More than a memory

The following is one of my absolute favorite Garth Brooks songs... My pandora station seems to like it... a lot...


People say she's only in my head
It's gonna take time but I'll forget
They say I need to get on with my life
What they don't realize

Is when you're dialing six numbers just to hang up the phone
Driving 'cross town just to see if she's home
Waking a friend in the dead of night
Just to hear him say, "It's gonna be all right"
When you find the things to do not to fall asleep
'Cause you know she'll be there in your dreams
That's when she's more than a memory

Took a match to everything she ever wrote
Watched her words go up in smoke
Tore all the pictures off the wall
But that ain't helping me at all

'Cause when you're talking out loud and nobody's there
You look like hell and you just don't care
Drinking more than you ever drank
Sinking down lower than you ever sank
When you find yourself falling down upon your knees
Praying to God and begging Him please
That's when she's more than a memory

She's more
She's more

'Cause when you're dialing her number just to hang up the phone
Driving 'cross town just to see if she's home
Waking a friend in the dead of night
Just to hear him say, "It's gonna be all right"
When you find the things to do not to fall asleep
'Cause you know she's waiting in your dreams
That's when she's more than a memory

People say she's only in my head
It's gonna take time but I'll forget

To Gnome me is to love me

The following is from the (rather short) perspective of a gnome, M. Her name has been shortened to protect the innocent 8D


Hello, there. My name is M. There is a time in every gnome's life that you wonder if something is missing. My  thoughts on love are perhaps a bit innocent and maybe even naive. I haven't really met too many men that I would like to date for long... When I win in a duel, they don't generally call on me again. That's ok, though... I sometimes run away as well. Frost nova (ties them in place), then I blink (instantly travel 20 yards) and then  I go invisible...


I will fall in love someday. I'm more confident in me... I do like to go out and eat alone... It helps that I can get the kids' meal as well. After all, I am a gnome...



(more later...)

The Holiday

I looooove this movie... As my children say, it's one of my sappy Christmas movies...

But it has some great quotes...

Arthur Abbott: He let you go. This is not a hard one to figure out. Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend.

Iris: You're so right. You're supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for god's sake! Arthur, I've been going to a

therapist for three years, and she's never explained anything to me that well. That was brilliant. Brutal, but brilliant. 

Iris: Shush. You broke my heart. And you acted like somehow it was my fault, my misunderstanding, and I was too in love with you to ever be mad at you, so I just punished myself! For years! But you waltzing in here on my lovely Christmas holiday, and telling me that you don't want to lose me whilst you're about to get MARRIED, somehow newly entitles me to say, it's over. This - This twisted, toxic THING between us, is finally finished! I'm miraculously done being in love with you! Ha! I've got a life to start living. 

Iris: I have found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said, "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. 

Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms.

Miles: Why do I always fall for the bad girl?
Iris: You didn't know that she was a bad girl.
Miles: I knew she wasn't good. [When being offered coffee] Do you have anything, a little bit stronger? [Now receiving the drink] Thank you. Let me rephrase this. Why am I attracted to a person I know isn't good?
Iris: I happen to know the answer to this. Because you're hoping you're wrong. And every time she does something that tells you she's no good, you ignore it. And every time she comes through and surprises you, she wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that she's not for you.
Miles: Exactly, and on top of that there's the old standby, I can't believe a girl like that would actually be with a guy like me. You know what she said to me tonight. She said, she finished in Santa Fe after 2 days and is being staying with whatever his name was; which means, she's been right here in town; which means when I spoke to her this morning on her cell and she said "I am looking out of my window and its snowing". She was in Santa Monica. What did she do, go to weather.com. That must have made both of them scream with laughter. In the meantime, I sent her Christmas gift to Saint Fe yesterday. I stood in line at Fed Ex, made sure she got it on time. Uh! Classic, right? Look I don't want to ruin your Christmas Eve. You don't have to listen to this.
Iris: It's okay. I like the company. So how about some food? Shall I make us a little Christmas fettucini.
Miles: Sure
Iris: Listen, I know its hard to believe people when they say "I know how you feel". But I actually know how you feel. You see, I was seeing someone back in London. We work for the same newspaper and then I found out that he was also seeing this other girl, Sarah from the circulation department on the 19th floor. Turned out that he was not in love with me like I thought. What I am trying to say is, I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.
Miles: Phoof!!! Well, F***? You need this more than I do. That's what your doing here, your getting over somebody.
Iris: Yeah! This is me in good shape.
Miles: Is this the guy who send you pages from his novel?
Iris: Yeah. He needs me.
Miles: So he stays in touch?
Iris: All the time.
Miles: So that makes it impossible to forget him; Which is great for him but sucks for you.
Iris: You see how great your life is compared to mine.
Miles: Okay, let's go. I making you some fettucini. It is Christmas Eve and we are going to sit out on the Italia, make us a little fire, pop us a bubbly. We are going to celebrate being young and being alive. You with me, Simpkins?
Iris: Miles. You really are an incredibly decent man.
Miles: I know. It's always been my problem.

Amanda: Sex makes everything more complicated. Even not having it, because the not having it... makes it complicated.
Graham: That's why it's better to have it... some say. 

..

---

Miles: Accidental Boob graze.

Thinking... who me? 8D

I'm thinking of soooo many things, so a tangent-like blog will ensue.

I have come to almost acceptance in where I am. I am definitely excited with the changes taking place within me. I am healing and learning and passing along thoughts and help to others. I'm feeling stronger everyday as a person...

I want to talk a bit about anger... I used to need someone to taunt my anger off of me... For non-World of warcraft-type (i know this would apply to other mmorpgs but I'm really not familiar with many of them), I hear the word "taunt" a lot... Every time I hear it in a non-gaming fashion, I can't help but think of wow at this point... I've been wow-washed. hahaha 8D I digress. So taunting is when a tank aggros the boss, so that the off-tank or others aren't hurt by the boss... So in raids, we often hear, "taunt" (generally in a dry bored voice, lol). Also, "enraging" is when the boss starts getting cranky after a certain amount of time and can pretty much one-shot people (most bosses have an enrage timer). The boys and I use a lot of wow terms in everyday life... Tristan will tell me, "I'm enraging!" I will say "taunt" and we'll laugh. it works for us! 8D or i'll say big heals on me as i go to him. It's enough to change the mood and be able to better deal with the crux of the situation... We utilize humor a great deal actually... But, back to taunting, I used to need someone to taunt off the anger from me... Now, I'm seeing I have to do this myself, which is essentially what I'm working on now. What I'm working now is misdirecting and therefore diffusing my anger to God...

I've been pretty busy, but it's been fun... I'm doing a great deal of crafting. I've finished a baby afghan, I'm almost done with a child's afghan, almost done with a velveteen cape and I'm still working on the square afghan... Almost there 8D.

School is going well, but this week is pretty slow... Not a lot to do yet, except a bit of reading, but I'm getting there. I'm learning how to study for real, lol...

So, I'm doing something, reading for fun. /shock. not really, lol... I'm reading Pride and Prejudice.. I love it.

I watch Pride and Prejudice after every break up... Maybe reading it too will help 8D. It brings me a huge amount of peace. 

The boys are back in school. So far so good 8).

I found out that my oldest doesnt like camping at all. I keep wanting to go camping... My children say a hotel room is as close as I'm getting them... Ah well, it works 8D.

