I've had a rough day... I did really well in some challenges, but memories of my childhood are just flooding me as if I opened up a Pandora's box (in a sense I have, I suppose). I am so afraid of two things -- becoming my mom and abandonment... We create what happens to us by what we put out there... In Barry Neal Kaufman's (great author, by the way...) "Happiness is a choice", he talks of people that paint sad paintings, so their life is sad... I have written sad poems and stories (see the Lighthouse, dear goodness, how depressing) and life has imitated art for me... Happiness is my choice. I choose to be this vibrant, bubbly, geeky woman with two awesome sons. I am strong and with God, all things are possible. I was overwhelmed with the changes I want to make... I know I will always have a temper, but I know I can control it. I can better control all of my emotions since less fear is in my life. I embrace my mother, I accept her... all of her... And I thank her and God for teaching me so much... The truth is though, very few people know of the things endured in my childhood. Many have endured worse... But it's definitely something I have put in cold storage, and the truth is I do think some of my relationships have ended because I chose to ignore the elephant in the living room, rather than admit there was one... I know I have grown soooo much. I don't want to discount that... And the truth of the matter is, even though there may be resemblances to my mom, I want to change. And she didn't think anything was wrong with her, so I do know that we differ... I have to, to be what I want to be, to be what my children need and to be what God wants. I know with every fiber of my being that I can do this. I believe I can change. I have to... I see who I want to be and I *know* she's attainable... I wanted my last boyfriend to believe I could change too... And at first, that was difficult for me to realize he didn't... the very fact is he left because he felt that i couldn't... It rocked my foundation, but it helped me realize the crux... i must believe i can change. I believe and so many people do... I had to believe it for myself. I was wrong to want others to believe it enough for me to do something about it... Actually, that's another unfortunate trend in my life that I'm changing... I have to believe for me (yet another common trait of commitmentphobes... so afraid to make decisions, that they are as still as a board... im tired of being still 8) unless I'm being still and resting in God 8D... believe in myself, relationships, etc.
When I'm sad, and coping well, which I am, and that's such a blessing... I think of God holding me in His arms as a father would a child... I am His child... And that is such a comfort... "He will quiet me in his love," Zephaniah 3:17. I am doing better to remember in my bad times too, so they're not so bad... Praise God!!!
My thoughts on forgiveness, we have to purge the inventory of pain we hold onto... I see them as glass balls (think Neverending Story 2) that I hand to God and he throws them into the sea of forgetfulness and they melt away... This brings me peace 8) as long as i don't go diving for them... 8D
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