So my tastes have changed a bit, and i've decided to update my top 100 songs.
100 Hero of the day by metallica
99 Angel by Aerosmith
98 One by Metallica
97 Seven Spanish Angels by Ray Charles and Willie Nelson
96 - Superman by five for fighting
95 - Stand Still, Look Pretty by the Wreckers
94 What Might have been -- Little Texas
93 One Piece at a time by Johnny Cash
92 Ask me to Stay -- Casey Donahew Band
91 Walk away by Pink
90 Carried Away by George Strait
89 Where the Green Grass Grows by Tim McGraw
88 Ive been everywhere (in texas that is) by Brian Burns
87 - Beds are Burning by Midnight Oil
86 - I've Been Everywhere by Johnny Cash
85 Clouds by Montgomery Gentry
84 - Personal Jesus by Johnny Cash
83 - One in Every crowd -- Montgomery Gentry
82 - Who I am by Jessica Andrews
81 - We got it going on -- Bon jovi (cowritten with Big n Rich)
80 Goodnight Moon by Jack Ingram
79 - Run to you by Lady Antebellum
78 - Tainted love by Soft Cell
77 The River - Garth Brooks
76 - Ships by Barry Manilow
75 - I remember you -- Skid Row
74 - nothing else matters by metallica
73 -Seeing stars by Jack ingram
72 - Guitar Town - Steve Earle
71 - that old wind by Garth brooks
70 Promises Broken by Soul Asylum
69 - Before I believe it's true -- Randy Rogers Band
68 - You were Always on my mind -- Willie Nelson
67 - Place in this world by Taylor Swift
66 Anymore by Travis Tritt
65 - Johnny and June by Heidi Newfeld (i think that's her name...)
64 The Sweater Song - Weezer
63 More than A memory - Garth Brooks
62 - Bargain -- the who
61 - White Horse by Taylor Swift
60 - A million Tears by Kasey Chambers
59 People are crazy by Billy Currington
58 - Bed of Roses by Bon Jovi
57 If i was your vampire - Marilyn Manson
56 Bat out of Hell by Meatloaf
55 - learn to love by bon jovi
54 - Rollin by Big n Rich
53 - Hanging by a Moment by Lifehouse
52 - Lucky by Seven Mary Three
51 Runaway by Pink
50 - Bound for the floor - Local H
49 I drove all night by Roy Orbison
48 - Fifty ways to leave your lover by Paul Simon
47 Something I can Never Have by NIN
46 - Standing outside the Fire by Garth brooks
45 -- Wherever you will go -- The Calling
44 - Save a horse, ride a cowboy -- Big n Rich
43 - The Dance - Garth Brooks
42 -- Wild is the Wind by Bon Jovi
41 -- Halo by Beyonce
40 - Poison by Alice Cooper
39 - Calling Baton Rouge by Garth brooks
38 - Beautiful by eminem
37 - Homeward Bound by Simon and Garfunkel
36 - I have seen the rain by Pink and her dad
35 - Whatever it is by Zac Brown Band
34 - Sweet Child of Mine by Guns N' Roses
33 - Bleeding love by Leona lewis
32 - If you Could Read my mind by Gordon Lightfoot
31 - She's so High by Tal Bachman
30 - Somebody to shove by Soul Asylum
29 - Again by Radney foster
28 - When you come back to me again by Garth Brooks
27 - both sides now -- joni mitchell
26 - You're my home -- billy joel
25 - i'm in -- radney foster
24 One thing by Jack Ingram
23 - Time after Time by Cindy Lauper
22 - Tangled up in You -- Staind
21 - You were so right -- radney foster
20 - Some Enchanted Evening - Ezio Pinza
19 - Open all Night by Bon Jovi (from the Bounce CD)
18 - i miss you with me -- Randy Rogers band
17 Life is a Highway by Chris Ledoux
16 - Leave me alone / Im lonely by Pink
15 - Little Wonders by Rob Thomas
14 - Carol in D Minor by Transiberian Orchestra
13 - Con Te Partio by Andrea Bocelli
12 - Please don't leave me by Pink
11 - B*tch by Meredith Brooks
10 - Seat next to you by Bon Jovi
9 - Nobody's Hero By Bon Jovi
8 - It's a great day to be alive -- travis tritt
7 - Patience by Guns n Roses
6 - Winds of Change by Scorpion
5 - I'll be there for you - Bon Jovi
4 - Love Song by Pink
3 - Foolish Games by Jewel
2 - Details in the fabric -- Jason Mraz
1 - love's the only rule -- bon jovi
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
The Light House
To all readers:
It has been some time since I have written a short story. I will later clean it up a bit with better grammar and punctuation. I just *had* to get this out 80)
So without further ado, I give you the Light House
As I tower far above the careening waves at the foot of the jagged cliff, I dream about the ghostly sailor in my mind. I wish for him, for his presence to be near me. He does not know of my feelings for him as he passes near the bay that I inhabit. I intellectually realize that we may never be, since I am the ghostly maiden of my lighthouse, which my spirit has encompassed, and he is human.
