my personality type and relationships...

I wonder why so many famous infjs aren't married... /sigh... I think i know, lol...

So here are some thoughts in this...

When I want to know something, I research soooo much. I read the books, look at the websites, listen to my intuition, pray, etc. I then make an informed decision... I use the books and such to back up my intuition. I need to trust it more and I'm working on that. I used to think that if others didn't understand my way of gathering info (intuition) then it was wrong... That's simply untrue. It is a good thing to trust my intuition. And if I'm wrong, we'll work through it...

This brings me to relationships. I have to make a decision based on my feelings, my gut, and I often fail at this. I look at what I perceive as the facts and I often don't use my intuition. If I had, I wouldn't place myself in many of the relationships that I have... I know a portion of this has to do with my commitment fears and the hurts that have been done upon me, both self-inflicted and from my childhood. The more I think about it, the more I remember it. There are full years that are blacked-out for me. I don't want to remember in many cases, but I know I eventually must.

How do I make decisions without checking them out? I ask friends, I pray, I do everything I think I should do. I don't always listen, and I end up right back here, bruised, hurt and feeling so lonely and so tired... I just want to scream at the top of my mountain. It's hard, because I know my friends want to help, but they're *all* married. They don't know what it's like to roll over and keep reaching and reaching for someone only to find an empty bed, maybe just a stuffed animal for comfort. I know God comforts me and He does, but I hurt too, because it feels like he thinks i'm so much stronger than I really am... He gives all these people mates, why not me? what am i missing? why am I not worthy? i don't know... It just hurts and makes me feel like I'm not enough. I know I'm enough and I'm awesome and I'm great... but if I truly was, then God would give me a mate... People who are single aren't enough, women especially. it's Biblical, so how am I supposed to feel like a beautiful woman that's enough, when the Bible keeps saying a woman is nothing without a man... I don't know how to fully rationalize that. I pray and I start feeling that women are enough without men, so that means the Bible is a fallacy? It's difficult for me to reconcile both... I know the Bible was written at a different time than now. I know that must be a part of it...

I know that this is what God wants for me... But reconciling between if God truly knows and decides for us what we are going to decide or if we have free agency... What if every man God chooses for me decides to use his free agency and turn his back on me? That's what it feels like, that I'm just one of those that fell through the cracks as it were. God can change minds and hearts, but to what end? Where does the line between free will and God's will start and end?

I know I'm down, and this too shall pass. I'm working on breathing through it and I'll be fine... Just wishing I had more answers right now.