you go to the movies:
not super often, i tend to rent movies or go to the dollar theater unless it's a must see now (Twilight for example)

19. What's the last movie you saw in the theater:
Twilight

20. What is your favorite/preferred genre of movie:
ya know, i don't really have one. I love romantic comedies, action, kids movies, some fantasy. just depends

21. What was the first movie you remember seeing in the theater:
ET

22. What is the weirdest movie you enjoyed:
weird is in the eye of the beholder 80) i don't know.

23. What is the scariest movie you've ever seen:
i saw a freddy kreuger movie. i don't like scary movies much.

24. What is the funniest movie you've ever seen:
Blades of Glory is one of them. I know there are others.

The ability to make decisions

2008-12-12T06:12:00.000-08:00

As I continue my foray into the serious, let me say that I am still light-hearted. I just know there are some things that I am not liking about me right now. Numerous times, I have found that others are making important decisions for me, decisions that I want to help make or at least be able to give my point of view.

And, as I had an epiphany, i realize that the reason this transpires is that I have an inability to make decisions. I am one of the most indecisive people, and I have decided that this portion of me is changing. I am starting with any decisions, whether it's where we eat or whatnot. I have commenced this, and it's really going somewhat well, but I need to kick the decision making into high gear. My sons are starting to get used to it. I used to never make many decisions with them, especially small ones, but they are about as indecisive as me, so it can sometimes take us 30 minutes to decide what to do.

So, I am making a goal. I am setting a time limit in which i need to make a decision. Even if my decision is not honored, that's fine, but it's good to get my brain thinking and being more decisive, so that in the big things, I can give my opinion and not be afraid of others' opinions of me. I think that's a huge portion of it. I am scared of living with the decisions I make. I am scared it will be wrong.

But i can't live in fear. One of my favorite scriptures is "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear; because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love(1 john 4:18).

So I will implement this. I will squish that fear until it begs for mercy or until its' eyes pop out. That was nice imagery 80)

The ability to move

2008-12-05T23:09:00.000-08:00

This is something I have been thinking about lately. I have the tendency to procrastinate... a LOT. And I was contemplating the facets of this and why, how to combat it, and so on and so forth. Friends' urgings help sometimes, but i find that there are some things that I don't act until i absolutely *have* to. This is something that I am changing, because, while procrastination can be ok to a point, I procrastinate with a vengeance. I just don't think that this is how I want to live. I know it's not.

So why am I thinking of this? The boys and I are moving to a different apartment, and it didn't take an act of congress. A friend's support helped, but ultimately, it was my choice and not caused by a brick wall, where I had to act.

I know that procrastination goes along with my astrological sign, but there's more to it than that. I think that I must examine my fears that cause me to remain stagnant at times. The ability to move, to adapt, is important, imperative really. I long to become untangled from the fear that sometimes immobilizes me, causing this temporary paralysis.

This is a really positive step. I am really excited, and thankful 80)