 | Current mood:  peaceful Category: Writing and Poetry As I gaze upon the path before me, I realize the depth of my decision. I peer at the challenges laid out before me. I ponder at what my life is to be. The decision I make may not make logical sense to all. It makes logical sense to me. And it is the decision that God has led me to. I call it the first decision of the rest of my life. My heart pounds as I look into the glory that is my Creator. I say the words I feel led to say. My heart beats with anticipation for the commitment I am making. I realize that my life will never be the same, only better. I look at the girl in the mirror and I see that the Lord has given her such beauty, Such strength and so many blessings to go forward in this life. There are trials and there are struggles, But this girl will make it through. My Lord, who is holding me up, is here and is with me as I declare my decision. I am a new creation. |
Thursday, August 20, 2009
The Decision -- Written 7/26/2007
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Fear
Fear
I have a great deal of thoughts on this subject, as fear is an emotion that has riddled my life for a great deal of it.
I am going to ramble a bit and quote quite a few different sources in order to get my point across.
I realize now how much I have allowed fear to run my life. I have realized this for some time, and have been working on this for quite awhile, but I have recently had some huge breakthroughs that are already showing me how much peace I am able to obtain. I have a feeling this is just the beginning 80).
For many years, I have been afraid to let people in. Some people that I have let in, I only let them in so much. I am speaking of family, friends, and even God. This entire post does not focus on anyone in particular, but everyone that I am privileged to know. I put myself in a glass booth, and then wonder where everyone is. I realized that it's because I am afraid.
"Where God's love is, there is no fear, because perfect love drives out fear. It is punishment that makes a person fear, so love is not made perfect in the person who fears." I John 4:18
This verse brings me peace. I don't want to fear.
This verse also reminds me of Star Wars (remember -- Desultory randomness is the name of this blog - hehe).
Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering. Star Wars Episode 1
The fear of loss is a path to the Dark Side. -- Star Wars Episode 3
The fear of loss has scared me to the point of being frozen. I have been afraid that anyone that would enter my life would leave it. The truth is that they may. But I am so blessed for the time that I spent with them, no matter how long. Every friendship can and does teach me something and in so many ways, I am better for it.
This reminds me of the song "You move me" by Susan Ashton. Garth later covered it with her on background vocals.
Frozen solid with fear
Like a rock in the ground
But you move me
You give me courage I didn’t
know I had
You move me
I can’t go with you
And stay where I am
So you move me
I realize this song is about God or relationships, whichever way you might want to look at it. I have felt this way, frozen where I am at. Truly, there have been so many people that have moved me. The ultimate one is Heavenly Father. Then there are those that He has placed in my life that move me. A few that i place in this category might be surprised, but I am forever thankful for them and the ability to even know them.
Yoda speaks of fear in the above quotes. I feel that fear is negative energy that turns to anger, pain and woe. I feel this is why the Jedi Code forbids the attachment of love. Love can lead to that fear of loss.
Fear of loss -- something that I have wrestled with on many occasions. I recently had the realization that I was mad at Heavenly Father, because of all of the loss I have had in my life. I realize that it's not his fault at all. Loss happens in so many aspects, whether by death or divorce or paths of those we care for only paralleling ours for a time.
This was the major breakthrough in forgiveness, and now I feel so much freer and lighter.
This brings me to a song by Pink. In this song, I realize that she is speaking of romantic relationships, but I feel that this can be paralleled to all relationships and all sorts of types of love, whether it be family, friends, God, or a romantic involvement.
There's this well of emotions
I feel I must protect
But what's the point of this armor
If it keeps the love away, too?
I'd rather bleed with cuts of love
Than live without any scars
(Love Song by Pink)
I had been in a place for months where I didn't feel. that had lasted for months and months and even years. Actually in many facets of my life, I would say it has lasted for many years. This wall that I have built has kept so many chances for close friends from coming to fruition. I would say that I now have a bigger and stronger support system than I have had in years. When I heard that part of Love song, I got chills and realized that this is exactly what I was doing. I was attempting not to get hurt, so the positive feelings were kept away as well. Sure, I felt positive feelings, but only to a point. Vulnerability can be good.
