The Light House

To all readers:
It has been some time since I have written a short story. I will later clean it up a bit with better grammar and punctuation. I just *had* to get this out 80)

So without further ado, I give you the Light House

As I tower far above the careening waves at the foot of the jagged cliff, I dream about the ghostly sailor in my mind. I wish for him, for his presence to be near me. He does not know of my feelings for him as he passes near the bay that I inhabit. I intellectually realize that we may never be, since I am the ghostly maiden of my lighthouse, which my spirit has encompassed, and he is human.

One dreary day, a storm blows in. I sense that he is near. I shine my light as bright as every inch in my being can muster. In my mind's eye, I can see his face. His expression changes to immense hope as he sees me. Safety is near! The waves crash heartlessly on the rocky cliffs above him.

In his heart, he maintains peace, that whatever happens, he will be okay. He feels at home on the ocean. Gilbert has been on the ocean since he was just a small boy. He has navigated the seas for many years. It is his home, where he lives. He is but a stranger on the land. It does not hold him as the sea does with her reassuring, subtle, though sometimes abrasive touch. Gil somehow always knew that he would die at sea, as he had lived.

Gilbert feels a kinship to the lighthouse that stands so tall and unassuming in Perinack Bay. She is blue with gray brick. Though she is not the newest or prettiest lighthouse, he is smitten by her sweet disposition on the shore, so strong yet unassuming on the harsh embankment. Her effervescence touches a part of his soul that no other lighthouse can find. He is unable to rationalize his kinship to her, but he feels a sense of peace when he is near her. Somehow, the sailor intuitively knows that they will share time, energy and even love, however impossible that my seem.

As the sailor is struggling through the storm, I watch the little vessel bobbing up and down upon the merciless waves. I hope and pray with all of my might, that he will be safe through this trial. Suddenly, an enormous wave looms before him and sweeps down, knocking him overboard. I intently watch for a sign of life. My foundation is rocked as I wait and wait.

The ocean stirs near where Gil went under the surface. A beautiful woman appears that sailors tell many tales about -- Anameria, the goddess of the ocean. She takes the sailor's lifeless body in her arms and his ghost emerges from it. I watch all of this with hope and anticipation. She tells him, "My name is Anameria. I have come to grant you the home of your wishes, since your love was my sea. You may choose any bay." He looks around in awe and tells her earnestly, "I have travelled over your waters for many years. The place I am most at home is here." Anameria looks up at the lighthouse, as she observes a figure coming down to the sea, where they are at.

Gilbert watches a beautiful woman floating toward him from the lighthouse. She is wearing a gorgeous, flowing blue dress. She has beautiful red curls cascading down past her shoulders to the small of her back. He has never seen a woman more beautiful in his eyes.

As I make my way toward them, Gilbert watches me in awe with a sweet smile forming and kind eyes that I have dreamed of since I first saw him. I tell him, "My name is Arriana. I would be pleased if you would like to share my lighthouse, my bay, and my heart."

He gently grabs my hand gently as I feel more peace and love than I ever thought was possible. He asks me, "Can I have this dance forevermore?"

I nod in my quiet, yet affirming way. And we danced upon the water as Anameria disappeared from sight. We danced and we will continue dancing and inhabiting the lighthouse for the rest of eternity. The happiness that we share in death, we both never knew in life.

And there are tales that if you look hard, sometimes a couple can be seen dancing along the waters of Perinack bay.

Dressing up

So it's been so long since I've had any interest in dressing up for Halloween. For the first time in a very long time, i work at a place that encourages this, so i thought it would be fun.

We had a costume contest as well. I wasn't planning on entering, but I did. I can be pretty shy in front of 200 people, but it was actually quite fun.

With the help of some friends (ty again Jay and Matt) to give me the pieces i was lacking, I made a pretty good Hermoine Granger.

This made me realize how much more out-spoken and unafraid I am these days. In a way, I used to be like this quite some time ago. I'm less afraid of pleasing people, and in that comes a new-found freedom.

