So many thoughts...

on trust and believing in myself...

I was thinking about one beautiful song that has now been fulfilled within me...

One of these days I'm gonna love me
And feel the joy of sweet release
One of these days I'll rise above me
And at last I'll find some peace
And then I'm gonna smile a little
And maybe even laugh a little
But one of these days...
I'm gonna love me

When i realized years ago that this needed to happen, that I needed to love myself, i had no idea where this journey would take me. I am so thankful for all that I am learning. I love me. That's a wonderful, peaceful feeling....

I also want to talk a bit about trust... Trusting in other people is something I have had a tendency to do. My whole realm of thinking in this has been skewed. I have certain ideals that i expect others to fulfil, which are pretty extensive, to be truthful. And then, if (when) someone steps out of what one expects, they have let us down...

So i am working on obliterating the ideal of trusting others from my brain, and trusting in myself and allowing others to be who they are, while allowing me to be who I am. It's going well so far, and pretty exciting, actually...

The idea of trusting others is actually one key ingredient that has caused past failure in previous relationships in my life...

It's amazing all of the changes that are transpiring...

Some thoughts...

So I have been thinking.... So much to process and so much change. But change is good. I am feeling so much better about me. I am so thankful for everyone in my life. I am continuing to work on control of my feelings, thoughts and my attitude. I am also realizing how being humble and peacefulness are connected. I am amazing. I can say that with feeling and with confidence. This has taken me so long. My mistakes do not define me. I have learned from them, and I have become more of who I want to me, more of who I feel that God wants me to be.

I recently realized that I have unrealistic expectations. They actually stem from unreasonable expectations of myself. And then I seem to think that everyone should follow them. Much improvement has been made in this. I don't have to be so intense. It is fine to just let go and let things flow in all facets of life. And to realize that others' actions are not indicative of my worth. That is where so much of my pain and hurt that has resulted from friendships and relationships with many people, really. i have thought in the past that if people didn't spend time with me or acknowledged me, i was worthless. This was the same way in regards to my accomplishments as well. they seemed futile if others didn't notice. I can do so many wonderful things and I have that no one has noticed. i have pride in those things, and i will continue to have that pride!

It's a great deal to change, but i *know* that I can do this.

In the past, I have always wanted a man to save me. i didn't think i did, but i did want that. Do i now? No. I have a man who is walking beside me as I find my way. He is there to help me dust off my knees when I fall. i just know he is near. I appreciate his strength more than i could ever imagine.

It's amazing that the more I work on, and the more peace I work on having, the more I realize that i have so much to be thankful for.

My life is not a punishment, it's a blessing. I used to think that God was always mad at how badly i was doing. i know that he is very proud of me. I may not always do what is right, but He loves me very much. It reminds me of that song, "Touch of the Master's hand". i love that song so much, and I know that I am worth so much more with God's love and that acknowledgment within me.


So i have so many things to work on, but I have made so much improvement. I can do this. i am so confident. i know i may fail, but true failure is not falling, it's not getting back up.

Life is good 80)

Knitting

So I've fallen in love with knitting... more than crocheting.I know, tis shocking...

So recent finished projects....

A grey shirt for me. I followed the pattern, but i soon realized it would be too low, so I adapted it. And it was more of a crop top for my build... so i'm in process of adding a crocheted band.

Slippers galore 80)

wips (works in progress) and to dos

crochet edging for above grey shirt

pink dishcloth

2 pairs of slippers (in process of finding the perfect patterns for my boys 80)

the project of insanity -- a blanket...

a baby afghan

Gryffindor scarf

friend's shirt...


so this all will keep me busy for a few weeks. Hahaha...

Guinevere part 2

So I've been thinking more on this song. I heard it again yesterday, and i didn't mention another line that hits me.

"For as much as she stumbles, she's running.
For as much as she's gone, she's still here. '

This has described me in the past, and I must admit still describes a portion of me.

There's a portion of me that I keep so far away. It goes back to the mirage...

i'm getting better at this, in part due to selectiveness in who I allow close to me...

I am so thankful for my thoughts and for the peace that comes with pensiveness 80D

Guinevere

so i'm writing this on lunch on my cell, so i'll proofread and correct later.

for those that listen to country music, you may know a song called guinevere by the Eli Young Band.

Songs in general are subjective and they mean something different to everyone. this reminds me of who i used to be, not letting love in. not forgiving... and truly thats the key to love and peace - forgiveness.


'she says forgiveness aint nothing but a lifeless tire on the shoulder of her road that never rolls.'


i heard this song shortly after someone challenged me to forgive and let go. i cried so hard. the peace that comes with forgiveness, with being ok with the unknown is so amazing. ive forgiven but not like this...

This song talks about how this girl let one person in, he broke her heart and so no one gets to stay. I was that girl for quite some time... The walls that i have built around me have fallen to a degree. i'm still careful, which is necessary... but it's a step 80)

i have had issues trusting in dating relationships. trust is so imprtant... i'm ok with walking this road....


i am so grateful for the lessons i have learned in life. and i am thankful for those in my life...

Responsibility and control

I have been thinking a great deal on this. This will be a quick blog and I may come back and polish it.

"Sometimes I get nervous when I see an open door. Close your eyes, clear your heart. Cut the cord. " -- Human by the Killers

When i recently heard this song again, this line stuck out at me. I realized this is what I had to do.

Sometimes, I have been frozen with fear. I've spoken of it before. In the past, I haven't taken responsibility for many of my actions, and I see now that it's imperative to growth.

I take responsibility for what I've done, for who I am. But the other side of this, is i take responsibility for others' mistakes too, and this is ceasing now.

I am responsible for me and my two awesome sons. I have learned so much in my life, and I see how much i have to teach to my children, especially.

I am so very proud of them. They helped teach me how to live. There are so many people who are amazing and I am so thankful for the people that come into my life, if even for a moment.

There are so many things we don't have control over, but one of the most important facets is we have control over our attitudes. 80)

thoughts on peace

So many thoughts have recently come to me in regards to peace.

I am so peaceful in where I am regarding life. It's not what life brings to us, it's what we bring to life -- a simple yet eloquent thought that first hit me when I watched Anne of green gables: the continuing story (it is *not* anne of avonlea -- nothing like the book, but I digress.) Another reason this first hit me in this movie is that I am a romantic. I used to be moreso, but my romanticism is now mixed with a good deal of reality or cynicism... depending on one's definition 80)

I am also learning about walking the fine line that is learning from the past without dwelling in it. The past has taught me so much. This life in general is meant for that, to learn and grow. And i am so amazed at the person I've become -- am becoming 80)

i am so thankful for my life, for the people in it, for God's work in and through me.

Thank you all for rolling with me 80) (think Montgomery Gentry's roll with me 80))