Lots of blessings happening... The big thing is how we look at life, not what happens to us... That reminds me of an "Anne of Green Gables" quote... I should read that next, lol! 8)

pushing 8(

Sometimes, I get feelings or ideas of things that will happen. Sometimes, I just sense blessings that might come about... My issue is that I push. I try to make things fit into what I sense, and this is not good. I might get a glimpse, but it's back to the puzzle. So we each have a few pieces of the puzzle... We can see one or two. We can share and look over each other's shoulder to see a couple more... But God, he has the full picture. He sees and knows... I need to trust Him better. Let go and let God 8D. I know I can be better at this... I want His will... Trying to do my thing doesn't seem like it's going well 8D

The Strangest thing...

The strangest thing... I feel something that I haven't felt in this magnitude... I am able to love healthier than ever... This is definitely true for non-romantic relationships... But after all that I've gone through in growing this last month, I have come to the truth that I still love him. It's not that angsty love, the only love that I truly seemed to ever have known. It's beautiful and serene, yet at times passionate. I know I can live without him. I know that I can live without love (the romantic variety) more than ever... The truth is, that so many times, I was in love because I didn't want to be alone. For the first time, maybe ever, I love a man for him, for his quirks, for his love, for who he is and who he aspires to be. Will we try again? I'm not sure. Honestly, I think that's up to him. And I'm ok with that... Which is an amaaaaazing feeling... I've never been this ok with being in limbo.. Such is life. But I'm ok with it... If he chooses to come back, it will be his choice, and I honestly think it would have a better chance of working... I feel stronger than ever and happier than ever about being independent... I see now how I can continue being independent while being in a relationship more than ever... I've always had trouble with that concept and now I see why...

I have my weak moments. I have those moments that I am looking around for my heart, and I'm certain she's in his home hiding in the closet, and eating all the chocolate in his home when he's not looking. But for the most part, I am just happy to be alive. I'm enjoying my life and being so much more productive. I had to grow in so many ways, before I could be ready to be in a healthy relationship... It's much better to be single than in an unhealthy relationship... I see that exhibited in my past.

I know that I can move on. I know it. I know that if this isn't to be, I will be able to move on. I know that I'm not ready yet as I am continuing to heal myself... I still miss him so much... I hope it will lessen and I know that someday God will change my heart if this is not where He wants me.

A good quote

King Spa, hair cut, Rainforest

So, this morning, I went out with a coworker, A. to King Spa. She doesn't have a car, so we made a deal that I would drive and pay for gas and she would pay for the tickets. She wanted me to pick her up at 7 (am)(on a Saturday I could sleep in). But it's ok 8) It works 8D. Last night, I did some reading on the spa and it was mentioned numerous times that there is a lot of nekkidness. I'm a bit modest, ok a lot modest, when it comes down to it, so I got a bit nervous... It really wasn't so bad. The sauna rooms are co-ed, so of course not nekkidnessy... But the locker rooms, steam rooms and hot tubs are. No one made a big deal about it, so it wasn't a biggie.

I was a total spa noob, so my friend walked me through. She was really cool about it, and very thorough in explaining all the rooms. We have a bit of a language barrier, but we overcame it... She's Korean and I'm not 8D. My favorite rooms are the
1. salt room
2. gold room
3. crystal room

I *don't* like the egg boiler room... Waaaay too hot. That's where they boil the eggs that they sell at the concession stand(that's what she told me anyway, lol). Speaking of food, no outside food or drinks are allowed, and this portion is quite pricey, so just throwing that out there 8).

Note to self, whenever I have asthma issues that I'm about to go to the doctor for, I'm gonna start with this. It would be a lot cheaper and it helped a lot.


Then we went to her friend's salon in Garland (we got lost at first, which would normally upset me. I stayed fairly calm, though I started to get a bit agitated... nothing unhandlable at all...) Partly my fault, since I didn't get full directions beforehand. She just kept saying she would watch for it. She refuses to ride on major highways so we took Beltline the *whole* way from here to Garland. That's far. She offered to pay for my hair to be cut in lieu of driving her there. Her friend is also Korean and I don't think she's used to cutting really curly thick hair. I asked her to cut my hair 4 inches below my shoulder... It's *maybe* shoulder-length, but everyone's saying it looks good. 8) It's much curlier with less weight... Not really what i had in mind. She also cut my hair by just spritzing my hair and then combing (not good), so it made it straightish, which is why it shot up so much when I styled it... I was about to cry with how bad it looked there... But after some tlc, it looks much better...

I really liked hanging out with A, as she is single as well, and a very strong person... Gives me strength knowing I have other single friends out there... She's a nice person.

I met some coworkers for dinner at Rainforest Cafe and everyone else brought their hubbies, since I hang out with mostly married people. The really cool thing is it didn't bother me this time... Normally, it really saddens me... It's hard when everyone laughs and talks about how long they've been together... I hope for that someday, and I honestly know I will have that... It may be a long while, but I'm not ready now... The good thing is I really really enjoyed myself. We all had a great time 8).

Now, I'm crafting and watching movies... All in all, a great day 8D

rough night... and going to friend gatherings alone...

Well, I had been doing well all day, focusing on breathing and all that good stuff. I had a good, productive day at work, a good talk with someone dear to my heart, and I went clothes shopping and found out I'm a size 2...

But, I allowed myself to get derailed. I'm getting back on track, which is great...

In the past, I would cancel on many things that I would have to go alone. Even stuff where I would go with someone else would be scary. i would panic with the fears, etc. I'm doing a loooot better in that. I'm meeting some coworkers tomorrow night for dinner... One, who means so well, kept talking about me bringing someone. Goodness, I'm trying to be positive and trying to be ok with going alone... And I realized I wanted someone to go with me, so I did a completely random and non-thought out thing, and I asked someone and still have not heard back. Ah well... Then I heard Back to December by Taylor Swift, and the tears flowed like a river...

So the crux of this is I want to be more alright with doing things alone. As my confidence increases, I know this will get easier...

Not Lonely 8D

 I'm starting to feel this way more and more now. I love this song 8D

Not Lonely lyrics

I am a one-man woman
I live one day at a time
keep one eye open
I got a one-track mind

I'm a one trick pony
living in a one horse town
people say I should be lonely
but that ain't what's goin down
I'm alone but I'm not lonely

I live in a one-room palace
on top of a hill
on the edge of a wilderness
all my dreams could never fill

and I hang my head over
hear the rustling of the leaves
[From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/e/eliza-gilkyson-lyrics/not-lonely-lyrics.html]
down in the hollow below me
a wild woman breathes
I'm alone but I'm not lonely

I am a one-man woman
flying solo for the time
but when I sing here for my supper
I know everything's gonna be just fine

got two hands to guide me
through one very long dance
got a true heart inside me
gonna give me one more chance
to be alone, not lonely
I'm alone, not lonely

Not enough, 5 in the Morning -- family thoughts...

So this is about a certain part of my family that shall remain nameless, but I've been trying to heal and figure out how to limit contact with them. It's a must. I have limited contact between them and my children, but not between me and them. I guess I thought I was glutton for punishment or had to fulfill my duty. Well, self-preservation and self protection aren't selfish, they are essential to survival! This is a newfound belief in me, but it's so true...

