Good Grief

I decided to be a bit punny about a serious subject... grief. What I have come to over the years in words that I can now formulate... Death is a part of life... It's not a bad thing. We can look at it in a peaceful way...

Ecclesiastes 3:1-2 -- "There is a time for everything, and everything on earth has its special season. There is a time to be born and a time to die."

Zephaniah 3:17 -- The Lord your God is with you. He is mighty to save. He will rejoice over you. You will rest in his love; he will sing and be joyful about you.

I have spoken with my dear friend, M. a great deal this week. She keeps telling me "Live in the moment." Very good advice. I have a tendency to do otherwise.

The peace on a daily basis that I'm acquiring (via God of course 8D) is helping me a great deal through this and through my whole life.

God is so good and he gives us so much. I am so completely blessed and that brings me tears of joy.

Grief can be good. It can be healing. It can also be crippling if you allow it to make you angry for years, as I have done. Grief has helped me in ways, and it can be good.

I am also seeing that I need people around that understand how I grieve and what I need is to hear that I will be ok, that I am strong, that they can hold me and help me in simple ways such as bringing me food or just talking to me. I have had such support in this. Thank you all so much 8D

Sad

My heart aches for my friend and her young daughters. He was so young. As I watched my friend hurt,, I kept thinking of all the times I have been told that death and divorce are similar... Death is so much worse...

My sons are being so sweet. Tristan even offered that I could watch Pride and Prejudice... 8D. Wow, that is a sacrifice... We're talking the 6 hour version...

In regards to relationships, J, the most recent boyfriend is out of my life at this time. I know its for the best. He knows what's happening with my friend, and he's not here... I told another exboyfriend and he was all concerned and asking questions, etc. It's ironic that P apologized last week... That's the one from years ago... I say this because the breakup with P and J are similar in ways... And there were times with P that it was obvious he didn't feel he should help, etc... though i was much more needy at the time... Now, my neediness is now and then, but my support system is strong this time... The boys are helping me so much this weekend, my sister is concerned, and I have some friends that are listening to me so that I can be strong for my dear friend...  Also, I have started emailing with someone... and he is listening to me, and helping to cheer me up. That is very kind of him... I realize what I need from J is something he can't or wont give...

From the perspective I'm at now, it's easy to see that P never was really that into me, though I think he once cared to a point... I think I will someday feel the same way about J. and that is good... I hesitate to use the J initial since there are so many ppl that have been and are in my life with the J initial... and some that have the name Jay... but I don't mean my dear friend Jay... She is awesome and she is so helpful... I am so appreciative of that 8D.

My coping skills and meditating skills helped so much in this situation. I am so thankful for these tools, so I can be a more effective friend... and i'll just get better 8D.

8(

I come to you this evening with a heavy heart. My best friend's husband passed away today. I'm so saddened by this. I feel guilty as well, because for so long, I have had a chip on my shoulder... So many people have it harder than me. I am so concerned for my dear friend and for her children. If you could take a moment to pray for them, it would be appreciated. Thank you.

Things that make you go

Wth!

So a few things...

I told someone yesterday that I was feeling defensive and he promptly said that we shouldnt speak to each other again. This is the third (second with him) time that has happened. Is it a control thing? Do they want to be the one to step back? I wrote it both times, so maybe they didn't understand? I needed a break for a few hours... That shouldn't be difficult to understand, but I guess it is.. C was the other one who did this months back... I just don't get it, but honestly if they don't want to give me a moment so I don't get defensive, then it's for the best that they are out of my life... They make it easy, and that's nice 8D.


So brings me to another thing. I suddenly get a message from an ex boyfriend from years and years back saying he was sorry. I forgave him long ago... But honestly, the biggest thing I feel right now is relief. He really wasn't the right one for me. I keep hearing unanswered prayers by garth brooks in my head... kinda cool... Just so odd...

Thoughts on Spirituality...

Here I go again being to dogmatic in my spirituality, just the way I don't wanna be.

So here are some ideas and basic foundational thoughts.

