Forever and The Walk

Forever and ever is such a long time, Pooh. Forever's not long at all when I'm with you. - Winnie the Pooh and Christopher Robbin.

I may have to finish this tomorrow, because my sleeping pill is kicking in 8D.

I've been thinking about reasons why this hit me so hard in this last breakup...

1. I didn't love me, so I lost my compass and my way for a small amount of time, as it were.
2. I have said forever 3 times, and been told forever 4 times in regards to me and someone else... It's not something that frequently comes up... I think that's because I have made some poor choices in men, and that was something we knew wasn't in the cards... 2 i ended up marrying, one was this one, and one that told me was an engagement that I knew wouldn't end well, so I broke it off.
3. my idealization of men and relationships had me off-balance
4. i was completely wrong and am building up a new idea in regards to how relationships should be and affect me -- especially in regards to being enough. I am enough on my own. I don't need a man to identify my self worth.. Unfortunately, this is what I was told, and I believed it. Now I get to change it, yay! 8D.

"Doesn't anybody ever stay together anymore? And if Love never lasts forever.Then What's forever for? " Michael Martin Murphy.

Forever is different in everyone's eyes. Up until this point, I saw forever as this always elusive promise that never quite manifested in completeness for me...

Now my concept of forever is more of a goal than a promise. It is the hope to continue a relationship indefinitely and moving towards that. But if things happen or incompatibility is present, then you adapt...


In relationships, imagine as if we're walking along. Our destinations are different depending on the person we're walking with. We may walk fast or slow, and we may only walk for a short time with them. Life is made of meetings and partings, that is the way of it (Kermit the Frog (Bob Cratchit) in The Muppet Christmas Carol). We must enjoy the scenery and the walk itself, or we miss the entire thing by daydreaming or living in the future, which is my tendency. I want to learn to enjoy the scenery and I am. It's not easy, but I can do this 8). Conversely, as I was running this by a friend, he mentioned that also the stride can change in the course of a relationship as well as turning a corner as a relationship changes its' course and its' stride. A perfect example is when a relationship goes from romantic to friendship or vice versa.

Kasey Chambers 8/15 at the Kessler

So I went to my very first Kasey Chambers concert... I loved it so much. She was amazing. I haven't been to a concert that small, so it was a new experience for me. It was about 200 people at most. They didn't even introduce her or the opening act onto the stage. They both just talked and talked, like we were in their living room. Kasey is from Australia, and her mom was caring for her 9 month old daughter during the show, and her mom sold her cds following the show... Her dad performed in her band, so it truly is a family thing. 8D. The opening act was Gabriel Kelley, and I was very impressed with him. I bought his cd and he autographed it for me 8). he plays guitar, plays harmonica and sings 8).

Kasey sang some of my favorite songs of hers... I want to go into some of her songs specifically in another post. She is a great story teller...

She also named her middle child after Arlo Guthrie. How cool is that? 8D.

I will definitely see her again as much as I can. She was absolutely phenomenal...

I really liked the Kessler theater. I haven't been there before. I hadn't been to Oak Cliff in quite some time though.

To give a little background, Kasey is a singer/ songwriter, about my age, from Australia. When she was 3 weeks old, she and her family moved into their car, because her dad decided to be a fox hunter across the Australian outback. She sings a lot of songs about that. Every night, they sang around a campfire, and that's where she gets some of her country roots from 8).

so my thoughts on marriage

I have had a love/hate relationship with the above entity... I'm still sorting out a lot, but here goes...

My thoughts on marriage are completely f-ed up beyond all recognition. They just are. So here is what I am starting to believe...

I have been taught that to be happy, to be considered loved by God, I need a man. That's complete bullshit. I know, I just cussed. God loves me for me. My worth is not based on another person. That's a good feeling.

So, what is marriage to me? I'm not sure, right now... Paying less taxes comes to mind... But that's about all.

I have run quite a few people off by my seriousness in regards to how I used to view marriage. It is what it is... I now see that I wasn't ready for a relationship, in a lot of ways. I'm still healing, and I will get there someday...

I am to the point that I still want a long term relationship, when I'm ready. That is my ultimate goal for dating...  (not ready to date for awhile, but wanna get everything hammered out in my brain) And that's good, that's healthy. But my focus is now to change some thoughts...

I want to seek a relationship that's open-ended. the option of carrying on inevitably, but knowing that life changes and love changes and we take it one day at a time... It's not a contract, it's not binding, it's just life 8)

I am now open to the idea of living with a man (after quite some time of dating...). I used to talk about living together, but I was mortified of it. I felt that marriage would soon follow, and then I would freak.

Marriage, when I get married, if i get married again, I will be ready. I will take my time... I can't foresee getting married quickly at all... especially now that I know my entire reason for wanting to get married. ... Just gotta go with what I feel is right... Just trust my gut 8)

mixed feelings and my goal

I went to the concert last night and it was amaaaazing. I will definitely post about it. It was probably my favorite concert ever. Kasey Chambers put on one heck of a show. There were about 250 ppl there, so it was quite small, and everyone was super nice... The Kessler Theater in Oak Cliff was reeeeally cool... I will say that I haven't been through that part of town in some time though. I didn't get lost though, which is usually something that brings me anger pretty quickly but I didn't have to deal with that.