Walls can be good as well. I realize that it's important to obtain a balance and not let everyone in, because this is a sure fire way of getting hurt. I have also done this. I sometimes have let anyone in, and ended up paying for it in so many negative ways. But this is not founded in fear. If we have a feeling that we don't want to be friends with someone, there could truly be a legitimate reason, and it is our intuition leading us to that thought.
This brings me to the lyrics of The Dance.
(from memory so please forgive me if it's not precise)
"And I am glad I didn't know
The Way it all would end.
The way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance.
I could've missed the pain.
But I'd ahad to miss the dance."
I don't want to miss this. The pain has taught me so much. Recently, i was thinking about regret. After forgiving recently, I realized that I am so thankful for my mistakes and for the road that I have taken, for all that I have learned. Now I feel that there's really very little I have come to regret, because it has created the woman that wrote this blog. These past few years and months have taught me so much about who I am and who I am becoming.
Thank you to everyone who read this far. I am amazed at the peace and love that I feel, and yet the balance that I have come to as well. I am glad for the blessings of the people i have known and the ones i know now.
80)
I have a great deal of thoughts on this subject, as fear is an emotion that has riddled my life for a great deal of it.
I am going to ramble a bit and quote quite a few different sources in order to get my point across.
I realize now how much I have allowed fear to run my life. I have realized this for some time, and have been working on this for quite awhile, but I have recently had some huge breakthroughs that are already showing me how much peace I am able to obtain. I have a feeling this is just the beginning 80).
For many years, I have been afraid to let people in. Some people that I have let in, I only let them in so much. I am speaking of family, friends, and even God. This entire post does not focus on anyone in particular, but everyone that I am privileged to know. I put myself in a glass booth, and then wonder where everyone is. I realized that it's because I am afraid.
"Where God's love is, there is no fear, because perfect love drives out fear. It is punishment that makes a person fear, so love is not made perfect in the person who fears." I John 4:18
This verse brings me peace. I don't want to fear.
This verse also reminds me of Star Wars (remember -- Desultory randomness is the name of this blog - hehe).
Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering. Star Wars Episode 1
The fear of loss is a path to the Dark Side. -- Star Wars Episode 3
The fear of loss has scared me to the point of being frozen. I have been afraid that anyone that would enter my life would leave it. The truth is that they may. But I am so blessed for the time that I spent with them, no matter how long. Every friendship can and does teach me something and in so many ways, I am better for it.
This reminds me of the song "You move me" by Susan Ashton. Garth later covered it with her on background vocals.
Frozen solid with fear
Like a rock in the ground
But you move me
You give me courage I didn’t
know I had
You move me
I can’t go with you
And stay where I am
So you move me
I realize this song is about God or relationships, whichever way you might want to look at it. I have felt this way, frozen where I am at. Truly, there have been so many people that have moved me. The ultimate one is Heavenly Father. Then there are those that He has placed in my life that move me. A few that i place in this category might be surprised, but I am forever thankful for them and the ability to even know them.
Yoda speaks of fear in the above quotes. I feel that fear is negative energy that turns to anger, pain and woe. I feel this is why the Jedi Code forbids the attachment of love. Love can lead to that fear of loss.
Fear of loss -- something that I have wrestled with on many occasions. I recently had the realization that I was mad at Heavenly Father, because of all of the loss I have had in my life. I realize that it's not his fault at all. Loss happens in so many aspects, whether by death or divorce or paths of those we care for only paralleling ours for a time.
This was the major breakthrough in forgiveness, and now I feel so much freer and lighter.
This brings me to a song by Pink. In this song, I realize that she is speaking of romantic relationships, but I feel that this can be paralleled to all relationships and all sorts of types of love, whether it be family, friends, God, or a romantic involvement.
There's this well of emotions
I feel I must protect
But what's the point of this armor
If it keeps the love away, too?
