Forgiving revisited

I must come back to the foundational part of forgiveness, and why I am struggling with it. It's strange. Those I love unconditionally or close to are forgiven easily... What is so difficult for me to forgive? Promising to be one way and not measuring up and being apathetic about it. This is something I realize I must face headon. I am realizing that those that make promises that they don't intend to keep don't have a place in my life. If they do, it's minimal. I must forgive them... To forgive does not mean I have to have a casserole with them. It means that I let it go and I have complete peace when thinking about said situation.... I have several situations I am letting go. I need to move on... In most of these cases, I don't want them as an active part in my life. In part, I want an apology... But what has an apology been to me? an absolving of wrong-doing. I know I did things wrong in every situation in which I speak. I have apologized and I would like it to be reciprocated... Why? I have dug deep for this within my heart and soul... I figure that it has to do with self-esteem. I don't feel good enough because they blame me in such a way, to have been the failure in the situation... Some family members are who I speak of as well as other situations... I realize that I am enough and I don't need their blessing, their absolution or their forgiveness. i have God's forgiveness and God's peace and that is enough....

I have my children who mean so much to me.

I have some wonderful friends and some good family members that are so good to us.

And I have a good man in my life that is willing to work through the tough situations... He doesn't run or balk. He helps me fix the mess I've made in parts of my life. We are there for each other and I am so glad to have him in my life. Growing and healing has made me a better girlfriend, mom, person, worker, student, etc. 8D. God is so good...

Sometimes I think God for unanswered prayers...

I am so glad I am with this man... I am glad the last man ran. I am so glad. That, in part, was my wake-up call and I have become better for it and met someone willing to work through it with me.

God is so good 8D

Cranberry sherberty-type goodness

You may notice a trend, but I'm a bit obsessed with cranberries... Well, maybe I'm a lot obsessed. This is the truth, my dad would buy me my own cranberry sauce almost every Thanksgiving and Christmas, so I wouldn't eat it all. We always had the gelatinous can-like mass, and with having to watch my sugar, the amount of carbs in a serving is not doable... So therefore, I keep figuring out my own cranberry recipes. Cranberries themselves are low in carbs, but they are pretty tart. I use Truvia and stevia a great deal in  my cooking, so my cranberry sauce is made with that as the sweetener, and usually halved... I like a bit of tartness in my cranberries. I like understated sweetness most of the time anyway, except for Cadbury eggs. But that is for another time 8D.

I made a cranberry sherbet tonight. I put the cranberries to boil with the sweetener. Let it boil, turned down to a simmer, and let it gel a bit. Blended it with some fake milk and ice. Put in the freezer for about 20 minutes and voila... it was tasty. I ate it all (no one in my household likes cranberries...)

Just a wee update

The semester is almost over (yaaaay). I'm hoping to get some good grades, so I won't spend long here. Just to say that the boys and I are doing well. The boyfriend and family is integrating well thus far. I'm tired at this point. Just sooo much transpiring, but so many blessings 8)

Thanksgiving and my attempt at a cranberry icebox pie

I have so much to be thankful for, so very much. We had a wonderful weekend. Most of it was quiet... But we spent the actual day with my boyfriend and his family... It was wonderful and everyone got along really well. I made my no sugar added cranberry sauce.

I'm working on where I'm going to school and moving to in the near future as well. Some big changes, but it's really exciting 8D.

I cut out the fabric for my best friend's socks... So one step in the right direction.

I just made a cranberry ice box pie...

1 package cranberries
1/3 cup corn starch
3/4 cup water
12 packets truvia or truvia substitute (My oldest says it needs more, but he doesn't like the tartness of cranberries, so keep that in mind as well 8D. So if you'd like it sweeter, more)

 put into a pot and over medium heat, bring to a boil. Reduce to a simmer. Stir vigorously. Allow it to thicken (takes one to two minutes). Let sit for a moment.

In this time, I made a nut-based pie crust. About 8 oz almonds, crushed (i used my coffee grinder from slivered almonds, but not everyone's coffee grinder would be up to the challenge... Another reason a magic bullet would be awesome 8D). Melt 1/4 cup butter and pour over crushed almonds. Heat for about 10 minutes in a 350 degree oven.

Next time, I think with the cranberry mix, i will add a few oz of Greek yogurt. I'm finding this to be an excellent cream cheese alternative. That should make it creamier... Just a thought... A little more testing 8D

I also made my own no-sugar-added whipped cream... I will learn how to do this with Greek yogurt as well for a lower fat version. I used 1 cup heavy whipping cream and 3 truvia packets. I mixed with a hand mixture.

I put the cranberry mixture in the cooled pie crust, and placed in the refrigerator for a bit. I put the whipped cream topping on after the cranberry had already solidified.

I thought it was pretty good for my first attempt 8D

Love Don't Run

This is a beautiful song... This is just how I feel about the romantic relationship I am in. There are still those moments I get scared, muchlessso than ever before, but they do occur... This song gives me peace. 8D I know I am in the right place and with the right person.

STEVE HOLY LYRICS

"Love Don't Run"

This is gonna hurt, this is gonna hurt like hell
This is gonna damn near kill me, sometimes the truth ain't easy
I know that you’re scared of telling me something
I don’t wanna hear, but baby believe that
I’m not leaving, you couldn’t give me one good reason

[Chorus:]
Love don’t run, love don’t hide
It won't turn away or back down from a fight
Baby I’m right here and I ain't going anywhere
Love’s too tough it wont give up no not on us
Baby Love don’t run

Let’s lay it on the line, I don’t care if it takes all night cause
This is gonna make us stronger, it’s gonna make forever longer
I know it’d be easier walking away but what we got is real
And I wanna save us, baby we can do it, Baby we’ll get through it 'cause...

[Chorus:]
Love don’t run, love don’t hide
It won't turn away or back down from a fight
Baby I’m right here and I ain't going anywhere
Love’s too tough, it wont give up no not on us
Baby Love don’t run
Baby love don’t run

[Bridge:]
So come over here and lay down in my arms
Baby tell me everything that’s on your heart, 'cause...

[Chorus:]
I won’t run, and I won’t hide
I won’t turn away, I just wanna make things right
Baby I’m right here and I ain't going anywhere
Love’s too tough it won’t give up no not on us
Baby Love don’t run
Baby Love don’t run

projects...

So I'm now done with the Sack Boy (knitted) and the thread-crocheted doll dress (for an American-girl sized doll). I have the following to do...

1. stocking for me (it was for someone else, but it'll work out 8D), due date 12/25 8D
2. M's Elephant - 2, est due date 12/2/2012
3. brown blanket for coworker - 1, continuous... est due date 12/5/2012
4. M's socks - est due date 12/2/2012
5. A's pillow case, due date 12/7/2012
6. T's socks, due date 12/28/2012
7. A's slippers, due date 12/28/2012
8. M's afghan, due date Christmasish
9. S's afghan, due date Christmasish
10. B's American Girl sized clothes closet -- Modge Podge Project... - Christmasish
11. K's present -- undecided on what for certain... either for bday or Christmas, making him a crocheted Tardis 8D. we'll see
12. D's present -- you read my blog 8D

That's all. /wipes brow...

Forgiveness

As I work more on being calm (it's going so well, btw...) I am doing much better than I have been in that. Forgiveness is important, imperative really. It's so true that forgiveness is sometimes more for the person that is asking for it than the one that is on the other side of it... So much of my anger was caused by the huge chip that grew and grew within me... No, not a computer chip... 8) The other chip... No, not a chocolate chip... Chocolate... Chocolate sounds good. I'm working on forgiving a few people... There are several people in the "I need to forgive them for not believing in me" category. God is good and forgiveness comes so much easier when prayer is involved. I am finding that more and more. My heart must be receptive to forgiveness, and God can make one's heart receptive faster than any other way.

I have a lot going on... A whole lot, and though I'm fretting a bit, I'm doing so much better with staying peaceful in stressful situations. God is good 8D.