I believe in God.
I believe in Jesus.
I believe in peace.
I believe in God's will -- free will is something I'm still wondering about... I will pray and meditate on this...

I believe I need to get back to the basics and focus on God... His will re my future will come to light when He is ready to show me.

I believe that God is love and his way of punishment is *not* pain. We sometimes must go through pain though... Let me explain. When I was young, I was in a religion that was very restrictive. I then went to another religion that felt that if we had any sickness or anything wrong in life, we were in the wrong and somehow disobeying God. I have not realized until now how much this is still shaping my mindset, especially when I'm reeling...

So much of my religious experience makes it seem like God is so black and white. I know that's not the case, and this is something I want to build on and fix... That will be a huge goal in the spirituality department...

That and increasing my intuition. I should follow it more.. It has proved smart to do so in my past...

just a mishmash in my brain -- mainly relationships

So re timelines -- I have one in my head. Actually, I have quite a few in my head... I am working on veering away from these in order to live in the grey in a better way...

I have views on relationships, how it should be, etc... It's exhausting... I'm giving these all over to God this instant... I will work on continuing to do so...

So, I have mentioned getting feelings from time to time. I felt like a possible option would come my way in these recent weeks. I realize now that was C.... and I said no to him. I am very proud of that... He actually is the only one I've said no to in quite some time, especially this time that he wanted more of a standard foundation... But I declined in that I don't want him, and that's ok... There are many reasons for this...

Generally, when I put myself back on the dating scene, I do so full-force... I guess I have the tendency to do that with relationships... But in a convo with a friend today, I realized that I need to look at my goals and make sure my ideals are realistic. we didn't even talk about this head-on as it were, but from things that were said, my brain went there... and that's not a bad thing... But I don't want to go full-force. not only is it exhausting, I think patience is better. i'm not good at patience... Can you tell? 8D.

I need to take my time... Don't rush in... And I don't have to take the first option presented to me. It's ok to say no, to listen to my intuition... I know deep down that it is better to be alone than in a bad relationship. This last week, I have frequently wondered if I should have said yes to C. those that know the situation will be like "noooooooooooooooooooooo" and you would be right... but there are those days that I wonder... especially those days I'm attempting to convince myself that I'm doing a good job on my own. I am, but I don't always feel that way.

I also have thought a great deal about all of this in reading on my personality type, INFJ. We tend to jump into relationships, even if they're wrong for us. We don't like to be alone... I'm getting better at being alone, but it's still tough...  And I really want my relationships to be meaningful. Not all dates have to turn into boyfriends, and they haven't, but I just need to keep focused on that... 8D.

I feel better, thanks for listening, dear reader 8D

still aching...

Some days, the heartache is more than it has been for the last several months... I know I will get over the exboyfriend from several months ago... In reading my book, I'm seeing why it's so tough...

Active runners promise so much, say I love you quickly, desire to integrate you into their life quickly, etc. I have learned to slow down in this... If someone isn't respectful of me being a bit slower into this, then they don't respect me and it's a moot point anyway. He begged to meet my sons, and like the idiot that i can be, I let them meet twice i really thought he was here for good. My oldest, who falls in love with no one but a very distinguished list, fell in love with him. The first weekend after the breakup, he and i hugged and cried together. He sobbed and said, "I thought he was the one." i broke my son's heart and I still haven't forgiven myself... What was harder, is my oldest son kept saying that he would come back. He's stopped with that and that's just as painful... He's given up on him. They only met twice and I am glad for that, but I will be muuuuch more careful in the future with that. I will refuse to even discuss a meeting until after 6 months or maybe a year after dating... I think that's safer.

active runners also have the tendency to cheat and end relationships that way. I'm so glad he didn't do so with me. that would ache more.


I'm so weary and so tired of being single. I know i can do anything that a man can do and the boys help me with a lot... We joke that the only thing we need a man for is opening up coconut oil bottles. Those are tough little boogers 8D. of course, i miss the adult companionship in more ways than one, but I would never tell them that...

active runners are all in from the very beginning. as soon as they see that they've won someone's heart, they generally subconsciously, start running for the door very quickly. I now see a lot of examples from my life and I know more what to avoid. i know how to be more active for my part and what thought processes to avoid, to avoid fantasy, etc.

