Monday, February 7, 2011
Huge happy moment!!!
My youngest struggles with what to say and how to explain what he wants or needs. This weekend, he told me he didn't like whipped cream on his crepes. He likes crepes but not with the whipped cream sitting on it. So exciting!!!!! He is coming so far. I am so incredibly proud of my guys 80).
Wip -- Afghan and to Frog or not to frog -- Ribbit
This is my boyfriend's afghan so far. The strands that are loose are needing to be sewn in. The projected length is 72 inches finished. Thus far, I have completed 59 inches. The projected width is 54 inches, of which 51 is now completed.This afghan is being completed in single crochets across. The idea behind the colors and amount of rows is asymmetric. Basically, I have no pattern for the amount of rows or which order the colors go in. I am going by the feel of how many rows I want each color in and it's partially being dictated by how much yarn of each color I currently have.
Now onto Frogging... Frogging in crocheting and knitting is basically undoing it, unravelling your project back to before the problem arose. In this case, I failed to measure across every few inches. So after about 50 inches, I realized that the top of the afghan is 8 inches less than the bottom. Oops. The issue is I would have had to frog half of the afghan, which would have wasted over 40 hours of hard work... So my solution was to crochet up and down the afghan to even it out. slip stitches and single crochets for the ok portion of the afghan and hdcs and dcs for the remaining portion... This is depicted in the photo below.
I feel like I'm really coming along on the afghan. I hope to have it done by the end of February at the latest...
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
The Cynical Romantic and what I want
My name is Holly and I'm a cynical romantic. (group -- Hi, Holly)
When I was young, I would categorize myself as a hopeless romantic. I thought that those stories of movies and books were true. That Prince Charming would come along, sweep me off of my feet and life would be grand. I always put a lot of stock into having a relationship, since my teens anyway. I thought I wasn't good enough, that only the good people got that. Of course, what took me years of living to realize is that life isn't a fairy tale, relationships are a great deal of work, and what is stunting my realization of healthy relationships is my lack of self esteem. Truthfully, life in itself is a great deal of work. Being emotionally and fiscally responsible is not easy and is an ever-constant part of life. The ironic portion of my former hopeless romantic state is that my favorite movies, books and plays aren't the average Prince Charming tales... The Phantom of the Opera and Beauty and the Beast top my favorites list. They did even then, which is kind of screwy if you think about it... When I was a teenager, I thought that once I found a man, everything would be alright. My life settled into this pattern for awhile. When this happens, I'll be happy. What took me years to realize and I'm still learning lessons in this, is that life is what we make it. Happiness is a state of mind, not a destination.
I started learning many truths when my awesome good friend started to help me with some of these lessens about 10 years ago. It took me a long time and a lot of trials to realize exactly how to go about changing. I felt like a victim, that life happened to me, not that I'm living it. Now, I know that I have so many choices each day, and it is my blessing and option to choose either way. If/ when I make a mistake, I receive the joy of learning from it 80).
I have had failed relationships galore and I have learned a lot about what I want and what I don't. What's amazing is that I feel on the cusp of receiving what I want and desire, and it's exciting, awe-inspiring, and a bit frightening. My issue in the past and in the present is being honest with what I want to myself and others, while saying it in a healthy manner.
To those in situations that I have depicted or close to that, please know that you are not alone. You can do this. If I can, you can. God will see us through. Don't lose hope. As Cory Morrow eloquently sings, "Love finds, love finds everyone." And I believe that with all of my heart.
I have a tendency to put up my walls around myself and my heart in order to protect myself. To a certain extent, walls can be healthy. However, when they consist of 348 booby traps, land mines and an impossible maze, it is not conducive to having healthy adult relationships of any sort, whether romantic, friendships or even the mother/ son bond. My changes in my feelings and thoughts have strengthened my relationship with my children more than I could have ever fathomed and our relationship is growing stronger all of the time. .
In the last few years, I have realized that my view on romantic relationships is completely out of whack. I idealized romantic relationships, not to the point of my youth, but still to the point where what I thought I wanted could not be attained. It was impossible. One way to explain this is my favorite way -- song.
"She's a lady down on love.
She needs somebody to gently pick her up.
She's got her freedom,
Yet she'd rather be bound
To a man that would love her and
Never let her down" (Alabama)
Talk about impossible. Let's focus on the last two lines... A man loving her, that's doable of course, provided that she sees herself worthy of love, which I now do. But never letting her down? This is what I wanted until a very short time ago. People will let us down. We are all imperfect, and what I was wanting, to never be let down, was completely unrealistic.