One of my favorite Kasey Chambers songs is Not pretty enough -- Yes, it's sad, but it's how I've felt my entire life, until now... And still, I have my moments...
An excerpt is below.

Am I not pretty enough
Is my heart to broken
Do I cry too much
Am I too outspoken
Don't I make you laugh
Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me

I live, I breathe, I let it rain on me
I sleep, I wake, I try hard not to break
I crave, I love, I've waited long enough
I try as hard as I can.

I want to scream at the top of my lungs to them, "Why am i not enough?" I'm an amazing person, and if they don't see that, they miss out. It's pragmatic, it may even be bitchy, but I have to take care of me. Just because they are family, doesn't mean that I am their doormat.

Good enough By Life House

What do I have to do
To try to make you see
That this is who I am
And its all that I can be

What do I have to do
To try to make you see
Trying to be like you
isn’t good enough for me


I am me and I love me. And it's ok if people choose not to love me. But I am no longer going to mourn that. I must care for me and my children and that's that 8D. It feels so good to feel truly independent in this manner.

When I was thinking about all of this the other day, I was listening to Kasey Chambers radio on Pandora and a song I've never heard from an artist I never had heard of before came on... Lucy Kaplansky is the artist and 5 in the Morning is the song...
 Excerpts are below


Shivers in the cold, slips on her clothes
Walks downstairs, icy wind blows
Face to face inside the front door
It's not a crime to need more
There's something I'm looking for


If you leave now you can never come back
You're throwing us away, you can't do that
I'm falling like a leaf from the family tree
I don't need you the way you need me
You need me


This is how I feel!!! I'm a leaf falling from the family tree, and I'm ok with this. Finally!!!! I needed to do this on my own. This is how it was supposed to be... I will have a bit of contact with them, but it will be greatly limited... I have to make this decision for myself and my sons... and stick with it!!! I can do so 8D

Critical thinking...

Well, I got my books for school. I'm reading some of them before class starts so I can be a bit familiar with it beforehand. The first section is on effective critical thinking. Boy, do i need help with that... It's great! I never thought this class that I had to take that isn't part of my core classes would be so helpful... I think it will be 8D.

The Journey

So I've had this concept in my head for a bit of time...

There are two songs I really like on this subject...

Find Yourself by Brad Paisley (from Cars)
and
This is Home by Switchfoot (Chronicles of Narnia - Prince Caspian)

I have just found myself, truly found myself for the first time in a very very long time...

So here is a poem I wrote while raiding in World of Warcraft. I obviously get too bored when I'm dpsing rather than healing, lol 8D.



The Journey

As I embark on this journey, I breathe deeply as I walk onto the rough path.

I know what will happen, but I must press on and have faith.

As the home I know fades from my sight, I know that my home is in my heart with God and my children.

I feel my wings begin to grow as I am walking.

My heart grows lighter, though the pain increases.

My God is walking beside me, holding my hand.

As I come to the crevass, He beckons me to utilize my newfound ability of flight.

We gradually rise as the path becomes smaller and smaller in my vision.

I am not afraid, for God is holding my hand and filling me with peace.

The wind hits my face with such force, yet I feel that it is the breath of God steadying me, encouraging me to move forth.

We start to land back on the path with the swiftness and ease of a dove.

As we walk, the Lord wraps his arm around me and says, "You are my child and I love you."

I cry in His arms and then we continue to walk.

I do not know where we are going, but I do know that He will be with me. 

a nice thought on marriage

too soon?

In my last post, I mentioned perhaps putting my profile in active status on a dating site. I did, for one day. I realize this is not the best idea for me just yet, so it is now inactive, lol. Still some more growth to do 8D. I need to better define why I want to date, etc. I will get there 8D

I realized I'm not waiting for him, though I do wish I had met him down the road, when I was healthier...  But why do i want to date? meh, i don't know at this point... so I need to finish healing and take care of me and the boys, etc. without worrying about dating... And that phrase *worrying* about dating is what I tend to do... So I can't. I need more time to sort things out, and that's ok 8D.

little bird and deselfing

I have been wanting to write a blog on Little Bird, but I knew that there would be a tie-in into it... I found one in The Dance of Anger.

Little Bird is a song by Kasey Chambers. She sang it in her encore after she brought her 9 month old daughter out for the encore (soooo sweet, i got a very blurry picture of that) (it was so cute, she (Kasey, not Poet, her daughter, lol) was asking for requests, and she has forgotten many of her songs, as she has had 9 albums, and it was so funny when she kept asking, how does that one start. This one is more recent so she sang more of this one.)

So, without further ado, here is the song, and my commentary will follow.

A ittle bird told me late last nightIf I hold my breath and do everything rightYou might come backIf I color my hair and I wear it downAnd I make you laugh like a circus clownYou might come back
And a little bird said with the wink of an eyeIf I beg real hard and I do not cryYou might come backIf I keep my opinion under my breathAnd I only bring it out when the master saysYou might come back
But I don't want you that badNo, I don't want you that bad
But a little bird told me as plain as dayIf I changed my name and I change my wayYou might come backIf I sell my soul for the greater causeIf I burn my records and I listen to yoursYou might come back
And a little bird said in the middle of a dreamIf I shut my mouth and I don't make a sceneYou might come backIf I crossed my fingers and curl my toesIf I looked liked the other girls, everybody knowsYou might come back
But I don't want you that badNo, I don't want you that badNo, I don't want you that badNo, I don't want you that bad
Well, a little bird told me, a little bird told meA little bird told me, a little bird told meA little bird told me, a little bird told meA little bird told me, a little bird told me
A little bird told me, a little bird told meA little bird told me, a little bird told meA little bird told me, a little bird told meA little bird told me, a little bird told me
A little bird told me, a little bird told meA little bird told me, a little bird told meA little bird told me, a little bird told meA little bird told me, a little bird told me

Read more: KASEY CHAMBERS - LITTLE BIRD LYRICS http://www.metrolyrics.com/little-bird-lyrics-kasey-chambers.html#ixzz240LyaWIW
Copied from MetroLyrics.com 



There is a major reason that I love this song. I have changed too many times for relationships. Oh my heavens, I could count and count. This last one, I was more like me than ever, but that showed me some major issues that I need to work on. Some of this has to do with my most recent posts, in that I felt that God put any man in my life, and to show my self-worth, I had to prove I could make it work. Oh my heavens, this sounds so silly when I put it in writing. Touching once again on the walk, people might be in our lives for a bit or for a long time. Whether a relationship works or not, this does not define my self worth. Whew, so much pressure is now off of me 8D. 

I had no idea but I was de-selfing... Deselfing according to "the dance of anger" is -- too much of one's self (including one's thoughts, beliefs and ambitions) is negotiable under pressure from the relationship. I will say that my last relationship, i was much better on this, but he didn't really require it... So many of my relationships saw my weakness in this, and used it as much as possible. Honestly, after reading this, I am now truly relieved that the last boyfriend let me go. Let me explain, I care for him still, but this fundamental flaw in me, all of these, really, would have caused such an unhealthy relationship, that we wouldn't have been compatible at all. I'm glad he left early on in this regard, though I do wish that it could have worked out (more like I wish we could have met 6 months from now, etc... or even a few months, as my foundation is already building in such a healthy fashion.) But God knows what he's doing, and he knows why this isn't workable. He also has a beautiful plan for both of us. A tiny bit more on this, I have been putting God in a box for waaaay too long, but that's another blog, i believe. Maybe another series, haha. He has such a beautiful plan, and i have been stuffing different people into where i thought they should go, since i felt my worth was based on a relationship and ultimately a marriage. Wow, how limiting to God's power is that? 

