Well, I actually have (sort of) kept my New Years resolution so far...
I want to read 1 book per month.
I will start with a little aside... I have finished maybe 3 books in the last 18 months, since the Epilepsy diagnosis. My brain can be mush, so I forget a lot. I'm embarrassed by that, but it's also a fact. I can work with this. I can do this 8)
Soooo, I have been working on it, but didn't quite make it... So I read a comic book Saturday, lol... It was the first one of the Star Wars comics released early last year.
But, I did finish The Dance of Anger by Harriet Goldhor Lerner today. It's about how to observe our actions and how to see that anger is a road map for what we need to heal in ourselves. It really focuses on conflict and how our responsibility for our decisions is paramount. Anger is not a bad thing, but it can be more of a tool to help us be better and heal. I can't tell you how empowering this book has been. I bought it years ago, but wasn't quite ready for it... That's true with so much, I suppose 8)
I'm working on PS I Love you by Cecelia Ahern for February. This movie came to me at such a low time in my life. Though it was sad (in a sense, downright depressing), it gave me so much clarity for that time... What is true about everything is we are constantly peeling layers to deal with our past, our biology, our humanity, and everything else. Sometimes, it feels like we revisit the same lessons, but honestly, I think we get a little deeper everytime we revisit... That spirical motion is really how life is, as it is anything but linear. When I found this movie years ago (I saw it at the dollar theater alone), I feel it helped me continue to grow and make some huge changes in my life. I realized then and there how much I put into the thought of love for another that I had missed the love in and for me. I was able to gather the strength to realize I needed to let go of an unrequited love, but honestly it helped me with seeing more about the acceptance I wanted in many of my relationships, and how I had to better fill that for myself. My thoughts on love, on life, were even more obscure. I was trying to put myself into a mold that just didn't fit to be the "right person" for someone else... I had done that before and it didn't work so well (ended in divorce). I was able to get so much out of that movie. The book is good, but since it is quite a bit different, it's a bit difficult to not feel let down by it so far, though it is a wonderful book so far in its' own right.
Update - It looks like I will finish PS I Love you tonight. over 500 pages in a day. It has been awhile since I've finished a book that quickly 8) I love the differences of this book versus the movie. Her interactions with her family are especially interesting, but after reading the Anger book, I see conflictual triangles in her life as well. But I thoroughly recommend it.
So here is my reading goal. I hope to stick with it!!
Monday, February 1, 2016
Wednesday, January 20, 2016
Life is hard
So much pain, so much heartache.
There is so much to deal with.
And the truth is -- there's a reason for this.
Life is hard.
It rolls on, even as we writhe in pain.
We hurt and ache and wonder why no one notices.
So often, friend, they do.
Unfortunately, we all have our pain to deal with...
I think that's hard for me sometimes. It's so hard to remember that.
Lately, I'm wondering how to keep on going while being cheerful at all times.
It seems to be too much.
And the truth is, we just can't always be happy...
We have to acknowledge our pain.
We must admit our fears.
This is so hard for many of us, myself included.
I do not even pretend to be perfect.
I'm learning every day.
Just like you, I fail and I work on it again for next time.
Sometimes I fail. Sometimes I succeed.
I am thankful for another day to keep trying.
There is so much to deal with.
And the truth is -- there's a reason for this.
Life is hard.
It rolls on, even as we writhe in pain.
We hurt and ache and wonder why no one notices.
So often, friend, they do.
Unfortunately, we all have our pain to deal with...
I think that's hard for me sometimes. It's so hard to remember that.
Lately, I'm wondering how to keep on going while being cheerful at all times.
It seems to be too much.
And the truth is, we just can't always be happy...
We have to acknowledge our pain.
We must admit our fears.
This is so hard for many of us, myself included.
I do not even pretend to be perfect.
I'm learning every day.
Just like you, I fail and I work on it again for next time.
Sometimes I fail. Sometimes I succeed.
I am thankful for another day to keep trying.
Friday, January 8, 2016
Believe
So much pain is around us.
It's everywhere. We all have it.
No one is immune to bad things in life.
Sometimes, it feels like we're knee deep in the river or even drowning.
What do we do?
How do we cope?
There are so many answers to this question.
Everyone will have a different response.
Different times, we need to heal in different ways.
Some ways of coping are more effective.
What does your spirit need?
That can be such a tough question to answer...
Why? Because we often dont know.
Our hearts and souls are protected by anger and fear.
I realize my way of protecting myself is not healthy.
My spirit is restored by painting,
by feeling the paint on my fingers.
By healing as I create beauty.
Every breath is a blessing.
Every thought is a blessing.
Every chance to heal, even when we're hurt is a true opportunity to greatness.
8)
Peace and Light dear readers
It's everywhere. We all have it.
No one is immune to bad things in life.
