Thankful

What's the best time to do a gratitude journal? When we're not feeling so hopeful. So here goes 8)

1. I'm so thankful to see my boys in an hour. I've missed them so and I love them with all my heart.

2. I am thankful for my amazing friends and family who remind me constantly that I am cared for.

3. I am thankful for my job.

4. I am thankful for the peace within, whether big or small, that tells me that I can do anything I set my mind to. Thanks to my mom for always saying that 8) miss you

5. I am thankful for all that I've been given. 8)

Gluten free -- or close 80)

Howdy all,
About a month ago, I decided to go gluten free(eliminating wheat gluten at this point) for a variety of reasons. I have been researching it and gluten can be tied to complications with autism, fibromyalgia, diabetes, weight-gain, migraines, irritable bowel syndrome, etc. And I felt in my heart, that gluten is something that's causing my family (me included) definite issues.

As I just started to cook meals here and there gluten free, I noticed a huge change in all of us. Gluten makes us moody. 80) I've read this, but we're definitely seeing that in our case too...

I'm not militant with it at this point. If I go to a friend's house, I'm not going to require gluten free cuisine... (i may be getting gluten in sauces or flavor mixes) but I'm definitely working on it...

It's so much easier than I thought it would be. Maybe why I'm sticking with it after 1 month.

Also, I have found that there *is* gluten free chocolate out there. I know this may not sound like a big deal, but this way, we can have our cake and eat it too!

there are soooo many gluten free meccas on the web, but here are a few that I highly recommend for recipes, tips, etc

http://gingerlemongirl.blogspot.com/2008/02/successful-gluten-free-master-baking.html

All recipes has a fairly good selection as well.

http://glutenfreegirl.com/

There are so many more as well...

Once I found a place to get the flours (a good friend and her fam took me to an Asian market, which has tons of starches for a great price...), i felt much more comfortable with it all. Also, i'm grinding my own rices and nuts into flours and meals.

People keep asking me if it's expensive. The answer is Sort of and it can be... To me, it's not much difference, because I make most things from scratch. Before this, I was making my own bread, pasta, etc... We don't eat a lot of ready-made foods at all. I'm finding that many of the recipes I try, taste just as good or even better than their gluteny counterpart... A sidenote - Have you ever noticed that gluteny and gluttony are very close together? 80) Just a bit humorous... But back to how much it is -- I'm seeing that I'm spending more money on flours to get started, but I have 4 pounds of rice flour so I'll be good for awhile (this is the flour I reach for most right now...)

As far as eating out, it's not as bad as you think. I'm still to the point that I completely cheat sometimes when eating out... I don't eat out super often at all (once every two weeks or therabouts...) but when I do, it's very tempting not to get fried chicken, etc. I'm working on it, and I'll work on my self control...

My boys are gluten free about half time, but it's already making a difference.

I'm also finding my vegetable intake is increasing. Vegetables and fruits naturally don't have gluten... So why not eat more of them? It's going really well...

I'm really excited all in all... I have a tendency to start things and not follow through early on... But I've reached the hardest part for me in a diet, which is the first two weeks, and I'm still going strong...

I feel so much healthier going gluten free and the boys are giving me positive feedback as well 80)

Thanks for listening!
Namaste.

Reflective Chica

I'm feeling pretty reflective at the moment (may day may day!!!). This usually means trouble, if you haven't already figured that out. But reflectiveness can be productive. I'm thinking of someone who I worked very hard with to have a good relationship... my mom. In a way, I want to say exactly what I'm thinking... But I won't air out the intricacies of my fam's dirty laundry out into the open. Suffice it to say, I finally understand a great deal of the pain that she endured. I really do as much as I can at this time. I miss her and I really wish she was here right now. It's one of those days that I wish that I cherished the time that I took for granted. We live and we learn...

So I want to turn this into a list of blessings....

I am so blessed to have had 2 wonderful parents. We definitely had our hard times, but we became truly close before...

I am very blessed to have my children. They are my life. I am so thankful for their inquisitive nature. They are so amazing!!!

I am so blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life!

I am so blessed to have a good job and wonderful hobbies!

Next!

I'm done with the afghan!!! Woot. Before starting my oldest son's crocheted afghan, I need a break. So I shall knit a bit 80)

Next up -- A yoda sweater 80)

Why I run and Can I stay?

I run because I can.
I run because I'm scared.
I run because you can't catch me,
and my emotions run with me.

I run because I know how.
I run because that's all I can do;
When I see love, I run from it
Whether fake or true.

I run because I can't tell the difference.
I run because I have these pretty running shoes.
I run because I dare to.

Can I stay with you?
Will you take my shoes?
I want to give them to you.
You can place them in a far away place.

My running days are done.

Valentine's Day -- Spiritual thoughts included

This weekend, at my sons' basketball games, they have devotionals at half-time, as they participate in faith-based sports. One of the devotion-givers said that John 3:16 is the ultimate Valentine...

