so many thoughts running through my brain... 8) 7/31/2012

I'm working on that list of amends... It's quite extensive at this time... I have been praying to have a contrite spirit and peace in doing so... God is working on my heart at this point in this regard.


My anger and fear has hurt many people. I have been afraid of so much, I have been afraid of any sort of attachment until the last few years, and I have missed so much. The positive way of handling this is to stay in the present. I'm feeling light-hearted and like I can handle so much more each and every day.

I really screwed up in my last relationship... I did something, well several things that I've done before, that I really must change... I tried to change my (then) boyfriend. I should have let him be him and me be me and then we could truly try it. I know it may not have made a difference, but it is something I will be conscious of next time. The song, "Good enough," by Lifehouse comes to mind... I can be a better person and I can learn how to be healthier in every way, i just know it 8)

 i will also be more tolerant in all my dealings with people... It's so important, and with my new coping skills, it's easier 8). I was less afraid this time, one reason i'm working on my fear now... It's been inhibiting my growth way too much. I want to better myself to enjoy my life, to enjoy my kids, to enjoy God... I'm so blessed with people in my life and it's exciting to grow 8)


I'm watching a movie, one of my favorite chick flicks... Lucky Seven. It's all about a neurotic, flawed, yet kind, control-freak woman who has to choose between two men. I looooove this movie. I relate to the girl in ways... 8) (ya think? 8)).



"i need to be with someone who pushes me to be a better person, someone that i can grow with, someone that's my partner." -- Gosh, I love that line... I'm such a romantic...

thoughts

Celebrate recovery -- can't say too much specifically, but it's a 12 step program based in the Lord. It was good, but rough... Just a lot to take in... Today was making amends... I tried to make amends to one person, but I don't think i was ready to do so yet... Really, I just need to make a list. There are a few that will be especially tough...

Today was a bit rougher mood-wise, cause i broke down in sadness in regards to something. Not a bad thing, just had trouble staying in the present, though i got there soon.

I started reading in my commitment fear book, and found literally examples of every single relationship I've been in. Commitmentphobes tend to date each other. In some cases, one is more profound than the other. I have had quite a track record in regards to tough relationships. I have definitely sabotaged my fair share. I tend to be a more passive avoider... I really am looking forward to working on this so my future relationships (all relationships not just romantic) will thrive or at least have a firm footing 8).

Today, work felt really really good. I'm really working on being peaceful and it's definitely paying off.

Today was a highly-emotional day, especially in the evening, so this blog is ending now 8)

Awesomeness in my life

As it is apparent, I am growing soooooo much!!! That in itself is awesome! But there's more!!!

I am seeing how much of a support system I do have... It took having a bad week to see this. Plus, in being more compassionate and outgoing (not too much, but i don't detest socializing anymore 8)), more people are being added to my circles. I'm looking at guarding myself much differently. In any situation, the idea is with meditation, I can get myself back to resting position quickly, and I can and I'm consistently getting better (yay). I am starting Celebrate Recovery today, and I must say I'm pretty excited... 8)

My two boys are amazing. They teach me so much and I am so thankful for them. In dealing with my fears, I am facing headon some of my parenting fears, and this is wonderful, though a bit scary. They are both getting so big and becoming such wonderful young men. I am so thankful for them.

God is an ever-present part of my life now. I had turned my back on him for awhile. I am so thankful for His forgiveness and love.

I'm going back to college, for which I am soooo excited, and a bit nervous. I know I can do this though. 8) It will be awesome...

My work is going well. I'm doing different things here and there, so the variety is nice 8) I'm very blessed to have a good job.

All in all, life is good. I am so very blessed, so very thankful and so very joyful for all that is going on 8D

Fix You -- My take on this song

 I heard this song this week, and I sobbed. I heard it as God's love song to me. I know it's most likely romantic, but where I am right now, God's love song for me works, and works well. I also feel no one can "fix" us or should except God and ourselves. I have made that mistake in trying to fix others, and I was wrong. I love this song so much. It gives me a great deal of peace.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home,
And ignite your bones,
And I will try to fix you,
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/c/coldplay/fix_you.html ]
High up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Being alone and seeing the true foundation of a relationship

I used to dread being alone. When I was first divorced, it was truly tough. I think that was one reason I get married the second time... Over the years, I have come to tolerate being alone. At times, it's nice, but most of the time, it's just okay. When I was hurting or down and I couldn't be sure of my reactions, I would prefer to be alone. This has so much to do with my fractured foundation I have had. Now, I'm doing better in addressing my fears, and letting them go. Will I mess up? Sure, but i can start over at where I'm at, every time. There's such a beauty in that.

Being alone is wonderful now!! I miss my children, but I can enjoy my time alone as well. I laugh alone and I can rest in my different activities, rather than keeping myself busy. It's so nice 8) I can be me, and it feels amazing....

