Loving myself

I've written this a time or two and have scrapped it as I just was not to post it... But here we go... 8D

I have not truly loved myself for a very long time.I thought i loved myself enough, but I see now that I haven't until very recently, this week to be exact...

Last week, I said something to my oldest son, something horrible that I should have never said to him. It caused quite the depression in me for failing, and I ended up taking out my anger on my (then) boyfriend. He did the best thing he could do, break up with me. I miss him still, but I know he did the right thing for his sake and truthfully, this helped me as well... All of this together woke me up. Though I have improved (up to this point) a great deal, it's still not enough. I'm sick of hurting those around me, God and myself. I can and will change... Since last week, I have been praying for ideas and for a path that God wants me to take. He laid one before me, and now I am working on various aspects of me, thus the self help barrage that is filling my blog at the moment. I have a long way to go, but self-love is the foundation of all i am setting out to do.I realized I have been breaking my own heart much longer than anyone else has... I owe myself the respect of loving me, and allowing others to be near me and comfort me and vice versa. I'm tearing down so many walls, and it feels goooood. 8) My commitmentphobias are part of my defense mechanism, but that is another set of blogs... 8D

I used to think if things went wrong or not as planned, that it was a way of God telling me that he can't stand me. Crazy, right? So silly, but as much as I tried to get away from these feelings, I would still feel it. That's why living in the grey was so tough. Now, it's getting easier. As one can see, there's a great deal to work on, but truly, it's exciting to really see how to fix this...

So much of this has to do with my expectations of myself and others and of so many unrealistic ideals. I am working on me and I know I will be a better momma to my boys and a better person to myself. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, Philippians 4:13