"A wife (or a certain intelligent airhead in many different sorts of relationship journeys) may become increasingly entrenched in the role of the weak, vulnerable, dependent or otherwise dysfunctional partner. Her husband (or other person in the relationship) may deny these qualities in himself. -- The Dance of Anger. 

Now that I'm realizing what dating really truly is, a day by day journey, and I fully can quit any situation, i just need to take control of the situation and be assertive (not aggressive, there is such a difference), im considering lifting my active dating memoratorium. I may post my profile on a dating site again. Just get out there, have fun, and just roll with it. I'm praying about this. There are several reasons why... Part of it is that I'm not waiting for him, in that I'm learning so much about me, but there's still that small part of me that hopes and feels almost like I'm waiting for him. That's not good for either one of us. I'm still praying about this, we shall see what I decide. Not too sure, especially since i will be reeeeally busy in 8 days with school starting for me and the boys. 8D. so excited though it's a bit scary 8D. 

Forever and The Walk

Forever and ever is such a long time, Pooh. Forever's not long at all when I'm with you. - Winnie the Pooh and Christopher Robbin.

I may have to finish this tomorrow, because my sleeping pill is kicking in 8D.

I've been thinking about reasons why this hit me so hard in this last breakup...

1. I didn't love me, so I lost my compass and my way for a small amount of time, as it were.
2. I have said forever 3 times, and been told forever 4 times in regards to me and someone else... It's not something that frequently comes up... I think that's because I have made some poor choices in men, and that was something we knew wasn't in the cards... 2 i ended up marrying, one was this one, and one that told me was an engagement that I knew wouldn't end well, so I broke it off.
3. my idealization of men and relationships had me off-balance
4. i was completely wrong and am building up a new idea in regards to how relationships should be and affect me -- especially in regards to being enough. I am enough on my own. I don't need a man to identify my self worth.. Unfortunately, this is what I was told, and I believed it. Now I get to change it, yay! 8D.

"Doesn't anybody ever stay together anymore? And if Love never lasts forever.Then What's forever for? " Michael Martin Murphy.

Forever is different in everyone's eyes. Up until this point, I saw forever as this always elusive promise that never quite manifested in completeness for me...

Now my concept of forever is more of a goal than a promise. It is the hope to continue a relationship indefinitely and moving towards that. But if things happen or incompatibility is present, then you adapt...


In relationships, imagine as if we're walking along. Our destinations are different depending on the person we're walking with. We may walk fast or slow, and we may only walk for a short time with them. Life is made of meetings and partings, that is the way of it (Kermit the Frog (Bob Cratchit) in The Muppet Christmas Carol). We must enjoy the scenery and the walk itself, or we miss the entire thing by daydreaming or living in the future, which is my tendency. I want to learn to enjoy the scenery and I am. It's not easy, but I can do this 8). Conversely, as I was running this by a friend, he mentioned that also the stride can change in the course of a relationship as well as turning a corner as a relationship changes its' course and its' stride. A perfect example is when a relationship goes from romantic to friendship or vice versa.

Kasey Chambers 8/15 at the Kessler

So I went to my very first Kasey Chambers concert... I loved it so much. She was amazing. I haven't been to a concert that small, so it was a new experience for me. It was about 200 people at most. They didn't even introduce her or the opening act onto the stage. They both just talked and talked, like we were in their living room. Kasey is from Australia, and her mom was caring for her 9 month old daughter during the show, and her mom sold her cds following the show... Her dad performed in her band, so it truly is a family thing. 8D. The opening act was Gabriel Kelley, and I was very impressed with him. I bought his cd and he autographed it for me 8). he plays guitar, plays harmonica and sings 8).

Kasey sang some of my favorite songs of hers... I want to go into some of her songs specifically in another post. She is a great story teller...

She also named her middle child after Arlo Guthrie. How cool is that? 8D.

I will definitely see her again as much as I can. She was absolutely phenomenal...

I really liked the Kessler theater. I haven't been there before. I hadn't been to Oak Cliff in quite some time though.

To give a little background, Kasey is a singer/ songwriter, about my age, from Australia. When she was 3 weeks old, she and her family moved into their car, because her dad decided to be a fox hunter across the Australian outback. She sings a lot of songs about that. Every night, they sang around a campfire, and that's where she gets some of her country roots from 8).

so my thoughts on marriage

I have had a love/hate relationship with the above entity... I'm still sorting out a lot, but here goes...

My thoughts on marriage are completely f-ed up beyond all recognition. They just are. So here is what I am starting to believe...

I have been taught that to be happy, to be considered loved by God, I need a man. That's complete bullshit. I know, I just cussed. God loves me for me. My worth is not based on another person. That's a good feeling.

So, what is marriage to me? I'm not sure, right now... Paying less taxes comes to mind... But that's about all.

I have run quite a few people off by my seriousness in regards to how I used to view marriage. It is what it is... I now see that I wasn't ready for a relationship, in a lot of ways. I'm still healing, and I will get there someday...

I am to the point that I still want a long term relationship, when I'm ready. That is my ultimate goal for dating...  (not ready to date for awhile, but wanna get everything hammered out in my brain) And that's good, that's healthy. But my focus is now to change some thoughts...

I want to seek a relationship that's open-ended. the option of carrying on inevitably, but knowing that life changes and love changes and we take it one day at a time... It's not a contract, it's not binding, it's just life 8)

I am now open to the idea of living with a man (after quite some time of dating...). I used to talk about living together, but I was mortified of it. I felt that marriage would soon follow, and then I would freak.

Marriage, when I get married, if i get married again, I will be ready. I will take my time... I can't foresee getting married quickly at all... especially now that I know my entire reason for wanting to get married. ... Just gotta go with what I feel is right... Just trust my gut 8)

mixed feelings and my goal

I went to the concert last night and it was amaaaazing. I will definitely post about it. It was probably my favorite concert ever. Kasey Chambers put on one heck of a show. There were about 250 ppl there, so it was quite small, and everyone was super nice... The Kessler Theater in Oak Cliff was reeeeally cool... I will say that I haven't been through that part of town in some time though. I didn't get lost though, which is usually something that brings me anger pretty quickly but I didn't have to deal with that.


No, I got angry at someone else, me and God... 8( And my poor best friend had to listen to me beat myself and God up, all because I have an insanely crazy idea that Ive been taught since I could talk... I'm working on how to get rid of that idea, and i know that God and I can do it together... It involves how I perceive relationships and Christianity... It's quite strange, and you will definitely think I've cracked when I tell you... But it's something I must address, but not now.


I look at relationships as an end to a means, but way too early, especially in the most recent failure... There's much more into this, but i'm not ready to share.

