mixed feelings and my goal

I went to the concert last night and it was amaaaazing. I will definitely post about it. It was probably my favorite concert ever. Kasey Chambers put on one heck of a show. There were about 250 ppl there, so it was quite small, and everyone was super nice... The Kessler Theater in Oak Cliff was reeeeally cool... I will say that I haven't been through that part of town in some time though. I didn't get lost though, which is usually something that brings me anger pretty quickly but I didn't have to deal with that.


No, I got angry at someone else, me and God... 8( And my poor best friend had to listen to me beat myself and God up, all because I have an insanely crazy idea that Ive been taught since I could talk... I'm working on how to get rid of that idea, and i know that God and I can do it together... It involves how I perceive relationships and Christianity... It's quite strange, and you will definitely think I've cracked when I tell you... But it's something I must address, but not now.


I look at relationships as an end to a means, but way too early, especially in the most recent failure... There's much more into this, but i'm not ready to share.

Plus, the boys and I lost something else that we must rectify, a larger family. It was promised we could go to holidays and such. I want this more than I can breathe... And we had it, briefly. I have trouble reconciling the loss of that... My friend told me I need to stop feeling sorry for myself in this... Maybe volunteering at a soup kitchen on holidays or something? Especially when I'm alone, we need to make our own family. And in that, I can feel better about receiving the single woman pity invite from friends. I feel like God doesn't love me until I get my own family... and i know that's wrong... My whole concept of God in this is wrong... I know that, but unfortunately it will take awhile to reconcile.

That's all I can write right now... I know that I expected too much of myself. All i was building feels like it was crashing down. I feel that's because I lost sight of my goal... So here it is

My goal is to love myself and to be kind and loving to me. My goal is to open my heart and love me with the complete love I have futilely attempted to unleash on certain members of the opposite sex. My goal is to then love my children stronger since I will have that ability. My goal is to do this not to do this to find a man... My goal is to do this in order to glorify God and my goal is to love God with all my heart.


I don't feel this goal. I need to, and I will someday 8)