Tuesday, September 28, 2010

So many thoughts...

on trust and believing in myself...

I was thinking about one beautiful song that has now been fulfilled within me...

One of these days I'm gonna love me
And feel the joy of sweet release
One of these days I'll rise above me
And at last I'll find some peace
And then I'm gonna smile a little
And maybe even laugh a little
But one of these days...
I'm gonna love me

When i realized years ago that this needed to happen, that I needed to love myself, i had no idea where this journey would take me. I am so thankful for all that I am learning. I love me. That's a wonderful, peaceful feeling....

I also want to talk a bit about trust... Trusting in other people is something I have had a tendency to do. My whole realm of thinking in this has been skewed. I have certain ideals that i expect others to fulfil, which are pretty extensive, to be truthful. And then, if (when) someone steps out of what one expects, they have let us down...

So i am working on obliterating the ideal of trusting others from my brain, and trusting in myself and allowing others to be who they are, while allowing me to be who I am. It's going well so far, and pretty exciting, actually...

The idea of trusting others is actually one key ingredient that has caused past failure in previous relationships in my life...

It's amazing all of the changes that are transpiring...

Monday, August 9, 2010

Some thoughts...

So I have been thinking.... So much to process and so much change. But change is good. I am feeling so much better about me. I am so thankful for everyone in my life. I am continuing to work on control of my feelings, thoughts and my attitude. I am also realizing how being humble and peacefulness are connected. I am amazing. I can say that with feeling and with confidence. This has taken me so long. My mistakes do not define me. I have learned from them, and I have become more of who I want to me, more of who I feel that God wants me to be.

I recently realized that I have unrealistic expectations. They actually stem from unreasonable expectations of myself. And then I seem to think that everyone should follow them. Much improvement has been made in this. I don't have to be so intense. It is fine to just let go and let things flow in all facets of life. And to realize that others' actions are not indicative of my worth. That is where so much of my pain and hurt that has resulted from friendships and relationships with many people, really. i have thought in the past that if people didn't spend time with me or acknowledged me, i was worthless. This was the same way in regards to my accomplishments as well. they seemed futile if others didn't notice. I can do so many wonderful things and I have that no one has noticed. i have pride in those things, and i will continue to have that pride!

It's a great deal to change, but i *know* that I can do this.

In the past, I have always wanted a man to save me. i didn't think i did, but i did want that. Do i now? No. I have a man who is walking beside me as I find my way. He is there to help me dust off my knees when I fall. i just know he is near. I appreciate his strength more than i could ever imagine.

It's amazing that the more I work on, and the more peace I work on having, the more I realize that i have so much to be thankful for.

My life is not a punishment, it's a blessing. I used to think that God was always mad at how badly i was doing. i know that he is very proud of me. I may not always do what is right, but He loves me very much. It reminds me of that song, "Touch of the Master's hand". i love that song so much, and I know that I am worth so much more with God's love and that acknowledgment within me.


So i have so many things to work on, but I have made so much improvement. I can do this. i am so confident. i know i may fail, but true failure is not falling, it's not getting back up.

Life is good 80)

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Knitting

So I've fallen in love with knitting... more than crocheting.I know, tis shocking...

So recent finished projects....

A grey shirt for me. I followed the pattern, but i soon realized it would be too low, so I adapted it. And it was more of a crop top for my build... so i'm in process of adding a crocheted band.

Slippers galore 80)

wips (works in progress) and to dos

crochet edging for above grey shirt

pink dishcloth

2 pairs of slippers (in process of finding the perfect patterns for my boys 80)

the project of insanity -- a blanket...

a baby afghan

Gryffindor scarf

friend's shirt...


so this all will keep me busy for a few weeks. Hahaha...

Guinevere part 2

So I've been thinking more on this song. I heard it again yesterday, and i didn't mention another line that hits me.

"For as much as she stumbles, she's running.
For as much as she's gone, she's still here. '

This has described me in the past, and I must admit still describes a portion of me.

There's a portion of me that I keep so far away. It goes back to the mirage...

i'm getting better at this, in part due to selectiveness in who I allow close to me...

I am so thankful for my thoughts and for the peace that comes with pensiveness 80D

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Guinevere

so i'm writing this on lunch on my cell, so i'll proofread and correct later.

for those that listen to country music, you may know a song called guinevere by the Eli Young Band.

Songs in general are subjective and they mean something different to everyone. this reminds me of who i used to be, not letting love in. not forgiving... and truly thats the key to love and peace - forgiveness.


'she says forgiveness aint nothing but a lifeless tire on the shoulder of her road that never rolls.'


i heard this song shortly after someone challenged me to forgive and let go. i cried so hard. the peace that comes with forgiveness, with being ok with the unknown is so amazing. ive forgiven but not like this...