Plus, the boys and I lost something else that we must rectify, a larger family. It was promised we could go to holidays and such. I want this more than I can breathe... And we had it, briefly. I have trouble reconciling the loss of that... My friend told me I need to stop feeling sorry for myself in this... Maybe volunteering at a soup kitchen on holidays or something? Especially when I'm alone, we need to make our own family. And in that, I can feel better about receiving the single woman pity invite from friends. I feel like God doesn't love me until I get my own family... and i know that's wrong... My whole concept of God in this is wrong... I know that, but unfortunately it will take awhile to reconcile.

That's all I can write right now... I know that I expected too much of myself. All i was building feels like it was crashing down. I feel that's because I lost sight of my goal... So here it is

My goal is to love myself and to be kind and loving to me. My goal is to open my heart and love me with the complete love I have futilely attempted to unleash on certain members of the opposite sex. My goal is to then love my children stronger since I will have that ability. My goal is to do this not to do this to find a man... My goal is to do this in order to glorify God and my goal is to love God with all my heart.


I don't feel this goal. I need to, and I will someday 8)

love is strange... and things I know

I really don't understand love... I've loved harder in the last relationship than I ever have... I'm not too sure how to stop it. I know prayer, peace and healing are in order. I also don't quit loving easily. People talk about falling out of love with someone and generally *a lot* had to be done for that to transpire in me, i mean a whole lot (like being told that I'm a complete bitch and my mom shouldn't have bothered having me, that type of stuff). So I still don't understand how he fell out of love with me... And my little brain keeps trying to wrap my mind around it, as I am an intellectual. But I think I understand him a bit more... A song came on. I can't begin to say it's how he feels, but from what he has described, I think so. I can't rehash it in my mind. I can't keep reliving it. I need to move on as he has.


 I know I will love again.

I know that the chances that he will come back is futile to wish for at this point.

I know that I am worthy of that strength of love that I gave him. I should give that to myself 8). I'm working on that...

I know that I have had massive errors in thinking in regards to love, in many different ways.This will take awhile, and a good bit of blogging, id wager...

I know that other men will want me, and I will be a catch, regardless of my baggage, though it will be lessened by then, as I am healing me, especially in the geeky circles.

I know that I need to work on my fear of abandonment, my anger and my fears in general.

I know that I am well on my way to becoming who I long to be and I am happier now than I have been in so long.

I know that I am so blessed and loved by God.

I know that I am so very blessed to have so many beautiful people in my life.

I know that I will succeed in whatever I set my mind to.

The concept of "The One"

For a long time, I haven't believed in the concept of "The one" until I met my most recent boyfriend, then I believed in it for a time, and now I am back to not believing in it. I believe many relationships can work if both are willing to actively work at it for the ultimate chance of survival. Making it work is hard, no matter how well-matched... Working together is essential and makes it easier... I'm realizing in talking relationships with people that some relationships seem easy because one is really laid-back etc... Now I'm realizing how hard making it work can be... Everyone must compromise, and yes some slight changes occur. In my past, I have attempted to change to the point of breaking me... That won't happen again... First, I have to truly find me for the first time and I'm almost there. Woooot 8D.

But I no longer believe in "The one" again... I think there are numerous options... Several options could have worked in my life had we truly worked it out or had both of us chosen to try, really try. 

My concept of a relationship in my brain has been so skewed to the point of oblivion. I wanted to be in love in a movie, as the Sleepless quote goes... I think many people have a skewed sense of love... I have so many weird thoughts when it comes to it... I need to list what I think a healthy relationship is... This may change and some of this may be wrong, but I just need to let it develop 8D

constantly changing... it's a roller coaster and it's uncontrollable.

leaving can't be a readily available option -- this one I'm good at, too good in a sense...

both parties are willing to grow and learn and help the other... it's not one-sided

compassion and kindness

give and take

the ability to be yourself with the other person, that comfort level 8)

hard moments

I guess it's been a month since we broke up... I know I've changed a lot, but I have had some trouble the past few days. I'm overwhelmed... I feel like I've tried to learn so much, and I think it was too much at once. I have so many coping skills, and in one moment, I forgot many of them... I think that the point is to get back up...Keep on pressing on...

I'm way too controlling... I don't want to be this way. I realized it today in one friendship that I do a passive technique by saying something that I know people will respond to in order to get a response back. I didn't even think about it until later. I do this a lot more than I've ever thought until now... The good thing is I figured it out and can learn to fix it... Whether someone responds or not does not dictate my self-worth or whether they care. there are maaaany elements to it. I must be mindful of this. They will contact me back when they can. I need to let them be them and me be me. I know I'm on the right track in this 8D. It's a good feeling.

All of these things will take time, and I have expected waaaay too much of myself. I can do this and I just need to have a peaceful heart and learn more and do this. I know I can.

a woooonderful truth

A friend told me about Brave girls' club, and I can't recommend them enough... They are a perfect supplement for what I'm doing in my life. This is today's daily email. I needed this today 8D

Sleepless in Seattle

So this is one of my favorite romantic comedies ever... So many reasons for that... I love the portrayal of the women getting all weepy in Affair to Remember... It's so true though 8D. I also love all of the little lines... Meg Ryan's character can be so funny and off the wall... She cracks me up...


Destiny is something we've invented because we can't stand the fact that everything that happens is accidental. »


Rosie O Donnell's character has some great lines about relationships...

Becky: Verbal ability is a highly overrated thing in a guy, and it's our pathetic need for it that gets us into so much trouble. 


"You Don't Want to Be in Love... You Want to Be in Love in a Movie" -- Oh my, how I relate to this one... Movies get us women into trouble, I think... Men, too really... They give us completely unrealistic views of love and relationships...

Another good quote...

Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breath in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breath in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while. -- Though I know our relationship wasn't perfect by any stretch, I keep thinking this quote in regards to my most recent relationship. It was good, and it truly did teach me soooo much 8)



I love this movie... Can you tell? There's so much truth to it as well in a sense... It's awesome, I never used to watch romantic movies after a breakup, but right now, I can't get enough of them... It works 8D.

different approach

I am changing the ideas on the no contact thing... but even moreso I have another thought.

What is love to women versus men. I love and I love hard... I think that's why I have trouble understanding this... I don't fall out of love without a great deal of pain... And partly, i think that's the lack of control, the immaturity in my emotions, maybe.... Not letting go when I ought to. I think a strong love is good to a point, but not when it rips me in two... i need to give that love to me... such a goooood though 8D So, my lack of understanding has to do with my opinions of love and how they affect and control me... But also, could it be that more women love stronger? I don't think so, but it does remind me of a song 8D.

A woman loves beyond her questions,
And dreams beyond her doubts,
Her heart will lead and she will follow,
Even when there's no way out.
Her eyes refuse to see the danger,
As she walks right through the fire.
A man may give himself to passion and desire.
But a woman loves. -- Performed by Steve Wariner...

I need to be more self-protective... My commitment fear book is talking about this a lot. I tend to not protect myself enough, but then I'm too protective which causes some passive aggressiveness and other things I don't want... I'll get there.. 8D I am excited to fix these things... I can do it 8D. I hadn't thought of this song in awhile, and I'm thinking it's not really how I want to be... I definitely need to find a healthier spot for love and I will. 8D

Resting in God's love

My meditation book had a wonderful verse --

Ephesians 3:18-19 -- I pray that you will grasp the breadth and length, the height and depth of Christ's love. I hope you will experience this love which surpasses all knowledge, so that you may enter into the fullness of God.