And when there is a breakup, active runners make allll sorts of excuses to prevent the reconciliation or they reconcile and break up...  (on again/off again). yes, it's possible that the active runner will come back...

I am looking for love elsewhere. I have to open up my heart and know that he may never come back around romantically. i actively am working on my feelings to be where i need to be and i would expect anyone i'm with to do the same...

my personality type and relationships...

I wonder why so many famous infjs aren't married... /sigh... I think i know, lol...

So here are some thoughts in this...

When I want to know something, I research soooo much. I read the books, look at the websites, listen to my intuition, pray, etc. I then make an informed decision... I use the books and such to back up my intuition. I need to trust it more and I'm working on that. I used to think that if others didn't understand my way of gathering info (intuition) then it was wrong... That's simply untrue. It is a good thing to trust my intuition. And if I'm wrong, we'll work through it...

This brings me to relationships. I have to make a decision based on my feelings, my gut, and I often fail at this. I look at what I perceive as the facts and I often don't use my intuition. If I had, I wouldn't place myself in many of the relationships that I have... I know a portion of this has to do with my commitment fears and the hurts that have been done upon me, both self-inflicted and from my childhood. The more I think about it, the more I remember it. There are full years that are blacked-out for me. I don't want to remember in many cases, but I know I eventually must.

How do I make decisions without checking them out? I ask friends, I pray, I do everything I think I should do. I don't always listen, and I end up right back here, bruised, hurt and feeling so lonely and so tired... I just want to scream at the top of my mountain. It's hard, because I know my friends want to help, but they're *all* married. They don't know what it's like to roll over and keep reaching and reaching for someone only to find an empty bed, maybe just a stuffed animal for comfort. I know God comforts me and He does, but I hurt too, because it feels like he thinks i'm so much stronger than I really am... He gives all these people mates, why not me? what am i missing? why am I not worthy? i don't know... It just hurts and makes me feel like I'm not enough. I know I'm enough and I'm awesome and I'm great... but if I truly was, then God would give me a mate... People who are single aren't enough, women especially. it's Biblical, so how am I supposed to feel like a beautiful woman that's enough, when the Bible keeps saying a woman is nothing without a man... I don't know how to fully rationalize that. I pray and I start feeling that women are enough without men, so that means the Bible is a fallacy? It's difficult for me to reconcile both... I know the Bible was written at a different time than now. I know that must be a part of it...

I know that this is what God wants for me... But reconciling between if God truly knows and decides for us what we are going to decide or if we have free agency... What if every man God chooses for me decides to use his free agency and turn his back on me? That's what it feels like, that I'm just one of those that fell through the cracks as it were. God can change minds and hearts, but to what end? Where does the line between free will and God's will start and end?

I know I'm down, and this too shall pass. I'm working on breathing through it and I'll be fine... Just wishing I had more answers right now.

one day at a time...

I'm walking one step at a time in not being pushy. I'm attempting to tread carefully... I see the future sometimes, and I try to stuff it to make it fit. I'm working on all of this.

One of the great myths of our culture is that if a relationship is right, it will be easy to make and sustain a commitment to it...No matter how perfectly suited any two people are to each other, it's not easy. Instead of trying to find the perfect relationship, work at making your relationship the best it can be.

I was reading in my commitmentphobe book, and I started crying... Every active commitment phobe trait has been a ploy that a man has used in a relationship... I have let this happen. And I can work towards a healthy relationship. While that is exciting, my heart wants the last relationship so very badly... And I have to resign myself to the fact that it will not happen. I know that so much would have to change. In reading the book, I see some major mistakes we both made in the foundation of the relationship... It's possible... but I have to hold my head high and know that someday, I will have love, and it will be what God wants for me.

