Fear

Fear

I have a great deal of thoughts on this subject, as fear is an emotion that has riddled my life for a great deal of it.

I am going to ramble a bit and quote quite a few different sources in order to get my point across.

I realize now how much I have allowed fear to run my life. I have realized this for some time, and have been working on this for quite awhile, but I have recently had some huge breakthroughs that are already showing me how much peace I am able to obtain. I have a feeling this is just the beginning 80).

For many years, I have been afraid to let people in. Some people that I have let in, I only let them in so much. I am speaking of family, friends, and even God. This entire post does not focus on anyone in particular, but everyone that I am privileged to know. I put myself in a glass booth, and then wonder where everyone is. I realized that it's because I am afraid.


"Where God's love is, there is no fear, because perfect love drives out fear. It is punishment that makes a person fear, so love is not made perfect in the person who fears." I John 4:18

This verse brings me peace. I don't want to fear.

This verse also reminds me of Star Wars (remember -- Desultory randomness is the name of this blog - hehe).

Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering. Star Wars Episode 1

The fear of loss is a path to the Dark Side. -- Star Wars Episode 3

The fear of loss has scared me to the point of being frozen. I have been afraid that anyone that would enter my life would leave it. The truth is that they may. But I am so blessed for the time that I spent with them, no matter how long. Every friendship can and does teach me something and in so many ways, I am better for it.

This reminds me of the song "You move me" by Susan Ashton. Garth later covered it with her on background vocals.

Frozen solid with fear
Like a rock in the ground

But you move me
You give me courage I didn’t
know I had
You move me
I can’t go with you
And stay where I am
So you move me

I realize this song is about God or relationships, whichever way you might want to look at it. I have felt this way, frozen where I am at. Truly, there have been so many people that have moved me. The ultimate one is Heavenly Father. Then there are those that He has placed in my life that move me. A few that i place in this category might be surprised, but I am forever thankful for them and the ability to even know them.

Yoda speaks of fear in the above quotes. I feel that fear is negative energy that turns to anger, pain and woe. I feel this is why the Jedi Code forbids the attachment of love. Love can lead to that fear of loss.

Fear of loss -- something that I have wrestled with on many occasions. I recently had the realization that I was mad at Heavenly Father, because of all of the loss I have had in my life. I realize that it's not his fault at all. Loss happens in so many aspects, whether by death or divorce or paths of those we care for only paralleling ours for a time.

This was the major breakthrough in forgiveness, and now I feel so much freer and lighter.

This brings me to a song by Pink. In this song, I realize that she is speaking of romantic relationships, but I feel that this can be paralleled to all relationships and all sorts of types of love, whether it be family, friends, God, or a romantic involvement.

There's this well of emotions
I feel I must protect
But what's the point of this armor
If it keeps the love away, too?
I'd rather bleed with cuts of love
Than live without any scars
(Love Song by Pink)

I had been in a place for months where I didn't feel. that had lasted for months and months and even years. Actually in many facets of my life, I would say it has lasted for many years. This wall that I have built has kept so many chances for close friends from coming to fruition. I would say that I now have a bigger and stronger support system than I have had in years. When I heard that part of Love song, I got chills and realized that this is exactly what I was doing. I was attempting not to get hurt, so the positive feelings were kept away as well. Sure, I felt positive feelings, but only to a point. Vulnerability can be good.

Walls can be good as well. I realize that it's important to obtain a balance and not let everyone in, because this is a sure fire way of getting hurt. I have also done this. I sometimes have let anyone in, and ended up paying for it in so many negative ways. But this is not founded in fear. If we have a feeling that we don't want to be friends with someone, there could truly be a legitimate reason, and it is our intuition leading us to that thought.

This brings me to the lyrics of The Dance.
(from memory so please forgive me if it's not precise)

"And I am glad I didn't know
The Way it all would end.
The way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance.
I could've missed the pain.
But I'd ahad to miss the dance."

I don't want to miss this. The pain has taught me so much. Recently, i was thinking about regret. After forgiving recently, I realized that I am so thankful for my mistakes and for the road that I have taken, for all that I have learned. Now I feel that there's really very little I have come to regret, because it has created the woman that wrote this blog. These past few years and months have taught me so much about who I am and who I am becoming.

Thank you to everyone who read this far. I am amazed at the peace and love that I feel, and yet the balance that I have come to as well. I am glad for the blessings of the people i have known and the ones i know now.

80)