Good Grief

I decided to be a bit punny about a serious subject... grief. What I have come to over the years in words that I can now formulate... Death is a part of life... It's not a bad thing. We can look at it in a peaceful way...

Ecclesiastes 3:1-2 -- "There is a time for everything, and everything on earth has its special season. There is a time to be born and a time to die."

Zephaniah 3:17 -- The Lord your God is with you. He is mighty to save. He will rejoice over you. You will rest in his love; he will sing and be joyful about you.

I have spoken with my dear friend, M. a great deal this week. She keeps telling me "Live in the moment." Very good advice. I have a tendency to do otherwise.

The peace on a daily basis that I'm acquiring (via God of course 8D) is helping me a great deal through this and through my whole life.

God is so good and he gives us so much. I am so completely blessed and that brings me tears of joy.

Grief can be good. It can be healing. It can also be crippling if you allow it to make you angry for years, as I have done. Grief has helped me in ways, and it can be good.

I am also seeing that I need people around that understand how I grieve and what I need is to hear that I will be ok, that I am strong, that they can hold me and help me in simple ways such as bringing me food or just talking to me. I have had such support in this. Thank you all so much 8D

Sad

My heart aches for my friend and her young daughters. He was so young. As I watched my friend hurt,, I kept thinking of all the times I have been told that death and divorce are similar... Death is so much worse...

My sons are being so sweet. Tristan even offered that I could watch Pride and Prejudice... 8D. Wow, that is a sacrifice... We're talking the 6 hour version...

In regards to relationships, J, the most recent boyfriend is out of my life at this time. I know its for the best. He knows what's happening with my friend, and he's not here... I told another exboyfriend and he was all concerned and asking questions, etc. It's ironic that P apologized last week... That's the one from years ago... I say this because the breakup with P and J are similar in ways... And there were times with P that it was obvious he didn't feel he should help, etc... though i was much more needy at the time... Now, my neediness is now and then, but my support system is strong this time... The boys are helping me so much this weekend, my sister is concerned, and I have some friends that are listening to me so that I can be strong for my dear friend...  Also, I have started emailing with someone... and he is listening to me, and helping to cheer me up. That is very kind of him... I realize what I need from J is something he can't or wont give...

From the perspective I'm at now, it's easy to see that P never was really that into me, though I think he once cared to a point... I think I will someday feel the same way about J. and that is good... I hesitate to use the J initial since there are so many ppl that have been and are in my life with the J initial... and some that have the name Jay... but I don't mean my dear friend Jay... She is awesome and she is so helpful... I am so appreciative of that 8D.

My coping skills and meditating skills helped so much in this situation. I am so thankful for these tools, so I can be a more effective friend... and i'll just get better 8D.

8(

I come to you this evening with a heavy heart. My best friend's husband passed away today. I'm so saddened by this. I feel guilty as well, because for so long, I have had a chip on my shoulder... So many people have it harder than me. I am so concerned for my dear friend and for her children. If you could take a moment to pray for them, it would be appreciated. Thank you.

Things that make you go

Wth!

So a few things...

I told someone yesterday that I was feeling defensive and he promptly said that we shouldnt speak to each other again. This is the third (second with him) time that has happened. Is it a control thing? Do they want to be the one to step back? I wrote it both times, so maybe they didn't understand? I needed a break for a few hours... That shouldn't be difficult to understand, but I guess it is.. C was the other one who did this months back... I just don't get it, but honestly if they don't want to give me a moment so I don't get defensive, then it's for the best that they are out of my life... They make it easy, and that's nice 8D.


So brings me to another thing. I suddenly get a message from an ex boyfriend from years and years back saying he was sorry. I forgave him long ago... But honestly, the biggest thing I feel right now is relief. He really wasn't the right one for me. I keep hearing unanswered prayers by garth brooks in my head... kinda cool... Just so odd...

Thoughts on Spirituality...

Here I go again being to dogmatic in my spirituality, just the way I don't wanna be.

So here are some ideas and basic foundational thoughts.

I believe in God.
I believe in Jesus.
I believe in peace.
I believe in God's will -- free will is something I'm still wondering about... I will pray and meditate on this...

I believe I need to get back to the basics and focus on God... His will re my future will come to light when He is ready to show me.