I am working so hard to keep God as my focus. I am working so hard to sustain a strong relationship with Him and my children. I am so weary and so tired... I have only gone through three weeks of school. This part should be a cake walk and it's not... I know that we can do this. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. -- Philippians 4:13.

I know that when I'm ready, a man will come along and it will work.. I know that discouragement comes... It will pass.

more thoughts on fixing me...

After this weekend with C  contacting me and having to tell him I'm not interested and such... I am certain I have some commitment issues I want to work on further. I'm still reading some books, and that's helping. I feel strong, because I was able to tell someone no... I didn't realize that it could be narcissistic on my part... me wanting my family to accept me... this was in the book! apparently this isn't as uncommon as I anticipated... I feel like enough, even though I am not in a relationship, but I am really working to keep that in mind right now... It's hard to be strong, especially since C. is very persistent at times... I can be strong and I know that this is the right thing to do... Another form of narcissism re relationships is dating someone so you can be on a man's arm... These types of feelings would be the only reasons to continue anything with C. and truth is, I'd rather be alone than in a bad relationship... Plus he got a ton of chances before... I guess I'm still convincing myself it's right, but my intuition tells me it is and i need to stand up for that... 8D. Knowing my personality type and researching it is showing me so much of who I am and how I can improve... 8D. I got a perfect score on that assignment as well. Woot!!! (Try writing a 50 word essay on your personality type. It's not easy 8D... Way too short 8D.)


from my book, this hit me... taking into consideration a commitmentphobic man who pursues then panics, let's say he meets a woman and pursues her that has a low self esteem and feels that her worth is based on a man's perception of her. He tells her she's beautiful, he says all of these words that mean so much more to her than a typical woman, because she didn't feel the worth prior to this. Then he panics and pulls away, and she is left reeling, with no firm center of her own.... Oh my goodness!!!! This is what happened to me!!! I'm getting it now 8D.


I'm feeling stronger and I can do this... God is good 8D

saying no, my personality type, etc...

I had to find out what personality type I am on the Myers Briggs spectrum for a class that I'm taking and I am an INFJ. It fits me sooooo well. I was reading that they are very intuitive and can't explain why...  I can make decisions on my intuitiveness... Yay!!! I made a decision not to see C., the exboyfriend who tried to come back over the weekend... I have so many reasons. I kept feeling that it was only going to last one date... I'm seeing now that this doesn't mean i *have to* go on that date... I think it was 1 date at the most. I knew it wouldn't last, so therefore I'm protecting my heart and him too, really...

INFJ's haaate conflict, and that's the main time they'll get angry... Hmm... Sounds familiar 8D. I'm working on it, but it sounds familiar 8D.

I want to write more on my personality type, but I have soooo much to do for school this evening.

Life is funny

Life is funny. We put out there something within the universe, and it happens, just not the way we expect. I said in a previous post that I wish I had my exboyfriend encouraging me, and lo and behold, a different exboyfriend contacts me... The awesome thing is he apologized profusely for hurting me, admitting how wrong he was... he never did that, so this is pretty amazing. It really helps close the door on that situation... Of course, he wants to come back, and that's a whole kettle fish I had not thought I would ever have to encounter... So, I'm reading my commitmentphobia book in my downtime (free-time) now... It's helpful... i see some concerns, which is why I'm reading this book. This whole healthy nerd thing is new for me, and I want to be sure I have a strong foundation 8D It's keeping it in perspective. I am very cautious and honestly, with me working on my lack of fear, this really helps. I am doing a lot better in my expectations... I am being self-protective... I keep praying, and I feel I am supposed to at least hear him out and go on one date... Gulp. We shall see. I shall keep praying...

stubbornness

I can be so stubborn and so controlling in trying to make things fit the way I want them to... I'm seeing how completely crazy this has made my life in my past... I will get better about it. Knowing is half the battle 8D

On the score of stubbornness, I miss him... I will get through it but it's rough... Just remembering all the different ideas from the book, how to let him go...

