politics

Wow an interesting start to the DNC.. I kind of expected it. As a former Bernie supporter, I am sad... We all knew it, but having this to confirm it just makes it harder. Along with this, as well as the VP choice for Hillary, it just almost feels like they don't want my vote. They aren't listening to the Bernie supporters... I've been saying for awhile, Bernie just saying "Get behind Clinton" will not be enough for many supporters... There are other options other than the 2 parties. It's difficult because the stakes are high... Third parties have been blamed for the loss of numerous elections, and there is that concern... But what do people do when it feels like their views and thoughts are not even considered? I totally understand if you disagree with me, but i just had to get it out there. sigh... Unless they make Bernie a huge part of the campaign and hopefully a good spot inside her inner circle, I will most likely have to vote my conscience and go third party.

Judgement

We all do it. No one is innocent in this. We try, oh my goodness, do we try, but it's very difficult to be objective and observant without forming a critical opinion ever. We can be good about it at times, but I just think we all fall short. It's something I am all too aware of in me. I work on it regularly, but still fall short. This is human. Learning and bettering ourselves and sometimes failing.

One reason I have difficulty with the Christian religion and the subsets within it is judgement. Everyone seems to think they know what is best for our soul. We are supposed to all be placed within the same box and flourish. I will say in complete disclosure that I do believe in God. I believe in Jesus, but I work on an openness of spirit and utilize some Buddhist philosophies to grow in spirit. I feel like there are many ways we can flourish and still be within the beliefs of spirit and even in Christianity, if that is our choice.

I have been reading or watching videos, especially those talking about how some feel ostracized by the way Christianity (specific religious sects in mind) can be used to make some, spefically those in the LGBT community, to feel wrong, lost, and just in general not a part of God's plan. I have trsugged with this in a very strong way. My heart breaks for those who feel like they are not enough. I too have felt that in numerous religions for different reasons...

My thoughts are with those who find themselves in these situations. If we make a choice to be in the light, all are welcome. It's not a requirement of course. I find it can be a harder road, but it's not wrong. It may be where that person needs to be. We all have our roads and our thought processes to build upon, and who am i to think i know the right one? but, boy is that hard to remember sometimes.

To those who feel in such a dark place that they feel that the end of your life is inevitable, i may not know you, but i send love, light and prayers to you. You are loved and are cared for, even though you may not feel it. My heart breaks that you find yourself in this situation. Sometimes one foot in front of the other is all we can do. This life can be cruel, strange, difficult beyond all belief. Know that there is good here. Know that there is a reason for living. I don't know what it may be for you, but I know there is one.

May you be well, dear readers.

Fathers Day

I've had some rough Father's days in my time... My father died 16 years ago, just days after my second son was born. The pain for anyone is insurmountable... In ways, it broke me. I had such a brittle emotional foundation, that's taken years to build... and constantly still 8). It's hard not to hold onto the pain, which in a sense is my journey, most of our journeys, I think. Fathers day with no one there, just spending it alone can be terrible...

In years that I was single, my older boys usually spent it with their dad. So i would be alone, and sometimes that was good so I could just cry and cry, but sometimes it was just so lonely and I missed them and everyone so much more.

Today it was me and my 7 year old, because my husband's work made him work all day, and they gave the night off to a bunch of non-fathers (don't get me started). Our kiddo and me woke up early to make breakfast, and that was amazingly fun. I wanted to make sure they had some time together on this day. It was harder functioning today than it sometimes is. Just moving one step at a time and being happy and thankful for the time with my youngest was the best course of action 8) And it worked, but i had to fight tears hard today, harder than in awhile. And not the dainty tears, the horrible crying that just won't let up. Ugh. I'm so sad. This too shall pass.

It doesn't always get easier every year with grief, dear friends. It's a moving, ebbing and flowing force around us. We can control how we handle it, but it just comes and goes.