I'm reading my book on fear not controlling my life, and something beautiful was said. Pursue a relationship if you don't expect it to make you happy. Oh my goodness, this is it!!! My happiness should be within myself, and a strong relationship should be the icing on the cake. Wow!!! This is so true!!! I am working on me since I should always be with myself. I feel I can be now. It feels great!!!

This is why I have struggled with codependency and such as well. It's better than it used to be, but I have a major flaw (another lol) in how I look at relationships. I considered a man as my salvation. I thought that God would truly consider me one of his children only when I had that special relationship. It's crazy, I completely know... I'm realizing that I never thought I was enough before, so this also had to do with the unrealistic expectations on myself.  Some other reasons on why I wanted a long-term relationship are also indicative of my commitment fears. I have unrealistic expectations. I see now that a true relationship is finding someone that can be themselves, and you be you, and you just say go. You work your best to work towards long-term commitment... But promising forever all the time is somewhat futile... After all, everyone will leave, whether by their own accord or by death. It's just the way of it. And that's ok... I'm ok with that now... Whew 8) I'm coming along 8)

Living in the grey

Living in the Grey --

I realize this is difficult for me, and now I'm realizing how difficult. I'm starting small, with tiny little steps 8D

Watching new movies and tv shows -- This is tough for me. I find myself avoiding new things... a lot... I'm working on this 8D

I am watching a new episode right now. Yay me 8) It's on a bank robbery, which also gives me palpitations, etc. But I'm trudging through it. Yay!

I am living in the grey more and more everyday, and it is awesome!!!

Life doesn't happen the way we plan, and it's ok 8)

I have a feeling I will be working on this for awhile, but it's such a blessing 8).

I want to change this within me 8).

Flying -- a poem

Your love envelops me, holding me as I cry.

I have endured such heartache, but You have been there.

You see me, the whole me, knowing my mistakes and pain.


As I grow and hurt, You show me how to cope.

I feel your love as you hold me in your arms.

You tell me that it's going to be difficult...

Painful, as you mold me into Your creation.

You sing to me and quiet me in your love.

You say, "Trust me," and I said, "I do."

You throw me into the air,

I fly as I soar with the eagles,

Flying with the angels,

Hearing their singing.

Feeling the flap of their wings against my face.

I am an amazing creation, your creation.

You amaze me with Your love and peace.

Thank you for your love and patience, Dear Lord.

Loving myself

I've written this a time or two and have scrapped it as I just was not to post it... But here we go... 8D

I have not truly loved myself for a very long time.I thought i loved myself enough, but I see now that I haven't until very recently, this week to be exact...

Last week, I said something to my oldest son, something horrible that I should have never said to him. It caused quite the depression in me for failing, and I ended up taking out my anger on my (then) boyfriend. He did the best thing he could do, break up with me. I miss him still, but I know he did the right thing for his sake and truthfully, this helped me as well... All of this together woke me up. Though I have improved (up to this point) a great deal, it's still not enough. I'm sick of hurting those around me, God and myself. I can and will change... Since last week, I have been praying for ideas and for a path that God wants me to take. He laid one before me, and now I am working on various aspects of me, thus the self help barrage that is filling my blog at the moment. I have a long way to go, but self-love is the foundation of all i am setting out to do.I realized I have been breaking my own heart much longer than anyone else has... I owe myself the respect of loving me, and allowing others to be near me and comfort me and vice versa. I'm tearing down so many walls, and it feels goooood. 8) My commitmentphobias are part of my defense mechanism, but that is another set of blogs... 8D

I used to think if things went wrong or not as planned, that it was a way of God telling me that he can't stand me. Crazy, right? So silly, but as much as I tried to get away from these feelings, I would still feel it. That's why living in the grey was so tough. Now, it's getting easier. As one can see, there's a great deal to work on, but truly, it's exciting to really see how to fix this...

So much of this has to do with my expectations of myself and others and of so many unrealistic ideals. I am working on me and I know I will be a better momma to my boys and a better person to myself. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, Philippians 4:13

Good morning, World...

Yesterday was a great day for growth. There were several things that I couldn't control and I rolled with it and didn't get frustrated (for long at all). wooot!!! My tendency is to let all the little things bug me, and eventually just feel like I'm going to explode... So getting rid of the fear and the hurt is so helpful. This is also helping me with living in the grey. it feels so great, words cannot express my joy 8D.

Yesterday, I talked to a family member that causes me pain sometimes. I looked on her with compassion as I have been doing with others. It helped so much!!! Also, when she wanted to dwell on some recent events in my life, I mentioned to her that I don't want to dwell in the negative. She said, "Ok, that's great," and changed the subject!!! Wow!!! That's awesome!

