What's my payoff?

I ask myself this sometimes... "What's my payoff?" There is always a payoff in what we do. Why do I do this or that? I ask myself what my payoff is... I don't do it all the time, but when I'm perplexed by my behavior, I do this.

I have been so resentful for so much of my life. The resentment is becoming lighter and lighter everyday. I am consistently working on all of my hurts and pains... There are a great deal of them to be honest. Many of them are from when I was younger. I have come so far in quite a short time. I don't talk a great deal about the specifics, because it's too much, unless you are pretty close to me. I'll mention something about my childhood and I'll generally get a response of shock both for what was endured and that I'm as normal as I am. I have come to the fact I was blessed. Many people near me, even, had it much worse. I am thankful for my life, with the good and bad.

This is helping find more love for my sons and for Dave within my heart.

It is also helping me love someone special more everyday. She's really cool! You know who it is? Yup, it's me 8). I love myself, but I still get frustrated with me sometimes. We all do, I know this... We are all starting something in our household. If we get upset at ourselves or are too hard on ourselves, we have to find a mirror (the camera portion of a smart phone is working great as well), and we have to apologize and accept the apology.

I also have had trouble for a long time with rejection of any sort... That and abandonment. I am working on this and that is helpful too. It's getting better daily. I love me and my self worth is not indicative of other's approval of me. I am so glad I am finding me even more everyday. I won't abandon myself again. I have done so for way too long.

God is so good and it's such a blessing to learn and be better and grow. 8D