Life will go on and it will be ok. Just one moment at a time 8)

Be well, dear readers! (all 3 of you 8D)

The Messenger

I used to speak in song so much... I do so less, now that I find more happiness in life. Though there is that occasional song that just stops you in your tracks. It opens you up to feeling those very things you need to feel. This is a departure from everything most people think Linkin Park is, but I have to tell you, this song gives me so much peace. I thought I might share it with you, dear ones. Be well, my dear readers. all 3 of you 8D

                                       "The Messenger" by Linkin Park

When you feel you're alone
Cut off from this cruel world
Your instinct's telling you to run

Listen to your heart
Those angel voices
They'll sing to you
They'll be your guide
Back home

When life leaves us blind
Love keeps us kind
It keeps us kind

When you've suffered enough
And your spirit is breaking
You're growing desperate from the fight

Remember you're loved
And you always will be
This melody will bring you right
Back home

When life leaves us blind
Love keeps us kind
When life leaves us blind
Love keeps us kind

Ohhhhhh Ohhhhhhh!
Ohhhhhh Ohhhhhhh!
Ohhhhhh Ohhhhhhh!

Looking for ways to help..

I want to help so much... and i'm only able to do so much... So I really have to be careful in what I do and what I commit to... There's only so much time and energy...

So I will do what I can...

I need to do this for myself and for others in this situation. It can be super hard to find Type 1 diabetes information, especially not just centered towards children. I really feel led to find a way to bridge this gap for children who grow up to be adults with T1D and also adults that find themselves diagnosed in adulthood. (I was 34, I know crazy, right?) But this is so much more common than you might think...

There is information out there. It's just finding it 8).

I have the unique position of being diagnosed with two diseases associated with childhood, but was diagnosed in adulthood... (Epilepsy and T1D).

I plan on starting another blog... I know, I know... It's not much, but maybe that will help. Help me and even if it helps one person, that would be amazing!!

Love and Light,
Holly

Spirituality

It can be easy for me not to nourish the spiritual side of myself to the point that is wise... I do, and then sometimes, I just cruise and forget a bit... I think that can be human. We are trying to go back to church... All because our sweet 7 year old said we needed to... And that service was truly one of the most impactful of my life.

It helps and the strength within is just something I can't put into words. 8)


I can't promise we'll be there every week, but be there we will 8D.

Perspective

Perspective is a huge word. Wow, everyone has something going on. We all are human. We all hurt. We all ache. We all love.

We all have a journey. We all have pain we are working to overcome.

No matter how bad our situation is, there are others that are going through worse.

Constantly, I have challenges from life, God, Spirit, however you might characterize it. I will ask what do I work on next, I will get a sense of what to do and continue to work on it. It may be to smile more. It may be to observe my dealings with others rather than reacting. It could be anything. It may be different challenges that build upon one another or I might be jumping around. This is how I heal, how I learn, how I become a better me.

This week has been very intriguing. I have had a bad week healthwise. And I'm having trouble hiding it. I push myself to all extents and I just didn't have it anymore and several saw it. It's one thing for my family members to know some of the limits of this, but when it's pretty bad, things get harder. Tempers flare, frustration ensues, and that's for everyone. Perspective is very deep in this part in that we all are coming from somewhere, but we have to find out where. Our reactions are a road map to the problems, to the pain sometimes. It can be pain from many years ago or from yesterday. Healing those pains in ourself help us to react less to others pain.

I've been opening myself up to this lesson and something unexpected happened. There are those times when people you know have scary situations you never knew about. I feel thankful for what i do have. I am sad they are going through all they are going through.

And this leads us to a lesson for me this week. There's a friendly acquaintance of mine that i ran into twice this week. The first time was no biggie, but a bit unusual. believe it or not, i just don't run into people that much around here. I'll say that and then there will be a huge deluge. And that would be fine 8). We saw a sign for a garage sale with something at the bottom that indicated it was to raise money for a certain disorder. Being that someone in our family has the disorder, we went there and I was surprised to see it was her. The family member affected by this disorder talked with her and she felt really helpless before, so that was good. In addition, she shared a little more of what was going on and it just opened my eyes in a different way. We all need to help each other. But there's that line that we have to help ourselves and everyone has crap to go through (maybe i'm using the word crap because it's literal right now since our toilets are backed up again). But the thing is there is so much to deal with. And this dance of learning and growing and healing is what we call living.

