one step forward

"and two steps back, you never get too far like that..." Thank you, Desert Rose Band, for singing a song about my life. Hehe, really it's all of us. Sometimes, we do a bit of a dance, in bettering ourselves and in healing. I try so hard to keep it together, but I really find that when I try to make everything work, and I'm not honest about my concerns, everything blows up in my face. God is good and I have forgiving people in my life, but I guess I'm more frustrated at me than anyone else is.

I have to forgive me too. I have to love me, because it's hard when someone is dissing on us all of the time, even if it's us 8).

More thoughts to follow, but God is good, blessings are amazing, and His peace fills the cracks of this imperfect soul.

Facing life headon...

Well, I'm facing life headon, don't know how well at the moment. I see the light on the other side of the tunnel and it's not a train, so that's a great thing... I stole a saying from a NPR pledge drive... 8D. Dave is helping me a great deal with this situation, and I am inherently grateful for that. 8)

Sometimes I want more from people than they have or they can give. This is true for people in my past, some family members and people all over my life. I am working on this in having more realistic expectations. It is difficult sometimes. Sometimes, all I want is someone to tell me they could have done better. I could have done better in many situations, so there's that as well.

This is a lot to think about and meditate on 8D

Butterfly!

The Butterfly and her persona have obsessed me and maybe even epitomized me for numerous years now. When I decided to change and continue to grow on this journey of life (Thank you, my dear friend Mary for helping me decide to do so) about 15 years ago, I had no idea where the journey would take me. I just knew I couldn't be exactly like my mom. I think my mom felt the same in ways and I see the changes she made in herself.

I want to be honest and say here that while I wasn't aware exactly who I was, so I couldn't in good faith pick an ideal mate to match my ideals, since I was floundering, I have also changed in a great deal of ways. Some of the people in my past are nice people and I am thankful for their time in my life, because I certainly learned about myself, life, and relationships, I see that I was so flawed as well. I had a cracked foundation even last year before more of my metamorphosis.

I was so passive aggressive and so angry in a sense, I didn't put my best foot forward. I tried. Oh boy did I try, but I didn't have good coping skills, so I often fell short. I am in the process of forgiving myself for all of the people I hurt, and I don't just mean within significant other relationships. I have hurt many friends as well. I am bettering myself, and many friends have forgiven me, so I am thankful for that.

I see now as well that choosing someone who is open to who I am and who I am open to sharing my idiosyncrasies with is so pivotal.

the truth is I wanted to change and be better for me and my family before, but last year, when I didn't like who I saw in the mirror, it was such a different view of me. I want to be truly proud of the girl that stares back at me. I am now. I really am 8D

Proud

I am one thankful woman right now.

I am thankful for my children, my family, and all that I have.

I am so thankful for D. His love and understanding mean so much to me.

I think something is interesting. I have wanted a boyfriend that has a family that would accept me. It wasn't the forefront of what I wanted, but it was a definite plus. And D's family accepts me fully and it's such a nice feeling. That hole within my heart is now filled and I am so thankful for that. They accept the boys fully as well and it's really good for them too. I am so thankful for his fam.

I am thankful for my 3.46 GPA, though I want to raise it, lol... I know, I might be a tad bit of a perfectionist.

I am thankful for the butterfly... The constant symbol that reverberates in my life... Change is constant, thus the butterfly reminds us it can be a beautiful process.

I am thankful for my mission, to become a nurse, and hopefully do something with diabetes in some way.

I am thankful to be preparing to prepare for the JDRF walk. Yeah, i need to train for that 8D.

I am thankful for meditation and the blessings it brings.

I am thankful for the Blogosphere. These words are mere syllables within my brain until they are on the screen and hopefully helping others 8D

Ultimately, God's love is forever in my heart and my wavering and painful refusal of His love caused much pain in my life. I am forever His child and I am in very capable, loving Hands.

A relationship (its' development, process, and growth)

begins and is strengthened when life happens. I think about that sometimes. I used to think that a relationship would just happen, but the real fun is the day to day in and  out of it is where it's at. Not the beginning where someone is attempting to woo you and then they leave... It's not that at all 8D. When I think it can't get any stronger, we resolve something and it's renewed. This is a beautiful, evolving, loving relationship and I am blessed to be a part of it.

