In the hopes that I might be helpful, I want to share something rather honest with my readers. I miss him, the man that left recently. I do hurt, and I do wonder how things will turn out, but God is in control and I do think that he had to go for me to find myself... Just wish it wasn't permanent at this point... I can skate over truth very well, and in my past entries, I have done so with where I am in this... I wasn't ready to write this blog yet. I feel I am now...
I want to tell those that have a broken heart -- we can overcome this, I just know it... I know I will be better for all of this. It is painful, but I "would rather love and have lost than to have never loved at all." I truly believe that.
I have decided to list a few ways to get through the grief of the loss of a relationship. First, though, I want to talk a bit about passive avoidance... I'm good at passively avoiding commitments... And I'm good at grieving relationships in an unhealthy manner. It's fairly common for the passive one to put the leaving one on a pedestal and see no wrong. Let me explain, this isn't hard to do... Active avoiders generally list many faults of the passive one upon leaving... (they sometimes pick fights to cause the passive one to leave, and even if the passive one leaves, the active one is still active, from what I understand.) Passive avoiders are used to things being their fault, though they (and definitely I) do their own share of passing the buck... I will say here for all of those reading that I know it wasn't only me. It takes two to tango. While I wasn't ready for a healthy relationship, I don't think he was either... But I am not going to point fingers. I can't fix him, nor do i want to... But I can fix me... And that's what I'm doing... In fact, it's a good idea to look at your own growth and healing rather than dwelling on the pain caused by the breakup, etc.
There is the common misconception, that when a commitmentphobe meets *the one*, they will stop being this way... This is simply untrue... I felt this way until researching all of this fear on commitment 8). The truth is, i think we can work it out with many different people, but we have to be willing to stick it out and fight for that relationship. And until I deal with my fears of commitment headon, I will always throw out roadblocks... Some are more compatible than others. We have to be willing to fight for it... We have to confront our fears on commitment headon in order to actually make it work.
It is also a misconception that those afraid of commitment don't get married or that everything's fixed when they do. I will say that this is irrevocably false as well. In fact, if one afraid of commitment does marry, the fears of commitment are actually exacerbated... So I am very thankful to find all of this out now, so that I may work on this and heal and have a better foundation.
Just a note, I talk about being a passive avoider, but these roles can be reversed... and sometimes even within a relationship...
Back to missing him... I have a tendency to be in love with a fantasy... very common for a passive avoider... Sometimes, that's why it takes passive avoiders soooo long to get back into being available, since their in a relationship that is a non-relationship... So I'm working on not fantasizing about him and not having make up fantasies (this is essential in letting him go...) It's difficult though as sometimes he is so close to me, he feels so close, I can't move... I wish he were back... I do... But i have to let him go for several reasons... You might be thinking, some people come back... Yes, they do, and yes, I still hope for that, but we have to let it be that person's decision. We can't make them come back or they feel guilted into it. They have to choose, because they will also have to choose to stay when the going gets tough. Also, generally, people come back when they are let go... That old adage brings me peace at this point, "If you love someone, let them go. If they never come back, they were never yours to begin with." Granted, I know there's a very good chance he may not come back. And that's ok too... I pray for him to find what he needs and wants... Am I waiting? Nope... I'm not waiting in the sense that I have before. What I'm doing is healing and fixing me... When I feel ready to start dating again, I will... But i do give myself a mandatory time to heal from any relationship, especially if it was noteworthy. That prevents me from jumping into a different relationship way too soon... That's another issue for commitment phobes... they tend to jump into a new relationship way too soon or wait waaay too long... I'm to the point that I don't need to actively seek any time soon. I have way too much on my plate, that I want to focus on than focusing on having to find a relationship... I feel at this point that God will lead me to the right place and bring it into my life when the time is right... I know that I don't have to be in a relationship to be whole. I can be whole on my own... It will complement where I am in life when it's meant to 8).
I'm not constantly pining for him... I don't want you to think that... I have been doing some exercises to avoid this, however...
1. Dancing to awesome music... This is one way to lift my spirits (i will write later on good songs for this 8D)
2. talking with friends
3. making lists of things i miss about the relationship, things I dont, etc
4. when I feel negatively toward him, I pray for him and let those negative thoughts go.
5. i focus on my breath and meditate
6. i say, "May you be blessed, May you be peaceful, May you be thankful, May you live with ease." I do this often, including for myself. it brings such peace and compassion, where I should be 8D.
7. when it's really overwhelming me, I look at the nearest object, and describe it with 3 adjectives. Rinse and repeat as needed 8)
8. I focus on my healing rather than rehashing the breakup etc.
9. I pray for guidance on what to fix next and where I need to be and for healing
10. I pray for him for blessings, for peace, joy, love, light... as the Spirit moves me 8).
11. i label the thought i'm having with the emotion, then watch my tummy rise and fall with three breaths. It makes me feel so much better.
12. i know that he cared for me, and I give thanks to God that I had him for a time.
13. I start thinking God for all of my blessings.
These are a few to help those that need it 8)
Love and light on your journey 8)
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment