Relationship foundations -- He's Scared, She's Scared

So I'm really learning so much in this book. The theory is there are five qualities that reflect a willingness to stay in a relationship and to keep working at it even when it would be much easier to quit (ie commitment).

The qualities

1. monogamy (not an issue)
2. well-intentioned -- the willingness to make a relationship work -- I think I have a lot of good intentions, but they occasionally get eclipsed by fear. Some of my expectations of me and in a relationship are getting a makeover though 8)
3. open-ended -- now this is where I get myself into trouble. What they mean by open-ended is being open to the possibility of continuing a relationship indefinitely. -- I get so worked up on actually finding someone and thinking "forever", that I'm putting too much emphasis on this. This is definitely something I will change while I'm working on me.

4. responsibility -- oh yes, another thing I must work on... Also over-promising emotionally on things one can't deliver is irresponsible and I have been irresponsible in both ways.

5. a realistic attitude -- yeah, i need to work on this as well. I dont have realistic expectations of myself or others, which is another thing I'm working on.

So in order to have a healthy relationship, I need to be able to have healthy qualities in all of these areas... The realistic attitude is something i will write on soon, as I'm reading a different book on fear, and I'm reading on how to be gentle with me 8). Yup, another blog will be inevitable 8D.

My First Love

To My First Love,

Jesus, I have turned my back on you. I have hurt you. I have tried to take on so much myself. I ask that you fill my heart with your love and show me that I am not alone. You hold my hand and you care for me even when I don't see you or feel you. You are so gracious to me, and I don't deserve your love. I pray that I can keep you in focus in my present and my future on a daily basis. I know that doing so will keep my heart and my healing and growing in the best place possible. You are amazing and I am forever grateful. I cling to others, men especially, when it is you I should be clinging to. I pray when the next time you will allow me to do so, that I can work better on having faith in you and a strong relationship. I have not been very good at this in my past as I seem to think I can love one or the other. I long to be equally yoked with a man in You and I know that I will be when your timing is perfect. I am sorry that I have second-guessed you.

Love,
me

Fear

This is a subject that I know well, too well. I could write book on it, but it wouldn't be too helpful... yet. I'm doing better with this, but i have a long way to go... I'm afraid too much of the time and it causes pain and hurt to myself and so many others. I have a temper to go with my complexion, unfortunately.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. -- 1 john 4:18.

Fear drives at my heart like being on the Urakai side of Helm's Deep. Many arrows are about to pierce me with the driving thoughts that possess them. Now what I'm doing is every time I feel like I'm in an arrow storm, I imagine all of those arrows as rose petals. I like rose petals. They're peaceful and enveloping and inviting. This is helping so much... It's just my first day of doing so, and it's helping me.


I am aggressive in my fear, in that I can have hissy fits, I can be mean and it takes control over me. I'm tired of this. I'm missing so much of life by being fearful. I can do this! I am awesome-sauce!!! 8D I push people away. I want companionship more than I can breathe but I have a 10 foot moat around my heart. This makes loving me tough, and I'm sick of it. I want to love, even if I may lose in love... It's worth it. I'm still working on this though...

"We call them weak
Who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist
And for that forsake it all

They're so hell-bent on giving ,walking a wire
Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire "

Standing Outside the Fire -- Garth Brooks.

I put too much emphasis on loving a man... way too much emphasis. I am still awesome, even when I'm single. I must live this and know this every moment of every day. I can't do the "I'll be happy when I'm..." game. It's not enough. It will never be enough. I need to be happy with where and who I am. Start where I am, the best place to start.  I have an amazing life and I intend to be thankful...

5 things I'm thankful for...

1. great friends
2. learning lessons in life, no matter how painful
3. knitting
4. my Children, of course 8)
5. the ability to grow.

As I Began to Love Myself by Charlie Chaplin

As I Began to Love Myself – by Charlie Chaplin

As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering
are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth.
Today, I know, this is “AUTHENTICITY”.

As I began to love myself I understood how much it can offend somebody
As I try to force my desires on this person, even though I knew the time
was not right and the person was not ready for it, and even though this
person was me. Today I call it “RESPECT”.

As I began to love myself I stopped craving for a different life,
and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow.
Today I call it “MATURITY”.

As I began to love myself I understood that at any circumstance,
I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens
at the exactly right moment. So I could be calm.
Today I call it “SELF-CONFIDENCE”.