One dreary day, a storm blows in. I sense that he is near. I shine my light as bright as every inch in my being can muster. In my mind's eye, I can see his face. His expression changes to immense hope as he sees me. Safety is near! The waves crash heartlessly on the rocky cliffs above him.
In his heart, he maintains peace, that whatever happens, he will be okay. He feels at home on the ocean. Gilbert has been on the ocean since he was just a small boy. He has navigated the seas for many years. It is his home, where he lives. He is but a stranger on the land. It does not hold him as the sea does with her reassuring, subtle, though sometimes abrasive touch. Gil somehow always knew that he would die at sea, as he had lived.
Gilbert feels a kinship to the lighthouse that stands so tall and unassuming in Perinack Bay. She is blue with gray brick. Though she is not the newest or prettiest lighthouse, he is smitten by her sweet disposition on the shore, so strong yet unassuming on the harsh embankment. Her effervescence touches a part of his soul that no other lighthouse can find. He is unable to rationalize his kinship to her, but he feels a sense of peace when he is near her. Somehow, the sailor intuitively knows that they will share time, energy and even love, however impossible that my seem.
As the sailor is struggling through the storm, I watch the little vessel bobbing up and down upon the merciless waves. I hope and pray with all of my might, that he will be safe through this trial. Suddenly, an enormous wave looms before him and sweeps down, knocking him overboard. I intently watch for a sign of life. My foundation is rocked as I wait and wait.
The ocean stirs near where Gil went under the surface. A beautiful woman appears that sailors tell many tales about -- Anameria, the goddess of the ocean. She takes the sailor's lifeless body in her arms and his ghost emerges from it. I watch all of this with hope and anticipation. She tells him, "My name is Anameria. I have come to grant you the home of your wishes, since your love was my sea. You may choose any bay." He looks around in awe and tells her earnestly, "I have travelled over your waters for many years. The place I am most at home is here." Anameria looks up at the lighthouse, as she observes a figure coming down to the sea, where they are at.
Gilbert watches a beautiful woman floating toward him from the lighthouse. She is wearing a gorgeous, flowing blue dress. She has beautiful red curls cascading down past her shoulders to the small of her back. He has never seen a woman more beautiful in his eyes.
As I make my way toward them, Gilbert watches me in awe with a sweet smile forming and kind eyes that I have dreamed of since I first saw him. I tell him, "My name is Arriana. I would be pleased if you would like to share my lighthouse, my bay, and my heart."
He gently grabs my hand gently as I feel more peace and love than I ever thought was possible. He asks me, "Can I have this dance forevermore?"
I nod in my quiet, yet affirming way. And we danced upon the water as Anameria disappeared from sight. We danced and we will continue dancing and inhabiting the lighthouse for the rest of eternity. The happiness that we share in death, we both never knew in life.
And there are tales that if you look hard, sometimes a couple can be seen dancing along the waters of Perinack bay.
It has been some time since I have written a short story. I will later clean it up a bit with better grammar and punctuation. I just *had* to get this out 80)
So without further ado, I give you the Light House
As I tower far above the careening waves at the foot of the jagged cliff, I dream about the ghostly sailor in my mind. I wish for him, for his presence to be near me. He does not know of my feelings for him as he passes near the bay that I inhabit. I intellectually realize that we may never be, since I am the ghostly maiden of my lighthouse, which my spirit has encompassed, and he is human.
One dreary day, a storm blows in. I sense that he is near. I shine my light as bright as every inch in my being can muster. In my mind's eye, I can see his face. His expression changes to immense hope as he sees me. Safety is near! The waves crash heartlessly on the rocky cliffs above him.
In his heart, he maintains peace, that whatever happens, he will be okay. He feels at home on the ocean. Gilbert has been on the ocean since he was just a small boy. He has navigated the seas for many years. It is his home, where he lives. He is but a stranger on the land. It does not hold him as the sea does with her reassuring, subtle, though sometimes abrasive touch. Gil somehow always knew that he would die at sea, as he had lived.
