Fix You -- My take on this song

 I heard this song this week, and I sobbed. I heard it as God's love song to me. I know it's most likely romantic, but where I am right now, God's love song for me works, and works well. I also feel no one can "fix" us or should except God and ourselves. I have made that mistake in trying to fix others, and I was wrong. I love this song so much. It gives me a great deal of peace.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home,
And ignite your bones,
And I will try to fix you,
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/c/coldplay/fix_you.html ]
High up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Being alone and seeing the true foundation of a relationship

I used to dread being alone. When I was first divorced, it was truly tough. I think that was one reason I get married the second time... Over the years, I have come to tolerate being alone. At times, it's nice, but most of the time, it's just okay. When I was hurting or down and I couldn't be sure of my reactions, I would prefer to be alone. This has so much to do with my fractured foundation I have had. Now, I'm doing better in addressing my fears, and letting them go. Will I mess up? Sure, but i can start over at where I'm at, every time. There's such a beauty in that.

Being alone is wonderful now!! I miss my children, but I can enjoy my time alone as well. I laugh alone and I can rest in my different activities, rather than keeping myself busy. It's so nice 8) I can be me, and it feels amazing....

I'm reading my book on fear not controlling my life, and something beautiful was said. Pursue a relationship if you don't expect it to make you happy. Oh my goodness, this is it!!! My happiness should be within myself, and a strong relationship should be the icing on the cake. Wow!!! This is so true!!! I am working on me since I should always be with myself. I feel I can be now. It feels great!!!

This is why I have struggled with codependency and such as well. It's better than it used to be, but I have a major flaw (another lol) in how I look at relationships. I considered a man as my salvation. I thought that God would truly consider me one of his children only when I had that special relationship. It's crazy, I completely know... I'm realizing that I never thought I was enough before, so this also had to do with the unrealistic expectations on myself.  Some other reasons on why I wanted a long-term relationship are also indicative of my commitment fears. I have unrealistic expectations. I see now that a true relationship is finding someone that can be themselves, and you be you, and you just say go. You work your best to work towards long-term commitment... But promising forever all the time is somewhat futile... After all, everyone will leave, whether by their own accord or by death. It's just the way of it. And that's ok... I'm ok with that now... Whew 8) I'm coming along 8)

Living in the grey

Living in the Grey --

I realize this is difficult for me, and now I'm realizing how difficult. I'm starting small, with tiny little steps 8D

Watching new movies and tv shows -- This is tough for me. I find myself avoiding new things... a lot... I'm working on this 8D

I am watching a new episode right now. Yay me 8) It's on a bank robbery, which also gives me palpitations, etc. But I'm trudging through it. Yay!

I am living in the grey more and more everyday, and it is awesome!!!

Life doesn't happen the way we plan, and it's ok 8)

I have a feeling I will be working on this for awhile, but it's such a blessing 8).

I want to change this within me 8).

Flying -- a poem

Your love envelops me, holding me as I cry.

I have endured such heartache, but You have been there.

You see me, the whole me, knowing my mistakes and pain.


As I grow and hurt, You show me how to cope.

I feel your love as you hold me in your arms.

You tell me that it's going to be difficult...

Painful, as you mold me into Your creation.

You sing to me and quiet me in your love.

You say, "Trust me," and I said, "I do."

You throw me into the air,

I fly as I soar with the eagles,

Flying with the angels,

Hearing their singing.

Feeling the flap of their wings against my face.

I am an amazing creation, your creation.

You amaze me with Your love and peace.

Thank you for your love and patience, Dear Lord.

Loving myself

I've written this a time or two and have scrapped it as I just was not to post it... But here we go... 8D

I have not truly loved myself for a very long time.I thought i loved myself enough, but I see now that I haven't until very recently, this week to be exact...