Sometimes, it feels like we're knee deep in the river or even drowning.
What do we do?
How do we cope?
There are so many answers to this question.
Everyone will have a different response.
Different times, we need to heal in different ways.
Some ways of coping are more effective.
What does your spirit need?
That can be such a tough question to answer...
Why? Because we often dont know.
Our hearts and souls are protected by anger and fear.
I realize my way of protecting myself is not healthy.
My spirit is restored by painting,
by feeling the paint on my fingers.
By healing as I create beauty.
Every breath is a blessing.
Every thought is a blessing.
Every chance to heal, even when we're hurt is a true opportunity to greatness.
8)
Peace and Light dear readers
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
Thankful 12/29/2015
Gratitude -- I work on having a gratitude journal, somewhere, different depending on my subject matter. I admit, I have been terrible about doing this everyday. I see my daily reminder, and think, "Oh, yeah, that!" and promptly forget 8)
Well, as we close the end of this year, I have so many thoughts, prayers, thankfulness, and hope all at once.
1. I am thankful for perspective. I have been reading "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Goldhor Lerner and I find this book very inspiring. It speaks to how women constantly sacrifice and then the anger rears its ugly head in a negative way because feelings aren't admitted and worked on. I do find this isn't just for women, but it's partially tailored toward the place women have in this society, but again, i think this could be helpful for a lot of people. We all can learn so much and I am no exception. I am responsible for my reactions, for the way my brain processes. It sometimes feels so overwhelming, but it's amazing to have opportunity to be better.
2. I am thankful for more answers regarding my epilepsy by the end of this year. Though I found some things that are strange or odd, I know answers are good and we will slay this dragon!!
3. I am super thankful for my amazing family. These eclectic people may all not be related to me, but they are family just the same.
4. I am thankful for the safety of those who have made it through the North Texas tornadoes. We don't always think about the devastation until it's nearby... The loss of life and the loss of so many homes is just surreal. There's so much coverage on most of it, so that is a big reason why too. My heart goes out to all of the lost fur babies as well 8(
5. I am thankful to be able to grow, to heal, to learn who I am, who I can be. I am thankful for these opportunities!!
Be well, friend. Take care of yourself in this new year and be well.
Love and light.
Well, as we close the end of this year, I have so many thoughts, prayers, thankfulness, and hope all at once.
1. I am thankful for perspective. I have been reading "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Goldhor Lerner and I find this book very inspiring. It speaks to how women constantly sacrifice and then the anger rears its ugly head in a negative way because feelings aren't admitted and worked on. I do find this isn't just for women, but it's partially tailored toward the place women have in this society, but again, i think this could be helpful for a lot of people. We all can learn so much and I am no exception. I am responsible for my reactions, for the way my brain processes. It sometimes feels so overwhelming, but it's amazing to have opportunity to be better.
2. I am thankful for more answers regarding my epilepsy by the end of this year. Though I found some things that are strange or odd, I know answers are good and we will slay this dragon!!
3. I am super thankful for my amazing family. These eclectic people may all not be related to me, but they are family just the same.
4. I am thankful for the safety of those who have made it through the North Texas tornadoes. We don't always think about the devastation until it's nearby... The loss of life and the loss of so many homes is just surreal. There's so much coverage on most of it, so that is a big reason why too. My heart goes out to all of the lost fur babies as well 8(
5. I am thankful to be able to grow, to heal, to learn who I am, who I can be. I am thankful for these opportunities!!
Be well, friend. Take care of yourself in this new year and be well.
Love and light.
Thursday, November 5, 2015
Peace
Where do we go when peace is so fleeting?
What do we do when the world feels upside down?
How do we cope when there is a torrential downpour in our lives, and we're bailing the water out of our boat with a teaspoon?
I know I could give so many answers here, I could give the ones we hear in Sunday school that can get us through to a point.
I could also give answers looking at the positive...
I could give the answers that love gets us through everything
There are so many ways to answer those questions.
I think there are different answers for different times.
I know that God gives us strength. He helps us through these dark times.
After all, peace is not the lack of hard times. It's the strength and the hope and the love around us that gives us the strength to persevere. There are so many elements that mix up to become a better potion to handle what we all go through -- life. I was reminded in a very poignant post on Facebook that we are always taught and told to only stay in the light, to not allow the other half of us to be shown. Our whole self needs to be involved in living. That balance, that peace of allowing our whole selves to be loved by all who know us is more important than any other thought I could give you.