I'd rather bleed with cuts of love
Than live without any scars
(Love Song by Pink)
I had been in a place for months where I didn't feel. that had lasted for months and months and even years. Actually in many facets of my life, I would say it has lasted for many years. This wall that I have built has kept so many chances for close friends from coming to fruition. I would say that I now have a bigger and stronger support system than I have had in years. When I heard that part of Love song, I got chills and realized that this is exactly what I was doing. I was attempting not to get hurt, so the positive feelings were kept away as well. Sure, I felt positive feelings, but only to a point. Vulnerability can be good.
Walls can be good as well. I realize that it's important to obtain a balance and not let everyone in, because this is a sure fire way of getting hurt. I have also done this. I sometimes have let anyone in, and ended up paying for it in so many negative ways. But this is not founded in fear. If we have a feeling that we don't want to be friends with someone, there could truly be a legitimate reason, and it is our intuition leading us to that thought.
This brings me to the lyrics of The Dance.
(from memory so please forgive me if it's not precise)
"And I am glad I didn't know
The Way it all would end.
The way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance.
I could've missed the pain.
But I'd ahad to miss the dance."
I don't want to miss this. The pain has taught me so much. Recently, i was thinking about regret. After forgiving recently, I realized that I am so thankful for my mistakes and for the road that I have taken, for all that I have learned. Now I feel that there's really very little I have come to regret, because it has created the woman that wrote this blog. These past few years and months have taught me so much about who I am and who I am becoming.
Thank you to everyone who read this far. I am amazed at the peace and love that I feel, and yet the balance that I have come to as well. I am glad for the blessings of the people i have known and the ones i know now.
80)
Shattered but Made Anew -- written on Oct 18, 2008
-- Oct 18 2008
Current mood: peaceful
Category: Writing and Poetry
The shattered pieces that I call my heart lie glistening on the floor.Current mood:
peaceful Category: Writing and Poetry
They are but remnants of what was.
I thought it was over.
I thought that my soul would melt as my heart was broken.
But, alas, peace grew and melded my heart back together.
The same? No, not the same, but into a better mass than before.
She beats and she loves, as she never dreamed.
This peace that swells inside my heart is the product of my Heavenly Father.
This peace has been there and I have not tapped into it.
The pain is gone and the love of Christ remains.
I know that I am worthy and wonderful.
I am amazed by His presence and in awe.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Holly's Top 100 songs
I was looking for some music to match my mood several months ago. I wanted to find something a bit more jaded than what i was listening to. So, I started listening more to Bon Jovi (who has always been a favorite), Pink, The Who, Seven Mary Three, Goo goo Dolls, Kasey Chambers etc.
The strangest thing happened. In looking for the jaded, i found some of the most beautiful songs of hope and even love, and I really enjoy them. I look at my top 100 and see that there is so much more hope than was in there prior to my quest for the jaded songs... Very intriguing indeed.
There's also a bit less country than what used to inhabit this list.
100 Hero of the day by metallica
99 Angel by Aerosmith
98 One by Metallica
97 Seven Spanish Angels by Ray Charles and Willie Nelson
96 - Pony by Kasey Chambers
95 - Stand Still, Look Pretty by the Wreckers
94 What Might have been -- Little Texas
93 One Piece at a time by Johnny Cash
92 Ask me to Stay -- Casey Donahew Band
91 Walk away by Pink
90 Carried Away by George Strait
89 Where the Green Grass Grows by Tim McGraw
88 Ive been everywhere (in texas that is) by Brian Burns
87 - Beds are Burning by Midnight Oil
86 - I've Been Everywhere by Johnny Cash
85 Clouds by Montgomery Gentry
84 - Personal Jesus by Johnny Cash
83 - One in Every crowd -- Montgomery Gentry
82 - Who I am by Jessica Andrews
81 - We got it going on -- Bon jovi (cowritten with Big n Rich)
80 Goodnight Moon by Jack Ingram
79 - Run to you by Lady Antebellum
78 - Tainted love by Soft Cell
77 The River - Garth Brooks
76 - Only in my dreams -- Bon Jovi
75 - I remember you -- Skid Row
74 - Drift away
73 - I would by Jack Ingram
72 - Guitar Town - Steve Earle
71 - Wild as the Wind - Garth Brooks
70 Promises Broken by Soul Asylum
69 - Before I believe it's true -- Randy Rogers Band
68 - You were Always on my mind -- Willie Nelson
67 - Place in this world by Taylor Swift
66 Anymore by Travis Tritt
65 - Johnny and June by Heidi Newfeld (i think that's her name...)