The boys are doing well... So well in fact... I love them so so so much. T threw his back out last week, so momma got to nurse him to health as much as possible... He's doing better now... A is doing better in school, yaaaaay!

Grief -- I deal with grief a great deal. Today was my mom's birthday. I have been handling grief so well with all of my coping strategies. I got sad this morning. My boyfriend (i really don't like the term boyfriend. he's not a boy... The man with whom I choose to spend my time and seek a relationship that is open-ended in that we're open to it lasting inevitably is a bit long so I guess boyfriend must suffice.) is very supportive in my grief. I can be hard to handle in that... It's much easier now that I've found my foundation... My foundation was completely brittle prior to all of this self-change... I miss my mom and her support. Though we had hard times, she really helped me believe that I could do anything I set my mind to. Learning so much about myself has helped me to be more peaceful and kind-hearted in thinking of my mother... This is a *very* good thing...

Well, I need to finish crocheting a thread-dress by saturday early afternoon and my hands are tired, so I'm typing, because that makes sense... but I'm typing slowly... 8D

Next on the crafting front...

1. brown afghan for coworker
2. elephant for best friend
3. potentially a stocking
4. pillow case for A.
5. 2 pairs of socks for best friend...

These are all due by the first week in December... Brown afghan isn't, but I want to get it done asap... And finals are at the same time, etc 8) I can do this, because I am awesome 8D.

Pity Party Clean-up

My last post was a bit of a pity party, so I've decided to clean up, enjoy the rain, pray, meditate, watch a movie, crochet and study (i'm a multi-tasker 8D).

Things I'm thankful for...

1. my children and all they teach me
2. how far I've come and how much easier it is to be at peace within me
3. my awesome friends
4. a wonderful man who believes in me.
5. chocolate

I know I can be more at peace and sustain a happy countenance... I know I can, with God all things are possible.

8D

one of "those" days...

I'm having one of those days. Work was crazy, and I got a bit frazzled... I stayed in control and did well... But today, my internal anger was worse than it had been in weeks. I didn't act on it, and I really really worked to make sure that I wouldn't... I started examining past relationships... i get here sometimes, I start examining my past to ensure a better future. It can be good *to a point*. It's not good when I get in these moods... I see now something very profound... In most relationships I have been in, there are time constraints. That's just how it is when dating when you're a parent and have a job and now I'm in school, etc. That makes it easy to justify the lack of contact and such that you may have with someone... I'm not used to spending a lot of time with someone... I will be utterly honest that I still sometimes wonder if I'm healthy enough to embark on a longterm relationship... I feel this way at the moment... I don't want to hurt people... I know it can be said that I can expect too much at times... I think that may be true... I used to be codependent... This is something I've worked on for years. My strength is in me through God... I know I am strong enough. I am constantly growing and I can do this... The man I'm with now, we contact each other when we can.... I feel so completely loved. i see that this is important... in the past, i've felt neglected when I didn't have human interaction (not just in a relationship, people in general). In realizing I was neglecting myself, this has helped so much... This has helped me approach this new relationship in a much healthier light...

So, everything else is going well. The boys are doing well. School's going well. Orchestra is going well for them. They're growing so much 8D. School for me is tough and I'm tired. /sigh. But I'm hanging in there 8D.

Right now, I'm missing something though... I am just having a day, I know... This too shall pass.

Love and light to you all...

Intelligent Airhead

to those that are looking for a relationship

Dear Reader,
I want to speak to those who are sad and wondering if they will ever meet someone compatible with them that will work... I want to say a few things... Relationships can have their trials, but the huge elements needed for such an operation is that both parties are wanting to make it work. Healing and fixing oneself helps such a great deal. We are where we need to be... We all hear the songs and watch the movies that make love seem so simple... Part of it is and can be. So many thoughts and words that people have said to me in my past have come to mind... I am now in a love deeper and stronger than I've ever felt. I know this time, it may work out. I am in the understanding that it may not, and if that is to be so, I will be alright... The truth is, it can happen for you, dear reader, when you least expect it.

Don't lose hope.

Sincerely,
The Intelligent Airhead

Security

I now see that the security I was seeking in past relationships and in life in general doesn't exist. i should know this with the losses in my past more than most... But unfortunately, I have found myself compartmentalizing and wanting so much safety and stability. Many people have tried to give me that stability by telling me they would always be there, etc... But my dear friend's loss has shown me more than ever, since I am more able to see truths such as this, that we cannot obtain such safety in life. God has us and he is with us regardless. We will be ok. We must rest in Him... That being said, in opening myself once again to love, I know that it could end. It might... But I must try. And if this fails, I have my confidence and God's love to hold me... as I do in the good times and the bad... Such good truths there 8D.

becoming more peaceful...

It's pretty awesome, my coping techniques are helping a great deal. I'm moving on and working on living in the moment. I'm taking one day at a time... This is new for me, and definitely new for me in relationships... Yup, things are going well. 8D

Things are going well, but I'm so busy... Every other week in school, *everything* is due... And we have family coming into town this weekend... /sigh... I had been really good about staying on top of it, but things have been a bit tougher as of late...

I went to a Randy Rogers Band concert at western days alone last Friday. It was soooo much fun. I had a good time... I really like RRB. Reminded me of the first time that I saw them in concert at Billy Bob's Texas 6 years ago. I was alone then as well... So much more depressed though... I'm pretty excited about all the changes transpiring in my coping and in my demeanor... Good stuff 8D.

Good Grief

I decided to be a bit punny about a serious subject... grief. What I have come to over the years in words that I can now formulate... Death is a part of life... It's not a bad thing. We can look at it in a peaceful way...

Ecclesiastes 3:1-2 -- "There is a time for everything, and everything on earth has its special season. There is a time to be born and a time to die."

Zephaniah 3:17 -- The Lord your God is with you. He is mighty to save. He will rejoice over you. You will rest in his love; he will sing and be joyful about you.

I have spoken with my dear friend, M. a great deal this week. She keeps telling me "Live in the moment." Very good advice. I have a tendency to do otherwise.

The peace on a daily basis that I'm acquiring (via God of course 8D) is helping me a great deal through this and through my whole life.

God is so good and he gives us so much. I am so completely blessed and that brings me tears of joy.

Grief can be good. It can be healing. It can also be crippling if you allow it to make you angry for years, as I have done. Grief has helped me in ways, and it can be good.

I am also seeing that I need people around that understand how I grieve and what I need is to hear that I will be ok, that I am strong, that they can hold me and help me in simple ways such as bringing me food or just talking to me. I have had such support in this. Thank you all so much 8D

Sad

My heart aches for my friend and her young daughters. He was so young. As I watched my friend hurt,, I kept thinking of all the times I have been told that death and divorce are similar... Death is so much worse...

My sons are being so sweet. Tristan even offered that I could watch Pride and Prejudice... 8D. Wow, that is a sacrifice... We're talking the 6 hour version...

In regards to relationships, J, the most recent boyfriend is out of my life at this time. I know its for the best. He knows what's happening with my friend, and he's not here... I told another exboyfriend and he was all concerned and asking questions, etc. It's ironic that P apologized last week... That's the one from years ago... I say this because the breakup with P and J are similar in ways... And there were times with P that it was obvious he didn't feel he should help, etc... though i was much more needy at the time... Now, my neediness is now and then, but my support system is strong this time... The boys are helping me so much this weekend, my sister is concerned, and I have some friends that are listening to me so that I can be strong for my dear friend...  Also, I have started emailing with someone... and he is listening to me, and helping to cheer me up. That is very kind of him... I realize what I need from J is something he can't or wont give...

From the perspective I'm at now, it's easy to see that P never was really that into me, though I think he once cared to a point... I think I will someday feel the same way about J. and that is good... I hesitate to use the J initial since there are so many ppl that have been and are in my life with the J initial... and some that have the name Jay... but I don't mean my dear friend Jay... She is awesome and she is so helpful... I am so appreciative of that 8D.

My coping skills and meditating skills helped so much in this situation. I am so thankful for these tools, so I can be a more effective friend... and i'll just get better 8D.

