The Strangest thing...

The strangest thing... I feel something that I haven't felt in this magnitude... I am able to love healthier than ever... This is definitely true for non-romantic relationships... But after all that I've gone through in growing this last month, I have come to the truth that I still love him. It's not that angsty love, the only love that I truly seemed to ever have known. It's beautiful and serene, yet at times passionate. I know I can live without him. I know that I can live without love (the romantic variety) more than ever... The truth is, that so many times, I was in love because I didn't want to be alone. For the first time, maybe ever, I love a man for him, for his quirks, for his love, for who he is and who he aspires to be. Will we try again? I'm not sure. Honestly, I think that's up to him. And I'm ok with that... Which is an amaaaaazing feeling... I've never been this ok with being in limbo.. Such is life. But I'm ok with it... If he chooses to come back, it will be his choice, and I honestly think it would have a better chance of working... I feel stronger than ever and happier than ever about being independent... I see now how I can continue being independent while being in a relationship more than ever... I've always had trouble with that concept and now I see why...

I have my weak moments. I have those moments that I am looking around for my heart, and I'm certain she's in his home hiding in the closet, and eating all the chocolate in his home when he's not looking. But for the most part, I am just happy to be alive. I'm enjoying my life and being so much more productive. I had to grow in so many ways, before I could be ready to be in a healthy relationship... It's much better to be single than in an unhealthy relationship... I see that exhibited in my past.

I know that I can move on. I know it. I know that if this isn't to be, I will be able to move on. I know that I'm not ready yet as I am continuing to heal myself... I still miss him so much... I hope it will lessen and I know that someday God will change my heart if this is not where He wants me.