I'm also more confident. I'm not sitting and worrying about every action i make, I'm just doing it (Thank you, Nike 8)). Someone who doesn't know I'm working on things even commented. It feels good to see that my changes are noticeable to more than just me and my inner circle 8)

If anyone might be wondering why I'm being so honest on a public forum, I'll tell you. If anyone is going through any or some of what I'm going through, there is hope. You can love yourself, love others and find peace. It is attainable and you are worth it. 8)

Today's journey... Compassion towards others

Well, today's journey in reducing fear was a bit like a roller coaster... Let's say the Shockwave... Yeah, it got a bit rough... You know  how you ride that ride and you feel like you're gonna fall out even though you're secure? That's how today felt... 8) But there are so many good things to it... Here we go 8*D.

I did really well in the morning, but I allowed the pain of a recent breakup waft over me like my favorite perfume. It went better than if I hadn't had my new-found coping skills...

I have a major issue in that I act and feel entitled to way too much in this life. I am working on being more compassionate. In "How not to be afraid of your own life," the author speaks of compassion to others. She says we should take a step back until we can feel compassionate for them. I have been doing this a great deal in the past couple of days, and it is definitely helpful. It has stopped me from saying things or exhibiting negative behavior due to frustration, etc.

I saw my boys tonight and it was wonderful. We went to a couple of my old high school hangouts, so it was quite the trip down memory lane. We had a wonderful talk about how we cope with life. They were giving me ideas, and vice-versa. Soooo awesome 8) They said they already see a big difference in me, in how i react, in how happy I'm truly becoming. Awesome!!! I want to continue to grow. They are a huge reason I am working on me. I have caused many people a great deal of pain, but I feel very badly of the pain my children have endured. I want to teach them how better to cope with life, and I have been teaching them a great deal these past few years. I honestly wish I had had even a small slathering of the coping skills we discuss when I was a child, but I can give that to them. The best blessing is I get to live it and show them how to cope and heal.  We talk about coping and anger a great deal. This has been quite a good few years in the way of healing. Every year, we are continually getting better, and for that I am so thankful. I am so thankful for a great deal 8). We have come a very long way. It didn't happen overnight, me becoming like I became. It's taken years of continual changes to improve. Now it's coming together as much as it can. Next year, it will come more together as it can then, etc. We can start where we're at. That's a beautiful concept 8).

Aggression

In my anti-fear book I'm reading, it says that there are different types of aggression that come from fear. Some include the more passive part, such as not doing things because of fear. I am so notorious for this one. I had no idea this was aggression, but it makes sense. Passive aggression, definitely. Also, hissy fits and such can be aggression. Now that i know my different actions that are fear-based, I can address the issue more directly and find out what I'm afraid of. I'm asking myself, "What are you afraid of?" I say what I'm afraid of with a deep breath at the end (repeat  3 times). I definitely have my work cut out for me, but this is helping soooo much, along with my other coping tools. I'm feeling more on top of my anger and my feelings already. Thank goodness for meditation!!! 8)

Relationship foundations -- He's Scared, She's Scared

So I'm really learning so much in this book. The theory is there are five qualities that reflect a willingness to stay in a relationship and to keep working at it even when it would be much easier to quit (ie commitment).

The qualities

1. monogamy (not an issue)
2. well-intentioned -- the willingness to make a relationship work -- I think I have a lot of good intentions, but they occasionally get eclipsed by fear. Some of my expectations of me and in a relationship are getting a makeover though 8)
3. open-ended -- now this is where I get myself into trouble. What they mean by open-ended is being open to the possibility of continuing a relationship indefinitely. -- I get so worked up on actually finding someone and thinking "forever", that I'm putting too much emphasis on this. This is definitely something I will change while I'm working on me.

4. responsibility -- oh yes, another thing I must work on... Also over-promising emotionally on things one can't deliver is irresponsible and I have been irresponsible in both ways.

5. a realistic attitude -- yeah, i need to work on this as well. I dont have realistic expectations of myself or others, which is another thing I'm working on.

So in order to have a healthy relationship, I need to be able to have healthy qualities in all of these areas... The realistic attitude is something i will write on soon, as I'm reading a different book on fear, and I'm reading on how to be gentle with me 8). Yup, another blog will be inevitable 8D.

My First Love

To My First Love,

Jesus, I have turned my back on you. I have hurt you. I have tried to take on so much myself. I ask that you fill my heart with your love and show me that I am not alone. You hold my hand and you care for me even when I don't see you or feel you. You are so gracious to me, and I don't deserve your love. I pray that I can keep you in focus in my present and my future on a daily basis. I know that doing so will keep my heart and my healing and growing in the best place possible. You are amazing and I am forever grateful. I cling to others, men especially, when it is you I should be clinging to. I pray when the next time you will allow me to do so, that I can work better on having faith in you and a strong relationship. I have not been very good at this in my past as I seem to think I can love one or the other. I long to be equally yoked with a man in You and I know that I will be when your timing is perfect. I am sorry that I have second-guessed you.

