Fear

This is a subject that I know well, too well. I could write book on it, but it wouldn't be too helpful... yet. I'm doing better with this, but i have a long way to go... I'm afraid too much of the time and it causes pain and hurt to myself and so many others. I have a temper to go with my complexion, unfortunately.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. -- 1 john 4:18.

Fear drives at my heart like being on the Urakai side of Helm's Deep. Many arrows are about to pierce me with the driving thoughts that possess them. Now what I'm doing is every time I feel like I'm in an arrow storm, I imagine all of those arrows as rose petals. I like rose petals. They're peaceful and enveloping and inviting. This is helping so much... It's just my first day of doing so, and it's helping me.


I am aggressive in my fear, in that I can have hissy fits, I can be mean and it takes control over me. I'm tired of this. I'm missing so much of life by being fearful. I can do this! I am awesome-sauce!!! 8D I push people away. I want companionship more than I can breathe but I have a 10 foot moat around my heart. This makes loving me tough, and I'm sick of it. I want to love, even if I may lose in love... It's worth it. I'm still working on this though...

"We call them weak
Who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist
And for that forsake it all

They're so hell-bent on giving ,walking a wire
Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire "

Standing Outside the Fire -- Garth Brooks.

I put too much emphasis on loving a man... way too much emphasis. I am still awesome, even when I'm single. I must live this and know this every moment of every day. I can't do the "I'll be happy when I'm..." game. It's not enough. It will never be enough. I need to be happy with where and who I am. Start where I am, the best place to start.  I have an amazing life and I intend to be thankful...

5 things I'm thankful for...

1. great friends
2. learning lessons in life, no matter how painful
3. knitting
4. my Children, of course 8)
5. the ability to grow.