Also, in regards to dating, I have a feeling I'm gonna be dating awhile to find a viable match. But this will be a good experience 8). I still really thought i had found it.... And for a time, I did... But I'm glad we tried, beyond anything else... It gave me so much peace and stability for my present and future... I just wish he was in my future still, but I know the boys and me will be fine and we will have a different future than I can see 8)... I just must have faith in God 8D.

I feel a bit like a fool for begging him to come back the other day. /sigh. yes, i begged... But the good thing about that -- i feel resolved that I did *everything* I could to save something so beautiful... I tried... It also helped me to see that the initial fallout may not have been as much completely my fault as I previously thought... It takes two and I definitely could have done things better. This is a learning experience... All in all, I am glad I tried one more time before working so actively to let this go... Even with all the changes, a small part of me hoped he would see that I could change and that I am trying to be a better person. He did see that, it just wasn't enough. Things don't happen on my time table, and truth be known, if he's not ready, I'm so glad he said no... This is what I mean by me being pushy... Sigh... I will improve for myself and my kiddoes and to be the best me I can be...

whew

Week 2 and school is already getting hard to juggle. The boys are not working well with me in this... It's new for them and it will get better... For now, though, we're still adjusting. It made me feel really lonely though... yes for a relationship... I was doing so well today and then I lost it... got pretty upset but now I'm using my techniques again... This is it, the fact is we're all imperfect and we all fall short... I have to pick myself up from where I am and work from here. we can do this... me, God, and white wine... 8D the boys are used to me doing a whole lot for them, and being there for them, so the fact that I need quiet time is kind of tough to understand... I'm glad they're this age and not younger... This will be an adjustment, but i have to do it... It just makes me miss the exboyfriend, cuz I know he would be encouraging... I just have to find encouragement within and elsewhere, and i will 8D

The boys are doing ok. We're all adjusting in ways, but God is good, and we'll get through...

I had to totally cut myself off from my exboyfriend this week. I wish him so well... The fact is I wanted so much more than he can give right now... This is the truth, we are not meant to be in the places we are now... I wanted to be so much to him and i keep asking and he has to keep rejecting, which is hard for him too, I'm sure... The fact is, I keep trying to tell myself he doesn't love me enough... and in a way, that may be true... But the true portion is God should be in control and i have been trying to control many situations waay too much, including this one. God is in control, and I should let him be, but I'm still working on that one... This is very tough for me, but I know I will get better. It'll just take time 8) God has a beautiful plan for both of us, and we may not be the romantic interests in the other's plan... I'm not totally saying no but I have to act like it's not a possibility right now, because I was becoming too hopeful... I just believe way too much in him and me right now... and that is lessening, since I feel he doesnt love me enough to try again... So that helps in letting him go...

Earlier, I thought I was ready to date again, but I'm so damn busy with everything, I feel so torn and a bit scared right now... I will open up to dating, I just know it... I'm just really stressed... stressed backwards spells... desserts. nom...  I still am working on calming down and staying calm on a regular basis. It's getting better, but I had a bit of a backslide today...8( for the most part, i'm improving so much... backslides were gonna happen... unfortunately... But I am posting my dating profile again... It's time to do so... I must open up to the idea of a new love... And I feel it's time to do so...

Heavy Heart

The load I am carrying is great. In fact, I am crippling beneath it.
The love that I shared with someone is now repulsive to them.
I have been carrying it in hopes that they would come back.
I hear God's voice -- Let go. I have a plan.

I let it go and it crashes to the ground.
The love flows out until we are knee deep in love.
The pieces are broken and scattered around.
God calmly picks up every piece.
He puts them in His box and he picks me up.

He holds me and tells me,
"I can do so much more if you'll let me.
I can make you into a beautiful piece of clay if you will submit yourself to Me.
I can make your life even more amazing if you will have faith and let me work.
You are smart, but dear child, I am so much smarter.
I know so much more and I can do so much for you.
Let me help you."

"I have a plan for you, dear child, and it is much better than you can imagine.
Love me and keep me in your heart.
Do as I say and hold onto my hand.
We can make it through any storm.
You can do anything in my name."

