So I'm here and breathing. God is good and I am consciously reminded that happiness is a choice. I made some mistakes recently and I wanted to ponder on them, and how to fix them, since that is vital. I also am blessed to be given the opportunity not to beat myself up too much, and to learn and be blessed with this.

Someone wanted to save me, and I let him try, and needless to say, it didn't work. I was so foolish. I must save myself. Help with saving myself is good, but I must do it. I also realize how important it is that someone can stand up to me. I need that sometimes.

I've been thinking also about forgiveness. I see saying I'm sorry as a healing, as a warm fuzzy blanket that God wraps around us, when we say it. and while that's lovely imagery, I feel that it's flawed. I will explain why. God's salvation, not our constant repentance is what saves us. I've been wrong in this, and I'm actually excited that I get to fix this. I am excited to fix a lot of things within me, because I see who I want to be and I realize it's attainable. I'm almost there. I know I'm amazing, though flawed. I love me and I'm so glad I do.

Thank you my dear friends and family for listening and for being there in any way you can be. I appreciate you in my life, no matter how short your stay.

Wills Point trip, 2012

It's been awhile... A long while since I've seen my parents' grave. I usually go during the Summer, so I can swing by Ham's Orchard for peaches and other fruits and veggies that are just scrumptious. Wills Point is a good 70 mile drive from us, and we normally don't travel that far, so it took a bit of planning. The boys insisted on going this time. They hadn't seen the grave since my mother's funeral, so it's been an even longer while for them.

We set out after a snack at Raising Cane's. We drove to Ham's Orchard, had another snack and some amazingly awesome ice cream. They make the best ice cream, if you're ever out on Highway 80. The fudge is also absolutely wonderful per the boys 8). Alright, I had a bite of each type of theirs... 8) We bought a huge box of overripe peaches for me to freeze for just 10 dollars. Their peaches are second to none. Absolutely a-maz-ing.

We went to the cemetery and spent a few moments there. I took some pictures, left some flowers and we talked for a few moments. Tristan said, "I don't know what to do." I explained to do what you felt like and Tristan patted the headstone. Avery knelt down and patted the headstone and said, "We miss you."

It was very good to go and we had some fun as well at Ham's Orchard.

diabetes

To some this comes as no surprise, but I have been recently rediagnosed with diabetes. I find it frustrating as i reversed it to pre-diabetes and stayed diet-controlled for years. Such things are brittle and precarious. Logically, I know it's nothing I did to cause this to transpire, yet I still feel guilty. I'm working very hard to watch what I eat, but right now, I'm frustrating, as the numbers are continuing to stay high while being on two medications, regardless of what I ingest. Food is my enemy. And to a point, it always will be.

Now that I've gotten out a bit of my frustration, let's look at the positive.

There are really good aspects of the gluten free diet and diabetes. I need to tweak my grains in my diet, but this could be incredibly positive, especially if I better stick to the gluten free diet.

My boys are trying very hard to help me when they're here. They are encouraging and loving and they use the force when I try to cheat on my somewhat new, more strict diet.


I have an incredibly supportive boyfriend. Yup, that's right. I have a wonderful boyfriend and I'm very thankful that he's in my life.

I have such wonderful friends and I'm thankful for every person in my life.

I can do this. I know I can. I will be better and find more ideas and help that I am happy to share with those in my life.

A Poem by me... It's been awhile 8)

I walk along the rocky shore, looking for a sign.

I walk along the rocky shore, not knowing what is mine.

My feelings soar and pour from this heart inside me.

They swirl around like a wave, while I'm begging to be free.



I ache for some answers, hoping I can win.

As I comb through so much that I've categorized as sin.

I see the equations of my life, not making sense.

As I've made so many mistakes, that would make a sailor wince.



I have a long talk with my own worst enemy, me.

And I know that there is one person holding me back so warily.

I'm afraid to move, yet I know I must.

Not realizing, I've been waiting for someone to trust.



That person to trust has been here all along.

Trapped inside the pain and hurt, wanting to be strong.

I feel a smile light up my face and fill my heart.