8(

I come to you this evening with a heavy heart. My best friend's husband passed away today. I'm so saddened by this. I feel guilty as well, because for so long, I have had a chip on my shoulder... So many people have it harder than me. I am so concerned for my dear friend and for her children. If you could take a moment to pray for them, it would be appreciated. Thank you.

Things that make you go

Wth!

So a few things...

I told someone yesterday that I was feeling defensive and he promptly said that we shouldnt speak to each other again. This is the third (second with him) time that has happened. Is it a control thing? Do they want to be the one to step back? I wrote it both times, so maybe they didn't understand? I needed a break for a few hours... That shouldn't be difficult to understand, but I guess it is.. C was the other one who did this months back... I just don't get it, but honestly if they don't want to give me a moment so I don't get defensive, then it's for the best that they are out of my life... They make it easy, and that's nice 8D.


So brings me to another thing. I suddenly get a message from an ex boyfriend from years and years back saying he was sorry. I forgave him long ago... But honestly, the biggest thing I feel right now is relief. He really wasn't the right one for me. I keep hearing unanswered prayers by garth brooks in my head... kinda cool... Just so odd...

Thoughts on Spirituality...

Here I go again being to dogmatic in my spirituality, just the way I don't wanna be.

So here are some ideas and basic foundational thoughts.

I believe in God.
I believe in Jesus.
I believe in peace.
I believe in God's will -- free will is something I'm still wondering about... I will pray and meditate on this...

I believe I need to get back to the basics and focus on God... His will re my future will come to light when He is ready to show me.

I believe that God is love and his way of punishment is *not* pain. We sometimes must go through pain though... Let me explain. When I was young, I was in a religion that was very restrictive. I then went to another religion that felt that if we had any sickness or anything wrong in life, we were in the wrong and somehow disobeying God. I have not realized until now how much this is still shaping my mindset, especially when I'm reeling...

So much of my religious experience makes it seem like God is so black and white. I know that's not the case, and this is something I want to build on and fix... That will be a huge goal in the spirituality department...

That and increasing my intuition. I should follow it more.. It has proved smart to do so in my past...

just a mishmash in my brain -- mainly relationships

So re timelines -- I have one in my head. Actually, I have quite a few in my head... I am working on veering away from these in order to live in the grey in a better way...

I have views on relationships, how it should be, etc... It's exhausting... I'm giving these all over to God this instant... I will work on continuing to do so...

So, I have mentioned getting feelings from time to time. I felt like a possible option would come my way in these recent weeks. I realize now that was C.... and I said no to him. I am very proud of that... He actually is the only one I've said no to in quite some time, especially this time that he wanted more of a standard foundation... But I declined in that I don't want him, and that's ok... There are many reasons for this...

Generally, when I put myself back on the dating scene, I do so full-force... I guess I have the tendency to do that with relationships... But in a convo with a friend today, I realized that I need to look at my goals and make sure my ideals are realistic. we didn't even talk about this head-on as it were, but from things that were said, my brain went there... and that's not a bad thing... But I don't want to go full-force. not only is it exhausting, I think patience is better. i'm not good at patience... Can you tell? 8D.

I need to take my time... Don't rush in... And I don't have to take the first option presented to me. It's ok to say no, to listen to my intuition... I know deep down that it is better to be alone than in a bad relationship. This last week, I have frequently wondered if I should have said yes to C. those that know the situation will be like "noooooooooooooooooooooo" and you would be right... but there are those days that I wonder... especially those days I'm attempting to convince myself that I'm doing a good job on my own. I am, but I don't always feel that way.

I also have thought a great deal about all of this in reading on my personality type, INFJ. We tend to jump into relationships, even if they're wrong for us. We don't like to be alone... I'm getting better at being alone, but it's still tough...  And I really want my relationships to be meaningful. Not all dates have to turn into boyfriends, and they haven't, but I just need to keep focused on that... 8D.

I feel better, thanks for listening, dear reader 8D

still aching...

Some days, the heartache is more than it has been for the last several months... I know I will get over the exboyfriend from several months ago... In reading my book, I'm seeing why it's so tough...

Active runners promise so much, say I love you quickly, desire to integrate you into their life quickly, etc. I have learned to slow down in this... If someone isn't respectful of me being a bit slower into this, then they don't respect me and it's a moot point anyway. He begged to meet my sons, and like the idiot that i can be, I let them meet twice i really thought he was here for good. My oldest, who falls in love with no one but a very distinguished list, fell in love with him. The first weekend after the breakup, he and i hugged and cried together. He sobbed and said, "I thought he was the one." i broke my son's heart and I still haven't forgiven myself... What was harder, is my oldest son kept saying that he would come back. He's stopped with that and that's just as painful... He's given up on him. They only met twice and I am glad for that, but I will be muuuuch more careful in the future with that. I will refuse to even discuss a meeting until after 6 months or maybe a year after dating... I think that's safer.

active runners also have the tendency to cheat and end relationships that way. I'm so glad he didn't do so with me. that would ache more.


I'm so weary and so tired of being single. I know i can do anything that a man can do and the boys help me with a lot... We joke that the only thing we need a man for is opening up coconut oil bottles. Those are tough little boogers 8D. of course, i miss the adult companionship in more ways than one, but I would never tell them that...

active runners are all in from the very beginning. as soon as they see that they've won someone's heart, they generally subconsciously, start running for the door very quickly. I now see a lot of examples from my life and I know more what to avoid. i know how to be more active for my part and what thought processes to avoid, to avoid fantasy, etc.

And when there is a breakup, active runners make allll sorts of excuses to prevent the reconciliation or they reconcile and break up...  (on again/off again). yes, it's possible that the active runner will come back...

I am looking for love elsewhere. I have to open up my heart and know that he may never come back around romantically. i actively am working on my feelings to be where i need to be and i would expect anyone i'm with to do the same...

my personality type and relationships...

I wonder why so many famous infjs aren't married... /sigh... I think i know, lol...

So here are some thoughts in this...

When I want to know something, I research soooo much. I read the books, look at the websites, listen to my intuition, pray, etc. I then make an informed decision... I use the books and such to back up my intuition. I need to trust it more and I'm working on that. I used to think that if others didn't understand my way of gathering info (intuition) then it was wrong... That's simply untrue. It is a good thing to trust my intuition. And if I'm wrong, we'll work through it...

This brings me to relationships. I have to make a decision based on my feelings, my gut, and I often fail at this. I look at what I perceive as the facts and I often don't use my intuition. If I had, I wouldn't place myself in many of the relationships that I have... I know a portion of this has to do with my commitment fears and the hurts that have been done upon me, both self-inflicted and from my childhood. The more I think about it, the more I remember it. There are full years that are blacked-out for me. I don't want to remember in many cases, but I know I eventually must.

How do I make decisions without checking them out? I ask friends, I pray, I do everything I think I should do. I don't always listen, and I end up right back here, bruised, hurt and feeling so lonely and so tired... I just want to scream at the top of my mountain. It's hard, because I know my friends want to help, but they're *all* married. They don't know what it's like to roll over and keep reaching and reaching for someone only to find an empty bed, maybe just a stuffed animal for comfort. I know God comforts me and He does, but I hurt too, because it feels like he thinks i'm so much stronger than I really am... He gives all these people mates, why not me? what am i missing? why am I not worthy? i don't know... It just hurts and makes me feel like I'm not enough. I know I'm enough and I'm awesome and I'm great... but if I truly was, then God would give me a mate... People who are single aren't enough, women especially. it's Biblical, so how am I supposed to feel like a beautiful woman that's enough, when the Bible keeps saying a woman is nothing without a man... I don't know how to fully rationalize that. I pray and I start feeling that women are enough without men, so that means the Bible is a fallacy? It's difficult for me to reconcile both... I know the Bible was written at a different time than now. I know that must be a part of it...

I know that this is what God wants for me... But reconciling between if God truly knows and decides for us what we are going to decide or if we have free agency... What if every man God chooses for me decides to use his free agency and turn his back on me? That's what it feels like, that I'm just one of those that fell through the cracks as it were. God can change minds and hearts, but to what end? Where does the line between free will and God's will start and end?