I want to grow old with someone. Until I have that, I am now completely enthralled with the idea of just being with my sons, dating a wonderful man, and doing what I can to make my life less dramatic and better for all of us. My issue with this is I get into my "Holly-silo." What I mean by this is that I get so independent, I once again don't let anyone in. That is something that I am actively working on, attempting to be open enough to let others in, yet independent enough to go it alone for as long as necessary.
This brings me to my next song reference. However the whole song is completely relevant, so it is being posted.
He hurt you, she hurt me
Now trust doesn't come so easily
Love isn't the fairy tale it was before
So we're careful, cause we're fragile
We both realize some caution is wise
But we won't really love
'Til we're not scared to hurt anymore
So I open myself to the thought
And the hope and the real
And the fact it could end
But I'm taking the chance
'Cause I know if we don't
Then we might never find this again
And I know that we can't be alone
What we might be together
So I'll give you my best
For what's left of the rest of forever
*You need me and I need you
Sharing again isn't easy to do
We've only been able
To count on ourselves for so long
And now taken takes courage
And though I'm afraid it's making me brave
Seeing you struggle to stay weak enough to be strong*
So I open myself to the thought
And the hope and the real
And the fact it could end
But I'm taking the chance
Cause I know if we don't
Then we might never find this again
And I know that we can't be alone
What we might be together
So I'll give you my best
For what's left of the rest of forever
I'm yours, forever I'm sure
As forever I've been
I said never again
But I open myself to the thought
And the hope and the real
And the fact it could end
But I'm taking this chance
Cause I know if we don't
Then we might never find this again
And I know that we can't be alone
What we might be together
So I'll give you my best
For what's left of the rest
I'll give you my best for
What's left of the rest of forever
The Rest of Forever -- Rhett Akins
Pay special attention to the portion between asterisks. I've been only able to count on me for so long. Loving again is not easy. Opening myself to the strongest love I have ever felt is a bit scary, but I know that if I pass on this, I may never find a love as strong as I think I've found now.
What I want --
I want to grow old with someone, as I wrote earlier. I know that a good, healthy long-term relationship has its' up and downs. I don't want expensive gifts or nice places to go, etc. I want to have someone that I love and care for that needs me, whether it be just for moral support or a friend, etc. I want someone who will tell me on a regular basis that I can do this and he will be there for me. I want to cheer for him, hold him, tell him that he's my man and he can do anything. Sounds cliche-ish but that's how I am. It made sense to me when I read that Pisces women are that way, that their man can do no wrong. I know that times get hard, but I want to know that I'm coming home to someone who believes in me and I in him. That's it in a nutshell.
No we don't have a lot of money
All we need is love (Zac Brown Band - Free)
Sounds like a cliche again, but I believe this. And i know that I can find this and it is attainable. As I continue working on the unhealthy mindsets that are blocking this, I know that I have an attainable desire and want. I want this so much, to be a part of a committed relationship like this. I know that life is a struggle, but I would rather struggle with someone than alone. And that's ok to feel... I know it is.
So these are my thoughts. Thank you for reading.
Namaste.
When I was young, I would categorize myself as a hopeless romantic. I thought that those stories of movies and books were true. That Prince Charming would come along, sweep me off of my feet and life would be grand. I always put a lot of stock into having a relationship, since my teens anyway. I thought I wasn't good enough, that only the good people got that. Of course, what took me years of living to realize is that life isn't a fairy tale, relationships are a great deal of work, and what is stunting my realization of healthy relationships is my lack of self esteem. Truthfully, life in itself is a great deal of work. Being emotionally and fiscally responsible is not easy and is an ever-constant part of life. The ironic portion of my former hopeless romantic state is that my favorite movies, books and plays aren't the average Prince Charming tales... The Phantom of the Opera and Beauty and the Beast top my favorites list. They did even then, which is kind of screwy if you think about it... When I was a teenager, I thought that once I found a man, everything would be alright. My life settled into this pattern for awhile. When this happens, I'll be happy. What took me years to realize and I'm still learning lessons in this, is that life is what we make it. Happiness is a state of mind, not a destination.
