Breathing and Existing

Meditation is a beautiful gift. It is also quite powerful. The amount of hurt and pain I am dealing with and growing from in my past is just amazing. Dealing with the un-named situation is much easier with breathing and peace that fills me up upon meditating.

God wants me to be alive.

I have been thinking about this.

I wasn't supposed to be born. The doctors were quite sure I wouldn't live through delivery, but I did.

So many little things happened throughout my childhood, whether pressed upon me or self-inflicted - I lived.

I have had diabetes for an undisclosed amount of time -- I lived.

I am growing and healing and therefore a better person and a better mom and girlfriend, etc.

I think about the blessings that God gives us and impresses upon each one of us. I am so blessed. We learn so much from Him, whether we realize it or not.

There is a certain degree of peace in that.

I exist because God allows me to.

I must decide whether I want to truly live. I have been living for several years now. I am so glad and I'm living more and enjoying more and more each day.

I am thankful for my family and my friends. I love my boys. The love that surrounds me is so peaceful and healing. I love my boyfriend so much and I never thought I would feel this way. I had given up hope of feeling this way. I love the fact I wake up to someone breathing next to me. That feeling is something intoxicating and healing within me. I thought the love I have found was elusive to me, and yet love is seeping through my once calloused heart.

Healing

My heart aches as I think of you. I know you ached and I think you still hurt. I feel you around me, showing me the best way to live. I see your infectious smile in my head when I close my eyes. As memories of my childhood flood my conscious mind, I see a source of your pain. I forgive you. I love you and I will always love you.

So many thoughts... update - May 13

I am so thankful for so much. I am so blessed to be at peace in my heart, but I am trying to keep it there. My heart goes out to the tornado victims. I am keeping them in my thoughts and prayers.

School is out and I'm trying to get caught up on some very very overdue gifts 8D. I will get there.

I may do summer school this year. That is still up in the air.

Some of my childhood is unfolding, and while I will publicly say little more than that, I feel a relief and some peace in getting through this.

Healthwise, i am definitely hanging in there. The past few days have been a bit better.

My boyfriend, his son, his grandpa and me went to Wildflower Festival yesterday. Robert Earl Keen was playing and it was so amazing. I hadn't been to that particular festival before, so it was so much fun to enjoy. We decided to go to that a few months ago, even before plans for Branson were made for April. That was a blast too. I had a great time ziplining and spending time with my boyfriend and his family. It was my first out-of-state vacation in numerous years. I really enjoy Texas country so much. REK was on my concert bucket list. Someday, I will actually make that list 8D.

change back?

As is often the case, when we try to make changes for the positive, we get the "change back push-back". For me, this has ended more than a few relationships... "sorry, i liked you the unhealthy way you used to be" wasn't precisely how it was put, but it was close. So, when I get any resistance, I feel goodbye coming on. I guess that's why sometimes I get defensive. I'm so scared people are going to leave me. Of course, if I'm that petrified of it, they will. We will be left one way or the other, by death, or by people leaving. It's a fact.

Passive aggressiveness and becoming vocal in a healthy way

I have been working on becoming less passive aggressive, and it is a struggle. I have been so passive aggressive all my life, so it's definitely a struggle. I can do this 8). I am working on saying what I feel in a healthy way, and it's really going well... so far 8D

8(

Sometimes, I don't fully understand the toll diabetes takes on me. The aches and pains are unbearable, the neuropathy is beyond annoying, and I see the gravity of the situation. In this, I must live everyday to the best of my ability. I must work on watching what I eat and doing my best. I get scared, though. Every time I hear of a diabetic who died, I take a breath, hold it for a moment, and shed a tear for them. Unfortunately, it happens too much. And then I feel selfish, I don't want it to be me. I know, that's beyond selfish, but I want to live a long life with my growing family. Diabetic neuropathy can ravage one's whole body, and sometimes, I get nervous about that too. The one thing I have to do daily is take deep breaths and believe and know that God is giving me peace and strength to do my best 8)

hmm

I'm a bit melancholy at this point. I'm making it and blessed and thankful. Just tired and not feeling great. This too shall pass 8D God is good and I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I shall make it. heh.