I know I'm down, and this too shall pass. I'm working on breathing through it and I'll be fine... Just wishing I had more answers right now.

one day at a time...

I'm walking one step at a time in not being pushy. I'm attempting to tread carefully... I see the future sometimes, and I try to stuff it to make it fit. I'm working on all of this.

One of the great myths of our culture is that if a relationship is right, it will be easy to make and sustain a commitment to it...No matter how perfectly suited any two people are to each other, it's not easy. Instead of trying to find the perfect relationship, work at making your relationship the best it can be.

I was reading in my commitmentphobe book, and I started crying... Every active commitment phobe trait has been a ploy that a man has used in a relationship... I have let this happen. And I can work towards a healthy relationship. While that is exciting, my heart wants the last relationship so very badly... And I have to resign myself to the fact that it will not happen. I know that so much would have to change. In reading the book, I see some major mistakes we both made in the foundation of the relationship... It's possible... but I have to hold my head high and know that someday, I will have love, and it will be what God wants for me.

I am working so hard to keep God as my focus. I am working so hard to sustain a strong relationship with Him and my children. I am so weary and so tired... I have only gone through three weeks of school. This part should be a cake walk and it's not... I know that we can do this. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. -- Philippians 4:13.

I know that when I'm ready, a man will come along and it will work.. I know that discouragement comes... It will pass.

more thoughts on fixing me...

After this weekend with C  contacting me and having to tell him I'm not interested and such... I am certain I have some commitment issues I want to work on further. I'm still reading some books, and that's helping. I feel strong, because I was able to tell someone no... I didn't realize that it could be narcissistic on my part... me wanting my family to accept me... this was in the book! apparently this isn't as uncommon as I anticipated... I feel like enough, even though I am not in a relationship, but I am really working to keep that in mind right now... It's hard to be strong, especially since C. is very persistent at times... I can be strong and I know that this is the right thing to do... Another form of narcissism re relationships is dating someone so you can be on a man's arm... These types of feelings would be the only reasons to continue anything with C. and truth is, I'd rather be alone than in a bad relationship... Plus he got a ton of chances before... I guess I'm still convincing myself it's right, but my intuition tells me it is and i need to stand up for that... 8D. Knowing my personality type and researching it is showing me so much of who I am and how I can improve... 8D. I got a perfect score on that assignment as well. Woot!!! (Try writing a 50 word essay on your personality type. It's not easy 8D... Way too short 8D.)


from my book, this hit me... taking into consideration a commitmentphobic man who pursues then panics, let's say he meets a woman and pursues her that has a low self esteem and feels that her worth is based on a man's perception of her. He tells her she's beautiful, he says all of these words that mean so much more to her than a typical woman, because she didn't feel the worth prior to this. Then he panics and pulls away, and she is left reeling, with no firm center of her own.... Oh my goodness!!!! This is what happened to me!!! I'm getting it now 8D.


I'm feeling stronger and I can do this... God is good 8D

saying no, my personality type, etc...

I had to find out what personality type I am on the Myers Briggs spectrum for a class that I'm taking and I am an INFJ. It fits me sooooo well. I was reading that they are very intuitive and can't explain why...  I can make decisions on my intuitiveness... Yay!!! I made a decision not to see C., the exboyfriend who tried to come back over the weekend... I have so many reasons. I kept feeling that it was only going to last one date... I'm seeing now that this doesn't mean i *have to* go on that date... I think it was 1 date at the most. I knew it wouldn't last, so therefore I'm protecting my heart and him too, really...

INFJ's haaate conflict, and that's the main time they'll get angry... Hmm... Sounds familiar 8D. I'm working on it, but it sounds familiar 8D.

I want to write more on my personality type, but I have soooo much to do for school this evening.

Life is funny

Life is funny. We put out there something within the universe, and it happens, just not the way we expect. I said in a previous post that I wish I had my exboyfriend encouraging me, and lo and behold, a different exboyfriend contacts me... The awesome thing is he apologized profusely for hurting me, admitting how wrong he was... he never did that, so this is pretty amazing. It really helps close the door on that situation... Of course, he wants to come back, and that's a whole kettle fish I had not thought I would ever have to encounter... So, I'm reading my commitmentphobia book in my downtime (free-time) now... It's helpful... i see some concerns, which is why I'm reading this book. This whole healthy nerd thing is new for me, and I want to be sure I have a strong foundation 8D It's keeping it in perspective. I am very cautious and honestly, with me working on my lack of fear, this really helps. I am doing a lot better in my expectations... I am being self-protective... I keep praying, and I feel I am supposed to at least hear him out and go on one date... Gulp. We shall see. I shall keep praying...

stubbornness

I can be so stubborn and so controlling in trying to make things fit the way I want them to... I'm seeing how completely crazy this has made my life in my past... I will get better about it. Knowing is half the battle 8D

On the score of stubbornness, I miss him... I will get through it but it's rough... Just remembering all the different ideas from the book, how to let him go...

Also, in regards to dating, I have a feeling I'm gonna be dating awhile to find a viable match. But this will be a good experience 8). I still really thought i had found it.... And for a time, I did... But I'm glad we tried, beyond anything else... It gave me so much peace and stability for my present and future... I just wish he was in my future still, but I know the boys and me will be fine and we will have a different future than I can see 8)... I just must have faith in God 8D.

I feel a bit like a fool for begging him to come back the other day. /sigh. yes, i begged... But the good thing about that -- i feel resolved that I did *everything* I could to save something so beautiful... I tried... It also helped me to see that the initial fallout may not have been as much completely my fault as I previously thought... It takes two and I definitely could have done things better. This is a learning experience... All in all, I am glad I tried one more time before working so actively to let this go... Even with all the changes, a small part of me hoped he would see that I could change and that I am trying to be a better person. He did see that, it just wasn't enough. Things don't happen on my time table, and truth be known, if he's not ready, I'm so glad he said no... This is what I mean by me being pushy... Sigh... I will improve for myself and my kiddoes and to be the best me I can be...

whew

Week 2 and school is already getting hard to juggle. The boys are not working well with me in this... It's new for them and it will get better... For now, though, we're still adjusting. It made me feel really lonely though... yes for a relationship... I was doing so well today and then I lost it... got pretty upset but now I'm using my techniques again... This is it, the fact is we're all imperfect and we all fall short... I have to pick myself up from where I am and work from here. we can do this... me, God, and white wine... 8D the boys are used to me doing a whole lot for them, and being there for them, so the fact that I need quiet time is kind of tough to understand... I'm glad they're this age and not younger... This will be an adjustment, but i have to do it... It just makes me miss the exboyfriend, cuz I know he would be encouraging... I just have to find encouragement within and elsewhere, and i will 8D

The boys are doing ok. We're all adjusting in ways, but God is good, and we'll get through...

I had to totally cut myself off from my exboyfriend this week. I wish him so well... The fact is I wanted so much more than he can give right now... This is the truth, we are not meant to be in the places we are now... I wanted to be so much to him and i keep asking and he has to keep rejecting, which is hard for him too, I'm sure... The fact is, I keep trying to tell myself he doesn't love me enough... and in a way, that may be true... But the true portion is God should be in control and i have been trying to control many situations waay too much, including this one. God is in control, and I should let him be, but I'm still working on that one... This is very tough for me, but I know I will get better. It'll just take time 8) God has a beautiful plan for both of us, and we may not be the romantic interests in the other's plan... I'm not totally saying no but I have to act like it's not a possibility right now, because I was becoming too hopeful... I just believe way too much in him and me right now... and that is lessening, since I feel he doesnt love me enough to try again... So that helps in letting him go...

Earlier, I thought I was ready to date again, but I'm so damn busy with everything, I feel so torn and a bit scared right now... I will open up to dating, I just know it... I'm just really stressed... stressed backwards spells... desserts. nom...  I still am working on calming down and staying calm on a regular basis. It's getting better, but I had a bit of a backslide today...8( for the most part, i'm improving so much... backslides were gonna happen... unfortunately... But I am posting my dating profile again... It's time to do so... I must open up to the idea of a new love... And I feel it's time to do so...