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, so that whosoever shall believe in him, shall not perish, but have eternal life. John 3:16

This is God saying 'Be Mine', just like those conversation hearts many of us partake in... I have been thinking about this for two full days.

The Lord loves each us so very much and He believes in each and every one of us.

I decided this morning that I would have a wonderful Valentine's day. And the truth is, I have. I have so many wonderful friends and my sister, who made sure I felt loved today.

I used to hate this holiday, knowing it wouldn't be one of my dreams. But what is the ultimate Valentine's day? Sweets and flowers are fleeting... But Love from God is forever... And the people He strategically places in our lives is amazing. He knows exactly what we need 80)

This day is now one of my dreams. I feel so loved and so blessed by my friends, God, and the joy I feel within.

What helped me have a good day is the new outlook I am utilizing in my life. That's another blog 80)

Huge happy moment!!!

My youngest struggles with what to say and how to explain what he wants or needs. This weekend, he told me he didn't like whipped cream on his crepes. He likes crepes but not with the whipped cream sitting on it. So exciting!!!!! He is coming so far. I am so incredibly proud of my guys 80).

Wip -- Afghan and to Frog or not to frog -- Ribbit

This is my boyfriend's afghan so far. The strands that are loose are needing to be sewn in. The projected length is 72 inches finished. Thus far, I have completed 59 inches. The projected width is 54 inches, of which 51 is now completed.


This afghan is being completed in single crochets across. The idea behind the colors and amount of rows is asymmetric. Basically, I have no pattern for the amount of rows or which order the colors go in. I am going by the feel of how many rows I want each color in and it's partially being dictated by how much yarn of each color I currently have.


Now onto Frogging... Frogging in crocheting and knitting is basically undoing it, unravelling your project back to before the problem arose. In this case, I failed to measure across every few inches. So after about 50 inches, I realized that the top of the afghan is 8 inches less than the bottom. Oops. The issue is I would have had to frog half of the afghan, which would have wasted over 40 hours of hard work... So my solution was to crochet up and down the afghan to even it out. slip stitches and single crochets for the ok portion of the afghan and hdcs and dcs for the remaining portion... This is depicted in the photo below.



I feel like I'm really coming along on the afghan. I hope to have it done by the end of February at the latest...

The Cynical Romantic and what I want

My name is Holly and I'm a cynical romantic. (group -- Hi, Holly)

When I was young, I would categorize myself as a hopeless romantic. I thought that those stories of movies and books were true. That Prince Charming would come along, sweep me off of my feet and life would be grand. I always put a lot of stock into having a relationship, since my teens anyway. I thought I wasn't good enough, that only the good people got that. Of course, what took me years of living to realize is that life isn't a fairy tale, relationships are a great deal of work, and what is stunting my realization of healthy relationships is my lack of self esteem. Truthfully, life in itself is a great deal of work. Being emotionally and fiscally responsible is not easy and is an ever-constant part of life. The ironic portion of my former hopeless romantic state is that my favorite movies, books and plays aren't the average Prince Charming tales... The Phantom of the Opera and Beauty and the Beast top my favorites list. They did even then, which is kind of screwy if you think about it... When I was a teenager, I thought that once I found a man, everything would be alright. My life settled into this pattern for awhile. When this happens, I'll be happy. What took me years to realize and I'm still learning lessons in this, is that life is what we make it. Happiness is a state of mind, not a destination.

I started learning many truths when my awesome good friend started to help me with some of these lessens about 10 years ago. It took me a long time and a lot of trials to realize exactly how to go about changing. I felt like a victim, that life happened to me, not that I'm living it. Now, I know that I have so many choices each day, and it is my blessing and option to choose either way. If/ when I make a mistake, I receive the joy of learning from it 80).

I have had failed relationships galore and I have learned a lot about what I want and what I don't. What's amazing is that I feel on the cusp of receiving what I want and desire, and it's exciting, awe-inspiring, and a bit frightening. My issue in the past and in the present is being honest with what I want to myself and others, while saying it in a healthy manner.

To those in situations that I have depicted or close to that, please know that you are not alone. You can do this. If I can, you can. God will see us through. Don't lose hope. As Cory Morrow eloquently sings, "Love finds, love finds everyone." And I believe that with all of my heart.

I have a tendency to put up my walls around myself and my heart in order to protect myself. To a certain extent, walls can be healthy. However, when they consist of 348 booby traps, land mines and an impossible maze, it is not conducive to having healthy adult relationships of any sort, whether romantic, friendships or even the mother/ son bond. My changes in my feelings and thoughts have strengthened my relationship with my children more than I could have ever fathomed and our relationship is growing stronger all of the time. .

In the last few years, I have realized that my view on romantic relationships is completely out of whack. I idealized romantic relationships, not to the point of my youth, but still to the point where what I thought I wanted could not be attained. It was impossible. One way to explain this is my favorite way -- song.

