Responsibility and control

I have been thinking a great deal on this. This will be a quick blog and I may come back and polish it.

"Sometimes I get nervous when I see an open door. Close your eyes, clear your heart. Cut the cord. " -- Human by the Killers

When i recently heard this song again, this line stuck out at me. I realized this is what I had to do.

Sometimes, I have been frozen with fear. I've spoken of it before. In the past, I haven't taken responsibility for many of my actions, and I see now that it's imperative to growth.

I take responsibility for what I've done, for who I am. But the other side of this, is i take responsibility for others' mistakes too, and this is ceasing now.

I am responsible for me and my two awesome sons. I have learned so much in my life, and I see how much i have to teach to my children, especially.

I am so very proud of them. They helped teach me how to live. There are so many people who are amazing and I am so thankful for the people that come into my life, if even for a moment.

There are so many things we don't have control over, but one of the most important facets is we have control over our attitudes. 80)

thoughts on peace

So many thoughts have recently come to me in regards to peace.

I am so peaceful in where I am regarding life. It's not what life brings to us, it's what we bring to life -- a simple yet eloquent thought that first hit me when I watched Anne of green gables: the continuing story (it is *not* anne of avonlea -- nothing like the book, but I digress.) Another reason this first hit me in this movie is that I am a romantic. I used to be moreso, but my romanticism is now mixed with a good deal of reality or cynicism... depending on one's definition 80)

I am also learning about walking the fine line that is learning from the past without dwelling in it. The past has taught me so much. This life in general is meant for that, to learn and grow. And i am so amazed at the person I've become -- am becoming 80)

i am so thankful for my life, for the people in it, for God's work in and through me.

Thank you all for rolling with me 80) (think Montgomery Gentry's roll with me 80))

Valentine's Day on a budget...

This subject has recently come up a few times, in part due to my second job and the constant bombardment of Valentine's day there, and also that of a guy friend requesting advice for said holiday...

i was originally intending this blog to target what a guy could get a girl, but *some* of this could be used for what a girl could get a guy... that being said, i will still be saying what to get her, etc from here on out...

Here are some things to think about with Valentine's day...

More expensive isn't always better...

If you have agreed to attack this holiday with a budget of a certain amount...all the better...

Some simple ideas... (some of which can be found at my secondary place of employment, hehe)

a preserved rose or a single rose and an inexpensive vase. (be careful to research the color of roses online if your gal is particular on that sort of thing... certain colors denote different things)

candles (nice candles can actually start out pretty inexpensive.

a candy dish with her favorite candy

a special treat she doesn't get a great deal of (it could be a bottle of wine she likes or a juice she doesnt buy often, or sparkling grape juice, etc), cadbury eggs (i speak from personal experience on this one -- i get at least one of these for my bday every year... oh and diet drinks too... ) i actually think the practical gifts are awesome... it's something i like, and i'm so appreciative...

herbal tea along with a little mug

fuzzy socks and that could be paired with some nice foot lotion.

an eye mask -- again these can be found inexpensively at different places and you could even get her a bottle of her favorite lotion, an eye mask, etc and make it a litte beauty kit for less than $20

coupons -- such as one free back-rub, one free 'i'll fix dinner' night, one free "i'll do the dishes night", one free "i'll rub your feet " night, one free "i'll go to the store and pick up something we forgot" night. for people with kids, the youngens can get in on this too, and help decorate them, etc.

put hershey's kisses on the floor between her side of the bed and the bathroom (**NOT if you have a dog**)) and rose petals in the bathtub -- and you could put on a note, "I wanted to kiss the ground you walk on and shower you with rose petals"

you can cook dinner(if you can cook). If you don't know how, i wouldn't choose this night to try, please 80)

getting a heart-shaped dish and putting it only half full of candy -- and putting a note saying, "my heart is only half full without you'


quoting songs is another thing that i'm notorius for, so a cd of romantic favorites would be good. If you don't know each other as well, you can give her a cd of some of your faves (try to use taste though, hehe).

a book from her favorite author is also good...

So this should get one's creative juices flowing. I hope this helps someone 80)

I wanted to say one closing note regarding Valentine's day.Is it over-commercialized? It might be, but anything that promotes love can't be all bad. It's just imperative to remember the ones we love on the other 364 days that we live throughout the year 80)

Sincerely,
Holly

100 favorite songs -- revisited

So my tastes have changed a bit, and i've decided to update my top 100 songs.