It was pretty funny. I was actually wearing a Hufflepuff robe and some IT guys caught it. They forgave me, and that's a good thing too, in case i need any help with the new upgrade 80D

I didn't win the costume contest. There was a pretty believable Hannah Montana, but it was a great deal of fun 80D

The Mirage

I Had yet another huge epiphany yesterday. I let people only so close. I think many people might think they know me very well, but in part, that's a mirage. I am just starting to let people closer to me. This has been true these past few months. I want to let people in. Though they may hurt me, feeling is so worth it. I know i've touched on my lack of feeling in other blogs, but this brings it home. I am ready to let those who I trust in. That being said, it's imperative that i know that it's okay not to let everyone in. There have been a few people that I have allowed close, and please know that you have helped me in opening up. There's the occasional person that i cannot fool with my mirage, and I am thankful, because that is in essence one reason why I had this realization.

I think the mirage has a lot to do with the fact that I've been doing this for years, and it's become easy. Not knowing who i was also feeds into this. Knowing who I am and understanding me is so empowering.

It brings me to the Pink song "Love Song". Yet again, this song just hits me...

I would rather bleed with cuts of love than live without any scars.

I am to the point that I can say that with complete certainty and it feels amazing!

Confidence

As is often the case, I have a thought for a blog and it morphs into something that takes on a life of its' own. This is the main reason this is desultory randomness 80). Having a conversation is much the same, as I am desultory at best.

In thinking of my journey to where I want to be, I have come to confidence. Fear hinders confidence, so now that my fear is more bridled, confidence can't help but shine a light in me.

Sometimes, in taking a leap or step of faith, we stumble. I have recently done so. In doing this, I realize that true failure is not falling, it's failing to get back up.

The best thing to do is to hold my head high, and not be afraid. I have to try, even if I fail. If I fail, which we all do, then I can always be happy that I did my best and took a leap of faith.

My new theme song is Never Gonna Fly by Radney Foster --

You wanna feel the wind, you gotta take the ride.
You better dream big, you wanna touch the sky.
You can't be scared to risk it all.
You never gonna fly if you're afraid to fall.

Trying to fly is so exhilarating in that moment. The splat a few moments later can be disconcerting, however I can live with no regrets.

A short time ago, I blended in the background. I did not want to be noticed. Recently, Ive done numerous things that have brought me to the center of attention. I don't crave it, but I'm finding that it can be beneficial.

This brings me to Eminem --

Just as soon as I walk in, it's like all eyes on me
And so I try to avoid any eye contact
'Cause if I do that then it opens the door
For conversation, like I want that

This was me a short time ago.

Now I feel more confident in looking everyone in the eye (except when I'm embarrassed or hurt).

I feel like I can do anything I need to. I am so thankful for God's strength in all I do. I am also thankful for each one of you 80)

The Decision -- Written 7/26/2007

Thursday, July 26, 2007

The Decision Current mood: peaceful Category: Writing and Poetry As I gaze upon the path before me, I realize the depth of my decision. I peer at the challenges laid out before me. I ponder at what my life is to be. The decision I make may not make logical sense to all. It makes logical sense to me. And it is the decision that God has led me to. I call it the first decision of the rest of my life. My heart pounds as I look into the glory that is my Creator. I say the words I feel led to say. My heart beats with anticipation for the commitment I am making. I realize that my life will never be the same, only better. I look at the girl in the mirror and I see that the Lord has given her such beauty, Such strength and so many blessings to go forward in this life. There are trials and there are struggles, But this girl will make it through. My Lord, who is holding me up, is here and is with me as I declare my decision. I am a new creation.

Fear

Fear

I have a great deal of thoughts on this subject, as fear is an emotion that has riddled my life for a great deal of it.

I am going to ramble a bit and quote quite a few different sources in order to get my point across.

I realize now how much I have allowed fear to run my life. I have realized this for some time, and have been working on this for quite awhile, but I have recently had some huge breakthroughs that are already showing me how much peace I am able to obtain. I have a feeling this is just the beginning 80).