This verse brings me a great deal of peace. It reminds me of Zephaniah 3:17 --


 ¹⁷ The Lord your God is with you.
      He is mighty enough to save you.
   He will take great delight in you.
      The quietness of his love will calm you down.
      He will sing with joy because of you."


God is our Ultimate Healer... He is there with so much love to give us, to the point that it's overwhelming... It's a beautiful thing though 8D. 

These both may need to become mirror verses 8D. When I was younger, I would put verses on 3 by 5 cards, and put them on my mirrors, so that I would look at them... It's a very nice, peaceful thing 8D.

so my next steps...

i have removed this portion as it was more negative than I should have made it... thinking of rewording it, we shall see 8D

Some other steps I'm taking...

continued growth in learning how to take fear of commitment out of all facets of my life

work on my fears in general

work on my anger and controlling my temper

learning how to be less in control of what i can't handle, and more in control of what I can... now if that's not a struggle... 8D

dating memoratorium for at least 3 months from breakup, though I'm thinking towards 5 months... I will start with 3 months, as this is my usual cooling off time after each major relationship 8). I'm about to start school and I won't have much free time anyway. That is to say, if a friend fixes me up or if I feel led by The Spirit to go on a date, I will do so 8). I usually say that I'm not *actively* seeking a man/relationship for this time period... No dating websites, etc... until the 3 or more time period is up 8) December keeps coming up in my mind, which is 5... so probably at least December... I've got a lot of healing to do 8) (no, not in world of warcraft, though i love me some pally healing... So much fun... i just got random again 8D)


Have fun and get out more... I'm starting to get together with different friends. It's amazing how God puts more people in our life when we become more confident and grow 8). it's amazingly awesome 8).

Im also taking myself to a concert this week. More on that after I go to the concert. I'm completely excited, it's safe to say, as I haven't seen this artist live before and she's from another country. Sooo stoked

biweekly date night with my boys 8) just made of awesome 8D

You're beautiful

So one practice -- I say good morning, beautiful to that woman in the mirror. It helps so much 8). I tell her how awesome she is and how proud I am of her... It's very empowering 8D

complete randomness 8D and backsliding... 8/

So first of all, the weekend... some cool things happened. My cousins were down from Alaska, so we saw them for a bit. We all had a great time.  The boys and I had a pretty relaxing weekend other than that...

Bananas --

So my oldest son, T. wakes me up with two bananas pointed at me. He says, breakfast... I'm trying not to laugh so hard... It's pretty early at this point, and laughter is generally not in my abilities... I'm a bit of a frost mage in the mornings 8D. Arcane doesn't start till later... I know that I'm getting better in keeping it together, because when they wake me up, I'm not cranky and I can work through it. Woot!!! But being held up by two bananas is still funny 8D

Hugs--
T. learned how to hug this weekend... Normally, he gives fish hugs, very light...(pretty common for Autistic individuals). Well, with my cousins, they taught him how to hug tight. This morning, when he left, he gave me a light hug, then grabbed me again with a big hug. Wooooot!!! I'm doing a happy dance. 8D

Please and thank you --

I am really working on the boys' manners... They are doing soooo well. Praise God!!! 8D


New foods
A. (youngest son) ate half a cherry. It's tough for him to try new foods (also pretty common for those with Autism)... I dipped it in chocolate (sugar free homemade chocolate sauce) and he still didn't like it... But he tried it!!! Woot!!! He also tried a cherry tomato this weekend!!! Yay!

Cattiness --

So when I'm not in a wondrous place, i can be catty... I realized this today, how much this is still an issue. This will become a focus in the near future... I think this has to do with the whole dance of anger in one of my recent posts... Hmm... will work on that.

Today --
 Was a bit tougher in keeping it together for several reasons. I allowed numerous things to get to me, plus I had a migraine... I still need to work on my attitude during tough times... It's a process, but I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  I did better than some days, but just not too great...

This weekend --
 the boys and I communicated very well overall and my temper was completely in check. woooot!

Backslide...

I did backslide though. I asked my exboyfriend to come back, gave him one more chance, etc. He made it obvious that his compassion for me has cooled. In a sense, it's good, it made it easy... I know now that he truly doesn't love me like i thought he did... If he truly did, he would want to try, to really try again, and see that he didnt give me a chance. he would have stayed if he really truly wanted this... i guess it just goes to the fact that he wasn't that into me... We didn't really give this a shot, as he ran before things got tough... All he had to do was stand up to me, and he felt it would be better to leave than to try. I can't make him love me. I can't make him stay... So i'm doing what I have to -- he is free... He is free for whomever he chooses in this life. My love will no longer tether him. He has my prayers, light, compassion and thoughts. I wish him completely well and hope he finds a love that he feels is worth fighting for.

He didn't know me... He obviously didn't if he didn't think i could change what ailed our relationship... and if he thought i could change it, and he left anyway, it goes to show that he just didn't want me... and that's unfortunate. I'll find someone who does when I'm ready and when God's ready for me to be in a relationship 8)


One thing he did say that makes so much sense is my anger grabs hold and doesnt let go until a certain phrase is said... well, there are many phrases... but my love is the same way... he said one of the phrases that helped me detach, and i think him for that, makes it easier for everyone. So this is something I want to work on, the anger part...

 The love part -- what's so wrong with loving almost completely unconditionally? the right man will love that 8).
But this is all good. I can completely be free. My love for him has been subdued as I see that he wants nothing to do with my heart. While it's a bummer, I feel free in a sense that I know 8) I know where I stand... and i like that 8)

learning to walk

I am doing daily meditational devotionals (Christian-based) from a book, Loving yourself more. In today's reading, it talked of learning how to walk... That it would help if we imagine God walking beside us, teaching us to walk in our daily relationships, and that he will pick us up and hold us when we fall. This is beautiful and soooo very helpful to me. I see God as my Heavenly Daddy, so this isn't really hard for me to imagine. My relationships and learning to react in them is a daily journey for me... And He is teaching me with every step... How moving is that? Just awesome.

In the book, Dance of anger, it talks of how women are supposed to be nice and self-sacrificing, but that causes anger, which causes the cyclical pattern (sacrifice of self, then causing us to have anger due to all the times we sacrifice and don't refill ourselves up or handle the residual effects, causing an avalanche of the pile up that we accrue.) That we are taught to be nice women, and women should never get angry and I completely want to be a nice woman, but i feel like I'm gonna blow like a volcano now and then. The exercises in this book prevent that... The anti-fear exercises are really helping with some of the residual effects as well 8)

Some really good thoughts to top off a wonderful weekend with my boys 8)

Checking Engine oil in the dark

I sometimes have inspired ideas... This was not one of them... Well, it might have been, as it has inspired a great deal of laughter... Two nights ago, I decided to check the oil at 9 pm. It's dark then, at this point... So I pull out the dipstick, clean it off, then pu... where the heck is the dipstick holder? I'm looking forever and I can't find it... The awesome thing is I remained calm throughout this whole thing (normally I would have come unhinged... yay for anti-fear exercises.) I decide to read the manual on the truck. (in the engine rebuild before i got it, apparently the dipstick sleeve is not where it was originally. doh...) So plan b, get up in the morning since it's light outside. Yeah i found it... But man, it was funny. 8D

more ways that show commitmentphobia... and humor

i can be very controlling. /sigh... but then it's more of a passive aggressiveness... i don't like that portion of me. Something I'm working on as well.. Meditation is helping with that. we cannot control life and living in the grey and going with the flow is something I am attempting to do better... I'll get there 8)

Something He's scared, she's scared mentioned is the lack of pets that commitmentphobes have... Pets are a commitment... I remember the panic attacks that commenced when I first had Lucy... For me, it was the fear of her death, that she would leave me too... (there's that abandonment fear rearing it's ugly head.) i would love a dog, but I keep finding excuses. the current excuse is actually legitimate, as it's financial... But someday soon, we will get a pet. I want to have one 8)

I'm so indecisive, another commitmentphobe trait. I can't decide whether to like a song or not on pandora radio, because I may like it later... News flash, if i can't like a song or unlike one without a committee in my head, a relationship might be difficult to attain and keep 8) im starting to like and unlike songs now... It's good for me 8D.

