Time

Time is an amazing healer, though its' speed can be faster than I ever thought possible. It seemed pretty darn slow at the time, though 8)

I just read different posts of this blog, going back to the beginning.  Dear reader, if you have been with me from earlier on, you probably saw a young woman in a great deal of emotional pain. I hope you saw hope and her desire to continue forward. I love this about the girl who writes these words. Changing and becoming better and evolving into a better person is an ever-present desire for me. The pain I still work through can be overwhelming, but it's so much easier. Some days are completely harder than others... The secret I now realize, everyone has bad days... I am so hard on myself sometimes...

It's ok that I am a bit late to grow, I'm just thankful I am growing.

I have forgotten how freeing and wonderful blogging can be... It's a good way to get some thoughts out, and for that I am glad 8)

I have also forgotten how important music is to me! As I listen to 'Homeward Bound' by Simon and Garfunkel, my heart is transported somewhere else. There is beauty in that. 8)

It's so beautiful when I see Spirit helping me stitch my life together, my heart, my thoughts.

Sometimes, when my medical issues prevent simple mobility, I think of God carrying me and holding me and helping me through each moment. Something that something simple is so healing to me. It gives me hope and makes me feel loved. And I know I am very loved 8)

An amazing song about autism

My 2 oldest sons have autism. They were diagnosed at 2 and I felt so guilty. Some family members even asked me what I did wrong, but most extended family members just avoided me. I was not at a very good place, coping wise, so it was not an easy time. It's easy to blame myself sometimes. I feel like I could have done so much more. 

The other day, I was reading about Allison Moorer's son and the song she wrote about Autism called, "Mama let the wolf in". This song really spoke to me, it gives words to the tangled emotions I feel about autism sometimes. My boys are amazing and work so hard to be who they are. I am so blessed to have them 8)

Mama Let the Wolf In

Written by Allison Moorer and Jeffrey Steele. Produced by Kenny Greenberg. Released by Entertainment One U.S. in March, 2015.

Baby I’m sorry, I didn’t see him coming
He was just around the corner, now he’s got us running’
We could hide in a closet, But I know he’s gonna find us
Cause I’ll forget to lock it and shut out the beast behind us

Mama let the wolf in, mama let the wolf in, Mama let the wolf in
Oh no, oh no

But little bit of bad luck, lord knows we didn’t want it
A little bitty short straw had our names written on it
He coulda gone next door to pillage and plunder
But he don’t ask permission, big bad mother fucker

Mama let the wolf in, mama let the wolf in, Mama let the wolf in
Oh no, oh no

Run baby run baby run bay run away
You’re the one he’s got and I’d do anything to take his place
I shot a silver bullet but now there’s nothing to do but pray
Pray pray pray pray pray

Cause, Mama let the wolf in, mama let the wolf in, Mama let the wolf in
Oh, Mama let the wolf in, mama let the wolf in, Mama let the wolf in
Oh no, oh no

Oh, baby I’m sorry,
Oh, baby I’m sorry,
Oh, baby I’m sorry,
Oh-no.

Checking in, Anne Lamott, and a healthy reminder 8D

My husband and I are working more adamantly on our health and our health blog.

Please feel free to visit us over at

http://ahealthierwe.blogspot.com/

It's time to change. I have to be more serious about my health and Dave is feeling the same, so it's a bit easier to go on this journey together.

It's been quite some time since I have blogged regularly here... In a lot of ways, that makes me sad. I miss this. I miss typing all of my little thoughts... Most of my postings have made it into my private diary as of late... But this part of it is important too.

Healing and learning is always a part of my life. Sometimes, it may seem I am growing less than others, but it seems there's always something I am working on.

I have had some setbacks. With epilepsy, I am a different person now. I have to relearn some fairly simple coping techniques, but in a way, life is always a place to learn. We get better, and sometimes we learn and relearn, and every time, there is a purpose.

One writer who fills my heart with reality, hope, and laughter is Anne Lamott. She amazes me. She strengthens me with her honesty. I have read books now and then of hers for the last 13 years or so. Books find me here and there... And somehow I forget about meaningful books, but it's a cycle, I think. Books come to us when it's time... My way of picking out books is as follows. If I'm needing a self help book or encouragement, I pray, and the right book just seems to pop into my head or I am lead to it. A very beautiful thing... 8D.

Here is a beautiful article to just show you a bit of what she shares.

http://www.salon.com/2015/04/10/anne_lamott_shares_all_that_she_knows_everyone_is_screwed_up_broken_clingy_and_scared/

I am still working on feeling better, and unfortunately I am unable to work outside of the home at this time. I am very sad about this, but life does change and I am working on making the best of it. I am spending a lot of time with my children and I have missed that so much. I try to find the good in everything, it just takes me awhile sometimes 8)

Thinking out Loud by Ed Sheeran

A friend posted the lyrics of this song on facebook and I cried... I love this song. the first two lines mean the world to me... Not really familiar with many Ed Sheeran songs (i know who he is, but couldn't tell you the songs he sings...) This song means so much. We are human. My left leg is very picky. It likes to work when it feels like it 8D. Just a lot of weakness on my left side and that makes walking a tough endeavor at times... It's hard, hard to be more dependant, to change so much in routine and to work that much harder to stay positive. There is so much beauty in being open as we walk our journeys... And allowing those to carry us when we need it 8) Life is good 8D

"Thinking Out Loud"

When your legs don't work like they used to before
And I can't sweep you off of your feet
Will your mouth still remember the taste of my love?
Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks?