As I began to love myself I quit steeling my own time,
and I stopped designing huge projects for the future.
Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness, things I love to do
and that make my heart cheer, and I do them in my own way and in
my own rhythm. Today I call it “SIMPLICITY”.

As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for
my health – food, people, things, situations, and everything that drew
me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude
a healthy egoism. Today I know it is “LOVE OF ONESELF”.

As I began to love myself I quit trying to always be right, and ever since
I was wrong less of the time. Today I discovered that is “MODESTY”.

As I began to love myself I refused to go on living in the past and worry
about the future. Now, I only live for the moment, where EVERYTHING
is happening. Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it “FULFILLMENT”.

As I began to love myself I recognized that my mind can disturb me
and it can make me sick. But As I connected it to my heart, my
mind became a valuable ally. Today I call this
connection “WISDOM OF THE HEART”.

We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations or any kind of problems
with ourselves or others. Even stars collide, and out of their crashing
new worlds are born.Today I know THAT IS “LIFE”!

So I'm here and breathing. God is good and I am consciously reminded that happiness is a choice. I made some mistakes recently and I wanted to ponder on them, and how to fix them, since that is vital. I also am blessed to be given the opportunity not to beat myself up too much, and to learn and be blessed with this.

Someone wanted to save me, and I let him try, and needless to say, it didn't work. I was so foolish. I must save myself. Help with saving myself is good, but I must do it. I also realize how important it is that someone can stand up to me. I need that sometimes.

I've been thinking also about forgiveness. I see saying I'm sorry as a healing, as a warm fuzzy blanket that God wraps around us, when we say it. and while that's lovely imagery, I feel that it's flawed. I will explain why. God's salvation, not our constant repentance is what saves us. I've been wrong in this, and I'm actually excited that I get to fix this. I am excited to fix a lot of things within me, because I see who I want to be and I realize it's attainable. I'm almost there. I know I'm amazing, though flawed. I love me and I'm so glad I do.

Thank you my dear friends and family for listening and for being there in any way you can be. I appreciate you in my life, no matter how short your stay.

Wills Point trip, 2012

It's been awhile... A long while since I've seen my parents' grave. I usually go during the Summer, so I can swing by Ham's Orchard for peaches and other fruits and veggies that are just scrumptious. Wills Point is a good 70 mile drive from us, and we normally don't travel that far, so it took a bit of planning. The boys insisted on going this time. They hadn't seen the grave since my mother's funeral, so it's been an even longer while for them.

We set out after a snack at Raising Cane's. We drove to Ham's Orchard, had another snack and some amazingly awesome ice cream. They make the best ice cream, if you're ever out on Highway 80. The fudge is also absolutely wonderful per the boys 8). Alright, I had a bite of each type of theirs... 8) We bought a huge box of overripe peaches for me to freeze for just 10 dollars. Their peaches are second to none. Absolutely a-maz-ing.

We went to the cemetery and spent a few moments there. I took some pictures, left some flowers and we talked for a few moments. Tristan said, "I don't know what to do." I explained to do what you felt like and Tristan patted the headstone. Avery knelt down and patted the headstone and said, "We miss you."

It was very good to go and we had some fun as well at Ham's Orchard.

diabetes

To some this comes as no surprise, but I have been recently rediagnosed with diabetes. I find it frustrating as i reversed it to pre-diabetes and stayed diet-controlled for years. Such things are brittle and precarious. Logically, I know it's nothing I did to cause this to transpire, yet I still feel guilty. I'm working very hard to watch what I eat, but right now, I'm frustrating, as the numbers are continuing to stay high while being on two medications, regardless of what I ingest. Food is my enemy. And to a point, it always will be.

Now that I've gotten out a bit of my frustration, let's look at the positive.

There are really good aspects of the gluten free diet and diabetes. I need to tweak my grains in my diet, but this could be incredibly positive, especially if I better stick to the gluten free diet.

My boys are trying very hard to help me when they're here. They are encouraging and loving and they use the force when I try to cheat on my somewhat new, more strict diet.


I have an incredibly supportive boyfriend. Yup, that's right. I have a wonderful boyfriend and I'm very thankful that he's in my life.

I have such wonderful friends and I'm thankful for every person in my life.

I can do this. I know I can. I will be better and find more ideas and help that I am happy to share with those in my life.