And I know that this is a life I truly am wanting to start.


by Holly Chamberlain
01/04/2012

Thankful

What's the best time to do a gratitude journal? When we're not feeling so hopeful. So here goes 8)

1. I'm so thankful to see my boys in an hour. I've missed them so and I love them with all my heart.

2. I am thankful for my amazing friends and family who remind me constantly that I am cared for.

3. I am thankful for my job.

4. I am thankful for the peace within, whether big or small, that tells me that I can do anything I set my mind to. Thanks to my mom for always saying that 8) miss you

5. I am thankful for all that I've been given. 8)

Gluten free -- or close 80)

Howdy all,
About a month ago, I decided to go gluten free(eliminating wheat gluten at this point) for a variety of reasons. I have been researching it and gluten can be tied to complications with autism, fibromyalgia, diabetes, weight-gain, migraines, irritable bowel syndrome, etc. And I felt in my heart, that gluten is something that's causing my family (me included) definite issues.

As I just started to cook meals here and there gluten free, I noticed a huge change in all of us. Gluten makes us moody. 80) I've read this, but we're definitely seeing that in our case too...

I'm not militant with it at this point. If I go to a friend's house, I'm not going to require gluten free cuisine... (i may be getting gluten in sauces or flavor mixes) but I'm definitely working on it...

It's so much easier than I thought it would be. Maybe why I'm sticking with it after 1 month.

Also, I have found that there *is* gluten free chocolate out there. I know this may not sound like a big deal, but this way, we can have our cake and eat it too!

there are soooo many gluten free meccas on the web, but here are a few that I highly recommend for recipes, tips, etc

http://gingerlemongirl.blogspot.com/2008/02/successful-gluten-free-master-baking.html

All recipes has a fairly good selection as well.

http://glutenfreegirl.com/

There are so many more as well...

Once I found a place to get the flours (a good friend and her fam took me to an Asian market, which has tons of starches for a great price...), i felt much more comfortable with it all. Also, i'm grinding my own rices and nuts into flours and meals.

People keep asking me if it's expensive. The answer is Sort of and it can be... To me, it's not much difference, because I make most things from scratch. Before this, I was making my own bread, pasta, etc... We don't eat a lot of ready-made foods at all. I'm finding that many of the recipes I try, taste just as good or even better than their gluteny counterpart... A sidenote - Have you ever noticed that gluteny and gluttony are very close together? 80) Just a bit humorous... But back to how much it is -- I'm seeing that I'm spending more money on flours to get started, but I have 4 pounds of rice flour so I'll be good for awhile (this is the flour I reach for most right now...)

As far as eating out, it's not as bad as you think. I'm still to the point that I completely cheat sometimes when eating out... I don't eat out super often at all (once every two weeks or therabouts...) but when I do, it's very tempting not to get fried chicken, etc. I'm working on it, and I'll work on my self control...

My boys are gluten free about half time, but it's already making a difference.

I'm also finding my vegetable intake is increasing. Vegetables and fruits naturally don't have gluten... So why not eat more of them? It's going really well...

I'm really excited all in all... I have a tendency to start things and not follow through early on... But I've reached the hardest part for me in a diet, which is the first two weeks, and I'm still going strong...

I feel so much healthier going gluten free and the boys are giving me positive feedback as well 80)

Thanks for listening!
Namaste.

Reflective Chica

I'm feeling pretty reflective at the moment (may day may day!!!). This usually means trouble, if you haven't already figured that out. But reflectiveness can be productive. I'm thinking of someone who I worked very hard with to have a good relationship... my mom. In a way, I want to say exactly what I'm thinking... But I won't air out the intricacies of my fam's dirty laundry out into the open. Suffice it to say, I finally understand a great deal of the pain that she endured. I really do as much as I can at this time. I miss her and I really wish she was here right now. It's one of those days that I wish that I cherished the time that I took for granted. We live and we learn...

So I want to turn this into a list of blessings....

I am so blessed to have had 2 wonderful parents. We definitely had our hard times, but we became truly close before...

I am very blessed to have my children. They are my life. I am so thankful for their inquisitive nature. They are so amazing!!!

I am so blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life!

I am so blessed to have a good job and wonderful hobbies!