I have some beliefs that are considered New Age. (I'm a Christian who feels like there is not just one religion or one way to believe in Christ. ) So many well meaning people will tell me not to dwell on any negative aspect of my disease, to not dwell on any negative at all. The issue with that is this is my life, our lives and our struggles need not be ignored. Being positive and strong does not mean in any way that we can't admit what's happening to our lives, to our bodies. I find when I am trying to just be strong and ignore every concern, every symptom, I do worse. My hurt, my fear, my anger, they all have to go somewhere. When I was reading one of Barry Neal Kaufman's books, he mentioned to embrace those illnesses, those trials that are happening to us. Talk to it, embrace it, be friends with it... I think I spend so much time fighting what is in my body, I am using so much energy in fighting what I cannot control, I can just let go. I can just let go of what I can't control, which is the trick to knowing that at this time, I cannot change my epilepsy. that energy, that beautiful, fiery energy that I have been trying to hide can be used to work on healing in other ways.
I have been so emotional lately. Tears just well up all the time. I'm a bit tired of it, but I've missed it. I have compartmentalized so much emotion, dealing with what I can when I can... But the truth is, I do better when I embrace the pain, when I am with the journey, and not fighting the current of the river. Should I fight this disease? Of course!!! Absolutely!! This thing will not take me!!! I will do everything I can to help find a cure, to heal my heart that just doesn't seem to heal sometimes.
In regards to love, Love helps so much. Support helps so much. What I found though, what is so important, dear reader, if you do not have a good support system is to keep the following in mind. No matter how much love is around you, if you don't love yourself, it will not be enough. Sometimes, even with family, those critical, scary moments you have to endure and or fight, it all starts with you... Is it good to have a positive attitude? Of course!!!! Is it important to understand that just ignoring the negative doesn't mean it will go away? that's critical. It's important to handle your hurt. You have to acknowledge your pain and heal each individual wound. It will take a lifetime as there can be a lot of pain. Choosing not to be angry about the little things (and the things you can control) is paramount and a battle i have frequently, but knowing that difference, that's the key... That's not easy.
This ride, this life, is a beautiful, crazy, wacky thing... And I am glad to be here. 8)
Sincerely,
Intelligent Airhead
What do we do when the world feels upside down?
How do we cope when there is a torrential downpour in our lives, and we're bailing the water out of our boat with a teaspoon?
I know I could give so many answers here, I could give the ones we hear in Sunday school that can get us through to a point.
I could also give answers looking at the positive...
I could give the answers that love gets us through everything
There are so many ways to answer those questions.
I think there are different answers for different times.
I know that God gives us strength. He helps us through these dark times.
After all, peace is not the lack of hard times. It's the strength and the hope and the love around us that gives us the strength to persevere. There are so many elements that mix up to become a better potion to handle what we all go through -- life. I was reminded in a very poignant post on Facebook that we are always taught and told to only stay in the light, to not allow the other half of us to be shown. Our whole self needs to be involved in living. That balance, that peace of allowing our whole selves to be loved by all who know us is more important than any other thought I could give you.
I have some beliefs that are considered New Age. (I'm a Christian who feels like there is not just one religion or one way to believe in Christ. ) So many well meaning people will tell me not to dwell on any negative aspect of my disease, to not dwell on any negative at all. The issue with that is this is my life, our lives and our struggles need not be ignored. Being positive and strong does not mean in any way that we can't admit what's happening to our lives, to our bodies. I find when I am trying to just be strong and ignore every concern, every symptom, I do worse. My hurt, my fear, my anger, they all have to go somewhere. When I was reading one of Barry Neal Kaufman's books, he mentioned to embrace those illnesses, those trials that are happening to us. Talk to it, embrace it, be friends with it... I think I spend so much time fighting what is in my body, I am using so much energy in fighting what I cannot control, I can just let go. I can just let go of what I can't control, which is the trick to knowing that at this time, I cannot change my epilepsy. that energy, that beautiful, fiery energy that I have been trying to hide can be used to work on healing in other ways.
I have been so emotional lately. Tears just well up all the time. I'm a bit tired of it, but I've missed it. I have compartmentalized so much emotion, dealing with what I can when I can... But the truth is, I do better when I embrace the pain, when I am with the journey, and not fighting the current of the river. Should I fight this disease? Of course!!! Absolutely!! This thing will not take me!!! I will do everything I can to help find a cure, to heal my heart that just doesn't seem to heal sometimes.
In regards to love, Love helps so much. Support helps so much. What I found though, what is so important, dear reader, if you do not have a good support system is to keep the following in mind. No matter how much love is around you, if you don't love yourself, it will not be enough. Sometimes, even with family, those critical, scary moments you have to endure and or fight, it all starts with you... Is it good to have a positive attitude? Of course!!!! Is it important to understand that just ignoring the negative doesn't mean it will go away? that's critical. It's important to handle your hurt. You have to acknowledge your pain and heal each individual wound. It will take a lifetime as there can be a lot of pain. Choosing not to be angry about the little things (and the things you can control) is paramount and a battle i have frequently, but knowing that difference, that's the key... That's not easy.