Gilbert feels a kinship to the lighthouse that stands so tall and unassuming in Perinack Bay. She is blue with gray brick. Though she is not the newest or prettiest lighthouse, he is smitten by her sweet disposition on the shore, so strong yet unassuming on the harsh embankment. Her effervescence touches a part of his soul that no other lighthouse can find. He is unable to rationalize his kinship to her, but he feels a sense of peace when he is near her. Somehow, the sailor intuitively knows that they will share time, energy and even love, however impossible that my seem.
As the sailor is struggling through the storm, I watch the little vessel bobbing up and down upon the merciless waves. I hope and pray with all of my might, that he will be safe through this trial. Suddenly, an enormous wave looms before him and sweeps down, knocking him overboard. I intently watch for a sign of life. My foundation is rocked as I wait and wait.
The ocean stirs near where Gil went under the surface. A beautiful woman appears that sailors tell many tales about -- Anameria, the goddess of the ocean. She takes the sailor's lifeless body in her arms and his ghost emerges from it. I watch all of this with hope and anticipation. She tells him, "My name is Anameria. I have come to grant you the home of your wishes, since your love was my sea. You may choose any bay." He looks around in awe and tells her earnestly, "I have travelled over your waters for many years. The place I am most at home is here." Anameria looks up at the lighthouse, as she observes a figure coming down to the sea, where they are at.
Gilbert watches a beautiful woman floating toward him from the lighthouse. She is wearing a gorgeous, flowing blue dress. She has beautiful red curls cascading down past her shoulders to the small of her back. He has never seen a woman more beautiful in his eyes.
As I make my way toward them, Gilbert watches me in awe with a sweet smile forming and kind eyes that I have dreamed of since I first saw him. I tell him, "My name is Arriana. I would be pleased if you would like to share my lighthouse, my bay, and my heart."
He gently grabs my hand gently as I feel more peace and love than I ever thought was possible. He asks me, "Can I have this dance forevermore?"
I nod in my quiet, yet affirming way. And we danced upon the water as Anameria disappeared from sight. We danced and we will continue dancing and inhabiting the lighthouse for the rest of eternity. The happiness that we share in death, we both never knew in life.
And there are tales that if you look hard, sometimes a couple can be seen dancing along the waters of Perinack bay.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Dressing up
So it's been so long since I've had any interest in dressing up for Halloween. For the first time in a very long time, i work at a place that encourages this, so i thought it would be fun.
We had a costume contest as well. I wasn't planning on entering, but I did. I can be pretty shy in front of 200 people, but it was actually quite fun.
With the help of some friends (ty again Jay and Matt) to give me the pieces i was lacking, I made a pretty good Hermoine Granger.
This made me realize how much more out-spoken and unafraid I am these days. In a way, I used to be like this quite some time ago. I'm less afraid of pleasing people, and in that comes a new-found freedom.
It was pretty funny. I was actually wearing a Hufflepuff robe and some IT guys caught it. They forgave me, and that's a good thing too, in case i need any help with the new upgrade 80D
I didn't win the costume contest. There was a pretty believable Hannah Montana, but it was a great deal of fun 80D
We had a costume contest as well. I wasn't planning on entering, but I did. I can be pretty shy in front of 200 people, but it was actually quite fun.
With the help of some friends (ty again Jay and Matt) to give me the pieces i was lacking, I made a pretty good Hermoine Granger.
This made me realize how much more out-spoken and unafraid I am these days. In a way, I used to be like this quite some time ago. I'm less afraid of pleasing people, and in that comes a new-found freedom.
It was pretty funny. I was actually wearing a Hufflepuff robe and some IT guys caught it. They forgave me, and that's a good thing too, in case i need any help with the new upgrade 80D
I didn't win the costume contest. There was a pretty believable Hannah Montana, but it was a great deal of fun 80D
Thursday, October 22, 2009
The Mirage
I Had yet another huge epiphany yesterday. I let people only so close. I think many people might think they know me very well, but in part, that's a mirage. I am just starting to let people closer to me. This has been true these past few months. I want to let people in. Though they may hurt me, feeling is so worth it. I know i've touched on my lack of feeling in other blogs, but this brings it home. I am ready to let those who I trust in. That being said, it's imperative that i know that it's okay not to let everyone in. There have been a few people that I have allowed close, and please know that you have helped me in opening up. There's the occasional person that i cannot fool with my mirage, and I am thankful, because that is in essence one reason why I had this realization.