Dear, God, I don't know your plan.
I give you my heart and my soul and my broken dreams.
They are yours.
Your path that you have for me is so much better than the uneven cobblestone path behind me.
I love you, dear Lord, and I submit to you.

pain and peace

I don't know where to start... The beautiful thing is I've been able to be peaceful through turmoil on a more day-to-day and moment-to-moment basis. I feel God's love on me constantly. I am praying a great deal to stay in this place, but it's so very worth it...

I'm very sad, and I have so much school work to do, so I'm blogging before I study, because my brain is just gooey right now...

In loving myself and being more at peace with myself, something happened that i didn't expect. I had been talking to my exboyfriend for a few weeks, and we both have expressed that we still cared, but with the pain lessening in my heart in general, love for him filled it like I have never experienced love before. This might be a glimpse. This might be to show me how healthy love is really supposed to feel. I'm not sure... Of course, it didn't go well... as you can imagine... so once again, I'm working on letting him go. Dear reader, I love him more than I've ever loved a romantic interest before. I can't be in an unrequited situation again. My heart is breaking all over again. I feel so foolish and so hurt... I know if he truly loved me and felt i was a viable match and we could work together, we would be together.. or he would let me know what the issue might be...  I just need to pick up the pieces of my heart and deal with the situation as it is.


so I'm going to appeal to my first love, God... I am praying and thinking, and singing and praising... I might end up at church tonight... That would be wonderful 8)... Turn this around... I do need to study, but I have a feeling if i stay home, less studying will get done than if I go to church at least for praise and worship, which will give me soooo much peace again. I love this church near me... The lessons are also amazing... So we shall see 8D.

My Quality World

The following is an essay I had to complete for school... It had  to be short... I am so bad at writing short essays... I want to be verbose... 8/ But I felt this was a very good basis of who I am, who I want to be and my goals to attain it 8D.        

 My quality world consists of numerous wonderful people, my sons and my friends, whom I care for dearly. I most want to experience self-fulfillment, peace, and happiness throughout my life. My values and beliefs that will help me towards that are my feelings that happiness is a choice and my belief in Christianity.

I am struggling in several areas in my quest to be an autonomous learner. I need to be better at using effective learning strategies and adapting these strategies to new situations and to manage my behaviors to better reach my goals. I am setting two goals that will aid me in my quest to do so. I will keep an organized calendar and follow it to avoid procrastination. I will also plan at each new situation a way to handle it, so that I will not feel overwhelmed or scared of the obstacles that each new situation brings.  

What I want from a relationship

So I am ready to post what I want from a future relationship... and my ideal partner in regards to how I feel at this time. Will it change? sure...

1. someone open to and willing to work towards an open-ended monogamous relationship (open to the idea of it lasting inevitably)
2. open to the fact I have children and they come first in regards to time etc.
3. open to the fact that I am going to college and I am pretty intelligent (sadly, this has been a problem in my distant past. )
4. open to the fact I can't have more children
5. open to the fact that I am consistently growing and learning about myself and the world
6. open to working together and learning and growing... willing to stick things out, rather than run at the first sign of conflict.
7. someone geeky -- who likes star wars, gaming, etc...
8. someone who doesnt mind that I like to be protected and held now and then... I do need to play the typical female role every once in awhile.
9. someone who is willing to understand that I am stubborn, though this is something I am working on... I know we are all stubborn and I am working on being more tolerant as well...
10. open to sharing about themselves and letting me in.. Im not looking for perfection. I'm not looking for someone who is willing to change for me (though on some level, I used to). I want someone who is willing to compromise when necessary and I will compromise too... I'm working on my boundaries so I can compromise enough without endangering my core...
11. someone who would like to see me at least once per week and talk to me on the phone at least a couple times a week. I know everyone has busy lives and this is a bit malleable... But some contact (phone if a face to face meeting is impossible) is imperative...
12. someone who would like to have me on their arm, take me out now and then... (im by no means picky on this... I can be a homebody as well, so I don't need to go out all the time, plus I am understanding that everyone has budgets, but going out every once in awhile is great (plus i often have coupons or know places with deals 8)))
13. i like little things and giving little things... i love bars of soap and socks and it's so nice to get little gifts, or even a coke zero 8D now and then... I like giving little things like this too, whether it be a star wars necklace, etc...
14 someone who wants me for me and I for them...
15. someone who doesnt mind I am independent, but I am dependent now and then... still working on how to be more healthy at both 8D. i do need someone who is kind of in the middle as well. someone so independent that doesn't let me in is tough and also someone who is so clingy that I cannot move is also tough...