And, darling, I will be loving you 'til we're 70
And, baby, my heart could still fall as hard at 23
And I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways
Maybe just the touch of a hand
Well, me—I fall in love with you every single day
And I just wanna tell you I am

So honey now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
I'm thinking out loud
That maybe we found love right where we are

When my hair's all but gone and my memory fades
And the crowds don't remember my name
When my hands don't play the strings the same way
I know you will still love me the same

'Cause honey your soul could never grow old, it's evergreen
And, baby, your smile's forever in my mind and memory
I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways
Maybe it's all part of a plan
Well, I'll just keep on making the same mistakes
Hoping that you'll understand

But, baby, now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
Thinking out loud
That maybe we found love right where we are

So, baby, now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Oh, darling, place your head on my beating heart
I'm thinking out loud
That maybe we found love right where we are
Oh, baby, we found love right where we are
And we found love right where we are

Yaaaawn

I am sleepy... Unfortunately, I have an upper respiratory thing again (again, ugh), so therefore I'm awake... Coughing quite a bit, but at least I'm getting exercise 8D. Throwing a lot of remidies at it, and hopefully I will feel better soon... Hopefully, it doesn't take over everyone in the household.

Besides being sleep deprived, I know there is so much to be thankful for. As so much pain and evil bombards us, I feel there is so much good, so much love, so much kindness. There is peace in that 8D.

I have so many craft projects still on my radar. Oh my goodness, so many... It's rather sad, I am much slower at crocheting and knitting. my left hand is so weak sometimes, so it lacks strength to do crafts for very long... I enjoy what I can do, as long as I don't worry about my long list...

To all who are reading this, I'm sending love and light your way. I hope all is well. I hope all will be well. Be well.

Pity party averted -- survival guide

I was about to get out the streamers and the confetti and even the big pity party sign (i only pull that one out on special occasions 8)), but I prayed.. Prayed on what to do, what to work on, where to go. I often do this. I try to (not enough) ask what I should work on next. God (in Spirit, or the Spirit, or positive helpers, sometimes all) will nudge me... or just life will. It can be something that exercises what i need to work on or something happens that shows me (sometimes in a tough way) that I have something I need to do, whether it be to forgive, to let certain thoughts go, to be open-minded, to just be, to work on something specific... It happens gently and usually it happens quickly... If i ask, "What do I need to do to help my growth?" I hear about a book or Anne Lamott (or Elizabeth Gilbert or Brave Girls Club or Trent Reznor 8), etc) write something so prolific, I know I must act. I know I must think on that morsel. It can be something I have read so many times, but it's for that one moment, it transforms my path into something completely different. These down times can feel so lonely and terrible, but in those times, we find peace and we grow. The world looks different, my burden seems lighter, and I see ways to make it even lighter than it is now. I am working on that... I can find ways to make my life (even somewhat) better. I got down because I am not able to do as much as I feel I need to do or want to do. We are learning to prioritize but it takes time and practice 8).

So here is a survival guide: If you are down, some options are to:

1. Pray, think, meditate, just be, yoga, just rest for a moment to be, etc.
2. find 5 things you are thankful for.
3. in every moment, even if it's hard, find the bright side out of it.
4. We all need to cry, talk things out, etc. It's good to do these things, It just can be hard to get out after days and weeks, etc. I try to set myself a time. 1 minute of being angry, then I have to get myself back to calm. I can do so again, it just helps to know you can get back... So many times, calm feels better and I can understand the situation more. Journals are tremendous. Live journal is great in that you can make posts just to yourself. I treat that like a personal journal sometimes as it has an app as well.
5. do something you love, read, paint, write, whatnot.
6. hug a child, hug a family member.
7. list 5 reasons you love the person you're looking at, even if you're looking in the mirror.

i know i will think of more...

Be well. Peace, love and light... until next time

Shaken but somewhat stirred

I'm noticing something I'm really working on. I don't mean to babble and overwhelm. I'm really working on figuring where I am and how i can help every relationship in my life. I am different, and I don't know how to make myself the same as before. I am finally getting ok with not being the same. I am beautiful none the less. 

My brain works slower and I feel i make way too many mistakes socially, but I think this was always me. I'm working so hard to exercise that I am me and I do my best. Accept me or dont. I got better at that and I will get better again. 

I am so sorry I am not always considerate. I am so sorry I don't remember things and I can be cranky. I feel so blank, so strange. Some days can really be rough. Some days are better. What I know is there are ways to make me better. What I know is there are ways to heal my heart and soul and thus my body. Meditation helps, but it is overwhelming at times. I feel like I'm trying to hold back the Mississippi river with a toothpick. My anger seems never ending and I think so much of it is I'm afraid. I'm afraid that person over there is going to laugh at me. I'm afraid this disease will get worse and sometimes I get afraid this disease could take my life (im at a high risk for SUDEP - sudden death in epilepsy.) Im working on not being afraid, but being at peace and in a healing place. I get too cranky sometimes and I'm working so hard to be better. 

Healing is from the inside out and sometimes i have to be so strong because I'm so weak.