This song talks about how this girl let one person in, he broke her heart and so no one gets to stay. I was that girl for quite some time... The walls that i have built around me have fallen to a degree. i'm still careful, which is necessary... but it's a step 80)

i have had issues trusting in dating relationships. trust is so imprtant... i'm ok with walking this road....


i am so grateful for the lessons i have learned in life. and i am thankful for those in my life...

Monday, May 17, 2010

Responsibility and control

I have been thinking a great deal on this. This will be a quick blog and I may come back and polish it.

"Sometimes I get nervous when I see an open door. Close your eyes, clear your heart. Cut the cord. " -- Human by the Killers

When i recently heard this song again, this line stuck out at me. I realized this is what I had to do.

Sometimes, I have been frozen with fear. I've spoken of it before. In the past, I haven't taken responsibility for many of my actions, and I see now that it's imperative to growth.

I take responsibility for what I've done, for who I am. But the other side of this, is i take responsibility for others' mistakes too, and this is ceasing now.

I am responsible for me and my two awesome sons. I have learned so much in my life, and I see how much i have to teach to my children, especially.

I am so very proud of them. They helped teach me how to live. There are so many people who are amazing and I am so thankful for the people that come into my life, if even for a moment.

There are so many things we don't have control over, but one of the most important facets is we have control over our attitudes. 80)

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

thoughts on peace

So many thoughts have recently come to me in regards to peace.

I am so peaceful in where I am regarding life. It's not what life brings to us, it's what we bring to life -- a simple yet eloquent thought that first hit me when I watched Anne of green gables: the continuing story (it is *not* anne of avonlea -- nothing like the book, but I digress.) Another reason this first hit me in this movie is that I am a romantic. I used to be moreso, but my romanticism is now mixed with a good deal of reality or cynicism... depending on one's definition 80)

I am also learning about walking the fine line that is learning from the past without dwelling in it. The past has taught me so much. This life in general is meant for that, to learn and grow. And i am so amazed at the person I've become -- am becoming 80)

i am so thankful for my life, for the people in it, for God's work in and through me.

Thank you all for rolling with me 80) (think Montgomery Gentry's roll with me 80))

Monday, February 8, 2010

Valentine's Day on a budget...

This subject has recently come up a few times, in part due to my second job and the constant bombardment of Valentine's day there, and also that of a guy friend requesting advice for said holiday...

i was originally intending this blog to target what a guy could get a girl, but *some* of this could be used for what a girl could get a guy... that being said, i will still be saying what to get her, etc from here on out...

Here are some things to think about with Valentine's day...

More expensive isn't always better...

If you have agreed to attack this holiday with a budget of a certain amount...all the better...

Some simple ideas... (some of which can be found at my secondary place of employment, hehe)

a preserved rose or a single rose and an inexpensive vase. (be careful to research the color of roses online if your gal is particular on that sort of thing... certain colors denote different things)

candles (nice candles can actually start out pretty inexpensive.

a candy dish with her favorite candy

a special treat she doesn't get a great deal of (it could be a bottle of wine she likes or a juice she doesnt buy often, or sparkling grape juice, etc), cadbury eggs (i speak from personal experience on this one -- i get at least one of these for my bday every year... oh and diet drinks too... ) i actually think the practical gifts are awesome... it's something i like, and i'm so appreciative...

herbal tea along with a little mug

fuzzy socks and that could be paired with some nice foot lotion.

an eye mask -- again these can be found inexpensively at different places and you could even get her a bottle of her favorite lotion, an eye mask, etc and make it a litte beauty kit for less than $20

coupons -- such as one free back-rub, one free 'i'll fix dinner' night, one free "i'll do the dishes night", one free "i'll rub your feet " night, one free "i'll go to the store and pick up something we forgot" night. for people with kids, the youngens can get in on this too, and help decorate them, etc.

put hershey's kisses on the floor between her side of the bed and the bathroom (**NOT if you have a dog**)) and rose petals in the bathtub -- and you could put on a note, "I wanted to kiss the ground you walk on and shower you with rose petals"

you can cook dinner(if you can cook). If you don't know how, i wouldn't choose this night to try, please 80)

getting a heart-shaped dish and putting it only half full of candy -- and putting a note saying, "my heart is only half full without you'


quoting songs is another thing that i'm notorius for, so a cd of romantic favorites would be good. If you don't know each other as well, you can give her a cd of some of your faves (try to use taste though, hehe).

a book from her favorite author is also good...