64 The Sweater Song - Weezer
63 More than A memory - Garth Brooks
62 - Bargain -- the who
61 - White Horse by Taylor Swift
60 - A million Tears by Kasey Chambers
59 People are crazy by Billy Currington
58 - Bed of Roses by Bon Jovi
57 If i was your vampire - Marilyn Manson
56 Bat out of Hell by Meatloaf
55 I miss you with me by Randy Rogers Band
54 - Rollin by Big n Rich
53 - Hanging by a Moment by Lifehouse
52 - Lucky by Seven Mary Three
51 Runaway by Pink
50 - Bound for the floor - Local H
49 I drove all night by Roy Orbison
48 - Fifty ways to leave your lover by Paul Simon
47 Something I can Never Have by NIN
46 - Standing outside the Fire by Garth brooks
45 -- Wherever you will go -- The Calling
44 - Save a horse, ride a cowboy -- Big n Rich
43 - The Dance - Garth Brooks
42 -- Wild is the Wind by Bon Jovi
41 -- Halo by Beyonce
40 - Poison by Alice Cooper
39 - Calling Baton Rouge by Garth brooks
38 - My life would suck without you -- Kelly Clarkson
37 - Homeward Bound by Simon and Garfunkel
36 - I have seen the rain by Pink and her dad
35 - Whatever it is by Zac Brown Band
34 - Sweet Child of Mine by Guns N' Roses
33 - Paranoid like me -- Cowboy Troy
32 - If you Could Read my mind by Gordon Lightfoot
31 - She's so High by Tal Bachman
30 an unnamed Soul Asylum song :)
29 - Crazy for this Girl by Evan and Jaron
28 - Shameless by Garth Brooks
27 - American Pie by Don Maclean
26 - If I were you by Kasey Chambers
25 - In The End by Linkin Park
24 One thing by Jack Ingram
23 - Time after Time by Cindy Lauper
22 - A mother's smile by the Judds
21 - Maginificent Obsession by Steven Curtis Chapman
20 - Some Enchanted Evening - Ezio Pinza
19 - Open all Night by Bon Jovi (from the Bounce CD)
18 - Just a friend by Biz Markie
17 Life is a Highway by Chris Ledoux
16 - Leave me alone / Im lonely by Pink
15 - Little Wonders by Rob Thomas
14 - Carol in D Minor by Transiberian Orchestra
13 - More by Matthew West
12 - Please don't leave me by Pink
11 - B*tch by Meredith Brooks
10 - Seat next to you by Bon Jovi
9 - The Captain by Kasey Chambers
8 - It Can't Rain all the time - Jane Siberry
7 - Patience by Guns n Roses
6 - Winds of Change by Scorpion
5 - I'll be there for you - Bon Jovi
4 - Love Song by Pink
3 - Foolish Games by Jewel
2 - Con Te Partio by Andrea Bocelli
1 - Nobody's Hero By Bon Jovi
The strangest thing happened. In looking for the jaded, i found some of the most beautiful songs of hope and even love, and I really enjoy them. I look at my top 100 and see that there is so much more hope than was in there prior to my quest for the jaded songs... Very intriguing indeed.
There's also a bit less country than what used to inhabit this list.