I think the mirage has a lot to do with the fact that I've been doing this for years, and it's become easy. Not knowing who i was also feeds into this. Knowing who I am and understanding me is so empowering.
It brings me to the Pink song "Love Song". Yet again, this song just hits me...
I would rather bleed with cuts of love than live without any scars.
I am to the point that I can say that with complete certainty and it feels amazing!
I think the mirage has a lot to do with the fact that I've been doing this for years, and it's become easy. Not knowing who i was also feeds into this. Knowing who I am and understanding me is so empowering.
It brings me to the Pink song "Love Song". Yet again, this song just hits me...
I would rather bleed with cuts of love than live without any scars.
I am to the point that I can say that with complete certainty and it feels amazing!
Friday, September 25, 2009
Confidence
As is often the case, I have a thought for a blog and it morphs into something that takes on a life of its' own. This is the main reason this is desultory randomness 80). Having a conversation is much the same, as I am desultory at best.
In thinking of my journey to where I want to be, I have come to confidence. Fear hinders confidence, so now that my fear is more bridled, confidence can't help but shine a light in me.
Sometimes, in taking a leap or step of faith, we stumble. I have recently done so. In doing this, I realize that true failure is not falling, it's failing to get back up.
The best thing to do is to hold my head high, and not be afraid. I have to try, even if I fail. If I fail, which we all do, then I can always be happy that I did my best and took a leap of faith.
My new theme song is Never Gonna Fly by Radney Foster --
You wanna feel the wind, you gotta take the ride.
You better dream big, you wanna touch the sky.
You can't be scared to risk it all.
You never gonna fly if you're afraid to fall.
Trying to fly is so exhilarating in that moment. The splat a few moments later can be disconcerting, however I can live with no regrets.
A short time ago, I blended in the background. I did not want to be noticed. Recently, Ive done numerous things that have brought me to the center of attention. I don't crave it, but I'm finding that it can be beneficial.
This brings me to Eminem --
Just as soon as I walk in, it's like all eyes on me
And so I try to avoid any eye contact
'Cause if I do that then it opens the door
For conversation, like I want that
This was me a short time ago.
Now I feel more confident in looking everyone in the eye (except when I'm embarrassed or hurt).
I feel like I can do anything I need to. I am so thankful for God's strength in all I do. I am also thankful for each one of you 80)
In thinking of my journey to where I want to be, I have come to confidence. Fear hinders confidence, so now that my fear is more bridled, confidence can't help but shine a light in me.
Sometimes, in taking a leap or step of faith, we stumble. I have recently done so. In doing this, I realize that true failure is not falling, it's failing to get back up.
The best thing to do is to hold my head high, and not be afraid. I have to try, even if I fail. If I fail, which we all do, then I can always be happy that I did my best and took a leap of faith.
My new theme song is Never Gonna Fly by Radney Foster --
You wanna feel the wind, you gotta take the ride.
You better dream big, you wanna touch the sky.
You can't be scared to risk it all.
You never gonna fly if you're afraid to fall.
Trying to fly is so exhilarating in that moment. The splat a few moments later can be disconcerting, however I can live with no regrets.
A short time ago, I blended in the background. I did not want to be noticed. Recently, Ive done numerous things that have brought me to the center of attention. I don't crave it, but I'm finding that it can be beneficial.
This brings me to Eminem --
Just as soon as I walk in, it's like all eyes on me
And so I try to avoid any eye contact
'Cause if I do that then it opens the door
For conversation, like I want that
This was me a short time ago.
Now I feel more confident in looking everyone in the eye (except when I'm embarrassed or hurt).
I feel like I can do anything I need to. I am so thankful for God's strength in all I do. I am also thankful for each one of you 80)
Thursday, August 20, 2009
The Decision -- Written 7/26/2007
Thursday, July 26, 2007
 | Current mood:  peaceful Category: Writing and Poetry As I gaze upon the path before me, I realize the depth of my decision. I peer at the challenges laid out before me. I ponder at what my life is to be. The decision I make may not make logical sense to all. It makes logical sense to me. And it is the decision that God has led me to. I call it the first decision of the rest of my life. My heart pounds as I look into the glory that is my Creator. I say the words I feel led to say. My heart beats with anticipation for the commitment I am making. I realize that my life will never be the same, only better. I look at the girl in the mirror and I see that the Lord has given her such beauty, Such strength and so many blessings to go forward in this life. There are trials and there are struggles, But this girl will make it through. My Lord, who is holding me up, is here and is with me as I declare my decision. I am a new creation. |
Fear
Fear
I have a great deal of thoughts on this subject, as fear is an emotion that has riddled my life for a great deal of it.
