So tired

I have been so very tired as of late. Dave has been great about holding down the fort and letting me sleep on nights he is off. He even takes my blood sugar and gives me insulin, when I'm half asleep. I am very blessed to have him in my life. The boys are doing well. We're all trying to be more active, and that is helpful as well.

I have so many thoughts right now in how to be better and stronger for God and for myself and for my family.

I want to be calmer and more peaceful. Those are my goals for now 8).


I am taking the summer off from school and working more. I am studying math and science to do better for the Fall.

I am also working on a good deal of projects knitting and crocheting-wise 8)

What's my payoff?

I ask myself this sometimes... "What's my payoff?" There is always a payoff in what we do. Why do I do this or that? I ask myself what my payoff is... I don't do it all the time, but when I'm perplexed by my behavior, I do this.

I have been so resentful for so much of my life. The resentment is becoming lighter and lighter everyday. I am consistently working on all of my hurts and pains... There are a great deal of them to be honest. Many of them are from when I was younger. I have come so far in quite a short time. I don't talk a great deal about the specifics, because it's too much, unless you are pretty close to me. I'll mention something about my childhood and I'll generally get a response of shock both for what was endured and that I'm as normal as I am. I have come to the fact I was blessed. Many people near me, even, had it much worse. I am thankful for my life, with the good and bad.

This is helping find more love for my sons and for Dave within my heart.

It is also helping me love someone special more everyday. She's really cool! You know who it is? Yup, it's me 8). I love myself, but I still get frustrated with me sometimes. We all do, I know this... We are all starting something in our household. If we get upset at ourselves or are too hard on ourselves, we have to find a mirror (the camera portion of a smart phone is working great as well), and we have to apologize and accept the apology.

I also have had trouble for a long time with rejection of any sort... That and abandonment. I am working on this and that is helpful too. It's getting better daily. I love me and my self worth is not indicative of other's approval of me. I am so glad I am finding me even more everyday. I won't abandon myself again. I have done so for way too long.

God is so good and it's such a blessing to learn and be better and grow. 8D

Control, yet again

I really work on the balance between control and letting things go and then just not caring at all about certain aspects. I am really focusing on this, as it is passive aggressive behavior that I want to forever quash.

Things to focus on in overwhelming situations.

I love me.
I am an awesome mom.
I am a wonderful person.
I am beautiful.
God loves every single part of me, even the parts I can't stand.

This last one came from a devotional book I am delving into, "Loving yourself more."

The beauty about being peaceful is that for moments we will be in turmoil, but we can attempt to make it back to rest as quickly as possible. Sometimes, deep breathing works. Sometimes, imagery is better. Sometimes, praying helps me or singing praise songs to God. Whatever positive activity works, I'm for it 8D.

The Answers

Sometimes, I want all the answers. I want to know why. I want to understand why something works and why it doesn't. I want to know all of the mitigating factors of issues and the cause of pain. I am entirely too inquisitive for my own good. Sometimes, I delve into my past. I wonder and I hold each piece seeing how it fits and why it worked out a certain way. I try not to what if in my life, but I do tend to want answers, at this point. I am working on that as well. When I hurt and am scared, I am working on embracing it and learning from the situation. When the past comes up, I handle it and give it to God. This is helping me a great deal!

Update: 4/21/2015 -- It's not that easy. I wish it was. Sometimes, we snatch that pain back... It's important to keep giving the pain, the hurt, the anger, back to God, but it takes a lot of work. I tell you, it's worth it... I work on not getting as upset now, which averts so much. A lot of that comes from my love of meditation. I work on getting back to calmness... That's a struggle too, but it's absolutely beautiful 8)

Dirk Nowitzki's Hero Celebrity Baseball game

K, Tristan, and I went to the Dirk Nowitzki Hero Celebrity baseball game at Dr. Pepper Park in Frisco last Saturday. We had a blast, and I'm so glad we made it happen. Avery was busy getting ready for camp, so he didn't get to go. Dave had to work, so he also had to miss out. The outing went really well, besides a couple of somewhat small snafus... The game itself was great and I really enjoyed it. Tristan approves of the stadium, so we may try to get to a RoughRiders game soon... (he has specific parameters regarding crowds and such). We got some great pictures too, which is also awesome... The pictures of the celebs were awful, but the ones we took of us are awesome sauce! 8)


The big thing I learned is to have a good place to meet in case your family gets separated.