I started learning many truths when my awesome good friend started to help me with some of these lessens about 10 years ago. It took me a long time and a lot of trials to realize exactly how to go about changing. I felt like a victim, that life happened to me, not that I'm living it. Now, I know that I have so many choices each day, and it is my blessing and option to choose either way. If/ when I make a mistake, I receive the joy of learning from it 80).
I have had failed relationships galore and I have learned a lot about what I want and what I don't. What's amazing is that I feel on the cusp of receiving what I want and desire, and it's exciting, awe-inspiring, and a bit frightening. My issue in the past and in the present is being honest with what I want to myself and others, while saying it in a healthy manner.
To those in situations that I have depicted or close to that, please know that you are not alone. You can do this. If I can, you can. God will see us through. Don't lose hope. As Cory Morrow eloquently sings, "Love finds, love finds everyone." And I believe that with all of my heart.
I have a tendency to put up my walls around myself and my heart in order to protect myself. To a certain extent, walls can be healthy. However, when they consist of 348 booby traps, land mines and an impossible maze, it is not conducive to having healthy adult relationships of any sort, whether romantic, friendships or even the mother/ son bond. My changes in my feelings and thoughts have strengthened my relationship with my children more than I could have ever fathomed and our relationship is growing stronger all of the time. .
In the last few years, I have realized that my view on romantic relationships is completely out of whack. I idealized romantic relationships, not to the point of my youth, but still to the point where what I thought I wanted could not be attained. It was impossible. One way to explain this is my favorite way -- song.
"She's a lady down on love.
She needs somebody to gently pick her up.
She's got her freedom,
Yet she'd rather be bound
To a man that would love her and
Never let her down" (Alabama)
Talk about impossible. Let's focus on the last two lines... A man loving her, that's doable of course, provided that she sees herself worthy of love, which I now do. But never letting her down? This is what I wanted until a very short time ago. People will let us down. We are all imperfect, and what I was wanting, to never be let down, was completely unrealistic.
I want to grow old with someone. Until I have that, I am now completely enthralled with the idea of just being with my sons, dating a wonderful man, and doing what I can to make my life less dramatic and better for all of us. My issue with this is I get into my "Holly-silo." What I mean by this is that I get so independent, I once again don't let anyone in. That is something that I am actively working on, attempting to be open enough to let others in, yet independent enough to go it alone for as long as necessary.
This brings me to my next song reference. However the whole song is completely relevant, so it is being posted.
He hurt you, she hurt me
Now trust doesn't come so easily
Love isn't the fairy tale it was before
So we're careful, cause we're fragile
We both realize some caution is wise
But we won't really love
'Til we're not scared to hurt anymore
So I open myself to the thought
And the hope and the real
And the fact it could end
But I'm taking the chance
'Cause I know if we don't
Then we might never find this again
And I know that we can't be alone
What we might be together
So I'll give you my best
For what's left of the rest of forever
*You need me and I need you
Sharing again isn't easy to do
We've only been able
To count on ourselves for so long
And now taken takes courage
And though I'm afraid it's making me brave
Seeing you struggle to stay weak enough to be strong*
So I open myself to the thought
And the hope and the real
And the fact it could end
But I'm taking the chance
Cause I know if we don't
Then we might never find this again
And I know that we can't be alone
What we might be together
So I'll give you my best
For what's left of the rest of forever
I'm yours, forever I'm sure
As forever I've been
I said never again
But I open myself to the thought
And the hope and the real
And the fact it could end
But I'm taking this chance
Cause I know if we don't
Then we might never find this again
And I know that we can't be alone
What we might be together
So I'll give you my best
For what's left of the rest
I'll give you my best for
What's left of the rest of forever
The Rest of Forever -- Rhett Akins
Pay special attention to the portion between asterisks. I've been only able to count on me for so long. Loving again is not easy. Opening myself to the strongest love I have ever felt is a bit scary, but I know that if I pass on this, I may never find a love as strong as I think I've found now.
What I want --
I want to grow old with someone, as I wrote earlier. I know that a good, healthy long-term relationship has its' up and downs. I don't want expensive gifts or nice places to go, etc. I want to have someone that I love and care for that needs me, whether it be just for moral support or a friend, etc. I want someone who will tell me on a regular basis that I can do this and he will be there for me. I want to cheer for him, hold him, tell him that he's my man and he can do anything. Sounds cliche-ish but that's how I am. It made sense to me when I read that Pisces women are that way, that their man can do no wrong. I know that times get hard, but I want to know that I'm coming home to someone who believes in me and I in him. That's it in a nutshell.