For many years, I have been afraid to let people in. Some people that I have let in, I only let them in so much. I am speaking of family, friends, and even God. This entire post does not focus on anyone in particular, but everyone that I am privileged to know. I put myself in a glass booth, and then wonder where everyone is. I realized that it's because I am afraid.


"Where God's love is, there is no fear, because perfect love drives out fear. It is punishment that makes a person fear, so love is not made perfect in the person who fears." I John 4:18

This verse brings me peace. I don't want to fear.

This verse also reminds me of Star Wars (remember -- Desultory randomness is the name of this blog - hehe).

Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering. Star Wars Episode 1

The fear of loss is a path to the Dark Side. -- Star Wars Episode 3

The fear of loss has scared me to the point of being frozen. I have been afraid that anyone that would enter my life would leave it. The truth is that they may. But I am so blessed for the time that I spent with them, no matter how long. Every friendship can and does teach me something and in so many ways, I am better for it.

This reminds me of the song "You move me" by Susan Ashton. Garth later covered it with her on background vocals.

Frozen solid with fear
Like a rock in the ground

But you move me
You give me courage I didn’t
know I had
You move me
I can’t go with you
And stay where I am
So you move me

I realize this song is about God or relationships, whichever way you might want to look at it. I have felt this way, frozen where I am at. Truly, there have been so many people that have moved me. The ultimate one is Heavenly Father. Then there are those that He has placed in my life that move me. A few that i place in this category might be surprised, but I am forever thankful for them and the ability to even know them.

Yoda speaks of fear in the above quotes. I feel that fear is negative energy that turns to anger, pain and woe. I feel this is why the Jedi Code forbids the attachment of love. Love can lead to that fear of loss.

Fear of loss -- something that I have wrestled with on many occasions. I recently had the realization that I was mad at Heavenly Father, because of all of the loss I have had in my life. I realize that it's not his fault at all. Loss happens in so many aspects, whether by death or divorce or paths of those we care for only paralleling ours for a time.

This was the major breakthrough in forgiveness, and now I feel so much freer and lighter.

This brings me to a song by Pink. In this song, I realize that she is speaking of romantic relationships, but I feel that this can be paralleled to all relationships and all sorts of types of love, whether it be family, friends, God, or a romantic involvement.

There's this well of emotions
I feel I must protect
But what's the point of this armor
If it keeps the love away, too?
I'd rather bleed with cuts of love
Than live without any scars
(Love Song by Pink)

I had been in a place for months where I didn't feel. that had lasted for months and months and even years. Actually in many facets of my life, I would say it has lasted for many years. This wall that I have built has kept so many chances for close friends from coming to fruition. I would say that I now have a bigger and stronger support system than I have had in years. When I heard that part of Love song, I got chills and realized that this is exactly what I was doing. I was attempting not to get hurt, so the positive feelings were kept away as well. Sure, I felt positive feelings, but only to a point. Vulnerability can be good.

Walls can be good as well. I realize that it's important to obtain a balance and not let everyone in, because this is a sure fire way of getting hurt. I have also done this. I sometimes have let anyone in, and ended up paying for it in so many negative ways. But this is not founded in fear. If we have a feeling that we don't want to be friends with someone, there could truly be a legitimate reason, and it is our intuition leading us to that thought.

This brings me to the lyrics of The Dance.
(from memory so please forgive me if it's not precise)

"And I am glad I didn't know
The Way it all would end.
The way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance.
I could've missed the pain.
But I'd ahad to miss the dance."

I don't want to miss this. The pain has taught me so much. Recently, i was thinking about regret. After forgiving recently, I realized that I am so thankful for my mistakes and for the road that I have taken, for all that I have learned. Now I feel that there's really very little I have come to regret, because it has created the woman that wrote this blog. These past few years and months have taught me so much about who I am and who I am becoming.