Love,
me

Fear

This is a subject that I know well, too well. I could write book on it, but it wouldn't be too helpful... yet. I'm doing better with this, but i have a long way to go... I'm afraid too much of the time and it causes pain and hurt to myself and so many others. I have a temper to go with my complexion, unfortunately.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. -- 1 john 4:18.

Fear drives at my heart like being on the Urakai side of Helm's Deep. Many arrows are about to pierce me with the driving thoughts that possess them. Now what I'm doing is every time I feel like I'm in an arrow storm, I imagine all of those arrows as rose petals. I like rose petals. They're peaceful and enveloping and inviting. This is helping so much... It's just my first day of doing so, and it's helping me.


I am aggressive in my fear, in that I can have hissy fits, I can be mean and it takes control over me. I'm tired of this. I'm missing so much of life by being fearful. I can do this! I am awesome-sauce!!! 8D I push people away. I want companionship more than I can breathe but I have a 10 foot moat around my heart. This makes loving me tough, and I'm sick of it. I want to love, even if I may lose in love... It's worth it. I'm still working on this though...

"We call them weak
Who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist
And for that forsake it all

They're so hell-bent on giving ,walking a wire
Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire "

Standing Outside the Fire -- Garth Brooks.

I put too much emphasis on loving a man... way too much emphasis. I am still awesome, even when I'm single. I must live this and know this every moment of every day. I can't do the "I'll be happy when I'm..." game. It's not enough. It will never be enough. I need to be happy with where and who I am. Start where I am, the best place to start.  I have an amazing life and I intend to be thankful...

5 things I'm thankful for...

1. great friends
2. learning lessons in life, no matter how painful
3. knitting
4. my Children, of course 8)
5. the ability to grow.

As I Began to Love Myself by Charlie Chaplin

As I Began to Love Myself – by Charlie Chaplin

As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering
are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth.
Today, I know, this is “AUTHENTICITY”.

As I began to love myself I understood how much it can offend somebody
As I try to force my desires on this person, even though I knew the time
was not right and the person was not ready for it, and even though this
person was me. Today I call it “RESPECT”.

As I began to love myself I stopped craving for a different life,
and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow.
Today I call it “MATURITY”.

As I began to love myself I understood that at any circumstance,
I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens
at the exactly right moment. So I could be calm.
Today I call it “SELF-CONFIDENCE”.

As I began to love myself I quit steeling my own time,
and I stopped designing huge projects for the future.
Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness, things I love to do
and that make my heart cheer, and I do them in my own way and in
my own rhythm. Today I call it “SIMPLICITY”.

As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for
my health – food, people, things, situations, and everything that drew
me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude
a healthy egoism. Today I know it is “LOVE OF ONESELF”.

As I began to love myself I quit trying to always be right, and ever since
I was wrong less of the time. Today I discovered that is “MODESTY”.

As I began to love myself I refused to go on living in the past and worry
about the future. Now, I only live for the moment, where EVERYTHING
is happening. Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it “FULFILLMENT”.

As I began to love myself I recognized that my mind can disturb me
and it can make me sick. But As I connected it to my heart, my
mind became a valuable ally. Today I call this
connection “WISDOM OF THE HEART”.

We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations or any kind of problems
with ourselves or others. Even stars collide, and out of their crashing
new worlds are born.Today I know THAT IS “LIFE”!

So I'm here and breathing. God is good and I am consciously reminded that happiness is a choice. I made some mistakes recently and I wanted to ponder on them, and how to fix them, since that is vital. I also am blessed to be given the opportunity not to beat myself up too much, and to learn and be blessed with this.

Someone wanted to save me, and I let him try, and needless to say, it didn't work. I was so foolish. I must save myself. Help with saving myself is good, but I must do it. I also realize how important it is that someone can stand up to me. I need that sometimes.

I've been thinking also about forgiveness. I see saying I'm sorry as a healing, as a warm fuzzy blanket that God wraps around us, when we say it. and while that's lovely imagery, I feel that it's flawed. I will explain why. God's salvation, not our constant repentance is what saves us. I've been wrong in this, and I'm actually excited that I get to fix this. I am excited to fix a lot of things within me, because I see who I want to be and I realize it's attainable. I'm almost there. I know I'm amazing, though flawed. I love me and I'm so glad I do.

Thank you my dear friends and family for listening and for being there in any way you can be. I appreciate you in my life, no matter how short your stay.