Heavy Heart

The load I am carrying is great. In fact, I am crippling beneath it.
The love that I shared with someone is now repulsive to them.
I have been carrying it in hopes that they would come back.
I hear God's voice -- Let go. I have a plan.

I let it go and it crashes to the ground.
The love flows out until we are knee deep in love.
The pieces are broken and scattered around.
God calmly picks up every piece.
He puts them in His box and he picks me up.

He holds me and tells me,
"I can do so much more if you'll let me.
I can make you into a beautiful piece of clay if you will submit yourself to Me.
I can make your life even more amazing if you will have faith and let me work.
You are smart, but dear child, I am so much smarter.
I know so much more and I can do so much for you.
Let me help you."

"I have a plan for you, dear child, and it is much better than you can imagine.
Love me and keep me in your heart.
Do as I say and hold onto my hand.
We can make it through any storm.
You can do anything in my name."

Dear, God, I don't know your plan.
I give you my heart and my soul and my broken dreams.
They are yours.
Your path that you have for me is so much better than the uneven cobblestone path behind me.
I love you, dear Lord, and I submit to you.

pain and peace

I don't know where to start... The beautiful thing is I've been able to be peaceful through turmoil on a more day-to-day and moment-to-moment basis. I feel God's love on me constantly. I am praying a great deal to stay in this place, but it's so very worth it...

I'm very sad, and I have so much school work to do, so I'm blogging before I study, because my brain is just gooey right now...

In loving myself and being more at peace with myself, something happened that i didn't expect. I had been talking to my exboyfriend for a few weeks, and we both have expressed that we still cared, but with the pain lessening in my heart in general, love for him filled it like I have never experienced love before. This might be a glimpse. This might be to show me how healthy love is really supposed to feel. I'm not sure... Of course, it didn't go well... as you can imagine... so once again, I'm working on letting him go. Dear reader, I love him more than I've ever loved a romantic interest before. I can't be in an unrequited situation again. My heart is breaking all over again. I feel so foolish and so hurt... I know if he truly loved me and felt i was a viable match and we could work together, we would be together.. or he would let me know what the issue might be...  I just need to pick up the pieces of my heart and deal with the situation as it is.


so I'm going to appeal to my first love, God... I am praying and thinking, and singing and praising... I might end up at church tonight... That would be wonderful 8)... Turn this around... I do need to study, but I have a feeling if i stay home, less studying will get done than if I go to church at least for praise and worship, which will give me soooo much peace again. I love this church near me... The lessons are also amazing... So we shall see 8D.

My Quality World

The following is an essay I had to complete for school... It had  to be short... I am so bad at writing short essays... I want to be verbose... 8/ But I felt this was a very good basis of who I am, who I want to be and my goals to attain it 8D.        

 My quality world consists of numerous wonderful people, my sons and my friends, whom I care for dearly. I most want to experience self-fulfillment, peace, and happiness throughout my life. My values and beliefs that will help me towards that are my feelings that happiness is a choice and my belief in Christianity.

I am struggling in several areas in my quest to be an autonomous learner. I need to be better at using effective learning strategies and adapting these strategies to new situations and to manage my behaviors to better reach my goals. I am setting two goals that will aid me in my quest to do so. I will keep an organized calendar and follow it to avoid procrastination. I will also plan at each new situation a way to handle it, so that I will not feel overwhelmed or scared of the obstacles that each new situation brings.  

What I want from a relationship

So I am ready to post what I want from a future relationship... and my ideal partner in regards to how I feel at this time. Will it change? sure...

1. someone open to and willing to work towards an open-ended monogamous relationship (open to the idea of it lasting inevitably)
2. open to the fact I have children and they come first in regards to time etc.
3. open to the fact that I am going to college and I am pretty intelligent (sadly, this has been a problem in my distant past. )
4. open to the fact I can't have more children
5. open to the fact that I am consistently growing and learning about myself and the world
6. open to working together and learning and growing... willing to stick things out, rather than run at the first sign of conflict.
7. someone geeky -- who likes star wars, gaming, etc...
8. someone who doesnt mind that I like to be protected and held now and then... I do need to play the typical female role every once in awhile.
9. someone who is willing to understand that I am stubborn, though this is something I am working on... I know we are all stubborn and I am working on being more tolerant as well...
10. open to sharing about themselves and letting me in.. Im not looking for perfection. I'm not looking for someone who is willing to change for me (though on some level, I used to). I want someone who is willing to compromise when necessary and I will compromise too... I'm working on my boundaries so I can compromise enough without endangering my core...
11. someone who would like to see me at least once per week and talk to me on the phone at least a couple times a week. I know everyone has busy lives and this is a bit malleable... But some contact (phone if a face to face meeting is impossible) is imperative...
12. someone who would like to have me on their arm, take me out now and then... (im by no means picky on this... I can be a homebody as well, so I don't need to go out all the time, plus I am understanding that everyone has budgets, but going out every once in awhile is great (plus i often have coupons or know places with deals 8)))
13. i like little things and giving little things... i love bars of soap and socks and it's so nice to get little gifts, or even a coke zero 8D now and then... I like giving little things like this too, whether it be a star wars necklace, etc...
14 someone who wants me for me and I for them...
15. someone who doesnt mind I am independent, but I am dependent now and then... still working on how to be more healthy at both 8D. i do need someone who is kind of in the middle as well. someone so independent that doesn't let me in is tough and also someone who is so clingy that I cannot move is also tough...

Now that I've written all this out, it saddens me a bit... The last relationship had all of this except for 6, sometimes 10, and the fact that I was having trouble with 14... since i didnt love me... But, it is what it is, and I have to continue to work on letting go....

But I will find this. I just know it... I know that there will be someone for me that is what I need, and I am what he needs...when we are ready 8)

thinking a bit about marriage and commitment

In thinking about marriage, what I want from a relationship and what I don't, I am looking for what fantasies I have in marriage and in relationships as well. I don't really feel I should list them or list them in their entirety at this time, but suffice it to say, I am working out what is and isn't healthy and what I want in me...

I could say that living with a man, the man I choose and who chooses me, would be enough... And for all the things that i want in a relationship, living together would do. There is that romantic part of me, that does wish for marriage... I used to, until very recently, wish for marriage shortly after living with someone... Now, the good thing in this, is i haven't lived with anyone for a pretty long time... My book I'm reading talks about this, how we have preconceived notions in regards to the steps a relationship takes. I definitely do this... and the aforementioned is a perfect example.

I will write a blog with what I'm looking for to keep me grounded and to work through each individual want to conclude if it's healthy or not... I'm too tired now at this present time though... I will fight the urge to curl up and read more Pride and prejudice...

I realized why I love this story and why I seem to have become especially obsessed with it this time (i usually watch it following every break up... but this time I can't get enough, so i'm reading it too 8)). I empathize with Elizabeth... She's not the most conventional woman of her time... She refused two proposals, in a time where most would see her foolish to refuse one, since she had so much riding on her at times... She chose to marry for love... In her instance, her heart changed... and her perspective of a certain Mr. Darcy changed... I have been told I'm foolish for holding out for love...Alas, I must do what I can live with. I must choose my mate in regards to love. This is what I must do to be true to myself, not to prove anything to anyone, not to live up to some expectation that they may have for me... But to be me... And that's it 8) It's a good feeling to have that image etched into my mind... A good feeling and strengthening and peaceful, and so many other adjectives that I am to tired to think of. I also love the way Jane Austen adds humor to her stories, so understated, yet defined...

I am told enough that to marry for love is foolish, and I find it odd in this age... Love is the usual reason for monogamous relationships, I thought... Will I get married? not sure... Will I love again? I know I will. I sense it...

some wonderful thoughts on the fear of commitment

I was reading in my self help book, and I kept thinking, oh my heavens, this is me...

