The Cynical Romantic and what I want

My name is Holly and I'm a cynical romantic. (group -- Hi, Holly)

When I was young, I would categorize myself as a hopeless romantic. I thought that those stories of movies and books were true. That Prince Charming would come along, sweep me off of my feet and life would be grand. I always put a lot of stock into having a relationship, since my teens anyway. I thought I wasn't good enough, that only the good people got that. Of course, what took me years of living to realize is that life isn't a fairy tale, relationships are a great deal of work, and what is stunting my realization of healthy relationships is my lack of self esteem. Truthfully, life in itself is a great deal of work. Being emotionally and fiscally responsible is not easy and is an ever-constant part of life. The ironic portion of my former hopeless romantic state is that my favorite movies, books and plays aren't the average Prince Charming tales... The Phantom of the Opera and Beauty and the Beast top my favorites list. They did even then, which is kind of screwy if you think about it... When I was a teenager, I thought that once I found a man, everything would be alright. My life settled into this pattern for awhile. When this happens, I'll be happy. What took me years to realize and I'm still learning lessons in this, is that life is what we make it. Happiness is a state of mind, not a destination.

I started learning many truths when my awesome good friend started to help me with some of these lessens about 10 years ago. It took me a long time and a lot of trials to realize exactly how to go about changing. I felt like a victim, that life happened to me, not that I'm living it. Now, I know that I have so many choices each day, and it is my blessing and option to choose either way. If/ when I make a mistake, I receive the joy of learning from it 80).

I have had failed relationships galore and I have learned a lot about what I want and what I don't. What's amazing is that I feel on the cusp of receiving what I want and desire, and it's exciting, awe-inspiring, and a bit frightening. My issue in the past and in the present is being honest with what I want to myself and others, while saying it in a healthy manner.

To those in situations that I have depicted or close to that, please know that you are not alone. You can do this. If I can, you can. God will see us through. Don't lose hope. As Cory Morrow eloquently sings, "Love finds, love finds everyone." And I believe that with all of my heart.

I have a tendency to put up my walls around myself and my heart in order to protect myself. To a certain extent, walls can be healthy. However, when they consist of 348 booby traps, land mines and an impossible maze, it is not conducive to having healthy adult relationships of any sort, whether romantic, friendships or even the mother/ son bond. My changes in my feelings and thoughts have strengthened my relationship with my children more than I could have ever fathomed and our relationship is growing stronger all of the time. .

In the last few years, I have realized that my view on romantic relationships is completely out of whack. I idealized romantic relationships, not to the point of my youth, but still to the point where what I thought I wanted could not be attained. It was impossible. One way to explain this is my favorite way -- song.

"She's a lady down on love.
She needs somebody to gently pick her up.
She's got her freedom,
Yet she'd rather be bound
To a man that would love her and
Never let her down" (Alabama)

Talk about impossible. Let's focus on the last two lines... A man loving her, that's doable of course, provided that she sees herself worthy of love, which I now do. But never letting her down? This is what I wanted until a very short time ago. People will let us down. We are all imperfect, and what I was wanting, to never be let down, was completely unrealistic.

I want to grow old with someone. Until I have that, I am now completely enthralled with the idea of just being with my sons, dating a wonderful man, and doing what I can to make my life less dramatic and better for all of us. My issue with this is I get into my "Holly-silo." What I mean by this is that I get so independent, I once again don't let anyone in. That is something that I am actively working on, attempting to be open enough to let others in, yet independent enough to go it alone for as long as necessary.

This brings me to my next song reference. However the whole song is completely relevant, so it is being posted.

He hurt you, she hurt me
Now trust doesn't come so easily
Love isn't the fairy tale it was before
So we're careful, cause we're fragile
We both realize some caution is wise
But we won't really love
'Til we're not scared to hurt anymore

So I open myself to the thought
And the hope and the real
And the fact it could end
But I'm taking the chance
'Cause I know if we don't
Then we might never find this again
And I know that we can't be alone
What we might be together
So I'll give you my best
For what's left of the rest of forever

*You need me and I need you
Sharing again isn't easy to do
We've only been able
To count on ourselves for so long
And now taken takes courage
And though I'm afraid it's making me brave
Seeing you struggle to stay weak enough to be strong*

So I open myself to the thought
And the hope and the real
And the fact it could end
But I'm taking the chance
Cause I know if we don't
Then we might never find this again
And I know that we can't be alone
What we might be together
So I'll give you my best
For what's left of the rest of forever
I'm yours, forever I'm sure
As forever I've been
I said never again

But I open myself to the thought
And the hope and the real
And the fact it could end
But I'm taking this chance
Cause I know if we don't
Then we might never find this again
And I know that we can't be alone
What we might be together
So I'll give you my best
For what's left of the rest
I'll give you my best for
What's left of the rest of forever

The Rest of Forever -- Rhett Akins

Pay special attention to the portion between asterisks. I've been only able to count on me for so long. Loving again is not easy. Opening myself to the strongest love I have ever felt is a bit scary, but I know that if I pass on this, I may never find a love as strong as I think I've found now.

What I want --

I want to grow old with someone, as I wrote earlier. I know that a good, healthy long-term relationship has its' up and downs. I don't want expensive gifts or nice places to go, etc. I want to have someone that I love and care for that needs me, whether it be just for moral support or a friend, etc. I want someone who will tell me on a regular basis that I can do this and he will be there for me. I want to cheer for him, hold him, tell him that he's my man and he can do anything. Sounds cliche-ish but that's how I am. It made sense to me when I read that Pisces women are that way, that their man can do no wrong. I know that times get hard, but I want to know that I'm coming home to someone who believes in me and I in him. That's it in a nutshell.

No we don't have a lot of money
All we need is love (Zac Brown Band - Free)

Sounds like a cliche again, but I believe this. And i know that I can find this and it is attainable. As I continue working on the unhealthy mindsets that are blocking this, I know that I have an attainable desire and want. I want this so much, to be a part of a committed relationship like this. I know that life is a struggle, but I would rather struggle with someone than alone. And that's ok to feel... I know it is.

So these are my thoughts. Thank you for reading.

Namaste.