I am going to ramble a bit and quote quite a few different sources in order to get my point across.
I realize now how much I have allowed fear to run my life. I have realized this for some time, and have been working on this for quite awhile, but I have recently had some huge breakthroughs that are already showing me how much peace I am able to obtain. I have a feeling this is just the beginning 80).
For many years, I have been afraid to let people in. Some people that I have let in, I only let them in so much. I am speaking of family, friends, and even God. This entire post does not focus on anyone in particular, but everyone that I am privileged to know. I put myself in a glass booth, and then wonder where everyone is. I realized that it's because I am afraid.
"Where God's love is, there is no fear, because perfect love drives out fear. It is punishment that makes a person fear, so love is not made perfect in the person who fears." I John 4:18
This verse brings me peace. I don't want to fear.
This verse also reminds me of Star Wars (remember -- Desultory randomness is the name of this blog - hehe).
Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering. Star Wars Episode 1
The fear of loss is a path to the Dark Side. -- Star Wars Episode 3
The fear of loss has scared me to the point of being frozen. I have been afraid that anyone that would enter my life would leave it. The truth is that they may. But I am so blessed for the time that I spent with them, no matter how long. Every friendship can and does teach me something and in so many ways, I am better for it.
This reminds me of the song "You move me" by Susan Ashton. Garth later covered it with her on background vocals.
Frozen solid with fear
Like a rock in the ground
But you move me
You give me courage I didn’t
know I had
You move me
I can’t go with you
And stay where I am
So you move me
I realize this song is about God or relationships, whichever way you might want to look at it. I have felt this way, frozen where I am at. Truly, there have been so many people that have moved me. The ultimate one is Heavenly Father. Then there are those that He has placed in my life that move me. A few that i place in this category might be surprised, but I am forever thankful for them and the ability to even know them.
Yoda speaks of fear in the above quotes. I feel that fear is negative energy that turns to anger, pain and woe. I feel this is why the Jedi Code forbids the attachment of love. Love can lead to that fear of loss.
Fear of loss -- something that I have wrestled with on many occasions. I recently had the realization that I was mad at Heavenly Father, because of all of the loss I have had in my life. I realize that it's not his fault at all. Loss happens in so many aspects, whether by death or divorce or paths of those we care for only paralleling ours for a time.
This was the major breakthrough in forgiveness, and now I feel so much freer and lighter.
This brings me to a song by Pink. In this song, I realize that she is speaking of romantic relationships, but I feel that this can be paralleled to all relationships and all sorts of types of love, whether it be family, friends, God, or a romantic involvement.
There's this well of emotions
I feel I must protect
But what's the point of this armor
If it keeps the love away, too?
I'd rather bleed with cuts of love
Than live without any scars
(Love Song by Pink)
I had been in a place for months where I didn't feel. that had lasted for months and months and even years. Actually in many facets of my life, I would say it has lasted for many years. This wall that I have built has kept so many chances for close friends from coming to fruition. I would say that I now have a bigger and stronger support system than I have had in years. When I heard that part of Love song, I got chills and realized that this is exactly what I was doing. I was attempting not to get hurt, so the positive feelings were kept away as well. Sure, I felt positive feelings, but only to a point. Vulnerability can be good.
Walls can be good as well. I realize that it's important to obtain a balance and not let everyone in, because this is a sure fire way of getting hurt. I have also done this. I sometimes have let anyone in, and ended up paying for it in so many negative ways. But this is not founded in fear. If we have a feeling that we don't want to be friends with someone, there could truly be a legitimate reason, and it is our intuition leading us to that thought.
This brings me to the lyrics of The Dance.
(from memory so please forgive me if it's not precise)
"And I am glad I didn't know
The Way it all would end.
The way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance.
I could've missed the pain.
But I'd ahad to miss the dance."
I don't want to miss this. The pain has taught me so much. Recently, i was thinking about regret. After forgiving recently, I realized that I am so thankful for my mistakes and for the road that I have taken, for all that I have learned. Now I feel that there's really very little I have come to regret, because it has created the woman that wrote this blog. These past few years and months have taught me so much about who I am and who I am becoming.
Thank you to everyone who read this far. I am amazed at the peace and love that I feel, and yet the balance that I have come to as well. I am glad for the blessings of the people i have known and the ones i know now.