I want to share some of it... It was talking about how we lose a bit of freedom in all relationships. We go from me to we, and that can be scary even in a pretty healthy relationship... It's true... And really, the things i've been scared of are the very things I want to fix (loss of control, etc). The anticipation or the idea of the loss of freedom is often worse than the loss itself, so true...


I am accustomed to having chaos in my life. To a degree, this is true... And im not really sure how to be or what to do when things are calm... Working on this as well. Working on my fears and coping is helping this.

I am extremely bright and need a tremendous amount of stimulation from any partner... I think that's pretty true as well

Every relationship required compromise.

In a relationship, somebody else is going to have power over your life.

Some people " honestly tell themselves that if they are good enough, they will be rewarded with human, not divine, love." -- when I read this sentence, I felt like im not the only weird one out there... lol... But, truly, it is goofy sounding and something that I'm completely rewiring within me.

Relationships are hard work... and we have to be healthy in our own right to really give them a strong sense of foundation...

More than a memory

The following is one of my absolute favorite Garth Brooks songs... My pandora station seems to like it... a lot...


People say she's only in my head
It's gonna take time but I'll forget
They say I need to get on with my life
What they don't realize

Is when you're dialing six numbers just to hang up the phone
Driving 'cross town just to see if she's home
Waking a friend in the dead of night
Just to hear him say, "It's gonna be all right"
When you find the things to do not to fall asleep
'Cause you know she'll be there in your dreams
That's when she's more than a memory

Took a match to everything she ever wrote
Watched her words go up in smoke
Tore all the pictures off the wall
But that ain't helping me at all

'Cause when you're talking out loud and nobody's there
You look like hell and you just don't care
Drinking more than you ever drank
Sinking down lower than you ever sank
When you find yourself falling down upon your knees
Praying to God and begging Him please
That's when she's more than a memory

She's more
She's more

'Cause when you're dialing her number just to hang up the phone
Driving 'cross town just to see if she's home
Waking a friend in the dead of night
Just to hear him say, "It's gonna be all right"
When you find the things to do not to fall asleep
'Cause you know she's waiting in your dreams
That's when she's more than a memory

People say she's only in my head
It's gonna take time but I'll forget

To Gnome me is to love me

The following is from the (rather short) perspective of a gnome, M. Her name has been shortened to protect the innocent 8D


Hello, there. My name is M. There is a time in every gnome's life that you wonder if something is missing. My  thoughts on love are perhaps a bit innocent and maybe even naive. I haven't really met too many men that I would like to date for long... When I win in a duel, they don't generally call on me again. That's ok, though... I sometimes run away as well. Frost nova (ties them in place), then I blink (instantly travel 20 yards) and then  I go invisible...


I will fall in love someday. I'm more confident in me... I do like to go out and eat alone... It helps that I can get the kids' meal as well. After all, I am a gnome...



(more later...)

The Holiday

I looooove this movie... As my children say, it's one of my sappy Christmas movies...

But it has some great quotes...

Arthur Abbott: He let you go. This is not a hard one to figure out. Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend.

Iris: You're so right. You're supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for god's sake! Arthur, I've been going to a

therapist for three years, and she's never explained anything to me that well. That was brilliant. Brutal, but brilliant. 

Iris: Shush. You broke my heart. And you acted like somehow it was my fault, my misunderstanding, and I was too in love with you to ever be mad at you, so I just punished myself! For years! But you waltzing in here on my lovely Christmas holiday, and telling me that you don't want to lose me whilst you're about to get MARRIED, somehow newly entitles me to say, it's over. This - This twisted, toxic THING between us, is finally finished! I'm miraculously done being in love with you! Ha! I've got a life to start living. 

Iris: I have found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said, "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. 

Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms.

Miles: Why do I always fall for the bad girl?
Iris: You didn't know that she was a bad girl.
Miles: I knew she wasn't good. [When being offered coffee] Do you have anything, a little bit stronger? [Now receiving the drink] Thank you. Let me rephrase this. Why am I attracted to a person I know isn't good?
Iris: I happen to know the answer to this. Because you're hoping you're wrong. And every time she does something that tells you she's no good, you ignore it. And every time she comes through and surprises you, she wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that she's not for you.
Miles: Exactly, and on top of that there's the old standby, I can't believe a girl like that would actually be with a guy like me. You know what she said to me tonight. She said, she finished in Santa Fe after 2 days and is being staying with whatever his name was; which means, she's been right here in town; which means when I spoke to her this morning on her cell and she said "I am looking out of my window and its snowing". She was in Santa Monica. What did she do, go to weather.com. That must have made both of them scream with laughter. In the meantime, I sent her Christmas gift to Saint Fe yesterday. I stood in line at Fed Ex, made sure she got it on time. Uh! Classic, right? Look I don't want to ruin your Christmas Eve. You don't have to listen to this.
Iris: It's okay. I like the company. So how about some food? Shall I make us a little Christmas fettucini.
Miles: Sure
Iris: Listen, I know its hard to believe people when they say "I know how you feel". But I actually know how you feel. You see, I was seeing someone back in London. We work for the same newspaper and then I found out that he was also seeing this other girl, Sarah from the circulation department on the 19th floor. Turned out that he was not in love with me like I thought. What I am trying to say is, I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.
Miles: Phoof!!! Well, F***? You need this more than I do. That's what your doing here, your getting over somebody.
Iris: Yeah! This is me in good shape.
Miles: Is this the guy who send you pages from his novel?
Iris: Yeah. He needs me.
Miles: So he stays in touch?
Iris: All the time.
Miles: So that makes it impossible to forget him; Which is great for him but sucks for you.
Iris: You see how great your life is compared to mine.
Miles: Okay, let's go. I making you some fettucini. It is Christmas Eve and we are going to sit out on the Italia, make us a little fire, pop us a bubbly. We are going to celebrate being young and being alive. You with me, Simpkins?
Iris: Miles. You really are an incredibly decent man.
Miles: I know. It's always been my problem.

Amanda: Sex makes everything more complicated. Even not having it, because the not having it... makes it complicated.
Graham: That's why it's better to have it... some say. 

..

---

Miles: Accidental Boob graze.

Thinking... who me? 8D

I'm thinking of soooo many things, so a tangent-like blog will ensue.

I have come to almost acceptance in where I am. I am definitely excited with the changes taking place within me. I am healing and learning and passing along thoughts and help to others. I'm feeling stronger everyday as a person...

I want to talk a bit about anger... I used to need someone to taunt my anger off of me... For non-World of warcraft-type (i know this would apply to other mmorpgs but I'm really not familiar with many of them), I hear the word "taunt" a lot... Every time I hear it in a non-gaming fashion, I can't help but think of wow at this point... I've been wow-washed. hahaha 8D I digress. So taunting is when a tank aggros the boss, so that the off-tank or others aren't hurt by the boss... So in raids, we often hear, "taunt" (generally in a dry bored voice, lol). Also, "enraging" is when the boss starts getting cranky after a certain amount of time and can pretty much one-shot people (most bosses have an enrage timer). The boys and I use a lot of wow terms in everyday life... Tristan will tell me, "I'm enraging!" I will say "taunt" and we'll laugh. it works for us! 8D or i'll say big heals on me as i go to him. It's enough to change the mood and be able to better deal with the crux of the situation... We utilize humor a great deal actually... But, back to taunting, I used to need someone to taunt off the anger from me... Now, I'm seeing I have to do this myself, which is essentially what I'm working on now. What I'm working now is misdirecting and therefore diffusing my anger to God...

I've been pretty busy, but it's been fun... I'm doing a great deal of crafting. I've finished a baby afghan, I'm almost done with a child's afghan, almost done with a velveteen cape and I'm still working on the square afghan... Almost there 8D.

School is going well, but this week is pretty slow... Not a lot to do yet, except a bit of reading, but I'm getting there. I'm learning how to study for real, lol...

So, I'm doing something, reading for fun. /shock. not really, lol... I'm reading Pride and Prejudice.. I love it.

I watch Pride and Prejudice after every break up... Maybe reading it too will help 8D. It brings me a huge amount of peace. 

