Pity Party Clean-up

My last post was a bit of a pity party, so I've decided to clean up, enjoy the rain, pray, meditate, watch a movie, crochet and study (i'm a multi-tasker 8D).

Things I'm thankful for...

1. my children and all they teach me
2. how far I've come and how much easier it is to be at peace within me
3. my awesome friends
4. a wonderful man who believes in me.
5. chocolate

I know I can be more at peace and sustain a happy countenance... I know I can, with God all things are possible.

8D

one of "those" days...

I'm having one of those days. Work was crazy, and I got a bit frazzled... I stayed in control and did well... But today, my internal anger was worse than it had been in weeks. I didn't act on it, and I really really worked to make sure that I wouldn't... I started examining past relationships... i get here sometimes, I start examining my past to ensure a better future. It can be good *to a point*. It's not good when I get in these moods... I see now something very profound... In most relationships I have been in, there are time constraints. That's just how it is when dating when you're a parent and have a job and now I'm in school, etc. That makes it easy to justify the lack of contact and such that you may have with someone... I'm not used to spending a lot of time with someone... I will be utterly honest that I still sometimes wonder if I'm healthy enough to embark on a longterm relationship... I feel this way at the moment... I don't want to hurt people... I know it can be said that I can expect too much at times... I think that may be true... I used to be codependent... This is something I've worked on for years. My strength is in me through God... I know I am strong enough. I am constantly growing and I can do this... The man I'm with now, we contact each other when we can.... I feel so completely loved. i see that this is important... in the past, i've felt neglected when I didn't have human interaction (not just in a relationship, people in general). In realizing I was neglecting myself, this has helped so much... This has helped me approach this new relationship in a much healthier light...

So, everything else is going well. The boys are doing well. School's going well. Orchestra is going well for them. They're growing so much 8D. School for me is tough and I'm tired. /sigh. But I'm hanging in there 8D.

Right now, I'm missing something though... I am just having a day, I know... This too shall pass.

Love and light to you all...

Intelligent Airhead

to those that are looking for a relationship

Dear Reader,
I want to speak to those who are sad and wondering if they will ever meet someone compatible with them that will work... I want to say a few things... Relationships can have their trials, but the huge elements needed for such an operation is that both parties are wanting to make it work. Healing and fixing oneself helps such a great deal. We are where we need to be... We all hear the songs and watch the movies that make love seem so simple... Part of it is and can be. So many thoughts and words that people have said to me in my past have come to mind... I am now in a love deeper and stronger than I've ever felt. I know this time, it may work out. I am in the understanding that it may not, and if that is to be so, I will be alright... The truth is, it can happen for you, dear reader, when you least expect it.

Don't lose hope.

Sincerely,
The Intelligent Airhead

Security

I now see that the security I was seeking in past relationships and in life in general doesn't exist. i should know this with the losses in my past more than most... But unfortunately, I have found myself compartmentalizing and wanting so much safety and stability. Many people have tried to give me that stability by telling me they would always be there, etc... But my dear friend's loss has shown me more than ever, since I am more able to see truths such as this, that we cannot obtain such safety in life. God has us and he is with us regardless. We will be ok. We must rest in Him... That being said, in opening myself once again to love, I know that it could end. It might... But I must try. And if this fails, I have my confidence and God's love to hold me... as I do in the good times and the bad... Such good truths there 8D.

becoming more peaceful...

It's pretty awesome, my coping techniques are helping a great deal. I'm moving on and working on living in the moment. I'm taking one day at a time... This is new for me, and definitely new for me in relationships... Yup, things are going well. 8D

Things are going well, but I'm so busy... Every other week in school, *everything* is due... And we have family coming into town this weekend... /sigh... I had been really good about staying on top of it, but things have been a bit tougher as of late...

I went to a Randy Rogers Band concert at western days alone last Friday. It was soooo much fun. I had a good time... I really like RRB. Reminded me of the first time that I saw them in concert at Billy Bob's Texas 6 years ago. I was alone then as well... So much more depressed though... I'm pretty excited about all the changes transpiring in my coping and in my demeanor... Good stuff 8D.