Peace

Where do we go when peace is so fleeting?

What do we do when the world feels upside down?

How do we cope when there is a torrential downpour in our lives, and we're bailing the water out of our boat with a teaspoon?

I know I could give so many answers here, I could give the ones we hear in Sunday school that can get us through to a point.

I could also give answers looking at the positive...

I could give the answers that love gets us through everything

There are so many ways to answer those questions.

I think there are different answers for different times.

I know that God gives us strength. He helps us through these dark times.

After all, peace is not the lack of hard times. It's the strength and the hope and the love around us that gives us the strength to persevere. There are so many elements that mix up to become a better potion to handle what we all go through -- life. I was reminded in a very poignant post on Facebook that we are always taught and told to only stay in the light, to not allow the other half of us to be shown. Our whole self needs to be involved in living. That balance, that peace of allowing our whole selves to be loved by all who know us is more important than any other thought I could give you.

I have some beliefs that are considered New Age. (I'm a Christian who feels like there is not just one religion or one way to believe in Christ. ) So many well meaning people will tell me not to dwell on any negative aspect of my disease, to not dwell on any negative at all. The issue with that is this is my life, our lives and our struggles need not be ignored. Being positive and strong does not mean in any way that we can't admit what's happening to our lives, to our bodies. I find when I am trying to just be strong and ignore every concern, every symptom, I do worse. My hurt, my fear, my anger, they all have to go somewhere. When I was reading one of Barry Neal Kaufman's books, he mentioned to embrace those illnesses, those trials that are happening to us. Talk to it, embrace it, be friends with it... I think I spend so much time fighting what is in my body, I am using so much energy in fighting what I cannot control, I can just let go. I can just let go of what I can't control, which is the trick to knowing that at this time, I cannot change my epilepsy.  that energy, that beautiful, fiery energy that I have been trying to hide can be used to work on healing in other ways.

I have been so emotional lately. Tears just well up all the time. I'm a bit tired of it, but I've missed it. I have compartmentalized so much emotion, dealing with what I can when I can... But the truth is, I do better when I embrace the pain, when I am with the journey, and not fighting the current of the river. Should I fight this disease? Of course!!! Absolutely!! This thing will not take me!!! I will do everything I can to help find a cure, to heal my heart that just doesn't seem to heal sometimes.

In regards to love, Love helps so much. Support helps so much. What I found though, what is so important, dear reader, if you do not have a good support system is to keep the following in mind. No matter how much love is around you, if you don't love yourself, it will not be enough. Sometimes, even with family, those critical, scary moments you have to endure and or fight, it all starts with you... Is it good to have a positive attitude? Of course!!!! Is it important to understand that just ignoring the negative doesn't mean it will go away? that's critical. It's important to handle your hurt. You have to acknowledge your pain and heal each individual wound. It will take a lifetime as there can be a lot of pain. Choosing not to be angry about the little things (and the things you can control) is paramount and a battle i have frequently, but knowing that difference, that's the key... That's not easy.

This ride, this life, is a beautiful, crazy, wacky thing... And I am glad to be here. 8)

Sincerely,
Intelligent Airhead

Thankfulness 8/20/2015

1. I'm thankful for rest, for good thoughts and for peace... So much good and so much positive energy to tap into... I just have to do that!

2. So many future endeavors are on the brink of getting going... So much to look forward to in our lives. So much to be thankful for in every moment and I am thankful for that thought process...

3. We had meet the teacher night for K!!! That was really exciting. I hope it will be another wonderful year for all 3 boys! Can't believe summer is almost over!

4. Less seizures today, so less of seizing the day, so that's good!!!

5. more answers and so much is coming together. I'm very thankful for all of that.

Gratitude

I used to have a gratitude journal, back when Oprah made it popular... I think it's really important for me to take that up again... Will this always be here? No... Though I cherish you, dear reader(s) as the case may be 8), some are for only me and will be elsewhere.

Yesterday:

I am thankful:
1. we got to go to the Rangers game. I got to see my oldest child smile from ear to ear for 3 hours... he loved it!!! He was so into it!!! I see my dad in both my boys in different ways, but sports and his daughters was the main thing that made my dad laugh or cry... And my oldest's is classical music, an orchestral instrument, and certain sports.  8) The younger boys enjoyed it too, though baseball has its' slow parts.
2. things did not go as planned. We were too late to walk on the field prior to the game, so we ran around the bases afterwards... Having been a Texas Rangers fan all my life (my dad and I shared watching the games on tv, as we actually seldom went together...), I was moved to tears by walking over home plate... As silly as that is, it was beautiful. And to think we wouldn't have done that if we weren't trying to keep a promise to our youngest (the older boys weren't too worried about it, but they loved it too...) as a planner, and a "distressed one when it doesn't all go as perceived", this is a beautiful lesson to remember.
3. Though it can be a bit stressful, as the boys can be brother-like, there is beauty in their interactions in learning how to be adults... I was reading the other day about how we aren't raising children. We are raising adults... and we are teaching our kids how to act like adults... It helps me to parent differently and there is a blessing in that change of perspective.
4. the family I married into 8). Having had a disfunctional family in my childhood and in part of my adult life, i have idealized the functional family... I actually think this is pretty common from what i've read... There is no such thing as perfection... I am good enough to be in this family, even though I feel imperfect and not good enough sometimes...
5. teamwork, ah the examples on a ball field, in a family, in one's body as living is just an example of how every bodily system works together... It's a beautiful things to contemplate!

That's it for today!!!! More tomorrow, or next week, or next month or next year as it usually goes!!

Wow, time flies!!!