"She's a lady down on love.
She needs somebody to gently pick her up.
She's got her freedom,
Yet she'd rather be bound
To a man that would love her and
Never let her down" (Alabama)

Talk about impossible. Let's focus on the last two lines... A man loving her, that's doable of course, provided that she sees herself worthy of love, which I now do. But never letting her down? This is what I wanted until a very short time ago. People will let us down. We are all imperfect, and what I was wanting, to never be let down, was completely unrealistic.

I want to grow old with someone. Until I have that, I am now completely enthralled with the idea of just being with my sons, dating a wonderful man, and doing what I can to make my life less dramatic and better for all of us. My issue with this is I get into my "Holly-silo." What I mean by this is that I get so independent, I once again don't let anyone in. That is something that I am actively working on, attempting to be open enough to let others in, yet independent enough to go it alone for as long as necessary.

This brings me to my next song reference. However the whole song is completely relevant, so it is being posted.

He hurt you, she hurt me
Now trust doesn't come so easily
Love isn't the fairy tale it was before
So we're careful, cause we're fragile
We both realize some caution is wise
But we won't really love
'Til we're not scared to hurt anymore

So I open myself to the thought
And the hope and the real
And the fact it could end
But I'm taking the chance
'Cause I know if we don't
Then we might never find this again
And I know that we can't be alone
What we might be together
So I'll give you my best
For what's left of the rest of forever

*You need me and I need you
Sharing again isn't easy to do
We've only been able
To count on ourselves for so long
And now taken takes courage
And though I'm afraid it's making me brave
Seeing you struggle to stay weak enough to be strong*

So I open myself to the thought
And the hope and the real
And the fact it could end
But I'm taking the chance
Cause I know if we don't
Then we might never find this again
And I know that we can't be alone
What we might be together
So I'll give you my best
For what's left of the rest of forever
I'm yours, forever I'm sure
As forever I've been
I said never again

But I open myself to the thought
And the hope and the real
And the fact it could end
But I'm taking this chance
Cause I know if we don't
Then we might never find this again
And I know that we can't be alone
What we might be together
So I'll give you my best
For what's left of the rest
I'll give you my best for
What's left of the rest of forever

The Rest of Forever -- Rhett Akins

Pay special attention to the portion between asterisks. I've been only able to count on me for so long. Loving again is not easy. Opening myself to the strongest love I have ever felt is a bit scary, but I know that if I pass on this, I may never find a love as strong as I think I've found now.

What I want --

I want to grow old with someone, as I wrote earlier. I know that a good, healthy long-term relationship has its' up and downs. I don't want expensive gifts or nice places to go, etc. I want to have someone that I love and care for that needs me, whether it be just for moral support or a friend, etc. I want someone who will tell me on a regular basis that I can do this and he will be there for me. I want to cheer for him, hold him, tell him that he's my man and he can do anything. Sounds cliche-ish but that's how I am. It made sense to me when I read that Pisces women are that way, that their man can do no wrong. I know that times get hard, but I want to know that I'm coming home to someone who believes in me and I in him. That's it in a nutshell.

No we don't have a lot of money
All we need is love (Zac Brown Band - Free)

Sounds like a cliche again, but I believe this. And i know that I can find this and it is attainable. As I continue working on the unhealthy mindsets that are blocking this, I know that I have an attainable desire and want. I want this so much, to be a part of a committed relationship like this. I know that life is a struggle, but I would rather struggle with someone than alone. And that's ok to feel... I know it is.

So these are my thoughts. Thank you for reading.

Namaste.

I believe

I have had a very good year in so many ways. I am so blessed and I see life in a completely different light. It's a struggle to stay positive and be who I want to be, but I see it now.

I am so thankful for all of the blessings in my life. I have a wonderful, eclectic, and loving group of friends and two wonderful boys that are my family.

I started growing up emotionally about 10 years ago. It's been a major struggle, but I am learning daily. This past year has been quite an education and has been packed with so many lessons.

I believe in me.
I believe in God's ability to make the hopeless seem hopeful.
I believe in His ability to bless us in the least likely ways.

With everything I do, I know that I can do this.
I can be who I long to be and not have to worry about pleasing others every second of every day.

It's something I'm still working on, but I'm getting there 80).

My Craftiness

For Christmas, I received a sewing machine!!! Yay! So in addition to my crocheting and knitting, I now have sewing projects too 80) heehee.

These projects should keep me busy until close to Christmas. Hahaha. 80)

My wips (works in progress) in no particular order

1. Yoda sweater(k)
2. blanket for my boyfriend (c)
3. apron(s)
4. 20 pairs of socks (s)
5. Avery's blanket (huge knitting with size 50 needles)
6. cardigan designing and prototype (c)
7. jeans refashioning

To do:
1. Yoda sweater part deux
2. 2 pairs of fingerless gloves (undecided)
3. pair of socks (k)
4. dress (s)
5. hat
6. gloves
7. Tristan's blanket

Wish list
1. pair of leggings for me.
2. camisole
3. infinity dress for me