No we don't have a lot of money
All we need is love (Zac Brown Band - Free)
Sounds like a cliche again, but I believe this. And i know that I can find this and it is attainable. As I continue working on the unhealthy mindsets that are blocking this, I know that I have an attainable desire and want. I want this so much, to be a part of a committed relationship like this. I know that life is a struggle, but I would rather struggle with someone than alone. And that's ok to feel... I know it is.
So these are my thoughts. Thank you for reading.
Namaste.
Monday, January 31, 2011
I believe
I have had a very good year in so many ways. I am so blessed and I see life in a completely different light. It's a struggle to stay positive and be who I want to be, but I see it now.
I am so thankful for all of the blessings in my life. I have a wonderful, eclectic, and loving group of friends and two wonderful boys that are my family.
I started growing up emotionally about 10 years ago. It's been a major struggle, but I am learning daily. This past year has been quite an education and has been packed with so many lessons.
I believe in me.
I believe in God's ability to make the hopeless seem hopeful.
I believe in His ability to bless us in the least likely ways.
With everything I do, I know that I can do this.
I can be who I long to be and not have to worry about pleasing others every second of every day.
It's something I'm still working on, but I'm getting there 80).
I am so thankful for all of the blessings in my life. I have a wonderful, eclectic, and loving group of friends and two wonderful boys that are my family.
I started growing up emotionally about 10 years ago. It's been a major struggle, but I am learning daily. This past year has been quite an education and has been packed with so many lessons.
I believe in me.
I believe in God's ability to make the hopeless seem hopeful.
I believe in His ability to bless us in the least likely ways.
With everything I do, I know that I can do this.
I can be who I long to be and not have to worry about pleasing others every second of every day.
It's something I'm still working on, but I'm getting there 80).
My Craftiness
For Christmas, I received a sewing machine!!! Yay! So in addition to my crocheting and knitting, I now have sewing projects too 80) heehee.
These projects should keep me busy until close to Christmas. Hahaha. 80)
My wips (works in progress) in no particular order
1. Yoda sweater(k)
2. blanket for my boyfriend (c)
3. apron(s)
4. 20 pairs of socks (s)
5. Avery's blanket (huge knitting with size 50 needles)
6. cardigan designing and prototype (c)
7. jeans refashioning
To do:
1. Yoda sweater part deux
2. 2 pairs of fingerless gloves (undecided)
3. pair of socks (k)
4. dress (s)
5. hat
6. gloves
7. Tristan's blanket
Wish list
1. pair of leggings for me.
2. camisole
3. infinity dress for me
These projects should keep me busy until close to Christmas. Hahaha. 80)
My wips (works in progress) in no particular order
1. Yoda sweater(k)
2. blanket for my boyfriend (c)
3. apron(s)
4. 20 pairs of socks (s)
5. Avery's blanket (huge knitting with size 50 needles)
6. cardigan designing and prototype (c)
7. jeans refashioning
To do:
1. Yoda sweater part deux
2. 2 pairs of fingerless gloves (undecided)
3. pair of socks (k)
4. dress (s)
5. hat
6. gloves
7. Tristan's blanket
Wish list
1. pair of leggings for me.
2. camisole
3. infinity dress for me
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
So many thoughts...
on trust and believing in myself...
I was thinking about one beautiful song that has now been fulfilled within me...
One of these days I'm gonna love me
And feel the joy of sweet release
One of these days I'll rise above me
And at last I'll find some peace
And then I'm gonna smile a little
And maybe even laugh a little
But one of these days...
I'm gonna love me
When i realized years ago that this needed to happen, that I needed to love myself, i had no idea where this journey would take me. I am so thankful for all that I am learning. I love me. That's a wonderful, peaceful feeling....
I also want to talk a bit about trust... Trusting in other people is something I have had a tendency to do. My whole realm of thinking in this has been skewed. I have certain ideals that i expect others to fulfil, which are pretty extensive, to be truthful. And then, if (when) someone steps out of what one expects, they have let us down...
So i am working on obliterating the ideal of trusting others from my brain, and trusting in myself and allowing others to be who they are, while allowing me to be who I am. It's going well so far, and pretty exciting, actually...
The idea of trusting others is actually one key ingredient that has caused past failure in previous relationships in my life...
It's amazing all of the changes that are transpiring...
I was thinking about one beautiful song that has now been fulfilled within me...