100 Hero of the day by metallica
99 Angel by Aerosmith
98 One by Metallica
97 Seven Spanish Angels by Ray Charles and Willie Nelson
96 - Pony by Kasey Chambers
95 - Stand Still, Look Pretty by the Wreckers
94 What Might have been -- Little Texas
93 One Piece at a time by Johnny Cash
92 Ask me to Stay -- Casey Donahew Band
91 Walk away by Pink
90 Carried Away by George Strait
89 Where the Green Grass Grows by Tim McGraw
88 Ive been everywhere (in texas that is) by Brian Burns
87 - Beds are Burning by Midnight Oil
86 - I've Been Everywhere by Johnny Cash
85 Clouds by Montgomery Gentry
84 - Personal Jesus by Johnny Cash
83 - One in Every crowd -- Montgomery Gentry
82 - Who I am by Jessica Andrews
81 - We got it going on -- Bon jovi (cowritten with Big n Rich)
80 Goodnight Moon by Jack Ingram
79 - Run to you by Lady Antebellum
78 - Tainted love by Soft Cell
77 The River - Garth Brooks
76 - Only in my dreams -- Bon Jovi
75 - I remember you -- Skid Row
74 - Drift away
73 - I would by Jack Ingram
72 - Guitar Town - Steve Earle
71 - Wild as the Wind - Garth Brooks
70 Promises Broken by Soul Asylum
69 - Before I believe it's true -- Randy Rogers Band
68 - You were Always on my mind -- Willie Nelson
67 - Place in this world by Taylor Swift
66 Anymore by Travis Tritt
65 - Johnny and June by Heidi Newfeld (i think that's her name...)
64 The Sweater Song - Weezer
63 More than A memory - Garth Brooks
62 - Bargain -- the who
61 - White Horse by Taylor Swift
60 - A million Tears by Kasey Chambers
59 People are crazy by Billy Currington
58 - Bed of Roses by Bon Jovi
57 If i was your vampire - Marilyn Manson
56 Bat out of Hell by Meatloaf
55 I miss you with me by Randy Rogers Band
54 - Rollin by Big n Rich
53 - Hanging by a Moment by Lifehouse
52 - Lucky by Seven Mary Three
51 Runaway by Pink
50 - Bound for the floor - Local H
49 I drove all night by Roy Orbison
48 - Fifty ways to leave your lover by Paul Simon
47 Something I can Never Have by NIN
46 - Standing outside the Fire by Garth brooks
45 -- Wherever you will go -- The Calling
44 - Save a horse, ride a cowboy -- Big n Rich
43 - The Dance - Garth Brooks
42 -- Wild is the Wind by Bon Jovi
41 -- Halo by Beyonce
40 - Poison by Alice Cooper
39 - Calling Baton Rouge by Garth brooks
38 - My life would suck without you -- Kelly Clarkson
37 - Homeward Bound by Simon and Garfunkel
36 - I have seen the rain by Pink and her dad
35 - Whatever it is by Zac Brown Band
34 - Sweet Child of Mine by Guns N' Roses
33 - Paranoid like me -- Cowboy Troy
32 - If you Could Read my mind by Gordon Lightfoot
31 - She's so High by Tal Bachman
30 an unnamed Soul Asylum song :)
29 - Crazy for this Girl by Evan and Jaron
28 - Shameless by Garth Brooks
27 - American Pie by Don Maclean
26 - If I were you by Kasey Chambers
25 - In The End by Linkin Park
24 One thing by Jack Ingram
23 - Time after Time by Cindy Lauper
22 - A mother's smile by the Judds
21 - Maginificent Obsession by Steven Curtis Chapman
20 - Some Enchanted Evening - Ezio Pinza
19 - Open all Night by Bon Jovi (from the Bounce CD)
18 - Just a friend by Biz Markie
17 Life is a Highway by Chris Ledoux
16 - Leave me alone / Im lonely by Pink
15 - Little Wonders by Rob Thomas
14 - Carol in D Minor by Transiberian Orchestra
13 - More by Matthew West
12 - Please don't leave me by Pink
11 - B*tch by Meredith Brooks
10 - Seat next to you by Bon Jovi
9 - The Captain by Kasey Chambers
8 - It Can't Rain all the time - Jane Siberry
7 - Patience by Guns n Roses
6 - Winds of Change by Scorpion
5 - I'll be there for you - Bon Jovi
4 - Love Song by Pink
3 - Foolish Games by Jewel
2 - Con Te Partio by Andrea Bocelli
1 - Nobody's Hero By Bon Jovi
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)