It's so amazing to me, how quickly time flies. It's so amazing, how we blink and we can miss so much. I am forever thankful for my wonderful family. Sometimes life seems so tough... Then there's that wake up call... That moment you realize how much more pain others are in. You see others' paths and how tough it is. And there's that aha moment where I realize I can do so much through Christ, through Spirit... It might be a slow path, it might be crazy path, but this crazy life is the most amazing ride ever. It's fun, crazy, sad, messy, but ultimately, I wouldn't have it any other way. Well less of the sad, messy, but you know that's part of it as well...

Those valleys, those scary, treacherous valleys help our hearts prepare for the mountains. Bad things happen to everyone, but it's how we handle it, it's how we allow others to help us handle it.

If you are having a hard time, please let me say, I am with you... You are loved and it will be ok... Maybe not terrific, but you will get through.

((((HUG))))

Love is beautiful. It heals us and keeps our souls together in the fury of each storm. It's so difficult to see this when you don't feel loved. Start with a small spark. Love that person in the mirror, and it suddenly gets a bit easier. It takes time and belief in yourself, in love, in beauty, but that journey is worth it too.

Time

Time is an amazing healer, though its' speed can be faster than I ever thought possible. It seemed pretty darn slow at the time, though 8)

I just read different posts of this blog, going back to the beginning.  Dear reader, if you have been with me from earlier on, you probably saw a young woman in a great deal of emotional pain. I hope you saw hope and her desire to continue forward. I love this about the girl who writes these words. Changing and becoming better and evolving into a better person is an ever-present desire for me. The pain I still work through can be overwhelming, but it's so much easier. Some days are completely harder than others... The secret I now realize, everyone has bad days... I am so hard on myself sometimes...

It's ok that I am a bit late to grow, I'm just thankful I am growing.

I have forgotten how freeing and wonderful blogging can be... It's a good way to get some thoughts out, and for that I am glad 8)

I have also forgotten how important music is to me! As I listen to 'Homeward Bound' by Simon and Garfunkel, my heart is transported somewhere else. There is beauty in that. 8)

It's so beautiful when I see Spirit helping me stitch my life together, my heart, my thoughts.

Sometimes, when my medical issues prevent simple mobility, I think of God carrying me and holding me and helping me through each moment. Something that something simple is so healing to me. It gives me hope and makes me feel loved. And I know I am very loved 8)

An amazing song about autism

My 2 oldest sons have autism. They were diagnosed at 2 and I felt so guilty. Some family members even asked me what I did wrong, but most extended family members just avoided me. I was not at a very good place, coping wise, so it was not an easy time. It's easy to blame myself sometimes. I feel like I could have done so much more. 

The other day, I was reading about Allison Moorer's son and the song she wrote about Autism called, "Mama let the wolf in". This song really spoke to me, it gives words to the tangled emotions I feel about autism sometimes. My boys are amazing and work so hard to be who they are. I am so blessed to have them 8)

Mama Let the Wolf In

Written by Allison Moorer and Jeffrey Steele. Produced by Kenny Greenberg. Released by Entertainment One U.S. in March, 2015.

Baby I’m sorry, I didn’t see him coming
He was just around the corner, now he’s got us running’
We could hide in a closet, But I know he’s gonna find us
Cause I’ll forget to lock it and shut out the beast behind us

Mama let the wolf in, mama let the wolf in, Mama let the wolf in
Oh no, oh no

But little bit of bad luck, lord knows we didn’t want it
A little bitty short straw had our names written on it
He coulda gone next door to pillage and plunder
But he don’t ask permission, big bad mother fucker

Mama let the wolf in, mama let the wolf in, Mama let the wolf in
Oh no, oh no

Run baby run baby run bay run away
You’re the one he’s got and I’d do anything to take his place
I shot a silver bullet but now there’s nothing to do but pray
Pray pray pray pray pray

Cause, Mama let the wolf in, mama let the wolf in, Mama let the wolf in
Oh, Mama let the wolf in, mama let the wolf in, Mama let the wolf in
Oh no, oh no

Oh, baby I’m sorry,
Oh, baby I’m sorry,
Oh, baby I’m sorry,
Oh-no.

Checking in, Anne Lamott, and a healthy reminder 8D

My husband and I are working more adamantly on our health and our health blog.

Please feel free to visit us over at

http://ahealthierwe.blogspot.com/

It's time to change. I have to be more serious about my health and Dave is feeling the same, so it's a bit easier to go on this journey together.

It's been quite some time since I have blogged regularly here... In a lot of ways, that makes me sad. I miss this. I miss typing all of my little thoughts... Most of my postings have made it into my private diary as of late... But this part of it is important too.

Healing and learning is always a part of my life. Sometimes, it may seem I am growing less than others, but it seems there's always something I am working on.

I have had some setbacks. With epilepsy, I am a different person now. I have to relearn some fairly simple coping techniques, but in a way, life is always a place to learn. We get better, and sometimes we learn and relearn, and every time, there is a purpose.

One writer who fills my heart with reality, hope, and laughter is Anne Lamott. She amazes me. She strengthens me with her honesty. I have read books now and then of hers for the last 13 years or so. Books find me here and there... And somehow I forget about meaningful books, but it's a cycle, I think. Books come to us when it's time... My way of picking out books is as follows. If I'm needing a self help book or encouragement, I pray, and the right book just seems to pop into my head or I am lead to it. A very beautiful thing... 8D.

Here is a beautiful article to just show you a bit of what she shares.

http://www.salon.com/2015/04/10/anne_lamott_shares_all_that_she_knows_everyone_is_screwed_up_broken_clingy_and_scared/

I am still working on feeling better, and unfortunately I am unable to work outside of the home at this time. I am very sad about this, but life does change and I am working on making the best of it. I am spending a lot of time with my children and I have missed that so much. I try to find the good in everything, it just takes me awhile sometimes 8)