I was thinking a bit about my first marriage. I don't regret it, as I don't regret my children, and it helped me learn more about human interaction. But I am thankful to my ex. I know, huh? I'm thankful he left. The life I am living and the opportunities in front of me are vastly different and better for myself and my children. I am so thankful for the opportunities before me. I feel so thankful and so blessed and so at peace with life and its' ups and downs. That's quite a change as well and it's seeping into my life more and more. I can't stop the spread of peace in my life and I don't want to do so 8D. The peace is intoxicating, filling the tiny cracks and crevices of my very soul.

Breathing and Existing

Meditation is a beautiful gift. It is also quite powerful. The amount of hurt and pain I am dealing with and growing from in my past is just amazing. Dealing with the un-named situation is much easier with breathing and peace that fills me up upon meditating.

God wants me to be alive.

I have been thinking about this.

I wasn't supposed to be born. The doctors were quite sure I wouldn't live through delivery, but I did.

So many little things happened throughout my childhood, whether pressed upon me or self-inflicted - I lived.

I have had diabetes for an undisclosed amount of time -- I lived.

I am growing and healing and therefore a better person and a better mom and girlfriend, etc.

I think about the blessings that God gives us and impresses upon each one of us. I am so blessed. We learn so much from Him, whether we realize it or not.

There is a certain degree of peace in that.

I exist because God allows me to.

I must decide whether I want to truly live. I have been living for several years now. I am so glad and I'm living more and enjoying more and more each day.

I am thankful for my family and my friends. I love my boys. The love that surrounds me is so peaceful and healing. I love my boyfriend so much and I never thought I would feel this way. I had given up hope of feeling this way. I love the fact I wake up to someone breathing next to me. That feeling is something intoxicating and healing within me. I thought the love I have found was elusive to me, and yet love is seeping through my once calloused heart.

Healing

My heart aches as I think of you. I know you ached and I think you still hurt. I feel you around me, showing me the best way to live. I see your infectious smile in my head when I close my eyes. As memories of my childhood flood my conscious mind, I see a source of your pain. I forgive you. I love you and I will always love you.

So many thoughts... update - May 13

I am so thankful for so much. I am so blessed to be at peace in my heart, but I am trying to keep it there. My heart goes out to the tornado victims. I am keeping them in my thoughts and prayers.

School is out and I'm trying to get caught up on some very very overdue gifts 8D. I will get there.

I may do summer school this year. That is still up in the air.

Some of my childhood is unfolding, and while I will publicly say little more than that, I feel a relief and some peace in getting through this.

Healthwise, i am definitely hanging in there. The past few days have been a bit better.

My boyfriend, his son, his grandpa and me went to Wildflower Festival yesterday. Robert Earl Keen was playing and it was so amazing. I hadn't been to that particular festival before, so it was so much fun to enjoy. We decided to go to that a few months ago, even before plans for Branson were made for April. That was a blast too. I had a great time ziplining and spending time with my boyfriend and his family. It was my first out-of-state vacation in numerous years. I really enjoy Texas country so much. REK was on my concert bucket list. Someday, I will actually make that list 8D.

change back?

As is often the case, when we try to make changes for the positive, we get the "change back push-back". For me, this has ended more than a few relationships... "sorry, i liked you the unhealthy way you used to be" wasn't precisely how it was put, but it was close. So, when I get any resistance, I feel goodbye coming on. I guess that's why sometimes I get defensive. I'm so scared people are going to leave me. Of course, if I'm that petrified of it, they will. We will be left one way or the other, by death, or by people leaving. It's a fact.

Passive aggressiveness and becoming vocal in a healthy way

I have been working on becoming less passive aggressive, and it is a struggle. I have been so passive aggressive all my life, so it's definitely a struggle. I can do this 8). I am working on saying what I feel in a healthy way, and it's really going well... so far 8D

8(

Sometimes, I don't fully understand the toll diabetes takes on me. The aches and pains are unbearable, the neuropathy is beyond annoying, and I see the gravity of the situation. In this, I must live everyday to the best of my ability. I must work on watching what I eat and doing my best. I get scared, though. Every time I hear of a diabetic who died, I take a breath, hold it for a moment, and shed a tear for them. Unfortunately, it happens too much. And then I feel selfish, I don't want it to be me. I know, that's beyond selfish, but I want to live a long life with my growing family. Diabetic neuropathy can ravage one's whole body, and sometimes, I get nervous about that too. The one thing I have to do daily is take deep breaths and believe and know that God is giving me peace and strength to do my best 8)

hmm

I'm a bit melancholy at this point. I'm making it and blessed and thankful. Just tired and not feeling great. This too shall pass 8D God is good and I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I shall make it. heh.