100 Hero of the day by metallica
99 Angel by Aerosmith
98 One by Metallica
97 Seven Spanish Angels by Ray Charles and Willie Nelson
96 - Superman by five for fighting
95 - Stand Still, Look Pretty by the Wreckers
94 What Might have been -- Little Texas
93 One Piece at a time by Johnny Cash
92 Ask me to Stay -- Casey Donahew Band
91 Walk away by Pink
90 Carried Away by George Strait
89 Where the Green Grass Grows by Tim McGraw
88 Ive been everywhere (in texas that is) by Brian Burns
87 - Beds are Burning by Midnight Oil
86 - I've Been Everywhere by Johnny Cash
85 Clouds by Montgomery Gentry
84 - Personal Jesus by Johnny Cash
83 - One in Every crowd -- Montgomery Gentry
82 - Who I am by Jessica Andrews
81 - We got it going on -- Bon jovi (cowritten with Big n Rich)
80 Goodnight Moon by Jack Ingram
79 - Run to you by Lady Antebellum
78 - Tainted love by Soft Cell
77 The River - Garth Brooks
76 - Ships by Barry Manilow
75 - I remember you -- Skid Row
74 - nothing else matters by metallica
73 -Seeing stars by Jack ingram
72 - Guitar Town - Steve Earle
71 - that old wind by Garth brooks
70 Promises Broken by Soul Asylum
69 - Before I believe it's true -- Randy Rogers Band
68 - You were Always on my mind -- Willie Nelson
67 - Place in this world by Taylor Swift
66 Anymore by Travis Tritt
65 - Johnny and June by Heidi Newfeld (i think that's her name...)
64 The Sweater Song - Weezer
63 More than A memory - Garth Brooks
62 - Bargain -- the who
61 - White Horse by Taylor Swift
60 - A million Tears by Kasey Chambers
59 People are crazy by Billy Currington
58 - Bed of Roses by Bon Jovi
57 If i was your vampire - Marilyn Manson
56 Bat out of Hell by Meatloaf
55 - learn to love by bon jovi
54 - Rollin by Big n Rich
53 - Hanging by a Moment by Lifehouse
52 - Lucky by Seven Mary Three
51 Runaway by Pink
50 - Bound for the floor - Local H
49 I drove all night by Roy Orbison
48 - Fifty ways to leave your lover by Paul Simon
47 Something I can Never Have by NIN
46 - Standing outside the Fire by Garth brooks
45 -- Wherever you will go -- The Calling
44 - Save a horse, ride a cowboy -- Big n Rich
43 - The Dance - Garth Brooks
42 -- Wild is the Wind by Bon Jovi
41 -- Halo by Beyonce
40 - Poison by Alice Cooper
39 - Calling Baton Rouge by Garth brooks
38 - Beautiful by eminem
37 - Homeward Bound by Simon and Garfunkel
36 - I have seen the rain by Pink and her dad
35 - Whatever it is by Zac Brown Band
34 - Sweet Child of Mine by Guns N' Roses
33 - Bleeding love by Leona lewis
32 - If you Could Read my mind by Gordon Lightfoot
31 - She's so High by Tal Bachman
30 - Somebody to shove by Soul Asylum
29 - Again by Radney foster
28 - When you come back to me again by Garth Brooks
27 - both sides now -- joni mitchell
26 - You're my home -- billy joel
25 - i'm in -- radney foster
24 One thing by Jack Ingram
23 - Time after Time by Cindy Lauper
22 - Tangled up in You -- Staind
21 - You were so right -- radney foster
20 - Some Enchanted Evening - Ezio Pinza
19 - Open all Night by Bon Jovi (from the Bounce CD)
18 - i miss you with me -- Randy Rogers band
17 Life is a Highway by Chris Ledoux
16 - Leave me alone / Im lonely by Pink
15 - Little Wonders by Rob Thomas
14 - Carol in D Minor by Transiberian Orchestra
13 - Con Te Partio by Andrea Bocelli
12 - Please don't leave me by Pink
11 - B*tch by Meredith Brooks
10 - Seat next to you by Bon Jovi
9 - Nobody's Hero By Bon Jovi
8 - It's a great day to be alive -- travis tritt
7 - Patience by Guns n Roses
6 - Winds of Change by Scorpion
5 - I'll be there for you - Bon Jovi
4 - Love Song by Pink
3 - Foolish Games by Jewel
2 - Details in the fabric -- Jason Mraz
1 - love's the only rule -- bon jovi

The Light House

To all readers:
It has been some time since I have written a short story. I will later clean it up a bit with better grammar and punctuation. I just *had* to get this out 80)

So without further ado, I give you the Light House

As I tower far above the careening waves at the foot of the jagged cliff, I dream about the ghostly sailor in my mind. I wish for him, for his presence to be near me. He does not know of my feelings for him as he passes near the bay that I inhabit. I intellectually realize that we may never be, since I am the ghostly maiden of my lighthouse, which my spirit has encompassed, and he is human.