I believe that God is love and his way of punishment is *not* pain. We sometimes must go through pain though... Let me explain. When I was young, I was in a religion that was very restrictive. I then went to another religion that felt that if we had any sickness or anything wrong in life, we were in the wrong and somehow disobeying God. I have not realized until now how much this is still shaping my mindset, especially when I'm reeling...

So much of my religious experience makes it seem like God is so black and white. I know that's not the case, and this is something I want to build on and fix... That will be a huge goal in the spirituality department...

That and increasing my intuition. I should follow it more.. It has proved smart to do so in my past...

just a mishmash in my brain -- mainly relationships

So re timelines -- I have one in my head. Actually, I have quite a few in my head... I am working on veering away from these in order to live in the grey in a better way...

I have views on relationships, how it should be, etc... It's exhausting... I'm giving these all over to God this instant... I will work on continuing to do so...

So, I have mentioned getting feelings from time to time. I felt like a possible option would come my way in these recent weeks. I realize now that was C.... and I said no to him. I am very proud of that... He actually is the only one I've said no to in quite some time, especially this time that he wanted more of a standard foundation... But I declined in that I don't want him, and that's ok... There are many reasons for this...

Generally, when I put myself back on the dating scene, I do so full-force... I guess I have the tendency to do that with relationships... But in a convo with a friend today, I realized that I need to look at my goals and make sure my ideals are realistic. we didn't even talk about this head-on as it were, but from things that were said, my brain went there... and that's not a bad thing... But I don't want to go full-force. not only is it exhausting, I think patience is better. i'm not good at patience... Can you tell? 8D.

I need to take my time... Don't rush in... And I don't have to take the first option presented to me. It's ok to say no, to listen to my intuition... I know deep down that it is better to be alone than in a bad relationship. This last week, I have frequently wondered if I should have said yes to C. those that know the situation will be like "noooooooooooooooooooooo" and you would be right... but there are those days that I wonder... especially those days I'm attempting to convince myself that I'm doing a good job on my own. I am, but I don't always feel that way.

I also have thought a great deal about all of this in reading on my personality type, INFJ. We tend to jump into relationships, even if they're wrong for us. We don't like to be alone... I'm getting better at being alone, but it's still tough...  And I really want my relationships to be meaningful. Not all dates have to turn into boyfriends, and they haven't, but I just need to keep focused on that... 8D.

I feel better, thanks for listening, dear reader 8D

still aching...

Some days, the heartache is more than it has been for the last several months... I know I will get over the exboyfriend from several months ago... In reading my book, I'm seeing why it's so tough...

Active runners promise so much, say I love you quickly, desire to integrate you into their life quickly, etc. I have learned to slow down in this... If someone isn't respectful of me being a bit slower into this, then they don't respect me and it's a moot point anyway. He begged to meet my sons, and like the idiot that i can be, I let them meet twice i really thought he was here for good. My oldest, who falls in love with no one but a very distinguished list, fell in love with him. The first weekend after the breakup, he and i hugged and cried together. He sobbed and said, "I thought he was the one." i broke my son's heart and I still haven't forgiven myself... What was harder, is my oldest son kept saying that he would come back. He's stopped with that and that's just as painful... He's given up on him. They only met twice and I am glad for that, but I will be muuuuch more careful in the future with that. I will refuse to even discuss a meeting until after 6 months or maybe a year after dating... I think that's safer.

active runners also have the tendency to cheat and end relationships that way. I'm so glad he didn't do so with me. that would ache more.


I'm so weary and so tired of being single. I know i can do anything that a man can do and the boys help me with a lot... We joke that the only thing we need a man for is opening up coconut oil bottles. Those are tough little boogers 8D. of course, i miss the adult companionship in more ways than one, but I would never tell them that...

active runners are all in from the very beginning. as soon as they see that they've won someone's heart, they generally subconsciously, start running for the door very quickly. I now see a lot of examples from my life and I know more what to avoid. i know how to be more active for my part and what thought processes to avoid, to avoid fantasy, etc.

And when there is a breakup, active runners make allll sorts of excuses to prevent the reconciliation or they reconcile and break up...  (on again/off again). yes, it's possible that the active runner will come back...

I am looking for love elsewhere. I have to open up my heart and know that he may never come back around romantically. i actively am working on my feelings to be where i need to be and i would expect anyone i'm with to do the same...