Thank you to everyone who read this far. I am amazed at the peace and love that I feel, and yet the balance that I have come to as well. I am glad for the blessings of the people i have known and the ones i know now.

80)

Shattered but Made Anew -- written on Oct 18, 2008

Shattered but Made Anew -- Oct 18 2008
Current mood: peaceful
Category: Writing and Poetry

The shattered pieces that I call my heart lie glistening on the floor.
They are but remnants of what was.
I thought it was over.
I thought that my soul would melt as my heart was broken.

But, alas, peace grew and melded my heart back together.
The same? No, not the same, but into a better mass than before.
She beats and she loves, as she never dreamed.
This peace that swells inside my heart is the product of my Heavenly Father.

This peace has been there and I have not tapped into it.
The pain is gone and the love of Christ remains.
I know that I am worthy and wonderful.
I am amazed by His presence and in awe.

Holly's Top 100 songs

I was looking for some music to match my mood several months ago. I wanted to find something a bit more jaded than what i was listening to. So, I started listening more to Bon Jovi (who has always been a favorite), Pink, The Who, Seven Mary Three, Goo goo Dolls, Kasey Chambers etc.

The strangest thing happened. In looking for the jaded, i found some of the most beautiful songs of hope and even love, and I really enjoy them. I look at my top 100 and see that there is so much more hope than was in there prior to my quest for the jaded songs... Very intriguing indeed.


There's also a bit less country than what used to inhabit this list.

100 Hero of the day by metallica
99 Angel by Aerosmith
98 One by Metallica
97 Seven Spanish Angels by Ray Charles and Willie Nelson
96 - Pony by Kasey Chambers
95 - Stand Still, Look Pretty by the Wreckers
94 What Might have been -- Little Texas
93 One Piece at a time by Johnny Cash
92 Ask me to Stay -- Casey Donahew Band
91 Walk away by Pink
90 Carried Away by George Strait
89 Where the Green Grass Grows by Tim McGraw
88 Ive been everywhere (in texas that is) by Brian Burns
87 - Beds are Burning by Midnight Oil
86 - I've Been Everywhere by Johnny Cash
85 Clouds by Montgomery Gentry
84 - Personal Jesus by Johnny Cash
83 - One in Every crowd -- Montgomery Gentry
82 - Who I am by Jessica Andrews
81 - We got it going on -- Bon jovi (cowritten with Big n Rich)
80 Goodnight Moon by Jack Ingram
79 - Run to you by Lady Antebellum
78 - Tainted love by Soft Cell
77 The River - Garth Brooks
76 - Only in my dreams -- Bon Jovi
75 - I remember you -- Skid Row
74 - Drift away
73 - I would by Jack Ingram
72 - Guitar Town - Steve Earle
71 - Wild as the Wind - Garth Brooks
70 Promises Broken by Soul Asylum
69 - Before I believe it's true -- Randy Rogers Band
68 - You were Always on my mind -- Willie Nelson
67 - Place in this world by Taylor Swift
66 Anymore by Travis Tritt
65 - Johnny and June by Heidi Newfeld (i think that's her name...)
64 The Sweater Song - Weezer
63 More than A memory - Garth Brooks
62 - Bargain -- the who
61 - White Horse by Taylor Swift
60 - A million Tears by Kasey Chambers
59 People are crazy by Billy Currington
58 - Bed of Roses by Bon Jovi
57 If i was your vampire - Marilyn Manson
56 Bat out of Hell by Meatloaf
55 I miss you with me by Randy Rogers Band
54 - Rollin by Big n Rich
53 - Hanging by a Moment by Lifehouse
52 - Lucky by Seven Mary Three
51 Runaway by Pink
50 - Bound for the floor - Local H
49 I drove all night by Roy Orbison
48 - Fifty ways to leave your lover by Paul Simon
47 Something I can Never Have by NIN
46 - Standing outside the Fire by Garth brooks
45 -- Wherever you will go -- The Calling
44 - Save a horse, ride a cowboy -- Big n Rich
43 - The Dance - Garth Brooks
42 -- Wild is the Wind by Bon Jovi
41 -- Halo by Beyonce
40 - Poison by Alice Cooper
39 - Calling Baton Rouge by Garth brooks
38 - My life would suck without you -- Kelly Clarkson
37 - Homeward Bound by Simon and Garfunkel
36 - I have seen the rain by Pink and her dad
35 - Whatever it is by Zac Brown Band
34 - Sweet Child of Mine by Guns N' Roses
33 - Paranoid like me -- Cowboy Troy
32 - If you Could Read my mind by Gordon Lightfoot
31 - She's so High by Tal Bachman
30 an unnamed Soul Asylum song :)
29 - Crazy for this Girl by Evan and Jaron
28 - Shameless by Garth Brooks
27 - American Pie by Don Maclean
26 - If I were you by Kasey Chambers
25 - In The End by Linkin Park
24 One thing by Jack Ingram
23 - Time after Time by Cindy Lauper
22 - A mother's smile by the Judds
21 - Maginificent Obsession by Steven Curtis Chapman
20 - Some Enchanted Evening - Ezio Pinza
19 - Open all Night by Bon Jovi (from the Bounce CD)
18 - Just a friend by Biz Markie
17 Life is a Highway by Chris Ledoux
16 - Leave me alone / Im lonely by Pink
15 - Little Wonders by Rob Thomas
14 - Carol in D Minor by Transiberian Orchestra
13 - More by Matthew West
12 - Please don't leave me by Pink
11 - B*tch by Meredith Brooks
10 - Seat next to you by Bon Jovi
9 - The Captain by Kasey Chambers
8 - It Can't Rain all the time - Jane Siberry
7 - Patience by Guns n Roses
6 - Winds of Change by Scorpion
5 - I'll be there for you - Bon Jovi
4 - Love Song by Pink
3 - Foolish Games by Jewel
2 - Con Te Partio by Andrea Bocelli
1 - Nobody's Hero By Bon Jovi