One of these days I'm gonna love me
And feel the joy of sweet release
One of these days I'll rise above me
And at last I'll find some peace
And then I'm gonna smile a little
And maybe even laugh a little
But one of these days...
I'm gonna love me
When i realized years ago that this needed to happen, that I needed to love myself, i had no idea where this journey would take me. I am so thankful for all that I am learning. I love me. That's a wonderful, peaceful feeling....
I also want to talk a bit about trust... Trusting in other people is something I have had a tendency to do. My whole realm of thinking in this has been skewed. I have certain ideals that i expect others to fulfil, which are pretty extensive, to be truthful. And then, if (when) someone steps out of what one expects, they have let us down...
So i am working on obliterating the ideal of trusting others from my brain, and trusting in myself and allowing others to be who they are, while allowing me to be who I am. It's going well so far, and pretty exciting, actually...
The idea of trusting others is actually one key ingredient that has caused past failure in previous relationships in my life...
It's amazing all of the changes that are transpiring...
Monday, August 9, 2010
Some thoughts...
So I have been thinking.... So much to process and so much change. But change is good. I am feeling so much better about me. I am so thankful for everyone in my life. I am continuing to work on control of my feelings, thoughts and my attitude. I am also realizing how being humble and peacefulness are connected. I am amazing. I can say that with feeling and with confidence. This has taken me so long. My mistakes do not define me. I have learned from them, and I have become more of who I want to me, more of who I feel that God wants me to be.
I recently realized that I have unrealistic expectations. They actually stem from unreasonable expectations of myself. And then I seem to think that everyone should follow them. Much improvement has been made in this. I don't have to be so intense. It is fine to just let go and let things flow in all facets of life. And to realize that others' actions are not indicative of my worth. That is where so much of my pain and hurt that has resulted from friendships and relationships with many people, really. i have thought in the past that if people didn't spend time with me or acknowledged me, i was worthless. This was the same way in regards to my accomplishments as well. they seemed futile if others didn't notice. I can do so many wonderful things and I have that no one has noticed. i have pride in those things, and i will continue to have that pride!
It's a great deal to change, but i *know* that I can do this.
In the past, I have always wanted a man to save me. i didn't think i did, but i did want that. Do i now? No. I have a man who is walking beside me as I find my way. He is there to help me dust off my knees when I fall. i just know he is near. I appreciate his strength more than i could ever imagine.
It's amazing that the more I work on, and the more peace I work on having, the more I realize that i have so much to be thankful for.
My life is not a punishment, it's a blessing. I used to think that God was always mad at how badly i was doing. i know that he is very proud of me. I may not always do what is right, but He loves me very much. It reminds me of that song, "Touch of the Master's hand". i love that song so much, and I know that I am worth so much more with God's love and that acknowledgment within me.
So i have so many things to work on, but I have made so much improvement. I can do this. i am so confident. i know i may fail, but true failure is not falling, it's not getting back up.
Life is good 80)
I recently realized that I have unrealistic expectations. They actually stem from unreasonable expectations of myself. And then I seem to think that everyone should follow them. Much improvement has been made in this. I don't have to be so intense. It is fine to just let go and let things flow in all facets of life. And to realize that others' actions are not indicative of my worth. That is where so much of my pain and hurt that has resulted from friendships and relationships with many people, really. i have thought in the past that if people didn't spend time with me or acknowledged me, i was worthless. This was the same way in regards to my accomplishments as well. they seemed futile if others didn't notice. I can do so many wonderful things and I have that no one has noticed. i have pride in those things, and i will continue to have that pride!
It's a great deal to change, but i *know* that I can do this.
In the past, I have always wanted a man to save me. i didn't think i did, but i did want that. Do i now? No. I have a man who is walking beside me as I find my way. He is there to help me dust off my knees when I fall. i just know he is near. I appreciate his strength more than i could ever imagine.
It's amazing that the more I work on, and the more peace I work on having, the more I realize that i have so much to be thankful for.
My life is not a punishment, it's a blessing. I used to think that God was always mad at how badly i was doing. i know that he is very proud of me. I may not always do what is right, but He loves me very much. It reminds me of that song, "Touch of the Master's hand". i love that song so much, and I know that I am worth so much more with God's love and that acknowledgment within me.
So i have so many things to work on, but I have made so much improvement. I can do this. i am so confident. i know i may fail, but true failure is not falling, it's not getting back up.
Life is good 80)
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