This all reminds me of the serenity prayer... I want to know the difference of what I can and cannot change, and God is truly giving me eyes to see that. It will only get better.

I am working on letting go and letting God. It feels so much better and freeing, and so much less confining... It seems like it would be the opposite, as knowing what goes on at all times is supposed to bring me peace... We can't know all the time... There's a beauty in not knowing...

"And I am glad I didn't know the way it all would end, the way it all would go. Our lives are better left to chance. I could have missed the pain, but i'da had to miss the dance." -- Garth Brooks.

I love to laugh... The boys and I laugh a lot. We are a great deal more now that I'm happier... It's beautiful... 8D.

when you love someone... you have to let them go

I have to let him go..If he never comes back, he was never mine to begin with.  As hard as it is, as much as I believe in him... He doesn't believe that I can change, that we can make it... I can't believe for the both of us... If it's meant to be, it will happen. But I have to be thankful and let him go so that he can find someone he will stick with and believe in and believe in a relationship through all the muck and mire that every relationship has... It's tough, it's hard, because I love him very much. But I also deserve someone that is willing to love me through the mire and muck... I could have been so much better, but all i can do is be willing to change and be molded into what God wants me to be and where I want to be to grow. I have to build my foundation now so that when God has someone for me ready, I will be ready to build a strong relationship... my foundation was cracked, and a good relationship can't stand on that for long without major repair work 8)... And this is something i want to do for my boys and me...


 i am so excited to be the woman I'm becoming... I believe in me, and that's what I need... It's good to find someone who believes in us too in a relationship and someday I will 8). I used to want someone to believe in me, so I didn't have to believe in myself. That is folly... I must believe in myself to have a strong foundation to build from and be willing to believe in the relationship and that we can build something together...Yes, I hope that he changes his mind. I can't change it for him though. I am very thankful for him and his wonderful spirit. He is awesome... I just don't think he knows how awesome yet, but he will someday 8D.

After Awhile by Veronica Shoffstal -- absolutely beautiful

 

 

After Awhile by

Veronica Shoffstal

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn’t mean leaning
and company doesn’t always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren’t contracts
and presents aren’t promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow’s ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn…

heart-broken, strength, peace and my take on forgiveness...

I've had a rough day... I did really well in some challenges, but memories of my childhood are just flooding me as if I opened up a Pandora's box (in a sense I have, I suppose). I am so afraid of two things -- becoming my mom and abandonment... We create what happens to us by what we put out there... In Barry Neal Kaufman's (great author, by the way...) "Happiness is a choice", he talks of people that paint sad paintings, so their life is sad... I have written sad poems and stories (see the Lighthouse, dear goodness, how depressing) and life has imitated art for me... Happiness is my choice. I choose to be this vibrant, bubbly, geeky woman with two awesome sons. I am strong and with God, all things are possible. I was overwhelmed with the changes I want to make... I know I will always have a temper, but I know I can control it. I can better control all of my emotions since less fear is in my life. I embrace my mother, I accept her... all of her... And I thank her and God for teaching me so much... The truth is though, very few people know of the things endured in my childhood. Many have endured worse... But it's definitely something I have put in cold storage, and the truth is I do think some of my relationships have ended because I chose to ignore the elephant in the living room, rather than admit there was one... I know I have grown soooo much. I don't want to discount that... And the truth of the matter is, even though there may be resemblances to my mom, I want to change. And she didn't think anything was wrong with her, so I do know that we differ... I have to, to be what I want to be, to be what my children need and to be what God wants. I know with every fiber of my being that I can do this. I believe I can change. I have to... I see who I want to be and I *know* she's attainable... I wanted my last boyfriend to believe I could change too... And at first, that was difficult for me to realize he didn't... the very fact is he left because he felt that i couldn't... It rocked my foundation, but it helped me realize the crux... i must believe i can change. I believe and so many people do... I had to believe it for myself. I was wrong to want others to believe it enough for me to do something about it... Actually, that's another unfortunate trend in my life that I'm changing... I have to believe for me (yet another common trait of commitmentphobes... so afraid to make decisions, that they are as still as a board... im tired of being still 8) unless I'm being still and resting in God 8D... believe in myself, relationships, etc.

When I'm sad, and coping well, which I am, and that's such a blessing... I think of God holding me in His arms as a father would a child... I am His child... And that is such a comfort... "He will quiet me in his love," Zephaniah 3:17. I am doing better to remember in my bad times too, so they're not so bad... Praise God!!!

My thoughts on forgiveness, we have to purge the inventory of pain we hold onto... I see them as glass balls (think Neverending Story 2) that I hand to God and he throws them into the sea of forgetfulness and they melt away... This brings me peace 8) as long as i don't go diving for them... 8D

desultory randomness 8D

Well, I had hopes to write a few more blogs this evening, but my asthma had other plans... So I'm doing all I can do to make me feel better. I'm reading a couple of books though...

"Loving yourself more -- 101 meditations for women" by virginia ann froehle and The Dance of Anger by Harriet Goldhor Lerner... These books should both help in my quest for bettering myself... The antifear exercises are great, but I want to expand on that...

I'm still working on the commitmentphobe book. I'm having to answer 45 questions on every major relationship... Yeah, that's time consuming 8D. But I'm on my 3rd relationship now... I already see trends... This is very good. I want to fix this 8D It's really exciting to fix myself. I am very blessed to go through this journey.

For now, more home remedies and a bunch of chick flicks 8).

fault-finding (learning to be less critical) and the fear of abandonment

There is the common misconception, that when a commitmentphobe meets *the one*, they will stop being this way... This is simply untrue... I felt this way until researching all of this fear on commitment 8). The truth is, i think we can work it out with many different people, but we have to be willing to stick it out and fight for that relationship. And until I deal with my fears of commitment headon, I will always throw out roadblocks... Some are more compatible than others. We have to be willing to fight for it... We have to confront our fears on commitment headon in order to actually make it work.

I want to talk a bit about fault-finding... this is when we're looking for a reason to run, as it were... I was doing this towards the end and sporadically throughout, and if truth be known, I have found myself doing this many times... Part of it is i can be critical unfortunately... In becoming more compassionate and stepping back until I see others with compassion, the critical eye is lessening...  That feels great! 8) I don't want to be judgmental. I have enough on my plate running my life, much less anyone else's. that's one of the awesome lessons my mom taught me 8). The critical eye and fault finding has to do with fear... What am I afraid of? I ask myself that whenever these thoughts come up at all. It's a very good way to diffuse fear. For me commitment phobia has to do with something close to me, oh so close, loss...