This ride, this life, is a beautiful, crazy, wacky thing... And I am glad to be here. 8)
Sincerely,
Intelligent Airhead
Thursday, August 20, 2015
Thankfulness 8/20/2015
1. I'm thankful for rest, for good thoughts and for peace... So much good and so much positive energy to tap into... I just have to do that!
2. So many future endeavors are on the brink of getting going... So much to look forward to in our lives. So much to be thankful for in every moment and I am thankful for that thought process...
3. We had meet the teacher night for K!!! That was really exciting. I hope it will be another wonderful year for all 3 boys! Can't believe summer is almost over!
4. Less seizures today, so less of seizing the day, so that's good!!!
5. more answers and so much is coming together. I'm very thankful for all of that.
2. So many future endeavors are on the brink of getting going... So much to look forward to in our lives. So much to be thankful for in every moment and I am thankful for that thought process...
3. We had meet the teacher night for K!!! That was really exciting. I hope it will be another wonderful year for all 3 boys! Can't believe summer is almost over!
4. Less seizures today, so less of seizing the day, so that's good!!!
5. more answers and so much is coming together. I'm very thankful for all of that.
Monday, August 17, 2015
Gratitude
I used to have a gratitude journal, back when Oprah made it popular... I think it's really important for me to take that up again... Will this always be here? No... Though I cherish you, dear reader(s) as the case may be 8), some are for only me and will be elsewhere.
Yesterday:
I am thankful:
1. we got to go to the Rangers game. I got to see my oldest child smile from ear to ear for 3 hours... he loved it!!! He was so into it!!! I see my dad in both my boys in different ways, but sports and his daughters was the main thing that made my dad laugh or cry... And my oldest's is classical music, an orchestral instrument, and certain sports. 8) The younger boys enjoyed it too, though baseball has its' slow parts.
2. things did not go as planned. We were too late to walk on the field prior to the game, so we ran around the bases afterwards... Having been a Texas Rangers fan all my life (my dad and I shared watching the games on tv, as we actually seldom went together...), I was moved to tears by walking over home plate... As silly as that is, it was beautiful. And to think we wouldn't have done that if we weren't trying to keep a promise to our youngest (the older boys weren't too worried about it, but they loved it too...) as a planner, and a "distressed one when it doesn't all go as perceived", this is a beautiful lesson to remember.
3. Though it can be a bit stressful, as the boys can be brother-like, there is beauty in their interactions in learning how to be adults... I was reading the other day about how we aren't raising children. We are raising adults... and we are teaching our kids how to act like adults... It helps me to parent differently and there is a blessing in that change of perspective.
4. the family I married into 8). Having had a disfunctional family in my childhood and in part of my adult life, i have idealized the functional family... I actually think this is pretty common from what i've read... There is no such thing as perfection... I am good enough to be in this family, even though I feel imperfect and not good enough sometimes...
5. teamwork, ah the examples on a ball field, in a family, in one's body as living is just an example of how every bodily system works together... It's a beautiful things to contemplate!
That's it for today!!!! More tomorrow, or next week, or next month or next year as it usually goes!!
Yesterday:
I am thankful:
1. we got to go to the Rangers game. I got to see my oldest child smile from ear to ear for 3 hours... he loved it!!! He was so into it!!! I see my dad in both my boys in different ways, but sports and his daughters was the main thing that made my dad laugh or cry... And my oldest's is classical music, an orchestral instrument, and certain sports. 8) The younger boys enjoyed it too, though baseball has its' slow parts.
2. things did not go as planned. We were too late to walk on the field prior to the game, so we ran around the bases afterwards... Having been a Texas Rangers fan all my life (my dad and I shared watching the games on tv, as we actually seldom went together...), I was moved to tears by walking over home plate... As silly as that is, it was beautiful. And to think we wouldn't have done that if we weren't trying to keep a promise to our youngest (the older boys weren't too worried about it, but they loved it too...) as a planner, and a "distressed one when it doesn't all go as perceived", this is a beautiful lesson to remember.
3. Though it can be a bit stressful, as the boys can be brother-like, there is beauty in their interactions in learning how to be adults... I was reading the other day about how we aren't raising children. We are raising adults... and we are teaching our kids how to act like adults... It helps me to parent differently and there is a blessing in that change of perspective.
4. the family I married into 8). Having had a disfunctional family in my childhood and in part of my adult life, i have idealized the functional family... I actually think this is pretty common from what i've read... There is no such thing as perfection... I am good enough to be in this family, even though I feel imperfect and not good enough sometimes...
5. teamwork, ah the examples on a ball field, in a family, in one's body as living is just an example of how every bodily system works together... It's a beautiful things to contemplate!
That's it for today!!!! More tomorrow, or next week, or next month or next year as it usually goes!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)