80)
I have a great deal of thoughts on this subject, as fear is an emotion that has riddled my life for a great deal of it.
I am going to ramble a bit and quote quite a few different sources in order to get my point across.
I realize now how much I have allowed fear to run my life. I have realized this for some time, and have been working on this for quite awhile, but I have recently had some huge breakthroughs that are already showing me how much peace I am able to obtain. I have a feeling this is just the beginning 80).
For many years, I have been afraid to let people in. Some people that I have let in, I only let them in so much. I am speaking of family, friends, and even God. This entire post does not focus on anyone in particular, but everyone that I am privileged to know. I put myself in a glass booth, and then wonder where everyone is. I realized that it's because I am afraid.
"Where God's love is, there is no fear, because perfect love drives out fear. It is punishment that makes a person fear, so love is not made perfect in the person who fears." I John 4:18
This verse brings me peace. I don't want to fear.
This verse also reminds me of Star Wars (remember -- Desultory randomness is the name of this blog - hehe).
Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering. Star Wars Episode 1
The fear of loss is a path to the Dark Side. -- Star Wars Episode 3
The fear of loss has scared me to the point of being frozen. I have been afraid that anyone that would enter my life would leave it. The truth is that they may. But I am so blessed for the time that I spent with them, no matter how long. Every friendship can and does teach me something and in so many ways, I am better for it.
This reminds me of the song "You move me" by Susan Ashton. Garth later covered it with her on background vocals.
Frozen solid with fear
Like a rock in the ground
But you move me
You give me courage I didn’t
know I had
You move me
I can’t go with you
And stay where I am
So you move me
I realize this song is about God or relationships, whichever way you might want to look at it. I have felt this way, frozen where I am at. Truly, there have been so many people that have moved me. The ultimate one is Heavenly Father. Then there are those that He has placed in my life that move me. A few that i place in this category might be surprised, but I am forever thankful for them and the ability to even know them.
Yoda speaks of fear in the above quotes. I feel that fear is negative energy that turns to anger, pain and woe. I feel this is why the Jedi Code forbids the attachment of love. Love can lead to that fear of loss.
Fear of loss -- something that I have wrestled with on many occasions. I recently had the realization that I was mad at Heavenly Father, because of all of the loss I have had in my life. I realize that it's not his fault at all. Loss happens in so many aspects, whether by death or divorce or paths of those we care for only paralleling ours for a time.
This was the major breakthrough in forgiveness, and now I feel so much freer and lighter.
This brings me to a song by Pink. In this song, I realize that she is speaking of romantic relationships, but I feel that this can be paralleled to all relationships and all sorts of types of love, whether it be family, friends, God, or a romantic involvement.
There's this well of emotions
I feel I must protect
But what's the point of this armor
If it keeps the love away, too?
I'd rather bleed with cuts of love
Than live without any scars
(Love Song by Pink)
I had been in a place for months where I didn't feel. that had lasted for months and months and even years. Actually in many facets of my life, I would say it has lasted for many years. This wall that I have built has kept so many chances for close friends from coming to fruition. I would say that I now have a bigger and stronger support system than I have had in years. When I heard that part of Love song, I got chills and realized that this is exactly what I was doing. I was attempting not to get hurt, so the positive feelings were kept away as well. Sure, I felt positive feelings, but only to a point. Vulnerability can be good.
Walls can be good as well. I realize that it's important to obtain a balance and not let everyone in, because this is a sure fire way of getting hurt. I have also done this. I sometimes have let anyone in, and ended up paying for it in so many negative ways. But this is not founded in fear. If we have a feeling that we don't want to be friends with someone, there could truly be a legitimate reason, and it is our intuition leading us to that thought.
This brings me to the lyrics of The Dance.
(from memory so please forgive me if it's not precise)
"And I am glad I didn't know
The Way it all would end.
The way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance.
I could've missed the pain.
But I'd ahad to miss the dance."
I don't want to miss this. The pain has taught me so much. Recently, i was thinking about regret. After forgiving recently, I realized that I am so thankful for my mistakes and for the road that I have taken, for all that I have learned. Now I feel that there's really very little I have come to regret, because it has created the woman that wrote this blog. These past few years and months have taught me so much about who I am and who I am becoming.
Thank you to everyone who read this far. I am amazed at the peace and love that I feel, and yet the balance that I have come to as well. I am glad for the blessings of the people i have known and the ones i know now.
80)
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