Last week, I said something to my oldest son, something horrible that I should have never said to him. It caused quite the depression in me for failing, and I ended up taking out my anger on my (then) boyfriend. He did the best thing he could do, break up with me. I miss him still, but I know he did the right thing for his sake and truthfully, this helped me as well... All of this together woke me up. Though I have improved (up to this point) a great deal, it's still not enough. I'm sick of hurting those around me, God and myself. I can and will change... Since last week, I have been praying for ideas and for a path that God wants me to take. He laid one before me, and now I am working on various aspects of me, thus the self help barrage that is filling my blog at the moment. I have a long way to go, but self-love is the foundation of all i am setting out to do.I realized I have been breaking my own heart much longer than anyone else has... I owe myself the respect of loving me, and allowing others to be near me and comfort me and vice versa. I'm tearing down so many walls, and it feels goooood. 8) My commitmentphobias are part of my defense mechanism, but that is another set of blogs... 8D

I used to think if things went wrong or not as planned, that it was a way of God telling me that he can't stand me. Crazy, right? So silly, but as much as I tried to get away from these feelings, I would still feel it. That's why living in the grey was so tough. Now, it's getting easier. As one can see, there's a great deal to work on, but truly, it's exciting to really see how to fix this...

So much of this has to do with my expectations of myself and others and of so many unrealistic ideals. I am working on me and I know I will be a better momma to my boys and a better person to myself. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, Philippians 4:13

Good morning, World...

Yesterday was a great day for growth. There were several things that I couldn't control and I rolled with it and didn't get frustrated (for long at all). wooot!!! My tendency is to let all the little things bug me, and eventually just feel like I'm going to explode... So getting rid of the fear and the hurt is so helpful. This is also helping me with living in the grey. it feels so great, words cannot express my joy 8D.

Yesterday, I talked to a family member that causes me pain sometimes. I looked on her with compassion as I have been doing with others. It helped so much!!! Also, when she wanted to dwell on some recent events in my life, I mentioned to her that I don't want to dwell in the negative. She said, "Ok, that's great," and changed the subject!!! Wow!!! That's awesome!

I'm also more confident. I'm not sitting and worrying about every action i make, I'm just doing it (Thank you, Nike 8)). Someone who doesn't know I'm working on things even commented. It feels good to see that my changes are noticeable to more than just me and my inner circle 8)

If anyone might be wondering why I'm being so honest on a public forum, I'll tell you. If anyone is going through any or some of what I'm going through, there is hope. You can love yourself, love others and find peace. It is attainable and you are worth it. 8)

Today's journey... Compassion towards others

Well, today's journey in reducing fear was a bit like a roller coaster... Let's say the Shockwave... Yeah, it got a bit rough... You know  how you ride that ride and you feel like you're gonna fall out even though you're secure? That's how today felt... 8) But there are so many good things to it... Here we go 8*D.

I did really well in the morning, but I allowed the pain of a recent breakup waft over me like my favorite perfume. It went better than if I hadn't had my new-found coping skills...

I have a major issue in that I act and feel entitled to way too much in this life. I am working on being more compassionate. In "How not to be afraid of your own life," the author speaks of compassion to others. She says we should take a step back until we can feel compassionate for them. I have been doing this a great deal in the past couple of days, and it is definitely helpful. It has stopped me from saying things or exhibiting negative behavior due to frustration, etc.

I saw my boys tonight and it was wonderful. We went to a couple of my old high school hangouts, so it was quite the trip down memory lane. We had a wonderful talk about how we cope with life. They were giving me ideas, and vice-versa. Soooo awesome 8) They said they already see a big difference in me, in how i react, in how happy I'm truly becoming. Awesome!!! I want to continue to grow. They are a huge reason I am working on me. I have caused many people a great deal of pain, but I feel very badly of the pain my children have endured. I want to teach them how better to cope with life, and I have been teaching them a great deal these past few years. I honestly wish I had had even a small slathering of the coping skills we discuss when I was a child, but I can give that to them. The best blessing is I get to live it and show them how to cope and heal.  We talk about coping and anger a great deal. This has been quite a good few years in the way of healing. Every year, we are continually getting better, and for that I am so thankful. I am so thankful for a great deal 8). We have come a very long way. It didn't happen overnight, me becoming like I became. It's taken years of continual changes to improve. Now it's coming together as much as it can. Next year, it will come more together as it can then, etc. We can start where we're at. That's a beautiful concept 8).