I have a massive fear of abandonment... I think that's why I wanted a safe-bubbly-wrapped environment in this last relationship. He made constant assurances that he would never leave... and honestly, I wanted that, I thought he could provide that... I was wrong in several ways. Let me explain... He was willing to promise something that is beyond our control. I do this too, promise more than i can deliver... I want to deliver it, but I don't know how. I know he wanted to, but he did the right thing. I was not in the right place for a successful relationship to grow...I encouraged him to promise this, and I asked consistently...I now see that people are going to leave, whether they voluntarily open that door or they die or we die... Everyone has to leave, one way or the other. That sense of security that I have been craving, is impossible to have, other than God. He will never leave us or forsake us... I have been looking for that security elsewhere and it has been here this whole time. Now that God's love is firmly in my heart, it makes that fear dissipate much quicker. I know I have so many people and so many good things in life... Sometimes, I don't see them, because of all the barriers I put up. As i'm dealing with the fear and am allowing my happiness to bubble up more, so many more people are asking to get together with me, etc... That's pretty cool. Something about confidence that does that. 8D. Our self worth is not indicative of others' views of us or the time they spend, etc. And that's very comforting... It's in our own...

Positive things in life...

So I have been keeping my home better for over a week, reeeeallly well for about 4 days, and my mood is lighter and it's soooo much easier. Awesome!!! Next is I'm gonna get some things to add homey touches... I looove fake flowers, especially sunflowers, etc, so they will be going on the walls, etc 8) Very exciting... The boys will love decorating their room with star wars and other posters. This place doesn't really look lived in, with the walls so bare. This will be fun 8)

Something happened at work and I let it roll off my back. Woot!!! yay... Wish I had kept a better mood when there was no air conditioner at work yesterday, but I did fairly well considering 8)... Baby steps 8). I didn't say anything to anyone, just a bit more negative self talk than I want...

The boys are doing sooooo well. They are awesome! I'm so very blessed. They are doing so much better and I am glad. They're a bit bummed that we have to postpone Six Flags, but they are being troopers about it... Hopefully we'll be able to do so before this season is out... The truck needed the brakes repaired, what can ya do? 8) They've been very good about having to handle unforeseen issues... and i'm very thankful. 8)

I have a sense of peace in all that I'm learning and that's great.

I can't believe the boys will be in 6th and 7th grade respectively. Awesome!!! They are doing so well... I think I mentioned that 8) Their favorite movie right now is Batman Begins 8) They are just begging me to see Dark Knight... Not sure if they're ready for that one... We shall see 8)

And the final thing -- we had Chinese food at work, and I got the most *epic* fortune -- ya ready? Do or do not, there is no try!!!!! I was so happy. Yoda's words make wonderful fortune cookie fare 8D

my mom

*Deep breath*

I talked to one of my best friends today. She is awesome, and I am very thankful for her as well as every one of my friends and fam. I admitted to her, what I said to my oldest son, what sparked so much realization and pain... I hadn't told anyone except my now ex-boyfriend. I should know that when I don't talk about things like this, I don't do well... It's just a fact unfortunately. I knew she would say it was wrong (it was), but she then immediately said, "Your mom..." Oh my goodness, she's right... And until this point, I hadn't told her the extent... I won't tell you the extent, dear reader, but I will say a bit on this subject.

I'm gonna start here. My mom and I created a wonderful relationship from shards and bits of good sprinkled throughout our years. Upon her death, we were on good terms. I will admit it was years later that I fully forgave her. She was a wonderful person, and she did the best she could and I am very grateful for her.

She told me on a daily basis, what I said to my son once... I know this was a failure on my part. I felt like I hadn't changed, like the very poison that riddled my growth as a child was now destined to be spewed from my mouth to my children.. I know that I have grown leaps and bounds... And had it not been for my best friend of 20 plus years, i wouldn't have changed this much. She started me on the path of changing and growing spiritually when my oldest son was born.  I taught some of what I was learning to my mom and it helped her too.

I want to talk about some good. My mother was a good encourager when she wasn't saying things in the negative... She would tell me that I could do anything that I set my mind to. She is an encourager in my mind as I am embarking on college and so much more 8D. We had some very good times. She was so loving in my divorce (she was 3 months from dying then) and she was so loving when my boys received their special needs diagnoses. I'm not sure how I would have done without her in those times. I love her very much, but I am also very real in that not everything she did was perfect.

I am realizing that the roots of this are deeper, and as I pull this weed of negativity, half of my garden is coming up... I know this, but God and I together can do this. I am not saying so much of the pain from this time in my life, as I see no good can come from the specifics. My mother tried, and I am thankful she did as well as she did. I love her very much.

I wish I could talk to my mom then. I wish I could tell her all I'm learning now. I wish I could help her confront her fear, but that was not to be a journey she took in this life. This is a journey for mine, and I am so glad to be able to work on this to make a more stable home for my children.

The nucleus of it all

The nucleus of all of this, all I have been talking about is self-love... How many I have hurt because I disliked myself. Just how much I disliked myself has hit home to a point today... So much of this quest started because I said something to my son, something I am finding that I thought (and think, though it's diminishing with the exercises) way too much in regards to myself. I had never said it to him previously, but the very fact that it's in my vocabulary, self talk and anything is not acceptable. I'm working on this... I've been so afraid of me and love of any kind, and my children have hurt more than I wish they have. I love them so very much and they teach me every day the kind of mother that I want to be, that I strive to be. I am thankful for that. I am thankful also for the man that I have spoken of, because by leaving, he woke me up too. I am very thankful for the boys' spirit and their kindness and love. I see so much more now in them... They have a happier mommy and they like that too 8).

Songlist when I need empowerment

I looooove to dance. I'm not good at it... I dance like a gnome in world of warcraft... (female gnome anyway 8)) But I digress... Dancing soothes my spirit... When I'm down, I turn on an upbeat song, and go for it...

So here goes... The list of great songs, according to me 8D These songs have their rotation when I'm in a Dancing alone mood... It all depends on my mood as to which songs, etc 8)

Stronger by Kelly Clarkson
Like a River by Kasey Chambers
Revival by Radney Foster
What do you want from me this time by Foster and Lloyd
Walk the line by Johnny Cash
Folsom Prison Blues by Johnny Cash
Get Rhythm by Johnny Cash (a trend, maybe?)
Phantom of the Opera (particularly fond of the Gerard Butler version, 8D)
Still Taking Chances by Michael Martin Murphy
More by Matthew West
Dive by Steven Curtis Chapman
Famous Last Words by My Chemical Romance
Bat out of Hell by Meatloaf
Fever by Garth brooks
Payphone by Maroon 5
Viva la Vida -- Coldplay
Human by the Killers
Hand that Feeds -- NIN
o holy night by Pavarotti
Love's the Only Rule by Bon Jovi
Wild is the Wind by Bon Jovi
Whenever Kindness Fails by Robert Earl Keen
Something Inside by Jonathan Rhys Meyers (yes he can sing and this song is AWESOME 8*D)
Dancing With Myself by Billy Idol
Rebel Yell by Billy Idol
Standing outside the Fire by Garth Brooks