Astrology -- too much?

So when is the belief of astrology too much?

I think I've tripped upon this answer.

I think astrology can be a tool, an insight.

But, for me, it has become a stereotype. And I didn't even realize it.

Every once in awhile is understandable, but for me, I don't want to stereotype in this manner.

Astrology does not shape us. Childhood and so many facets of life do so.

Astrology definitely is a base, one facet of who we are, but it's not everything...

Just something I thought I would mention...

Some thoughts

I mentioned that i would write a blog regarding my ponderings and convos with friends and family. Not to get into conversations, but to say, I really understand now how far I have really come. I see who i desire to be, and that girl that I desire to be is attainable. I have so far to go, but i have come so far as well.

So much of this is contingent upon self-worth. I believe in myself more than I ever have. I am so thankful to my friends and fam for believing in me, whether near or far.

I have blogged on some of this, but I am now seeing that it's all coming together. Another key to this is balance. I will give you an example. A week ago, I really felt, but not too much. I have felt these emotions so many times, but it's been awhile since I have felt this way. I started crying tears of joy at a chick flick. It's been so long since I've done that. Yet, there are times that I feel too much. The key = balance. That tight rope that we all walk on and attempting to stay upright as we careen through life's obstacles.

I was fretting about some things regarding who i am the other night, and I prayed and I felt peace and a confidence that I have not felt in some time. This brings me to my spirituality. This has been a foundation in my life for quite some time. Regardless of what religion I may be in, I have a true love for Christ and I deeply believe. I think back to two years ago, and my border-line agnosticism, and I realize that I am so thrilled to believe.

I have been trying to figure out which religion I should be or stay, and at this point, I know that I must complete this journey of self-knowledge and completely know who i am, before I decide which religion I will stay.

I know many are worried, from many different walks of life. I thank you for your concern, but rest assured, I am working on it. All will be ok.

I love the person that I have become. It goes back to the song, "Stronger Woman" -- "Im gonna love myself more than anyone else..."

