just a mishmash in my brain -- mainly relationships

So re timelines -- I have one in my head. Actually, I have quite a few in my head... I am working on veering away from these in order to live in the grey in a better way...

I have views on relationships, how it should be, etc... It's exhausting... I'm giving these all over to God this instant... I will work on continuing to do so...

So, I have mentioned getting feelings from time to time. I felt like a possible option would come my way in these recent weeks. I realize now that was C.... and I said no to him. I am very proud of that... He actually is the only one I've said no to in quite some time, especially this time that he wanted more of a standard foundation... But I declined in that I don't want him, and that's ok... There are many reasons for this...

Generally, when I put myself back on the dating scene, I do so full-force... I guess I have the tendency to do that with relationships... But in a convo with a friend today, I realized that I need to look at my goals and make sure my ideals are realistic. we didn't even talk about this head-on as it were, but from things that were said, my brain went there... and that's not a bad thing... But I don't want to go full-force. not only is it exhausting, I think patience is better. i'm not good at patience... Can you tell? 8D.

I need to take my time... Don't rush in... And I don't have to take the first option presented to me. It's ok to say no, to listen to my intuition... I know deep down that it is better to be alone than in a bad relationship. This last week, I have frequently wondered if I should have said yes to C. those that know the situation will be like "noooooooooooooooooooooo" and you would be right... but there are those days that I wonder... especially those days I'm attempting to convince myself that I'm doing a good job on my own. I am, but I don't always feel that way.

I also have thought a great deal about all of this in reading on my personality type, INFJ. We tend to jump into relationships, even if they're wrong for us. We don't like to be alone... I'm getting better at being alone, but it's still tough...  And I really want my relationships to be meaningful. Not all dates have to turn into boyfriends, and they haven't, but I just need to keep focused on that... 8D.

I feel better, thanks for listening, dear reader 8D