my mom

*Deep breath*

I talked to one of my best friends today. She is awesome, and I am very thankful for her as well as every one of my friends and fam. I admitted to her, what I said to my oldest son, what sparked so much realization and pain... I hadn't told anyone except my now ex-boyfriend. I should know that when I don't talk about things like this, I don't do well... It's just a fact unfortunately. I knew she would say it was wrong (it was), but she then immediately said, "Your mom..." Oh my goodness, she's right... And until this point, I hadn't told her the extent... I won't tell you the extent, dear reader, but I will say a bit on this subject.

I'm gonna start here. My mom and I created a wonderful relationship from shards and bits of good sprinkled throughout our years. Upon her death, we were on good terms. I will admit it was years later that I fully forgave her. She was a wonderful person, and she did the best she could and I am very grateful for her.

She told me on a daily basis, what I said to my son once... I know this was a failure on my part. I felt like I hadn't changed, like the very poison that riddled my growth as a child was now destined to be spewed from my mouth to my children.. I know that I have grown leaps and bounds... And had it not been for my best friend of 20 plus years, i wouldn't have changed this much. She started me on the path of changing and growing spiritually when my oldest son was born.  I taught some of what I was learning to my mom and it helped her too.

I want to talk about some good. My mother was a good encourager when she wasn't saying things in the negative... She would tell me that I could do anything that I set my mind to. She is an encourager in my mind as I am embarking on college and so much more 8D. We had some very good times. She was so loving in my divorce (she was 3 months from dying then) and she was so loving when my boys received their special needs diagnoses. I'm not sure how I would have done without her in those times. I love her very much, but I am also very real in that not everything she did was perfect.

I am realizing that the roots of this are deeper, and as I pull this weed of negativity, half of my garden is coming up... I know this, but God and I together can do this. I am not saying so much of the pain from this time in my life, as I see no good can come from the specifics. My mother tried, and I am thankful she did as well as she did. I love her very much.

I wish I could talk to my mom then. I wish I could tell her all I'm learning now. I wish I could help her confront her fear, but that was not to be a journey she took in this life. This is a journey for mine, and I am so glad to be able to work on this to make a more stable home for my children.