I am also seeing that balance can be essential in many facets of my life. Needing people is one of them. Lately, I have been shutting people out, and I have been for quite some time. The truth is I let people in more now than I used to. Few people really truly knew me long ago.

And now, more people know me, and I feel that this is in part because I have begun to know myself more in the last few years.

I am thankful to each and every one of you. I love who I am and there are so many awesome people in my life!!!

My deep thought...

I have been bettering myself and working on fixing issues within me, so that I may operate as a better person, like I long to become. I have discovered a flaw within myself that helps me to not care quite as much what others think....

Are you ready?

My self-worth is not contingent on what others think of me or how they treat me. That is their choice.

It doesn't mean I shouldn't be a nice person. But I don't have to bend over backwards, beyond where most sane humans would take themselves. I have taken myself past the point of self-sacrifice, which is ok at times, but when there's not enough for me or my children, that's not ok.

My choice is to live my life in a way that I am proud of.

I was just starting to understand to a better extent about not caring what others think, but this takes it to a whole new level.

I feel so free. It's as if the chains that bind me have broken, and a stronger Holly is now here.

I am hereby relinquishing my theme song. It was Not Pretty Enough by Kasey Chambers. I am going to post it one last time. Im not saying I'll never feel this way again, but I will do my best to ensure that it doesn't once again, become a way of life for me.


Not Pretty Enough by Kasey Chambers
Am I not pretty enough
Is my heart to broken
Do I cry too much
Am I too outspoken
Don't I make you laugh
Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me

I live, I breathe, I let it rain on me
I sleep, I wake, I try hard not to break
I crave, I love, I've waited long enough
I try as hard as I can

Am I not pretty enough
Is my heart to broken
Do I cry too much
Am I too outspoken
Don't I make you laugh
Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me

I laugh, I feel, I make believe it's real
I fall, I freeze, I pray down on my knees
I hope, I stand, I take it like a man
I try as hard as I can

Am I not pretty enough
Is my heart to broken
Do I cry too much
Am I too outspoken
Don't I make you laugh
Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me

Why do you see
Why do you see
Why do you see right through me
Why do you see
Why do you see
Why do you see right through me
Why do you see
Why do you see
Why do you see right through me
Why do you see
Why do you see
Why do you see right through me

These Pines by Kasey Chambers

These pines are not the ones that i'm used to
They won't carry me home when I cry
Am I too far gone to recover
Or can I turn if I try
Should I trade my soul for another
Should I stay and pretend that I'm happy
Like so many times before

Yeah these pines
Are not mine
They don't smell so sweet
like the ones in my mind
And I search the needles
'Til I run out of time
But I don't see you in These Pines.

Di I stumble or falter my words
When I'm saying everything is all right
I'm not one to release my depression
But these trees bring it out every night
Well i don't talk 'cos I'm trying to listen
To the wind take me home through these leaves
But it's quiet and don't hear nothing
Cos the wind doesn't blow through these trees

Broken by Lindsey Haun

This song is at the end of the movie, "Broken Bridges" (which was Toby Keith's movie debut.) The movie isn't my favorite but I love this song. When we're broken is when we grow strong. I find comfort in that, comfort that God is with us as we're going through the struggles.

Broken lyrics

Wake up to a Sunny Day
Not a cloud up in the sky
And then it starts to rain
My defenses hit the ground
And they shatter all around
So open and exposed
But I found strenghth in the struggle
Face to face with my troubles

When you're broken
In a Million little pieces
And your tryin'
But you can't hold on any more
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believin' in your self
When you're broken

Little girl don't be so blue
I know what you're going through
Don't let it beat you up
Hittin' walls and gettin' scars
Only makes you who you are
Only makes you who you are
No matter how much your heart is aching
There is beauty in the breaking
Yeah

When you're broken
In a Million little pieces
And your tryin'
But you can't hold on any more
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believin' in your self
When you're broken

Better days are gonna find you once again
Every piece will find it's place
When you're broken
When you're broken

When you're broken
In a Million little pieces
And your tryin'
But you can't hold on any more
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believin' in your self
When you're broken
Oh When you're broken
When you're broken
When you're broken

haven't posted much...