The boys are back in school. So far so good 8).

I found out that my oldest doesnt like camping at all. I keep wanting to go camping... My children say a hotel room is as close as I'm getting them... Ah well, it works 8D.

Lots of blessings happening... The big thing is how we look at life, not what happens to us... That reminds me of an "Anne of Green Gables" quote... I should read that next, lol! 8)

pushing 8(

Sometimes, I get feelings or ideas of things that will happen. Sometimes, I just sense blessings that might come about... My issue is that I push. I try to make things fit into what I sense, and this is not good. I might get a glimpse, but it's back to the puzzle. So we each have a few pieces of the puzzle... We can see one or two. We can share and look over each other's shoulder to see a couple more... But God, he has the full picture. He sees and knows... I need to trust Him better. Let go and let God 8D. I know I can be better at this... I want His will... Trying to do my thing doesn't seem like it's going well 8D

The Strangest thing...

The strangest thing... I feel something that I haven't felt in this magnitude... I am able to love healthier than ever... This is definitely true for non-romantic relationships... But after all that I've gone through in growing this last month, I have come to the truth that I still love him. It's not that angsty love, the only love that I truly seemed to ever have known. It's beautiful and serene, yet at times passionate. I know I can live without him. I know that I can live without love (the romantic variety) more than ever... The truth is, that so many times, I was in love because I didn't want to be alone. For the first time, maybe ever, I love a man for him, for his quirks, for his love, for who he is and who he aspires to be. Will we try again? I'm not sure. Honestly, I think that's up to him. And I'm ok with that... Which is an amaaaaazing feeling... I've never been this ok with being in limbo.. Such is life. But I'm ok with it... If he chooses to come back, it will be his choice, and I honestly think it would have a better chance of working... I feel stronger than ever and happier than ever about being independent... I see now how I can continue being independent while being in a relationship more than ever... I've always had trouble with that concept and now I see why...

I have my weak moments. I have those moments that I am looking around for my heart, and I'm certain she's in his home hiding in the closet, and eating all the chocolate in his home when he's not looking. But for the most part, I am just happy to be alive. I'm enjoying my life and being so much more productive. I had to grow in so many ways, before I could be ready to be in a healthy relationship... It's much better to be single than in an unhealthy relationship... I see that exhibited in my past.

I know that I can move on. I know it. I know that if this isn't to be, I will be able to move on. I know that I'm not ready yet as I am continuing to heal myself... I still miss him so much... I hope it will lessen and I know that someday God will change my heart if this is not where He wants me.

A good quote

King Spa, hair cut, Rainforest

So, this morning, I went out with a coworker, A. to King Spa. She doesn't have a car, so we made a deal that I would drive and pay for gas and she would pay for the tickets. She wanted me to pick her up at 7 (am)(on a Saturday I could sleep in). But it's ok 8) It works 8D. Last night, I did some reading on the spa and it was mentioned numerous times that there is a lot of nekkidness. I'm a bit modest, ok a lot modest, when it comes down to it, so I got a bit nervous... It really wasn't so bad. The sauna rooms are co-ed, so of course not nekkidnessy... But the locker rooms, steam rooms and hot tubs are. No one made a big deal about it, so it wasn't a biggie.

I was a total spa noob, so my friend walked me through. She was really cool about it, and very thorough in explaining all the rooms. We have a bit of a language barrier, but we overcame it... She's Korean and I'm not 8D. My favorite rooms are the
1. salt room
2. gold room
3. crystal room

I *don't* like the egg boiler room... Waaaay too hot. That's where they boil the eggs that they sell at the concession stand(that's what she told me anyway, lol). Speaking of food, no outside food or drinks are allowed, and this portion is quite pricey, so just throwing that out there 8).

Note to self, whenever I have asthma issues that I'm about to go to the doctor for, I'm gonna start with this. It would be a lot cheaper and it helped a lot.


Then we went to her friend's salon in Garland (we got lost at first, which would normally upset me. I stayed fairly calm, though I started to get a bit agitated... nothing unhandlable at all...) Partly my fault, since I didn't get full directions beforehand. She just kept saying she would watch for it. She refuses to ride on major highways so we took Beltline the *whole* way from here to Garland. That's far. She offered to pay for my hair to be cut in lieu of driving her there. Her friend is also Korean and I don't think she's used to cutting really curly thick hair. I asked her to cut my hair 4 inches below my shoulder... It's *maybe* shoulder-length, but everyone's saying it looks good. 8) It's much curlier with less weight... Not really what i had in mind. She also cut my hair by just spritzing my hair and then combing (not good), so it made it straightish, which is why it shot up so much when I styled it... I was about to cry with how bad it looked there... But after some tlc, it looks much better...

I really liked hanging out with A, as she is single as well, and a very strong person... Gives me strength knowing I have other single friends out there... She's a nice person.

I met some coworkers for dinner at Rainforest Cafe and everyone else brought their hubbies, since I hang out with mostly married people. The really cool thing is it didn't bother me this time... Normally, it really saddens me... It's hard when everyone laughs and talks about how long they've been together... I hope for that someday, and I honestly know I will have that... It may be a long while, but I'm not ready now... The good thing is I really really enjoyed myself. We all had a great time 8).

Now, I'm crafting and watching movies... All in all, a great day 8D

rough night... and going to friend gatherings alone...

Well, I had been doing well all day, focusing on breathing and all that good stuff. I had a good, productive day at work, a good talk with someone dear to my heart, and I went clothes shopping and found out I'm a size 2...

But, I allowed myself to get derailed. I'm getting back on track, which is great...

In the past, I would cancel on many things that I would have to go alone. Even stuff where I would go with someone else would be scary. i would panic with the fears, etc. I'm doing a loooot better in that. I'm meeting some coworkers tomorrow night for dinner... One, who means so well, kept talking about me bringing someone. Goodness, I'm trying to be positive and trying to be ok with going alone... And I realized I wanted someone to go with me, so I did a completely random and non-thought out thing, and I asked someone and still have not heard back. Ah well... Then I heard Back to December by Taylor Swift, and the tears flowed like a river...

So the crux of this is I want to be more alright with doing things alone. As my confidence increases, I know this will get easier...

Not Lonely 8D

 I'm starting to feel this way more and more now. I love this song 8D

Not Lonely lyrics

I am a one-man woman
I live one day at a time
keep one eye open
I got a one-track mind

I'm a one trick pony
living in a one horse town
people say I should be lonely
but that ain't what's goin down
I'm alone but I'm not lonely

I live in a one-room palace
on top of a hill
on the edge of a wilderness
all my dreams could never fill

and I hang my head over
hear the rustling of the leaves
[From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/e/eliza-gilkyson-lyrics/not-lonely-lyrics.html]
down in the hollow below me
a wild woman breathes
I'm alone but I'm not lonely

I am a one-man woman
flying solo for the time
but when I sing here for my supper
I know everything's gonna be just fine

got two hands to guide me
through one very long dance
got a true heart inside me
gonna give me one more chance
to be alone, not lonely
I'm alone, not lonely

Not enough, 5 in the Morning -- family thoughts...

So this is about a certain part of my family that shall remain nameless, but I've been trying to heal and figure out how to limit contact with them. It's a must. I have limited contact between them and my children, but not between me and them. I guess I thought I was glutton for punishment or had to fulfill my duty. Well, self-preservation and self protection aren't selfish, they are essential to survival! This is a newfound belief in me, but it's so true...

One of my favorite Kasey Chambers songs is Not pretty enough -- Yes, it's sad, but it's how I've felt my entire life, until now... And still, I have my moments...
An excerpt is below.

Am I not pretty enough
Is my heart to broken
Do I cry too much
Am I too outspoken
Don't I make you laugh
Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me

I live, I breathe, I let it rain on me
I sleep, I wake, I try hard not to break
I crave, I love, I've waited long enough
I try as hard as I can.