So this should get one's creative juices flowing. I hope this helps someone 80)

I wanted to say one closing note regarding Valentine's day.Is it over-commercialized? It might be, but anything that promotes love can't be all bad. It's just imperative to remember the ones we love on the other 364 days that we live throughout the year 80)

Sincerely,
Holly

Thursday, January 14, 2010

100 favorite songs -- revisited

So my tastes have changed a bit, and i've decided to update my top 100 songs.

100 Hero of the day by metallica
99 Angel by Aerosmith
98 One by Metallica
97 Seven Spanish Angels by Ray Charles and Willie Nelson
96 - Superman by five for fighting
95 - Stand Still, Look Pretty by the Wreckers
94 What Might have been -- Little Texas
93 One Piece at a time by Johnny Cash
92 Ask me to Stay -- Casey Donahew Band
91 Walk away by Pink
90 Carried Away by George Strait
89 Where the Green Grass Grows by Tim McGraw
88 Ive been everywhere (in texas that is) by Brian Burns
87 - Beds are Burning by Midnight Oil
86 - I've Been Everywhere by Johnny Cash
85 Clouds by Montgomery Gentry
84 - Personal Jesus by Johnny Cash
83 - One in Every crowd -- Montgomery Gentry
82 - Who I am by Jessica Andrews
81 - We got it going on -- Bon jovi (cowritten with Big n Rich)
80 Goodnight Moon by Jack Ingram
79 - Run to you by Lady Antebellum
78 - Tainted love by Soft Cell
77 The River - Garth Brooks
76 - Ships by Barry Manilow
75 - I remember you -- Skid Row
74 - nothing else matters by metallica
73 -Seeing stars by Jack ingram
72 - Guitar Town - Steve Earle
71 - that old wind by Garth brooks
70 Promises Broken by Soul Asylum
69 - Before I believe it's true -- Randy Rogers Band
68 - You were Always on my mind -- Willie Nelson
67 - Place in this world by Taylor Swift
66 Anymore by Travis Tritt
65 - Johnny and June by Heidi Newfeld (i think that's her name...)
64 The Sweater Song - Weezer
63 More than A memory - Garth Brooks
62 - Bargain -- the who
61 - White Horse by Taylor Swift
60 - A million Tears by Kasey Chambers
59 People are crazy by Billy Currington
58 - Bed of Roses by Bon Jovi
57 If i was your vampire - Marilyn Manson
56 Bat out of Hell by Meatloaf
55 - learn to love by bon jovi
54 - Rollin by Big n Rich
53 - Hanging by a Moment by Lifehouse
52 - Lucky by Seven Mary Three
51 Runaway by Pink
50 - Bound for the floor - Local H
49 I drove all night by Roy Orbison
48 - Fifty ways to leave your lover by Paul Simon
47 Something I can Never Have by NIN
46 - Standing outside the Fire by Garth brooks
45 -- Wherever you will go -- The Calling
44 - Save a horse, ride a cowboy -- Big n Rich
43 - The Dance - Garth Brooks
42 -- Wild is the Wind by Bon Jovi
41 -- Halo by Beyonce
40 - Poison by Alice Cooper
39 - Calling Baton Rouge by Garth brooks
38 - Beautiful by eminem
37 - Homeward Bound by Simon and Garfunkel
36 - I have seen the rain by Pink and her dad
35 - Whatever it is by Zac Brown Band
34 - Sweet Child of Mine by Guns N' Roses
33 - Bleeding love by Leona lewis
32 - If you Could Read my mind by Gordon Lightfoot
31 - She's so High by Tal Bachman
30 - Somebody to shove by Soul Asylum
29 - Again by Radney foster
28 - When you come back to me again by Garth Brooks
27 - both sides now -- joni mitchell
26 - You're my home -- billy joel
25 - i'm in -- radney foster
24 One thing by Jack Ingram
23 - Time after Time by Cindy Lauper
22 - Tangled up in You -- Staind
21 - You were so right -- radney foster
20 - Some Enchanted Evening - Ezio Pinza
19 - Open all Night by Bon Jovi (from the Bounce CD)
18 - i miss you with me -- Randy Rogers band
17 Life is a Highway by Chris Ledoux
16 - Leave me alone / Im lonely by Pink
15 - Little Wonders by Rob Thomas
14 - Carol in D Minor by Transiberian Orchestra
13 - Con Te Partio by Andrea Bocelli
12 - Please don't leave me by Pink
11 - B*tch by Meredith Brooks
10 - Seat next to you by Bon Jovi
9 - Nobody's Hero By Bon Jovi
8 - It's a great day to be alive -- travis tritt
7 - Patience by Guns n Roses
6 - Winds of Change by Scorpion
5 - I'll be there for you - Bon Jovi
4 - Love Song by Pink
3 - Foolish Games by Jewel
2 - Details in the fabric -- Jason Mraz
1 - love's the only rule -- bon jovi