Now that I've written all this out, it saddens me a bit... The last relationship had all of this except for 6, sometimes 10, and the fact that I was having trouble with 14... since i didnt love me... But, it is what it is, and I have to continue to work on letting go....

But I will find this. I just know it... I know that there will be someone for me that is what I need, and I am what he needs...when we are ready 8)

thinking a bit about marriage and commitment

In thinking about marriage, what I want from a relationship and what I don't, I am looking for what fantasies I have in marriage and in relationships as well. I don't really feel I should list them or list them in their entirety at this time, but suffice it to say, I am working out what is and isn't healthy and what I want in me...

I could say that living with a man, the man I choose and who chooses me, would be enough... And for all the things that i want in a relationship, living together would do. There is that romantic part of me, that does wish for marriage... I used to, until very recently, wish for marriage shortly after living with someone... Now, the good thing in this, is i haven't lived with anyone for a pretty long time... My book I'm reading talks about this, how we have preconceived notions in regards to the steps a relationship takes. I definitely do this... and the aforementioned is a perfect example.

I will write a blog with what I'm looking for to keep me grounded and to work through each individual want to conclude if it's healthy or not... I'm too tired now at this present time though... I will fight the urge to curl up and read more Pride and prejudice...

I realized why I love this story and why I seem to have become especially obsessed with it this time (i usually watch it following every break up... but this time I can't get enough, so i'm reading it too 8)). I empathize with Elizabeth... She's not the most conventional woman of her time... She refused two proposals, in a time where most would see her foolish to refuse one, since she had so much riding on her at times... She chose to marry for love... In her instance, her heart changed... and her perspective of a certain Mr. Darcy changed... I have been told I'm foolish for holding out for love...Alas, I must do what I can live with. I must choose my mate in regards to love. This is what I must do to be true to myself, not to prove anything to anyone, not to live up to some expectation that they may have for me... But to be me... And that's it 8) It's a good feeling to have that image etched into my mind... A good feeling and strengthening and peaceful, and so many other adjectives that I am to tired to think of. I also love the way Jane Austen adds humor to her stories, so understated, yet defined...

I am told enough that to marry for love is foolish, and I find it odd in this age... Love is the usual reason for monogamous relationships, I thought... Will I get married? not sure... Will I love again? I know I will. I sense it...

some wonderful thoughts on the fear of commitment

I was reading in my self help book, and I kept thinking, oh my heavens, this is me...

I want to share some of it... It was talking about how we lose a bit of freedom in all relationships. We go from me to we, and that can be scary even in a pretty healthy relationship... It's true... And really, the things i've been scared of are the very things I want to fix (loss of control, etc). The anticipation or the idea of the loss of freedom is often worse than the loss itself, so true...


I am accustomed to having chaos in my life. To a degree, this is true... And im not really sure how to be or what to do when things are calm... Working on this as well. Working on my fears and coping is helping this.

I am extremely bright and need a tremendous amount of stimulation from any partner... I think that's pretty true as well

Every relationship required compromise.

In a relationship, somebody else is going to have power over your life.

Some people " honestly tell themselves that if they are good enough, they will be rewarded with human, not divine, love." -- when I read this sentence, I felt like im not the only weird one out there... lol... But, truly, it is goofy sounding and something that I'm completely rewiring within me.

Relationships are hard work... and we have to be healthy in our own right to really give them a strong sense of foundation...