One dreary day, a storm blows in. I sense that he is near. I shine my light as bright as every inch in my being can muster. In my mind's eye, I can see his face. His expression changes to immense hope as he sees me. Safety is near! The waves crash heartlessly on the rocky cliffs above him.

In his heart, he maintains peace, that whatever happens, he will be okay. He feels at home on the ocean. Gilbert has been on the ocean since he was just a small boy. He has navigated the seas for many years. It is his home, where he lives. He is but a stranger on the land. It does not hold him as the sea does with her reassuring, subtle, though sometimes abrasive touch. Gil somehow always knew that he would die at sea, as he had lived.

Gilbert feels a kinship to the lighthouse that stands so tall and unassuming in Perinack Bay. She is blue with gray brick. Though she is not the newest or prettiest lighthouse, he is smitten by her sweet disposition on the shore, so strong yet unassuming on the harsh embankment. Her effervescence touches a part of his soul that no other lighthouse can find. He is unable to rationalize his kinship to her, but he feels a sense of peace when he is near her. Somehow, the sailor intuitively knows that they will share time, energy and even love, however impossible that my seem.

As the sailor is struggling through the storm, I watch the little vessel bobbing up and down upon the merciless waves. I hope and pray with all of my might, that he will be safe through this trial. Suddenly, an enormous wave looms before him and sweeps down, knocking him overboard. I intently watch for a sign of life. My foundation is rocked as I wait and wait.

The ocean stirs near where Gil went under the surface. A beautiful woman appears that sailors tell many tales about -- Anameria, the goddess of the ocean. She takes the sailor's lifeless body in her arms and his ghost emerges from it. I watch all of this with hope and anticipation. She tells him, "My name is Anameria. I have come to grant you the home of your wishes, since your love was my sea. You may choose any bay." He looks around in awe and tells her earnestly, "I have travelled over your waters for many years. The place I am most at home is here." Anameria looks up at the lighthouse, as she observes a figure coming down to the sea, where they are at.

Gilbert watches a beautiful woman floating toward him from the lighthouse. She is wearing a gorgeous, flowing blue dress. She has beautiful red curls cascading down past her shoulders to the small of her back. He has never seen a woman more beautiful in his eyes.

As I make my way toward them, Gilbert watches me in awe with a sweet smile forming and kind eyes that I have dreamed of since I first saw him. I tell him, "My name is Arriana. I would be pleased if you would like to share my lighthouse, my bay, and my heart."

He gently grabs my hand gently as I feel more peace and love than I ever thought was possible. He asks me, "Can I have this dance forevermore?"

I nod in my quiet, yet affirming way. And we danced upon the water as Anameria disappeared from sight. We danced and we will continue dancing and inhabiting the lighthouse for the rest of eternity. The happiness that we share in death, we both never knew in life.

And there are tales that if you look hard, sometimes a couple can be seen dancing along the waters of Perinack bay.

Dressing up

So it's been so long since I've had any interest in dressing up for Halloween. For the first time in a very long time, i work at a place that encourages this, so i thought it would be fun.

We had a costume contest as well. I wasn't planning on entering, but I did. I can be pretty shy in front of 200 people, but it was actually quite fun.

With the help of some friends (ty again Jay and Matt) to give me the pieces i was lacking, I made a pretty good Hermoine Granger.

This made me realize how much more out-spoken and unafraid I am these days. In a way, I used to be like this quite some time ago. I'm less afraid of pleasing people, and in that comes a new-found freedom.

It was pretty funny. I was actually wearing a Hufflepuff robe and some IT guys caught it. They forgave me, and that's a good thing too, in case i need any help with the new upgrade 80D

I didn't win the costume contest. There was a pretty believable Hannah Montana, but it was a great deal of fun 80D

The Mirage

I Had yet another huge epiphany yesterday. I let people only so close. I think many people might think they know me very well, but in part, that's a mirage. I am just starting to let people closer to me. This has been true these past few months. I want to let people in. Though they may hurt me, feeling is so worth it. I know i've touched on my lack of feeling in other blogs, but this brings it home. I am ready to let those who I trust in. That being said, it's imperative that i know that it's okay not to let everyone in. There have been a few people that I have allowed close, and please know that you have helped me in opening up. There's the occasional person that i cannot fool with my mirage, and I am thankful, because that is in essence one reason why I had this realization.

I think the mirage has a lot to do with the fact that I've been doing this for years, and it's become easy. Not knowing who i was also feeds into this. Knowing who I am and understanding me is so empowering.

It brings me to the Pink song "Love Song". Yet again, this song just hits me...

I would rather bleed with cuts of love than live without any scars.

I am to the point that I can say that with complete certainty and it feels amazing!