fault-finding (learning to be less critical) and the fear of abandonment

There is the common misconception, that when a commitmentphobe meets *the one*, they will stop being this way... This is simply untrue... I felt this way until researching all of this fear on commitment 8). The truth is, i think we can work it out with many different people, but we have to be willing to stick it out and fight for that relationship. And until I deal with my fears of commitment headon, I will always throw out roadblocks... Some are more compatible than others. We have to be willing to fight for it... We have to confront our fears on commitment headon in order to actually make it work.

I want to talk a bit about fault-finding... this is when we're looking for a reason to run, as it were... I was doing this towards the end and sporadically throughout, and if truth be known, I have found myself doing this many times... Part of it is i can be critical unfortunately... In becoming more compassionate and stepping back until I see others with compassion, the critical eye is lessening...  That feels great! 8) I don't want to be judgmental. I have enough on my plate running my life, much less anyone else's. that's one of the awesome lessons my mom taught me 8). The critical eye and fault finding has to do with fear... What am I afraid of? I ask myself that whenever these thoughts come up at all. It's a very good way to diffuse fear. For me commitment phobia has to do with something close to me, oh so close, loss...


I have a massive fear of abandonment... I think that's why I wanted a safe-bubbly-wrapped environment in this last relationship. He made constant assurances that he would never leave... and honestly, I wanted that, I thought he could provide that... I was wrong in several ways. Let me explain... He was willing to promise something that is beyond our control. I do this too, promise more than i can deliver... I want to deliver it, but I don't know how. I know he wanted to, but he did the right thing. I was not in the right place for a successful relationship to grow...I encouraged him to promise this, and I asked consistently...I now see that people are going to leave, whether they voluntarily open that door or they die or we die... Everyone has to leave, one way or the other. That sense of security that I have been craving, is impossible to have, other than God. He will never leave us or forsake us... I have been looking for that security elsewhere and it has been here this whole time. Now that God's love is firmly in my heart, it makes that fear dissipate much quicker. I know I have so many people and so many good things in life... Sometimes, I don't see them, because of all the barriers I put up. As i'm dealing with the fear and am allowing my happiness to bubble up more, so many more people are asking to get together with me, etc... That's pretty cool. Something about confidence that does that. 8D. Our self worth is not indicative of others' views of us or the time they spend, etc. And that's very comforting... It's in our own...