I want to scream at the top of my lungs to them, "Why am i not enough?" I'm an amazing person, and if they don't see that, they miss out. It's pragmatic, it may even be bitchy, but I have to take care of me. Just because they are family, doesn't mean that I am their doormat.

Good enough By Life House

What do I have to do
To try to make you see
That this is who I am
And its all that I can be

What do I have to do
To try to make you see
Trying to be like you
isn’t good enough for me


I am me and I love me. And it's ok if people choose not to love me. But I am no longer going to mourn that. I must care for me and my children and that's that 8D. It feels so good to feel truly independent in this manner.

When I was thinking about all of this the other day, I was listening to Kasey Chambers radio on Pandora and a song I've never heard from an artist I never had heard of before came on... Lucy Kaplansky is the artist and 5 in the Morning is the song...
 Excerpts are below


Shivers in the cold, slips on her clothes
Walks downstairs, icy wind blows
Face to face inside the front door
It's not a crime to need more
There's something I'm looking for


If you leave now you can never come back
You're throwing us away, you can't do that
I'm falling like a leaf from the family tree
I don't need you the way you need me
You need me


This is how I feel!!! I'm a leaf falling from the family tree, and I'm ok with this. Finally!!!! I needed to do this on my own. This is how it was supposed to be... I will have a bit of contact with them, but it will be greatly limited... I have to make this decision for myself and my sons... and stick with it!!! I can do so 8D

Critical thinking...

Well, I got my books for school. I'm reading some of them before class starts so I can be a bit familiar with it beforehand. The first section is on effective critical thinking. Boy, do i need help with that... It's great! I never thought this class that I had to take that isn't part of my core classes would be so helpful... I think it will be 8D.

The Journey

So I've had this concept in my head for a bit of time...

There are two songs I really like on this subject...

Find Yourself by Brad Paisley (from Cars)
and
This is Home by Switchfoot (Chronicles of Narnia - Prince Caspian)

I have just found myself, truly found myself for the first time in a very very long time...

So here is a poem I wrote while raiding in World of Warcraft. I obviously get too bored when I'm dpsing rather than healing, lol 8D.



The Journey

As I embark on this journey, I breathe deeply as I walk onto the rough path.

I know what will happen, but I must press on and have faith.

As the home I know fades from my sight, I know that my home is in my heart with God and my children.

I feel my wings begin to grow as I am walking.

My heart grows lighter, though the pain increases.

My God is walking beside me, holding my hand.

As I come to the crevass, He beckons me to utilize my newfound ability of flight.

We gradually rise as the path becomes smaller and smaller in my vision.

I am not afraid, for God is holding my hand and filling me with peace.

The wind hits my face with such force, yet I feel that it is the breath of God steadying me, encouraging me to move forth.

We start to land back on the path with the swiftness and ease of a dove.

As we walk, the Lord wraps his arm around me and says, "You are my child and I love you."

I cry in His arms and then we continue to walk.

I do not know where we are going, but I do know that He will be with me. 

a nice thought on marriage

too soon?

In my last post, I mentioned perhaps putting my profile in active status on a dating site. I did, for one day. I realize this is not the best idea for me just yet, so it is now inactive, lol. Still some more growth to do 8D. I need to better define why I want to date, etc. I will get there 8D

I realized I'm not waiting for him, though I do wish I had met him down the road, when I was healthier...  But why do i want to date? meh, i don't know at this point... so I need to finish healing and take care of me and the boys, etc. without worrying about dating... And that phrase *worrying* about dating is what I tend to do... So I can't. I need more time to sort things out, and that's ok 8D.

little bird and deselfing

I have been wanting to write a blog on Little Bird, but I knew that there would be a tie-in into it... I found one in The Dance of Anger.

Little Bird is a song by Kasey Chambers. She sang it in her encore after she brought her 9 month old daughter out for the encore (soooo sweet, i got a very blurry picture of that) (it was so cute, she (Kasey, not Poet, her daughter, lol) was asking for requests, and she has forgotten many of her songs, as she has had 9 albums, and it was so funny when she kept asking, how does that one start. This one is more recent so she sang more of this one.)

So, without further ado, here is the song, and my commentary will follow.

A ittle bird told me late last nightIf I hold my breath and do everything rightYou might come backIf I color my hair and I wear it downAnd I make you laugh like a circus clownYou might come back
And a little bird said with the wink of an eyeIf I beg real hard and I do not cryYou might come backIf I keep my opinion under my breathAnd I only bring it out when the master saysYou might come back
But I don't want you that badNo, I don't want you that bad
But a little bird told me as plain as dayIf I changed my name and I change my wayYou might come backIf I sell my soul for the greater causeIf I burn my records and I listen to yoursYou might come back
And a little bird said in the middle of a dreamIf I shut my mouth and I don't make a sceneYou might come backIf I crossed my fingers and curl my toesIf I looked liked the other girls, everybody knowsYou might come back
But I don't want you that badNo, I don't want you that badNo, I don't want you that badNo, I don't want you that bad
Well, a little bird told me, a little bird told meA little bird told me, a little bird told meA little bird told me, a little bird told meA little bird told me, a little bird told me
A little bird told me, a little bird told meA little bird told me, a little bird told meA little bird told me, a little bird told meA little bird told me, a little bird told me
A little bird told me, a little bird told meA little bird told me, a little bird told meA little bird told me, a little bird told meA little bird told me, a little bird told me

Read more: KASEY CHAMBERS - LITTLE BIRD LYRICS http://www.metrolyrics.com/little-bird-lyrics-kasey-chambers.html#ixzz240LyaWIW
Copied from MetroLyrics.com 



There is a major reason that I love this song. I have changed too many times for relationships. Oh my heavens, I could count and count. This last one, I was more like me than ever, but that showed me some major issues that I need to work on. Some of this has to do with my most recent posts, in that I felt that God put any man in my life, and to show my self-worth, I had to prove I could make it work. Oh my heavens, this sounds so silly when I put it in writing. Touching once again on the walk, people might be in our lives for a bit or for a long time. Whether a relationship works or not, this does not define my self worth. Whew, so much pressure is now off of me 8D. 

I had no idea but I was de-selfing... Deselfing according to "the dance of anger" is -- too much of one's self (including one's thoughts, beliefs and ambitions) is negotiable under pressure from the relationship. I will say that my last relationship, i was much better on this, but he didn't really require it... So many of my relationships saw my weakness in this, and used it as much as possible. Honestly, after reading this, I am now truly relieved that the last boyfriend let me go. Let me explain, I care for him still, but this fundamental flaw in me, all of these, really, would have caused such an unhealthy relationship, that we wouldn't have been compatible at all. I'm glad he left early on in this regard, though I do wish that it could have worked out (more like I wish we could have met 6 months from now, etc... or even a few months, as my foundation is already building in such a healthy fashion.) But God knows what he's doing, and he knows why this isn't workable. He also has a beautiful plan for both of us. A tiny bit more on this, I have been putting God in a box for waaaay too long, but that's another blog, i believe. Maybe another series, haha. He has such a beautiful plan, and i have been stuffing different people into where i thought they should go, since i felt my worth was based on a relationship and ultimately a marriage. Wow, how limiting to God's power is that? 

"A wife (or a certain intelligent airhead in many different sorts of relationship journeys) may become increasingly entrenched in the role of the weak, vulnerable, dependent or otherwise dysfunctional partner. Her husband (or other person in the relationship) may deny these qualities in himself. -- The Dance of Anger. 

Now that I'm realizing what dating really truly is, a day by day journey, and I fully can quit any situation, i just need to take control of the situation and be assertive (not aggressive, there is such a difference), im considering lifting my active dating memoratorium. I may post my profile on a dating site again. Just get out there, have fun, and just roll with it. I'm praying about this. There are several reasons why... Part of it is that I'm not waiting for him, in that I'm learning so much about me, but there's still that small part of me that hopes and feels almost like I'm waiting for him. That's not good for either one of us. I'm still praying about this, we shall see what I decide. Not too sure, especially since i will be reeeeally busy in 8 days with school starting for me and the boys. 8D. so excited though it's a bit scary 8D.