I have had numerous realizations and several wonderful ideas for blogs, but they have yet to be written and are still bouncing around in my brain. Suffice it to say, I have had some great realizations about life and worrying and fear. I tend to worry more than I ought to at times. It sometimes causes me so much angst, that I freeze with fear, but then I commence worrying about worrying. This week has been better. One day at a time. Prayer really is helping with this, which is a good thing.

On another note, I got a new job. I start in a week and a half. It's not in the banking industry, and though the banking industry has taught me a great deal, I am excited and a wee bit nervous about this new opportunity. I will be working at a hospital business office.

My kiddoes are so amazing. They were with me this Easter and we had a blast. Saturday was pretty restful, but Sunday, we saw their grandparents (former in-laws) and my aunt and uncle. Fun was had by all. 80)

I am so blessed with so many positive aspects in my life.

Our Staycation

So the boys had spring break, and I got the week off from work. We had a great week, but Im exhausted 80). This week, I also had my birthday, but I saw different people all week for it, so it was somewhat of a birthday week 80).

March 13 - Went to get the boys and we just relaxed when we got to the apt.

March 14 - I had to work, so their morning was in Arlington, but that afternoon we just relaxed as well. I got an awesome birthday present! I adore music, and I got an mp-3 player from my boyfriend. Such an awesome gift for the Holly. 80)

March 15 - Mary, Steve, Beth and Sam came over and stayed for awhile. We played Guitar Hero, Rock Band and some other games. We had a great time. They brought me Cadbury eggs (my favorite candy of all time. Ive even tried to make some at non easter times to stop my craving) herbal tea, and sweeteners along with cranberries (another holly fave).

March 16 - another day of rest 80)

March 17 - We went to Fair Park with Jamie (former mother in law and my boys' grandma - yes we're still friends). We took the train and then the bus. I haven't been on a dart bus much, and we ended up waiting at a stop in East Dallas for 23 minutes on the bus. The boys had fun with the train though. We had a lot of fun at the museum of natural sciences (the former science place) as well as The museum of science and natural history.

March 18 - We saw my sister at Jason's Deli and I got my gift from her. I got a Burt's bee gift set as well as an aromatherapy pack in the shape of a bunny 80).

March 19- My bday - We went to the Stockyards with Jamie. It was a blast. I think the kiddoes enjoyed the fair more, but the Stockyards was so much fun. We also went into Billy Bobs texas, since you can look around during the daytime for $1 as adults and kids are free. I was like a kid in a candy store. I love love love country music, and I have been to Billy bobs but only for concerts, so it was quite busy both times. We looked at the guitars and hand prints and we danced on the dance floor. My kids are about as good of dancers as their momma. 80) We looked at some of the shops until my migraine was just too bad to ignore. We were all getting tired. I watched American Idol and the results show while the kiddoes played with their grandma. we walked down the trails for a bit, so that was fun too. after dinner, we had cake that she got for me. It was a blue cake with butterflies all over it. Someone knows me well 80) Blue is my favorite color and i love butterflies. all in all, i had a great birthday despite my horrible migraine.

March 20 - We went to the Outdoor Learning Center trails with Jamie. For the planoites, you will most likely remember the Outdoor Learning Center. It's also the home of some of Mr. Dunlap's creatures. I was wondering if he was still working for PISD, and he is. He drove up when we parked and asked if we had the bunnies. We looked at him like he was crazy and he realized that we didnt have the bunnies. He asked if we were going to walk the trails and he said to enjoy them. I asked if he was Mr. Dunlap, and at first he said no (jokingly) then he said yes. I told him, "I remember you." He said, "Don't tell me that I came to your kindergarten." I said, "actually, yes." He thanked me for reminding him of how old he is. It was funny. We had fun on the trails. My oldest, Tristan, got scared of flies and butterflies. They are not outdoorsy. I enjoyed it so much. We got lost but it was still an adventure. It reminds me of how much I miss hiking. For lunch, we had Tinos Too. It has been so long since I've been to Tino's and they have some of the best Mexican food imnsho. It was so yummy and my goobers enjoyed it too.