No, I got angry at someone else, me and God... 8( And my poor best friend had to listen to me beat myself and God up, all because I have an insanely crazy idea that Ive been taught since I could talk... I'm working on how to get rid of that idea, and i know that God and I can do it together... It involves how I perceive relationships and Christianity... It's quite strange, and you will definitely think I've cracked when I tell you... But it's something I must address, but not now.


I look at relationships as an end to a means, but way too early, especially in the most recent failure... There's much more into this, but i'm not ready to share.

Plus, the boys and I lost something else that we must rectify, a larger family. It was promised we could go to holidays and such. I want this more than I can breathe... And we had it, briefly. I have trouble reconciling the loss of that... My friend told me I need to stop feeling sorry for myself in this... Maybe volunteering at a soup kitchen on holidays or something? Especially when I'm alone, we need to make our own family. And in that, I can feel better about receiving the single woman pity invite from friends. I feel like God doesn't love me until I get my own family... and i know that's wrong... My whole concept of God in this is wrong... I know that, but unfortunately it will take awhile to reconcile.

That's all I can write right now... I know that I expected too much of myself. All i was building feels like it was crashing down. I feel that's because I lost sight of my goal... So here it is

My goal is to love myself and to be kind and loving to me. My goal is to open my heart and love me with the complete love I have futilely attempted to unleash on certain members of the opposite sex. My goal is to then love my children stronger since I will have that ability. My goal is to do this not to do this to find a man... My goal is to do this in order to glorify God and my goal is to love God with all my heart.


I don't feel this goal. I need to, and I will someday 8)

love is strange... and things I know

I really don't understand love... I've loved harder in the last relationship than I ever have... I'm not too sure how to stop it. I know prayer, peace and healing are in order. I also don't quit loving easily. People talk about falling out of love with someone and generally *a lot* had to be done for that to transpire in me, i mean a whole lot (like being told that I'm a complete bitch and my mom shouldn't have bothered having me, that type of stuff). So I still don't understand how he fell out of love with me... And my little brain keeps trying to wrap my mind around it, as I am an intellectual. But I think I understand him a bit more... A song came on. I can't begin to say it's how he feels, but from what he has described, I think so. I can't rehash it in my mind. I can't keep reliving it. I need to move on as he has.


 I know I will love again.

I know that the chances that he will come back is futile to wish for at this point.

I know that I am worthy of that strength of love that I gave him. I should give that to myself 8). I'm working on that...

I know that I have had massive errors in thinking in regards to love, in many different ways.This will take awhile, and a good bit of blogging, id wager...

I know that other men will want me, and I will be a catch, regardless of my baggage, though it will be lessened by then, as I am healing me, especially in the geeky circles.

I know that I need to work on my fear of abandonment, my anger and my fears in general.

I know that I am well on my way to becoming who I long to be and I am happier now than I have been in so long.

I know that I am so blessed and loved by God.

I know that I am so very blessed to have so many beautiful people in my life.

I know that I will succeed in whatever I set my mind to.

The concept of "The One"

For a long time, I haven't believed in the concept of "The one" until I met my most recent boyfriend, then I believed in it for a time, and now I am back to not believing in it. I believe many relationships can work if both are willing to actively work at it for the ultimate chance of survival. Making it work is hard, no matter how well-matched... Working together is essential and makes it easier... I'm realizing in talking relationships with people that some relationships seem easy because one is really laid-back etc... Now I'm realizing how hard making it work can be... Everyone must compromise, and yes some slight changes occur. In my past, I have attempted to change to the point of breaking me... That won't happen again... First, I have to truly find me for the first time and I'm almost there. Woooot 8D.

But I no longer believe in "The one" again... I think there are numerous options... Several options could have worked in my life had we truly worked it out or had both of us chosen to try, really try. 

My concept of a relationship in my brain has been so skewed to the point of oblivion. I wanted to be in love in a movie, as the Sleepless quote goes... I think many people have a skewed sense of love... I have so many weird thoughts when it comes to it... I need to list what I think a healthy relationship is... This may change and some of this may be wrong, but I just need to let it develop 8D

constantly changing... it's a roller coaster and it's uncontrollable.

leaving can't be a readily available option -- this one I'm good at, too good in a sense...

both parties are willing to grow and learn and help the other... it's not one-sided

compassion and kindness

give and take

the ability to be yourself with the other person, that comfort level 8)

hard moments

I guess it's been a month since we broke up... I know I've changed a lot, but I have had some trouble the past few days. I'm overwhelmed... I feel like I've tried to learn so much, and I think it was too much at once. I have so many coping skills, and in one moment, I forgot many of them... I think that the point is to get back up...Keep on pressing on...

I'm way too controlling... I don't want to be this way. I realized it today in one friendship that I do a passive technique by saying something that I know people will respond to in order to get a response back. I didn't even think about it until later. I do this a lot more than I've ever thought until now... The good thing is I figured it out and can learn to fix it... Whether someone responds or not does not dictate my self-worth or whether they care. there are maaaany elements to it. I must be mindful of this. They will contact me back when they can. I need to let them be them and me be me. I know I'm on the right track in this 8D. It's a good feeling.

All of these things will take time, and I have expected waaaay too much of myself. I can do this and I just need to have a peaceful heart and learn more and do this. I know I can.