As i am trying to open up to others about my trials, it helps to see someone else do so. It gives me strength. As we ebb and flow in this ocean we call humanity, there is peace and strength in numbers. There is peace in us, sometimes it only is here when we are all working together. That is a very comforting thought.

Reading, New Years Resolutions, etc

Well, I actually have (sort of) kept my New Years resolution so far...

I want to read 1 book per month.

I will start with a little aside... I have finished maybe 3 books in the last 18 months, since the Epilepsy diagnosis. My brain can be mush, so I forget a lot. I'm embarrassed by that, but it's also a fact. I can work with this. I can do this 8)

Soooo, I have been working on it, but didn't quite make it... So I read a comic book Saturday, lol... It was the first one of the Star Wars comics released early last year.

But, I did finish The Dance of Anger by Harriet Goldhor Lerner today. It's about how to observe our actions and how to see that anger is a road map for what we need to heal in ourselves. It really focuses on conflict and how our responsibility for our decisions is paramount. Anger is not a bad thing, but it can be more of a tool to help us be better and heal. I can't tell you how empowering this book has been. I bought it years ago, but wasn't quite ready for it... That's true with so much, I suppose 8)

I'm working on PS I Love you by Cecelia Ahern for February. This movie came to me at such a low time in my life. Though it was sad (in a sense, downright depressing), it gave me so much clarity for that time... What is true about everything is we are constantly peeling layers to deal with our past, our biology, our humanity, and everything else. Sometimes, it feels like we revisit the same lessons, but honestly, I think we get a little deeper everytime we revisit... That spirical motion is really how life is, as it is anything but linear. When I found this movie years ago (I saw it at the dollar theater alone), I feel it helped me continue to grow and make some huge changes in my life. I realized then and there how much I put into the thought of love for another that I had missed the love in and for me. I was able to gather the strength to realize I needed to let go of an unrequited love, but honestly it helped me with seeing more about the acceptance I wanted in many of my relationships, and how I had to better fill that for myself.  My thoughts on love, on life, were even more obscure. I was trying to put myself into a mold that just didn't fit to be the "right person" for someone else... I had done that before and it didn't work so well (ended in divorce). I was able to get so much out of that movie. The book is good, but since it is quite a bit different, it's a bit difficult to not feel let down by it so far, though it is a wonderful book so far in its' own right.

Update - It looks like I will finish PS I Love you tonight. over 500 pages in a day. It has been awhile since I've finished a book that quickly 8) I love the differences of this book versus the movie. Her interactions with her family are especially interesting, but after reading the Anger book, I see conflictual triangles in her life as well. But I thoroughly recommend it.

So here is my reading goal. I hope to stick with it!!

Life is hard

So much pain, so much heartache.
There is so much to deal with.
And the truth is -- there's a reason for this.
Life is hard.

It rolls on, even as we writhe in pain.
We hurt and ache and wonder why no one notices.
So often, friend, they do.
Unfortunately, we all have our pain to deal with...

I think that's hard for me sometimes. It's so hard to remember that.

Lately, I'm wondering how to keep on going while being cheerful at all times.
It seems to be too much.
And the truth is, we just can't always be happy...
We have to acknowledge our pain.
We must admit our fears.
This is so hard for many of us, myself included.

I do not even pretend to be perfect.
I'm learning every day.
Just like you, I fail and I work on it again for next time.
Sometimes I fail. Sometimes I succeed.
I am thankful for another day to keep trying.

Believe

So much pain is around us.
It's everywhere. We all have it.
No one is immune to bad things in life.
Sometimes, it feels like we're knee deep in the river or even drowning.
What do we do?
How do we cope?

There are so many answers to this question.
Everyone will have a different response.
Different times, we need to heal in different ways.
Some ways of coping are more effective.

What does your spirit need?
That can be such a tough question to answer...
Why? Because we often dont know.
Our hearts and souls are protected by anger and fear.
I realize my way of protecting myself is not healthy.


My spirit is restored by painting,
by feeling the paint on my fingers.
By healing as I create beauty.

Every breath is a blessing.
Every thought is a blessing.
Every chance to heal, even when we're hurt is a true opportunity to greatness.

8)

Peace and Light dear readers