We went to my aunt and uncle's house to see them. We all went to Houston Elementary. My uncle and I, geography buffs that we are - though he is much better than I am, were criticizing the incorrect portions of the huge map of the USA. it was fun though. We named all the states. The kids kept asking of the different ones. Im sure glad for the geography apps on facebook 80) . We played on the playground too, but Avery really enjoyed the map of the US and so did I. Tristan really liked the playground 80) .

So, this weekend, we are recouperating 80) I am exhausted.

But this has been a great, great week, the best birthday week i have had in quite some time.

The Velocity of Love

I have been thinking about my outlook on love and trust (those fundamental glues of relationships.) I don't just mean romantic relationships, but I also mean any relationship that we are in, whether it is our friends, kids, family, or a romantic relationship.

This particular post on love can be more likened to dating relationships, though there are truths in this for all relationships, I feel.

I don't trust easily anymore. I guess that's due to years of so much turmoil for so many different reasons.

So when I start to trust more and open up and grow to respect a person more and more, and love grows incipient, I sometimes panic. After panicking, I commence the velocity test.

The velocity test can be likened to skydiving. (Now I'm writing a blog paralleling love with something I have never done, so if I say anything ignorant about skydiving, forgive me. 80) I couldn't think of a better reference than this, and I'm too lazy to research skydiving in order to write a blog 80)).

In this theory, the person one is dating and me jump out of the singledom plane, pass through the dating clouds. At most points, I am looking over in order to see how fast the other person is falling. This would be likened to falling in love. At the point of falling in love, we open up our parachutes. There have been a few times that I have splatted on the ground in the velocity test. But that's okay. 80) There have also been times that we have opened up our parachutes a little close to the airplane. It wasn't pretty.

So in the velocity test, I tend to watch what the other person is doing, how fast they are falling etc, to guage whether I should trust them or open up.

So these are my thoughts on love and how I look at it. It helps, and the velocity test can be very beneficial. 80)

The cute things kids say

I try to write these fairly often so I will remember the awesome things my boys say.

Yesterday, Avery asked me, "How do you have friends?"
Rofl! Does that mean that it doesn't seem like i should have friends? lol. It was so funny.

Today, Avery asked, "How is your hair?"
Well, dear, it was good the last time i asked it 80).
Then he said, "it's long. You need to cut it."
My kids speak their mind. I don't know who they got that from at all 80)

Tristan and I were talking during Avery's basketball practice.
Tristan was pretending to be a tyranasaurus rex and I was begging him not to eat me. He had me stand up, and he said, "Youre too skinny. I only eat people with meat on them." So this is a good thing, I wasn't eaten by the tyranasaurus rex, this time 80).

Gaslight

So, as some may know, I love classic movies and books, alike. So, now that I have additional tv channels, I have enjoyed catching some classic movies. I caught Gaslight in its entirety. I have seen it before, but I forgot how much I loved it. Ingrid Bergman is in this movie, as well as the debut of one of my favorite stars, Angela Lansbury. She was 19 at the time.

If you like black and white movies, and you see Gaslight coming on, just give it a try. It's such a good movie. Ingrid Bergman won an Oscar for her very believable performance. Since I recently had to explain who Ingrid Bergman is, she was also in Casablanca. I was at a loss when I had to explain what Casablanca is.

The funny thing is that the premise for Gaslight is the premise for 1/4 of the Lifetime movies available. 80). Maybe not that many, but it's close. I was watching Mind Games, and that is the same exact premise. Don't get me wrong, I love Lifetime movies as well. It's just funny how some of the same classic plots get redone over and over.